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Is There a Correlation Between Codependency/Enabling and Passive Aggressive Behavior?



Is There a Correlation Between Codependency/Enabling and Passive Aggressive Behavior?

Old 11-26-2015, 05:06 PM
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Is There a Correlation Between Codependency/Enabling and Passive Aggressive Behavior?

Since my AF's passing, I've started to conclude that the worst enablers in his situation may not have been the bar buddies and bar trash GF, but people in the family. Supposidly, they objected to his drinking, but weren't willing to make the effort to include him in alcohol-free family activities, either. Their behavior towards him and now towards me has been 100% passive aggressive. (The majority of the family has snubbed me since his death, people keep making offhand comments alledgedly about no one in particular but won't voice their complaints to my face, etc.) Is this an unfortunate "casualty" of the disease?
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Old 11-26-2015, 05:11 PM
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For sure, why not. All unhealthy behaviours seem to go together.
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Old 11-26-2015, 05:15 PM
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Well, to be fair, alcoholics tend to render the term "alcohol-free" meaningless. Detaching from someone who behaves unpleasantly isn't enabling. It may be that they simply accepted they had no control over his behavior and made their choices accordingly.

It doesn't excuse rude or passive-aggressive behavior towards you, though. I am sorry you are dealing with that.
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Old 11-26-2015, 06:12 PM
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I can say that when I was in full blown codependency I was very passive aggressive. However, the treatment you're receiving is just plain awful but not surprising. They probably don't want to admit their part in it and instead just cut you off. I'm sorry you're dealing with this but I would consider it a blessing.
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Old 11-26-2015, 06:39 PM
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A lot of people don't know how to respond to alcoholism in the family. Some of what you might be seeing now could be a cover for their own feelings of guilt and helplessness.

I can't blame them for not wanting to include him in family activities--as SparkleKitty noted, the alcoholism isn't gone just because booze isn't being served. I'm sorry you're feeling excluded, though. Sounds like it might be wise to work on building your own family of friends who support you.

Hugs,
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Old 11-30-2015, 08:58 AM
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I was super passive aggressive - mostly directed at the alcoholic though.
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Old 11-30-2015, 01:26 PM
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There is also a huge generation gap. I live in a generation that there is no shame going to counseling, reaching out for mental help. My parents, that is another story. THEY WOULD NEVER. So many times they just do what they know, ignore the problem until it blows.

I myself will admit that when I was married to my XAH, I did not want to include him, nor did my family. You did not know what you would get. He turned many many holidays into misery. So I get that to some extent.

I second what Lexie said, look elsewhere for your own support. It's not very likely to come from his family, who are surely feeling a lot of things, I imagine guilt is in there pretty heavily for them.

It's sad, but it's nothing you can change. Many, many hugs.
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Old 12-01-2015, 09:35 AM
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I've found amongst family and relatives in particular many a alkie/addict work extremely hard to put on a show of nothing's wrong, they are in control etc. I'm afraid that's what would've happened during 'alcohol free' activities-it would've been a facade the family would've saw through right away and have been insulted in which conversation could've escalated into a full blown argument.

If the family actually served or got them alcohol that's enabling but what a family or friend did not do is another story. Sometimes I think the alkie/addict here is waiting for an intervention of sorts with a prepaid trip to a rehab facility since he keeps talking how his friends have paid to send their kids an spouses to rehab-while he's drunk or high. After his last dui program he kept talking about at what point someone should intervene, of course not him which he has denied with great anger on several occasions.

Family' s of ex's are tricky as is any family's politics. I guess the question is how hard does one to play diplomat.

PEACE
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Old 12-01-2015, 10:48 AM
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I believe they are inexorably linked. At least in me they are-- Alanon, over the course of 13 years, has helped me to manage, mitigate, and stifle most of my passive-aggressive behaviors, and be aware of my codependency issues which are deep-seated and profound. Now I'm less codependent and directly aggressive which is a step in the right direction-- no more passive aggression for me! Now all I have to do is figure out a way to not be so attracted to profoundly f***ed up people and their "ism's. "

And, very respectfully and IMHO, playing diplomat is codependent and passive aggressive. It's the go-to for people like me, and very much appeals to my super hero complex. Recovery, at least for me, means not playing the diplomat. The relationships between other people are none of my business-- they are responsible, fully and completely, for the dynamic of their relationships. I'm out! My relationships are my business, and not anybody else's.

That doesn't mean I don't exercise diplomacy when communicating on my own behalf, but that it's not my job to be doing it for anybody else-- especially an alcoholic/addict.
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