Gone downhill again
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Gone downhill again
Massive cravings last night that I managed to overcome but really made me question myself and do I have a problem and how I have got to this point - of course I already know the answer to that and spoke to a close friend who wasn't expecting the call I made.
At the outset he was joking with me before I could get a word in as I had pretty much ignored all contact over the past week and a half from mates but as soon as I started to speak could immediately tell there was something up and listened, he's a good few years younger than me, as are quite a few good friends, but has a wise head on young shoulders and whilst probably 90 % of the time it's drunk and drugged up chat he is a sensible lad also.
I seem to have regressed every so often to a younger crowd to keep the party going as those around me from the late 80's / 90's and early 00's have grown up and moved on - still see a few on occasions and as family friends and some can still be upto old tricks but not wanting to do it on a regular basis, current group of close friends have been hanging around with for just under 10 years live close by and have all become really close and always got each other's back / will do anything for each other.
Friend listened as I told him about the recent trip and how wrong it had all gone on so many levels and that it has really made me take note that I do for the first time in my life truly accept I have a problem, whilst surprised to hear me at the point I'm at was supportive and told me I must do this for myself and my family, as he said its going to be different without me when everyone is out, I'm always the one to get the party started and missed on the occasions when I'm not out already, although he did say that it's of course well known that I'm the one with the big problem. One of the things that struck a chord is that he said that all my mates would give their right arm to have what I have with a beautiful wife and daughter a good job and the rewards that go with it, as he said you can't just chuck all that away for the sake of another drink / another line / another party. I realise now my wife and daughter have much more importance than the friends and lifestyle no matter how close we have become, I realise that whilst I will be missed the one person who would miss me more than anything is my daughter and that road is one that is not worth contemplating - and for all the grief and heartache I 've caused my wife over the years she would be devastated if I do not make this work for us all.
Agreed 100 % - after doing this for pretty much 30 years it really is time to throw the towel in and I do realise that as he pointed out I don't have / know any limits and pretty much always out of control usually within the first hour or two whenever we go out, the lads can handle it and it's not a problem to them but it definitely is a massive problem for me and more so my family.
Didn't help that I then got a bit of a grilling from the wife, she's understandably hurting at the point I'm at and the revelations I have made about years of drug use that she has somewhat been oblivious too, I did stop a good few years ago for a while and then started everything again - blaming herself for being so naïve and not noticing the signs but as I said when you have a problem you do anything to hide it and keep it going.
As she started to get a little angry with me I didn't have the energy for a fight, after so many years of it I just don't want anymore - I've lost the will to argue - I know I'm massively to blame for a lot of the problems in our relationship, always me that has pushed the boundaries / not had any respect for any boundaries - had none in fact, just always on my own terms and if you're not happy with that then tough - very selfish indeed and I can see that now - suppose it will take time for her to heel and the fact that she is even giving me another chance is remarkable to say the least - she did say the main reason is for our daughter at present but we both know that after being together for nearly 25 years that when we're good together the times are happier than anyone could wish for - that's my aim to not lose sight of that and make her happy again - it's going to take time and effort on my part but I am prepared to do whatever it takes to make it work and her realise just what she does actually mean to me.
Apologies for war and peace and for anyone that has got to the end of this then thanks for taking the time to read through, already find this place most helpful in trying to put things right and getting to where I need to be.
Friends / colleagues all off on a weekend away which I cancelled - god knows what I would have been upto and the mess I would have been in but my sober weekend plans to get me going and pick myself up are gym (with my daughter) / clean & detail the car / watch the football (soccer - big game Sat evening) / films with family / drop and pick the wife up for a day out with her friends tomorrow - I've been the one having all the fun (it just went to far) for so long its definitely her turn to enjoy herself.
Thanks for listening - 2 mins to 9 am so time to get some work done.
At the outset he was joking with me before I could get a word in as I had pretty much ignored all contact over the past week and a half from mates but as soon as I started to speak could immediately tell there was something up and listened, he's a good few years younger than me, as are quite a few good friends, but has a wise head on young shoulders and whilst probably 90 % of the time it's drunk and drugged up chat he is a sensible lad also.
