Thankful today; life can change for the better so fast
now's the time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Thankful today; life can change for the better so fast
For the first time ever I woke up this Thanksgiving morning feeling grateful physically. It's a sensation across my throat and chest that honestly is the reverse of how I feel anxiety... like an opening in the same places that clench up when I'm suffering.
I'm at the family house where I had a breakdown in July. Here and the month before in my own home, I'm finally wrapping my brain around the fact that I very easily could have died. The really sad way -- empty liquor bottles, messes everywhere, dirty clothes piled up, just straight up alcohol poisoning or maybe a mix of alcohol and the wrong sleeping pill. Thinking about it makes me sad for me, but really horrified for my family and what it would have done to them for me to be found that way. Gives me shivers, actually.
I felt so, incredibly alone when that was happening. I was in a serious relationship, but my boyfriend wasn't the kind of person to intervene; he just kind of acted like everything was normal. Several of my friends had distanced themselves because all I'd done for a long time was talk about how much pain I was in; the friends I had left I'd started completely masking towards, hoping that they wouldn't leave me too. I couldn't hold a job. I couldn't afford a therapist other than a guy still in school who just said things like "Mmm. that must be hard."
It literally took police forcefully entering my apartment to see if I was dead to get me to go be with my family. And it took a panic attack, and ambulance ride, a week's work of drinking liquor morning till night, and some very scary mixing with benzos to go from being with my family to asking them for help.
I had it so stuck in my head that I couldn't do this to them. I was in the darkest place I'd ever been and I wanted to protect everyone from it. I didn't want to put anyone through all the reckoning that surrounds having someone you love break down. I felt like I was the reason this was all happening, and it was my responsibility to be brave and figure out a way to get out of hell without anyone knowing I'd been there.
Just thinking about it makes me tired. I was hanging off a cliff with my fingernails and trying to have a pleasant phone call with the world, just chit chat, how's your day, mine's great!
Anyway, now I'm four and a half months sober. Last time I had a sober Thanksgiving I was obsessing over what it would be like sober, would I have cravings, would I still like the holiday, would I feel trapped.... this time I just feel so, so safe.
I underestimated the people in my life and I overestimated my own ability to be an island.
I'm stubborn as hell so I rarely feel this way, but I was so completely wrong about what needed to happen for me to get better, and I am moved almost to tears with gratitude that I have this incredible safety net that I never realized was there.
Thanks for listening, and for being here. SR is an incredibly place of safety, as well. I know Maslowe's been a bit discredited but I'm thinking more carefully about safety in my hierarchy of needs. Realizing that although I've been physically safe always, housed fed no violence etc, I've had no emotional safety for at least the last 7 years or so. Now that I'm beginning to experience that, I really do feel like I can build up from here.
I'm at the family house where I had a breakdown in July. Here and the month before in my own home, I'm finally wrapping my brain around the fact that I very easily could have died. The really sad way -- empty liquor bottles, messes everywhere, dirty clothes piled up, just straight up alcohol poisoning or maybe a mix of alcohol and the wrong sleeping pill. Thinking about it makes me sad for me, but really horrified for my family and what it would have done to them for me to be found that way. Gives me shivers, actually.
I felt so, incredibly alone when that was happening. I was in a serious relationship, but my boyfriend wasn't the kind of person to intervene; he just kind of acted like everything was normal. Several of my friends had distanced themselves because all I'd done for a long time was talk about how much pain I was in; the friends I had left I'd started completely masking towards, hoping that they wouldn't leave me too. I couldn't hold a job. I couldn't afford a therapist other than a guy still in school who just said things like "Mmm. that must be hard."
It literally took police forcefully entering my apartment to see if I was dead to get me to go be with my family. And it took a panic attack, and ambulance ride, a week's work of drinking liquor morning till night, and some very scary mixing with benzos to go from being with my family to asking them for help.
I had it so stuck in my head that I couldn't do this to them. I was in the darkest place I'd ever been and I wanted to protect everyone from it. I didn't want to put anyone through all the reckoning that surrounds having someone you love break down. I felt like I was the reason this was all happening, and it was my responsibility to be brave and figure out a way to get out of hell without anyone knowing I'd been there.
Just thinking about it makes me tired. I was hanging off a cliff with my fingernails and trying to have a pleasant phone call with the world, just chit chat, how's your day, mine's great!
Anyway, now I'm four and a half months sober. Last time I had a sober Thanksgiving I was obsessing over what it would be like sober, would I have cravings, would I still like the holiday, would I feel trapped.... this time I just feel so, so safe.
I underestimated the people in my life and I overestimated my own ability to be an island.
I'm stubborn as hell so I rarely feel this way, but I was so completely wrong about what needed to happen for me to get better, and I am moved almost to tears with gratitude that I have this incredible safety net that I never realized was there.
Thanks for listening, and for being here. SR is an incredibly place of safety, as well. I know Maslowe's been a bit discredited but I'm thinking more carefully about safety in my hierarchy of needs. Realizing that although I've been physically safe always, housed fed no violence etc, I've had no emotional safety for at least the last 7 years or so. Now that I'm beginning to experience that, I really do feel like I can build up from here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Fantail what a beautiful post. I am so happy for you. And I relate so much. I have been in your shoes more than once and it is terrifying. I'm not sure I have that emotional safety yet but I'm working toward it, I hope. Heading toward 6 months this time.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Awesome....
I'm thankful for your story. It's a moving, inspiring experience and it helps me stay sober today.
Our lives are worth so much. We have so much to be thankful for.
I'm glad you came through that awful time and are here with us now.
Keep it up.... it just keeps getting better.
I'm thankful for your story. It's a moving, inspiring experience and it helps me stay sober today.
Our lives are worth so much. We have so much to be thankful for.
I'm glad you came through that awful time and are here with us now.
Keep it up.... it just keeps getting better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,446
I love that feeling of gratitude, and I feel it now after reading your post.
It makes me incredibly happy to hear how very far you have come my friend.
Thank God for your family who intervened.
I am so glad that you are sober and happy and back here with us at SR!
V xx
It makes me incredibly happy to hear how very far you have come my friend.
Thank God for your family who intervened.
I am so glad that you are sober and happy and back here with us at SR!
V xx
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
