Redheadsusie

I am apparently very messed up............ He has no job... he is 60 lbs overweight......... he can barely walk because he is "hurtin" all the time......he lives in the past - I mean 30 years ago - he still talks about high school basketball games a lot - each play .......... he helps me not at all financially for our joint owned house... has not for years even before he moved out ............. he still lives with his parents for free and his Mom does his wash .............. he refuses to get health insurance ...........he drinks to excess and gets angry..................he calls me names and says I am a mean person and condescending........... why go on.........he makes promises he does not keep ..........he is an arse of a man............ why the hell can't I just end it..........I know I don't want to grow old and be a part of this for the next 30 years. He told me today I was going to be alone the rest of my life as I am awful............all this because I told him I was worried about his health and he needed insurance and a steady job with benefits. Call me a bitch............ Seriously what is wrong with me.......I see my therapist this week........I need someone to wake me up............I am a successful business person but a blithering idiot with men. Something is really not right in me.. so frustrated with myself - only I can do this - for god sake do it Redheadsusie.

AnvilheadII

when you think of truly LETTING GO, what is your fear?
he's been GONE a long time......you are holding onto vapors.

Eauchiche

Dear Susie
We're "ready" when we're "ready", if we ever are.
Susie, I don't know anybody who is able to move on without some sort of baggage.

Meanwhile, it sounds like you are doing very well. You are a successful businessperson. You are not sharing the lifestyle your husband leads. There is a lot you should feel good about.

I think all of us just do the best we can....

FeelingGreat

Hi susie, you sound like the most marvellous catch and there's no doubt he takes you for granted. His mother is obviously the ideal woman in his head, a cross between and friend and a servant. If he was nice to you, or appreciative or apologetic at least he'd be a poor man with an alcohol problem, but to abuse you as well, that's just pathetic.

I think the clue to how you move on is in your post, and that is 'I know I don't want to grow old and be a part of this for the next 30 years.'

You are living in the present right now, and the past, but as a successful business woman you know it's all about planning for the future.

Why not draw up a 6 month, 1 year and 5 year plan for moving on and detaching yourself financially from him? I don't say detaching emotionally because I think that will come naturally with taking action in other areas.

You might want to finalise the status of your joint possessions, get rid of his stuff, get a formal separation if you don't already have one, maybe do a little re-decoration to claim the house for yourself.....you get the picture. For the longer term where do you want to be in 5 years? Maybe free to date, home owner, circle of good friends, outside interests.

I think this falls into the category of fake it until you make it. If you take practical steps you are capable of, the emotional step will follow.

dandylion

Redheadsusie.....perhaps you are still looking to the person who hurt you to also heal you.
Perhaps, even, you came to the relationship with unhealed wounds from your past (or childhood) that you hoped that he would help you heal from.....(not consciously, of course)....................except......that he made it worse because he is a deeply wounded person who uses alcohol to cope...

Maybe, you could ask your therapist what she thinks about this....
In addition, perhaps you could use more specific personal work from a group like alanon...or....a support group specifically for those who have suffered abuse (emotional abuse is still abuse....and the damage is the same.....

You have suffered for a long time......

dandylion

Liveitwell

Great words from everyone...I agree, he is quite obviously deeply wounded, but you are not his savior! You know this-you are a smart businesswoman. You also know that his wounding does not excuse his abuse towards you. Btdt with my wounded ex...I have compassion for him being a wounded soul, heck, we all are, BUT I have no compassion for everything else that spews bc of his demons (lies, abuse, etc). It sounds like you see reality for what it is but are unable to take a step-in any direction. And that's ok. You will know when you know. I remember when I started talking to my friends (and writing on this board), I too had a cringeworthy list re my exs treatment of me and his family....but it took what it took for me to walk away for good-and nobody could have guessed at what that was-not even me! Let us women pick ourselves up and show US a little respect! You are smart, capable, in touch with reality - you deserve to be valued as a human and not degraded/abused. Believe it!!!!
Peace to you today.

Redheadsusie

Gosh you all amaze me - So grateful for the posts. I think I am afraid of really not having anyone to help me to be there for me. I live now on my own but with my son who just graduated from college - so I have someone here and he is an awesome kid. Afraid I will grow old alone - but I would do that anyway with AH here ...... he did help me 5 years ago when I almost died from heat exhaustion so I feel grateful and maybe obligated ..I know that may sound crazy............ the 1 year and so on plan sounds great - I do that with my business - this business - the 2 of us is not a good partnership- he is a major liability - I know it .............yes maybe I am looking for him to heal what was already damaged in me.........I feel sorry for him....but believe me his folks will take care of him even at their age they bought him a car and will leave him money- probably a big chunk. I am ACOA - I always wanted my Dad to really love me unconditionally -he was real tough on us 3 girls - you knew what was appropriate and not and if you veered off the path you knew he would disown you - he would tell you such - he passed away 3 years ago and my Mom 5 years ago so I feel orphaned - I am now 51. They were so sick and drank to the end but I guess just knowing they were there gave me comfort - they had not helped me financially since I was 18 - I have always taken care of myself. Anyway- You make me think... I have none of his stuff here - it is all mine but he renovated this house so his memory is here.......his folks live across the street down 3 houses so he is near which is weird. He is very irrational and told me to just the house be foreclosed on - he said he doesn't care- I can pay for it but every time I make a payment it is money in his pocket - but I love my neighbors and they love me..........I feel safe here ..have lost so much the past 5 years - my Greyhound died - my folks ..............Damnit - all of my friends know I will be fine and I am fine alone now I guess------I just don't know that and it makes me feel scared and alone. Crap- Going to hug my Golden Doodle. She is my love. Thank you again.

