Addiction Sucks

Old 11-28-2015, 09:14 PM
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Addiction Sucks

My ABF is making things so hard . I've tried and tried and these last few days has been a disaster. He doesn't want to talk about his feelings towards the holidays and his sister being sick that all he wants to do is numb himself . I feel like I've lost him again and the erratic behavior has and him calling me a bitch has taken a toll on me. I don't know what else to do . It breaks my heart .
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Old 11-29-2015, 03:20 AM
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Maybe make some nice plans for yourself that don't include him, if he is active in his addiction he would ruin any plans that involved him. Visit your family or friends, take a walk or drive and enjoy the Christmas lights, volunteer at a charity that helps with Christmas...staying sad at home will not help change anything but you can change you, and find some joy.

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Old 11-29-2015, 04:37 AM
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I agree with Ann.

My ex husband worked hard to destroy each holiday and special day. I don't care what the excuse was - it's not ok. It's only selfish. Narcissistic.

We divorced 13 years ago but his legacy has roots that may last a lifetime. He passed away in the spring and we have grown to realize that we must change our holidays. He cannot have another one.

You deserve to be happy. Chasing people who are not capable of bringing good things to your life are like poison to our spirits.

I wish you luck in finding what YOU want and what makes YOU happy. Hugs, Joie
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Old 11-29-2015, 06:26 AM
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Thank you Ann and Joie. It was a rough night . We don't live together and he offered to make dinner for the 3rd time this week but last night was the first time he came over .. Was complaining that I didn't have all the ingredients and he left to sleep outside in his truck with his dog since he said his battery died. He proceeded to text later on and ask for soup or something warm calling me names at the same time . I offered him to bring him and the dog in garage because the dog barks without him there. and he just kept saying what a selfish B I was and how rude I am . He's still outside . At 2 am he rang the door bell woke my roommate up and was acting erratic . I fed him soup he wanted to eat it in his truck so I let it be. I don't know what to say or do anymore . Was that enabling him giving him soup?? It was his choice to leave and stay in his truck that would start. I can't help to get confused about enabling with stuff like this . Thanks guys for letting me share.
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Old 11-29-2015, 07:47 AM
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Borgs, it is his choice to sleep in his truck, but you don't have to choose to deal with him freezing in a cold truck and his dog barking in the night and disturbing neighbors and 2 AM door bell rings and soup runs that disturb your roommate.

If he wants to make that choice, then I'd suggest you tell him to take his truck elsewhere and park.

You can set boundaries - - they are not rules for him. They don't have anything to do with what he can or cannot or should or should not do.

Boundaries are for you. One might be telling him: " if you want to visit me, you must be sober, and come inside and stay inside the house. However, you cannot park with your dog and sleep outside in the night by my house, and you cannot disturb me, my roommate or my neighbors in the night. If you leave my house, you will have to go elsewhere." And you can tell him if he doesn't respect that, you will have the police escort him elsewhere.

That is taking a pro-active step to protect you and yours, and that is a boundary.

Longer term, I am wondering what having this man in your life is doing for you. It may be time to rethink why you are staying in a relationship with him when he is so far from being able to act like a normal person.

You might want to pick up a copy of Melody Beattie's book CoDependent No more; it has been essential reading for many of us as we try to figure out why we're keeping someone so dysfunctional in our lifes, and how to take care of ourselves.

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Old 11-29-2015, 08:36 AM
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when my AXBF behaved this way it was from the addiction and using manipulation. I was so proud of myself during the times that I set a boundary and didn't cave. I wonder now, why I tolerated having someone in my life who wasn't really there for any of the good times. You can share here for as you share you will discover more in your words than keeping it inside and hidden from others. We have been where you are. I am sorry that you are so sad but it is thru the challenges that we learn our true strength. Hugs, Joie
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Old 11-29-2015, 07:24 PM
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Thank you Joie and Shooting Star I appreciate your suggestions and wisdom . I've been going to Naranon meetings and seeing a therapist. I need to work on my boundaries which is something I'm not that good at. You're right Shooting Star it isn't my problem that he slept in his truck and was acting erratic . I lost my cool these last few days because I've just struggled with seeing him show up to seeing him act like this . It's so sad . I've been "over it "
So many times . I've read co dependent no more last year but need to Reread it again . Thank you so much for your support . I feel so alone it's tough .
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Old 11-30-2015, 04:25 AM
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Borgs, what is worse, being alone or being with him when he behaves as he did?

Sometimes alone is good, peaceful, and a time to heal. It may hurt at first to leave this relationship but it very well may hurt more to stay in it.

I am glad you have found support, here and at meetings. I hope you find peace soon.

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Old 11-30-2015, 09:12 AM
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So sorry...that it's been difficult for you. I understand to well about the wanting to the right thing as a person and wife. The problem is as a wife we do not need to cater to bad behavior.

It's like a kid, you are "feeding the monster" if you cave or give in to bad behaviors. The other posters have it right. It sounds like you have much empathy for him. I am the same way.....
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Old 11-30-2015, 11:09 AM
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Originally Posted by borgs7 View Post
My ABF is making things so hard . I've tried and tried and these last few days has been a disaster. He doesn't want to talk about his feelings towards the holidays and his sister being sick that all he wants to do is numb himself . I feel like I've lost him again and the erratic behavior has and him calling me a bitch has taken a toll on me. I don't know what else to do . It breaks my heart .
You know what to do. You're just reluctant to do it.

And that's understandable. When we care about someone, it's very difficult to remove that person from our lives. Sometimes we may think that a dysfunctional dynamic like the one you describe above is better than the absence of any dynamic.

However, that's not true; we may a price for being in situations like this, and over time, that price becomes bigger and bigger.

Detach. With love if possible. If not, then with prejudice will suffice...
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Old 12-01-2015, 08:08 PM
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Thank you Zoso I appreciate your words. I just wish it was easier to walk away. I have invested so much time and energy and time and time again . I just feel taken for granted and he gets mad at the smallest things and blames me for everything yet I'm still here . It's like the minute I feel better about myself and make decisions that are healthy I lose my sense of self cause there he is saying we should go to a therapist and work on us , yet haven't heard from
Him since then .. It's so draining
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