MeHere

Hi everyone,
I'm new here, I've been reading through some of your posts, but I feel like I need to get this off my chest ASAP!
This weekend I went out for dinner with my boyfriend, his friend and his wife. We had a nice meal, quite a lot of wine and then went back to their house. More chatting, more wine ... and then it's a blank. I have very vague recollections of bits that followed, but I woke up Sunday morning with my life in tatters.
Apparently I picked a fight with my boyfriend, completely embarrassed both of us in front of his friends and somehow ended up punching him in the face. Not only that, but his friend told him that he caught me and his wife kissing.
It seems even more terrible now that I'm writing it down, I'm absolutely aghast at this whole situation.
In normal life, I am quiet, reserved, nice, normal, hardworking, intelligent, loyal etc etc. I am most certainly not violent with lesbian tendencies!! I just can't get my head round any of this, I am probably going to lose my boyfriend, I have to see this other couple quite regularly around the neighbourhood, I feel like my life is ruined.
Now to the drinking. I do drink a lot. I drink pretty much every evening, between half and a bottle of wine no matter what, more when I go out. Normally I can handle it OK, but there have been about 5 times over the last few years where I've got blackout drunk and done things completely out of my character.
I am disgusted with myself, the other times I've been that drunk I've been verbally abusive to my boyfriend, and I don't know why because he's so lovely and I love him so much, but this is the first time I've been so extremely out of character. It's like a demon took over my body and made me do things. I just don't understand it.
There are demons in my past, as we all have, I had quite an unpleasant childhood, then I was married to a man who turned out to be a pathological liar and cheater, completely throwing my whole life into disarray. I have a lot of issues that I've probably never properly dealt with (although I have had counselling) and it seems it all comes out at a certain level of drunkenness in a horrible spew of venom.
I just want to know if other people find themselves doing things completely out of their character when they are that drunk? Things that they would never, ever contemplate doing when sober? Does the drink change your personality to this extent, or do I have to accept that this was me who did this?
I want to stop drinking completely, but my boyfriend, perversely, doesn't want me to as it would completely change our lives (which involves lots of drinking, mainly at home).
He's trying to get his head round the idea that this demon was the one in control, but he can't quite look at me the same and it's breaking my heart. I wish I could remember doing it, so that I can take more responsibility, but at the moment it partly feels like I'm being blamed for something I haven't done.
I'm just a complete mess, I don't know what I want to hear from you guys, but I suppose I just want to talk to people who perhaps have had similar experiences and find out how you and your loved ones got through it.
Thank you so much

JJ9

Hi - so sorry to hear of this difficult time. I am just sobering up (day 2) so I don't have great advice as far as getting sober goes (others will be here soon to help with that I am sure).

I just wanted to say that I can completely relate to becoming someone else when I drink. I am a very loving , loyal, peaceful person when I am sober and at a certain level of intoxication I can be an absolute nightmare to my husband and others close to me. I have woken with that deep pit of shame many times and it is the worst feeling.

I wish you all the best. Just remember you don't ever have to feel this way again but losing control is bound to happen again if you don't stop drinking.

Join us in the December class for extra support. SR is great!

FreeOwl

Hi, and welcome.

Good news; you're in good, understanding, compassionate company.

I understand the fear, the near-terror, the shame and confusion of waking from a scenario like this into the reality that the blacked-out you has created. It's an awful place to be.

I've been there a lot more times than I care to admit or ever imagined I would.

More Good News; you don't ever have to feel this way again.


The Challenging reality; Alcohol is a potent adversary. For those of us who are deeply susceptible to its more dark and life-wrecking capacities, there is only one sure way around all of this becoming your life - that is choosing sobriety.

I spent the better part of 25 years increasingly creating situations like you've just awoken from. Trying and trying to find an answer to "why". Trying and trying to change it. Thinking and thinking that "this time, I just need to ______________".


As it turned out, I eventually chose to live a life that was free of all that. I chose to see how deep and rich and wonderful my life could be if I were to live it in clear-headed, simple, present, REAL sobriety. I chose to honor the real inner me. I chose to heal old wounds and make up for lost ground and be the best person I could for myself and for my loved ones and friends on this brief, blessed life ride.

Since making that choice - I have never once wound up in a situation like you have just gone through. I have never once felt the deep shame, loneliness, regret, hatred toward myself or fear of what I was becoming.