Liveitwell

Alone and peaceful is priceless. I'll take it every day of the week. I am ACOA as well (alvoholic father) and I had lots of stuff from my childhood-I still carry it but I see it for what it is and have tools to work through it. Most, if not all, of the people I know that are women, with alcoholic fathers, have major fears of abandonment and will stay with an abusive partner longer than em they should bc they keep hoping he will change-kind of what we grew up knowing...so we just do what we know until we know better. I think you're starting to know better, Red!!
Envisioning a life without the crap he throws your way-that looks like a pretty good life to me.
Goodnight!

FeelingGreat

susie, sounds like you're thinking things out, like a stream of consciousness. Hope it helps you to some conclusions.

fluffyflea

Possibly some of that verbal abuse he lays on you could be part of the problem. That can significantly erode our self confidence and self esteem.

Maybe try reading up on it. There are lots of sites about verbal abuse.

dandylion

Redheaded.....have you ever considered joining Adult Children of Alcoholics?
That might be a good group for you....and, you would feel less alone, also......

dandylion

Liveitwell

^^ that is very true. Thanks for pointing that out.

nowinsituation

I understand that fear you feel as well. Freshly separated (one week) from my husband. He was not alcoholic - but a long history of cheating on me. He always justified it and said I was over-reacting because his cheating was emotional. It was just as damaging (if not more-so) than physically cheating.

And even at the end - I was twisting myself into a pretzel to get him to stay with me and to make things work. His plan was for us to stay together "as friends --- and roommates".... You see, he was financially dependent on me as well.

Somehow I managed to find the courage to kick him out. Probably only because I could cushion things for him financially. The cushion is TEMPORARY.

I am at a loss as to what to do with myself.... There are times I want to contact him to get that fix I need from him - of a chance that he will love me again. That he will shower me with attention and affection like he did when we first got together. That will only put a bandaid over my pain; and I would have to live on eggshells waiting for his next opportunity to cheat on me.....

So what am I going to do today? I am going to church.... been away for a long time.... and there is one very near to my house. They have many opportunities for socializing - which I really need. I am going to put up my Christmas decorations. I am going to finish sorting out his stuff so he can take the rest of it tomorrow. I have a big work project I need to try to figure out. I am going to finish putting away the dishes from my family Thanksgiving (we had yesterday). I am going to run on my treadmill. I am going to reach out to some more friends and let them know my current situation. I am NOT going to be ashamed or embarrassed that I am "single" again... I am NOT going to try to figure out what he is doing or who is talking to.....

I am going back to therapy in January (when my new insurance starts). I wish there was an ACOA group locally - so I am going to try to find something similar; or online.

I am going to take a deep breath and smile and be MYSELF.

LexieCat

I remember shortly after my divorce thinking, who would I call if I had a flat tire on the road? Well, I bought roadside assistance. I hire a carpenter friend or ask one of my neighbors if I need something done in my house that I can't manage alone. I've done a pretty darned good job of taking care of my finances and employment situations.

Anything life throws at me, I will find a way to deal with. WITHOUT a husband or a partner. Having lived with how it feels to have someone off drinking in a bar when I'm recovering from surgery, or got scary news from a medical test, trust me--this is a lot less disappointing.

It's an adjustment, for sure, but you are a capable, strong woman. Believe me, you are up to it. You are only TELLING yourself that you're not. And you're listening to him TELLING you that you aren't.

But I think if you're waiting to feel better about yourself before you leave, you will be wasting a lot more good years. It's sort of like quitting drinking--I used to think that I had to figure out why I drank before I could quit. I finally said, screw it, I'm dying here, I'll figure it out later. And guess what, getting sober in itself made me feel better and more hopeful about EVERYTHING.

Same goes here. I think if you take the leap of faith that you WILL survive and have a happy life, and cut loose of the anchor dragging you down every day of your life, you will be amazed at how much better life is this time next year. Not that you won't run into the occasional bouts of missing him, or missing having a partner, but you won't miss the verbal abuse, the constant feeling of being let down.

Think about it. Only you can take the necessary steps to save yourself.