I seem to have regressed every so often to a younger crowd to keep the party going as those around me from the late 80's / 90's and early 00's have grown up and moved on - still see a few on occasions and as family friends and some can still be upto old tricks but not wanting to do it on a regular basis, current group of close friends have been hanging around with for just under 10 years live close by and have all become really close and always got each other's back / will do anything for each other.
Friend listened as I told him about the recent trip and how wrong it had all gone on so many levels and that it has really made me take note that I do for the first time in my life truly accept I have a problem, whilst surprised to hear me at the point I'm at was supportive and told me I must do this for myself and my family, as he said its going to be different without me when everyone is out, I'm always the one to get the party started and missed on the occasions when I'm not out already, although he did say that it's of course well known that I'm the one with the big problem. One of the things that struck a chord is that he said that all my mates would give their right arm to have what I have with a beautiful wife and daughter a good job and the rewards that go with it, as he said you can't just chuck all that away for the sake of another drink / another line / another party. I realise now my wife and daughter have much more importance than the friends and lifestyle no matter how close we have become, I realise that whilst I will be missed the one person who would miss me more than anything is my daughter and that road is one that is not worth contemplating - and for all the grief and heartache I 've caused my wife over the years she would be devastated if I do not make this work for us all.
Agreed 100 % - after doing this for pretty much 30 years it really is time to throw the towel in and I do realise that as he pointed out I don't have / know any limits and pretty much always out of control usually within the first hour or two whenever we go out, the lads can handle it and it's not a problem to them but it definitely is a massive problem for me and more so my family.
Didn't help that I then got a bit of a grilling from the wife, she's understandably hurting at the point I'm at and the revelations I have made about years of drug use that she has somewhat been oblivious too, I did stop a good few years ago for a while and then started everything again - blaming herself for being so naïve and not noticing the signs but as I said when you have a problem you do anything to hide it and keep it going.
As she started to get a little angry with me I didn't have the energy for a fight, after so many years of it I just don't want anymore - I've lost the will to argue - I know I'm massively to blame for a lot of the problems in our relationship, always me that has pushed the boundaries / not had any respect for any boundaries - had none in fact, just always on my own terms and if you're not happy with that then tough - very selfish indeed and I can see that now - suppose it will take time for her to heel and the fact that she is even giving me another chance is remarkable to say the least - she did say the main reason is for our daughter at present but we both know that after being together for nearly 25 years that when we're good together the times are happier than anyone could wish for - that's my aim to not lose sight of that and make her happy again - it's going to take time and effort on my part but I am prepared to do whatever it takes to make it work and her realise just what she does actually mean to me.
Apologies for war and peace and for anyone that has got to the end of this then thanks for taking the time to read through, already find this place most helpful in trying to put things right and getting to where I need to be.
Friends / colleagues all off on a weekend away which I cancelled - god knows what I would have been upto and the mess I would have been in but my sober weekend plans to get me going and pick myself up are gym (with my daughter) / clean & detail the car / watch the football (soccer - big game Sat evening) / films with family / drop and pick the wife up for a day out with her friends tomorrow - I've been the one having all the fun (it just went to far) for so long its definitely her turn to enjoy herself.
Thanks for listening - 2 mins to 9 am so time to get some work done.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Hi RedAndy
seems to me like you're pretty self aware and pretty determined top make changes.
Those are all good things.
Early recovery is a time of emotional ups and downs - it's our minds and bodies repairing as much as any thing else...things will be better
D
seems to me like you're pretty self aware and pretty determined top make changes.
Those are all good things.
Early recovery is a time of emotional ups and downs - it's our minds and bodies repairing as much as any thing else...things will be better
D
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 927
Hi RedAndy,
Sounds like you're really doing some good thinking and reflecting.
The hard time will be when you've had a nice break from it all and then talk yourself into giving "moderation" a go. That's what I did after 7 weeks sober and of course it snowballed pretty quickly. I just have to remind myself every big event / night out / wedding I've ever been to and how drunk I have got. That is the evidence that is indisuptable. I drank to get drunk, I liked feeling smashed. The party wasn't a party without drink and alot of it, the people and place almost came secondary.
Hard to change habits of a lifetime but I'm concentrating on the family too, and trying to revivie some old hobbies I used to have.
Have a good weekend : )
Sounds like you're really doing some good thinking and reflecting.