My life has simply gotten better, and better, and better.

Welcome aboard.... you can make this choice, too.

MeHere

Thank you so much for your replies. I guess what helps most at times like these is knowing you're not alone and that there is hope. I really do think sobriety is the only way to ensure this doesn't happen again, I would do this for my boyfriend as he's really the only one who bears the brunt of blackout me ... but I don't think he'd want to be in a relationship with sober me either, because our every day lives would change so much. What a mess :-(
Also, thank you to the person who sent me a personal message, I found that very helpful, but I can't respond just yet because I haven't been on here long enough!

IronPhoenix

Welcome Me Here. Been there done that several times.

Super nice, loyal, and compassionate guy but have said and done some highly stupid things and can't remember any of it after a blackout. Getting filled in on the details is the worst.

What you need to watch out for and what I hopefully caught is that these blackout sessions can compound and you may get more and more nasty/embarrassing if you have subsequent ones.

For me I need to stop drinking altogether. if you want to stop drinking, you can do it and if your boyfriend indeed loves you, he will hopefully understand and become a pillar of support for you. But, you need to have a plan on how you will stop drinking (not just try to pull things out of the air).

- counseling sessions
- AA meetings if appropriate
- talk to friends who have quit drinking (take them to lunch)
- check into this forum every day
- change your daily routine to do something different at normal 'drinking' times
etc..

I am new here, so I am taking these steps with you.

Nonsensical

One of you doesn't have YOUR best interests in mind.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

FreeOwl

Agreed....

This is a time in your life to be completely "selfish". Your boyfriend doesn't get a vote on this. If he doesn't want to be around you in sobriety - then let him go. Simple as that. It won't be worth it, I promise you.

Right now, the best thing you can do for you and for him is to focus on YOUR needs and how YOU get and stay sober and start building the life you want. If he doesn't want to be around for that, then I gurantee he's the wrong guy to be a part of it anyway.

MeHere

I think he just thinks it would be easy enough for me to cut back, he isn't a big drinker himself, and can easily decide not to drink, or to stop at a certain point, but I guess that's what makes "us" different to "them" ... if we could stop at one or two drinks, we wouldn't have a problem :-(

FreeOwl

yep, that's a common misunderstanding.

It's frequently held by other alcoholics who are still actively denying their own problems, and don't want to lose their party pals....

It's also frequently held by 'normal' drinkers....

But regardless - do what YOU need. He will either;

A) Come to realize the importance of this for you and support you
B) Continue to be unsupportive and bugger off
C) Continue to be unsupportive to the point that YOU TELL HIM to bugger off
D) Some other variation of the above

But that will unfold on its own and you aren't in control of that. Your focus must be who do YOU want to be and how do YOU choose and honor sobriety.

snowbunting

You sound so much like me. I'm sorry the blackout and its awful consequences have brought you feeling so low, I know that feeling well. I'm relieved to hear that your boyfriend is standing by you - his support will be so important. His reservations about you stopping drinking will be a bit of a challenge at first I imagine - talking about it is important; you have to try and get him to understand what it's really like from your perspective, and how scary you find it, and how badly you want it to change. My husband (then boyfriend) had his reservations too at first. But after years of seeing me change for the worse and lose control when drinking, he is determined to help me quit for good. How long have you guys been together, if you don't mind me asking? It took my husband a long time to really grasp that I couldn't drink the way he drinks, and that he shouldn't expect me to. He's a small-bottle-of-craft-beer-to-relax sort of guy. If I drank a small bottle of craft beer, there's no guarantee I wouldn't wake up the next morning on some stranger's sofa seven miles away in the next town. Sigh.

I too am a different person when drinking, and I too had a difficult childhood - the way you described it as coming out like a 'spew of venom' when you're drinking is so recognisable. When I'm sober I'm quiet, shy, studious, intelligent, loving, loyal, and thoughtful. When I'm drinking, I've been known to go off and take drugs with strangers, get into hugely dangerous situations, pick fights with my husband, kiss girls (snap!), etc etc. It's so Jeckyll and Hyde. It's so extreme (and only ever gets more extreme). It's so unsafe, it's so not me.