The hard time will be when you've had a nice break from it all and then talk yourself into giving "moderation" a go. That's what I did after 7 weeks sober and of course it snowballed pretty quickly. I just have to remind myself every big event / night out / wedding I've ever been to and how drunk I have got. That is the evidence that is indisuptable. I drank to get drunk, I liked feeling smashed. The party wasn't a party without drink and alot of it, the people and place almost came secondary.
Hard to change habits of a lifetime but I'm concentrating on the family too, and trying to revivie some old hobbies I used to have.
Have a good weekend : )
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 63
Hi Redandy
That could've been me writing that story, only difference being I have a son. I'm on day one again and I'm struggling to get back into the mind set of just not having that first drink. I managed 31 days last year and felt great but as everyone will tell you that you then start to believe that maybe you don't really have a problem and one won't hurt then find yourself right back where you started. Like you I have a good job amazing wife who's put up with far too much and a son who thinks I'm a super hero. Well I've decided it's time I start acting like one for him. The money I'm spending on alcohol has spiralled way out of control and although my son doesn't want for much he could have so much more. So let's get this done together mate. I don't know if you have tried before but it's not easy in the beginning but you sound as if you're on the right track by keeping yourself busy. If you get a chance read my old posts from last year and see how quickly I started to feel good. That's what I want to feel again and I'm sure you'll get it too. So the very best of luck and let's do this for our families and as a great man once said " the only way to predict the future is to create it "
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Originally Posted by foreverfuzzy 
Hi RedAndy,
Sounds like you're really doing some good thinking and reflecting.
The hard time will be when you've had a nice break from it all and then talk yourself into giving "moderation" a go. That's what I did after 7 weeks sober and of course it snowballed pretty quickly. I just have to remind myself every big event / night out / wedding I've ever been to and how drunk I have got. That is the evidence that is indisuptable. I drank to get drunk, I liked feeling smashed. The party wasn't a party without drink and alot of it, the people and place almost came secondary.
Hard to change habits of a lifetime but I'm concentrating on the family too, and trying to revivie some old hobbies I used to have.
Have a good weekend : )
Sounds like you're really doing some good thinking and reflecting.
The hard time will be when you've had a nice break from it all and then talk yourself into giving "moderation" a go. That's what I did after 7 weeks sober and of course it snowballed pretty quickly. I just have to remind myself every big event / night out / wedding I've ever been to and how drunk I have got. That is the evidence that is indisuptable. I drank to get drunk, I liked feeling smashed. The party wasn't a party without drink and alot of it, the people and place almost came secondary.
Hard to change habits of a lifetime but I'm concentrating on the family too, and trying to revivie some old hobbies I used to have.
Have a good weekend : )
Same goes drank to get drunk and ruined many occasions over the years - the more I reflect and look back on them the more I realise just how much I have spoilt. You're words in that second paragraph ring oh so true.
If I'm honest all my hobbies revolve around drink and drugs, they shouldn't have to and can be done without but its the scene I've always been at since I was 14 years old - football was a big passion (trouble with that in my younger years) but also a heavy drink and drug culture from those early days to when I actually turned it in around 4 years ago - it's not what it once was and happy to sit at home instead, it was part of a problem for many years but one I did accept and stopped - I've tried to drop things and change and cut things out many times - really evading the fact that the actual root of it all is the drink.
Music (rave scene - since the late 80's and still bang into it to this day - now unable to listen to any of it though as it just means party and conjures up the thoughts of drugs immediately making me uncomfortable and down as I know there's no more) - just booked tickets in between posts for Coldplay who are one of my wife's favourite bands for June next year as a Christmas present - majority of their stuff is stuff we listen to together and doesn't put me in the same mindset as the dance music but going to a concert is a different matter but there's a good few months before it comes around, usually a good few drinks of course - saying that the last couple I have taken her too seeing U2 I've spoilt through getting hammered - this time I can truly make it a night for her to remember for all the right reasons.
Even a nice day out or walk always revolves around finding a good place for a few beers - holidays revolve around drink whether AI or sightseeing - the pub / bar always calls out loud.
One final hobby I had many years ago that I seem to have stopped is playing snooker but again that revolved around the drink - played many games with one eye closed trying to see the balls - used to play better tho !!
We as a couple and family need to find a whole new range of stuff to do instead of me filling my weekends with drinking myself into oblivion - whether that be indoors or out with mates, I read through the "things to do" thread yesterday and found it most useful.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Originally Posted by Adenough
That could've been me writing that story, only difference being I have a son. I'm on day one again and I'm struggling to get back into the mind set of just not having that first drink. I managed 31 days last year and felt great but as everyone will tell you that you then start to believe that maybe you don't really have a problem and one won't hurt then find yourself right back where you started. Like you I have a good job amazing wife who's put up with far too much and a son who thinks I'm a super hero. Well I've decided it's time I start acting like one for him. The money I'm spending on alcohol has spiralled way out of control and although my son doesn't want for much he could have so much more. So let's get this done together mate. I don't know if you have tried before but it's not easy in the beginning but you sound as if you're on the right track by keeping yourself busy. If you get a chance read my old posts from last year and see how quickly I started to feel good. That's what I want to feel again and I'm sure you'll get it too. So the very best of luck and let's do this for our families and as a great man once said " the only way to predict the future is to create it "
Good luck with day one and the weekend and yes we'll get this done together if you're up for that.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 63
Yeah I'm up for it I've had more than enough of living like this. Drugs were never really an issue for me it's always been the drink.
Just like you said if I was out for a drive or a walk with the family I would always plan it to end up in a pub, what a life for a wee boy who just loves outdoors but has to sit and watch his dad drink.
Don't know if it's finally clicked but I feel really positive but I also know it's a hard road ahead. This site helped me before and it will again.
I'm Night shift for the next couple of nights so there's no issue but I know as soon as I finish that's when it'll start calling me but I'm serious this time and you also sound that this is it.
Just like you said if I was out for a drive or a walk with the family I would always plan it to end up in a pub, what a life for a wee boy who just loves outdoors but has to sit and watch his dad drink.
Don't know if it's finally clicked but I feel really positive but I also know it's a hard road ahead. This site helped me before and it will again.
I'm Night shift for the next couple of nights so there's no issue but I know as soon as I finish that's when it'll start calling me but I'm serious this time and you also sound that this is it.
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Definitely Adenough - I've adenough and so have the family !!
Like I say I ditched the football - used to follow United everywhere home and away season after season and did so well into the younger years of my daughter's life - I've made a lot of mistakes and do regret some of the actions but my biggest regret is not being there week in week out when she was little and missing out on things with her (not everything by any stretch but enough), instead feeding my habit and out enjoying myself, then in those days feeling rough as the following day and next to useless (another problem being these days that no matter what I do I just don't suffer) - that is my biggest regret but yet I've still carried on with the nights out / weekends away / business trips (seen a great excuse to get smashed once the business is done) and drinking to excess at home / on holidays etc - she's 12 now and I don't want her to have all her memories of me as "drunk daddy" - on the last night in Dubai where the wheels really did come well and truly off a couple of weeks ago she was getting so upset whilst my wife was on the phone to me - I was oblivious / didn't know what I was doing but my wife tells me in the end she just calmed down and then just said "I guess he's drunk, again" - she's also getting fed up with me becoming an embarrassment and with good reason, I've needed to see things clearly which I can now and ashamed that I could put her through all this for the sake of my own selfish wants and needs, she's a great kid, very loving and caring with a wicked sense of humour, doing fantastic at school and a barrel of laughs.
For the first time I'm not putting myself first anymore - there's more important people around me to think about.
No idea how old your son is and advice from me is a bit rich but if there is one thing I would say to you just ensure you don't miss out on him growing up by being smashed all the time.
Like I say I ditched the football - used to follow United everywhere home and away season after season and did so well into the younger years of my daughter's life - I've made a lot of mistakes and do regret some of the actions but my biggest regret is not being there week in week out when she was little and missing out on things with her (not everything by any stretch but enough), instead feeding my habit and out enjoying myself, then in those days feeling rough as the following day and next to useless (another problem being these days that no matter what I do I just don't suffer) - that is my biggest regret but yet I've still carried on with the nights out / weekends away / business trips (seen a great excuse to get smashed once the business is done) and drinking to excess at home / on holidays etc - she's 12 now and I don't want her to have all her memories of me as "drunk daddy" - on the last night in Dubai where the wheels really did come well and truly off a couple of weeks ago she was getting so upset whilst my wife was on the phone to me - I was oblivious / didn't know what I was doing but my wife tells me in the end she just calmed down and then just said "I guess he's drunk, again" - she's also getting fed up with me becoming an embarrassment and with good reason, I've needed to see things clearly which I can now and ashamed that I could put her through all this for the sake of my own selfish wants and needs, she's a great kid, very loving and caring with a wicked sense of humour, doing fantastic at school and a barrel of laughs.