You've definitely come to the right place here

OpenTuning

Hi MeHere,

I've also experienced that point, around when blackouts hit, where what I'm told I did makes no sense to me whatsoever. There's the phrase In Vino Veritas, where supposedly our real thoughts and feelings come out with alcohol, but I don't really believe that, at least not after a certain point. It really does feel like I was taken over by someone else.

Having said that, this may not be what you want to hear right now, but it was still me who said and did those things. I may not understand why, but I need to take responsibility for my actions the same as if I'd then got in a car and was caught by the police. Claiming I was very very drunk when I got in that car would not be an excuse to get me out of a DUI or worse. You may not be a violent woman (lesbian or not), but for some reason, when very, very drunk that's someone you can turn into.

Wanting to never be in that type of situation again was a big reason why I quit drinking six months ago. I was tired of playing the game of trying not to hit that tipping point, knowing full well at some point I was going to slip up with who knows what consequences, like I have many, many times in the past.

Don't get me wrong, what's done is done and beating yourself up over it won't change things. All you have control over is the future. Your boyfriend may not want you to quit, but you have to do what's right for you. The only way you can guarantee to never again say or do anything out of character, that you aren't happy to take full ownership of, is to stay sober.

happyandfree

What a terrible evening, mehere. But you are 100% right when you said the only way to prevent a repeat is to stop drinking,. It is not easy,but it is so worth it. No more embarrassment, shame, remorse, self-loathing. And you will feel great, aND be able to hold your head up high.. I suggest that you stick with us here and give it a try. One week turns very quickly into many and you will reap the many rewards of sobriety.

Saskia

Welcome, MeHere!

Your story is definitely not uncommon here. Alcohol addiction only gets worse over time. You need to stop for you whether or not your boyfriend understands and is supportive.

I definitely agree with the poster above who suggested other resources. Although some of us manage to stop drinking with only this forum for support, many of us find that we do need more resources to achieve our goals.

Anna

I do understand how you feel because I had blackoWe're here to support you.ts at the end of my drinking days, too. One thing to remember is that alcoholism is a progressive disease and having blackouts is because things are getting worse. And, you're right, in blackouts, we say and do horrible things. The good news is that you can stop this by not drinking anymore. Whatever your boyfriend thinks about your drinking, you know what you need to do.

wpainterw

This happens to others. I'll send you a private message.

W.

FormerWineGirl

Its very important that you do what YOU need to do to get sober. Talk openly with your boyfriend, and tell him how YOU feel about your drinking and your desire to quit. I thought I would face a very similar situation when I decided to quit. My husband is a big drinker, as was I. We met drinking, dated drinking, lived together drinking, and married drinking. When I decided to quit, I didn't really know how it would affect "us" as a couple. For the first couple of months, we didn't really discuss it, I just went about the tough business of getting sober. Much to my surprise, a few months into the process my husband told me how proud he was of me for quitting. He still drinks, but it doesn't bother me and he is very supportive of my decision to quit. If you don't get your BF's support and respect for your decision, by all means move on.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum MeHere!!

I agree with " it would completely change our lives" . . . it would be beneficial to cut out the following:

-and then it's a blank.
-I woke up Sunday morning with my life in tatters.
-I picked a fight with my boyfriend,
-completely embarrassed both of us in front of his friends
-somehow ended up punching him in the face.
-he caught me and his wife kissing.
-I've got blackout drunk and done things completely out of my character.
-I've been verbally abusive to my boyfriend
-level of drunkenness in a horrible spew of venom.

Alcohol is doing you no favours!!

SoberRunner

Ah, I see... You're very welcome!

red3215

Ugh, that sounds awful to go through. I was also a bit disrespectful toward my favorite boyfriend of the past, then apologizing like crazy the next day, telling him it was alcohol and not how I really feel toward him. It probably got very old for him

Yes, I think alcohol makes some people do things WAY out of character. When they drink it's as bad as handing their brain over to a stranger and saying, Do what you want with me". And that will never change.

Hopefully they'll forgive you and you'll manage to stay sober from now on. It can be done .

SWH1959

Hi
I too know how you feel. I am 4 days sober and still wallow in the bad and the ugly situations I have found myself in. My wife says Im the nicest man she has ever met but I don't see that . I see only the problems and mayhem I cause whilst drinking. I have to face facts that after 25 years plus ... I am not even a good alcoholic so I am going to try to be good at something else. Maybe I should believe my wife of over 30 years and look at me through her eyes
Good luck on your journey

Steve