For the first time I'm not putting myself first anymore - there's more important people around me to think about.
No idea how old your son is and advice from me is a bit rich but if there is one thing I would say to you just ensure you don't miss out on him growing up by being smashed all the time.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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He's 10 and you're so right, the number of days I've been rough as and unable to take him anywhere are too many to count. Well that changes now I want to be someone he's proud of and not embarrassed to be with. There was a programme on TV last night talking about someone with a drink problem and I watched him and he was watching it and then went very quiet. He is very smart and I know he was thinking about how much I drink. I'm not really one for going out I more just sit every night drinking as much beer as I possibly can,but no more because as you know they grow up very quickly and you only get one shot!
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Hey RedAndy...
You and I sound a lot alike.
These days I'm not the life of the party.... but I am deeply party to my life and that is worth a whole lot more.
My daughters get me completely because they're my priority.
My wives of the past, well those are days gone by for me - but my lady of three years, my fiancee, loves me and also gets the true, sincere, present, loving me.
Life is infinitely better in sobriety. Took me a good year of really working at it to get there, but it's been life changing.
Stick with us, you can do this.
You and I sound a lot alike.
These days I'm not the life of the party.... but I am deeply party to my life and that is worth a whole lot more.
My daughters get me completely because they're my priority.
My wives of the past, well those are days gone by for me - but my lady of three years, my fiancee, loves me and also gets the true, sincere, present, loving me.
Life is infinitely better in sobriety. Took me a good year of really working at it to get there, but it's been life changing.
Stick with us, you can do this.
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Cheers FreeOwl - I'm definitely here to stick with it - I genuinely want to and know I am in the last chance saloon - my own sanity really can't take anymore slip ups and the path that would inevitably mean.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,173
Glad your still on the wagon RedAndy, when I read the headline I thought you had slipped so congratulations.
I used to beat myself up most days in early recovery and at other times the enormity of not drinking EVER would overwhelm me but through SR I learnt that the "one day at a time" mantra is not just a cliché but breaks sobriety down into manageable 24 hour chunks that mount up.
Hope everyone on this thread has a good weekend
I used to beat myself up most days in early recovery and at other times the enormity of not drinking EVER would overwhelm me but through SR I learnt that the "one day at a time" mantra is not just a cliché but breaks sobriety down into manageable 24 hour chunks that mount up.
Hope everyone on this thread has a good weekend
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Remaining 2 colleagues have just left the office to take a flight on the weekend trip that I have cancelled, all the others from the team already there, could see they felt awkward too when leaving, wished them well and hope they have a great time and I know the only possible way forward is to take myself away from any temptation.
Leaves me sat here on my own pondering again on just what I've messed up and where I'm now at.
Ah well - time to give my head a wobble - the best is waiting for me at home tonight with my wife and daughter after I've been to the gym.
Leaves me sat here on my own pondering again on just what I've messed up and where I'm now at.
Ah well - time to give my head a wobble - the best is waiting for me at home tonight with my wife and daughter after I've been to the gym.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,393
Exactly, RedAndy...you aren't missing anything you need on that trip....
"Ah well - time to give my head a wobble - the best is waiting for me at home tonight with my wife and daughter after I've been to the gym."
Excellent work!
"Ah well - time to give my head a wobble - the best is waiting for me at home tonight with my wife and daughter after I've been to the gym."
Excellent work!
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Originally Posted by BixBees505
Exactly, RedAndy...you aren't missing anything you need on that trip....
"Ah well - time to give my head a wobble - the best is waiting for me at home tonight with my wife and daughter after I've been to the gym."
Excellent work!
"Ah well - time to give my head a wobble - the best is waiting for me at home tonight with my wife and daughter after I've been to the gym."
Excellent work!
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Originally Posted by RedAndy
I seem to have regressed every so often to a younger crowd to keep the party going as those around me from the late 80's / 90's and early 00's have grown up and moved on
MB
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