hopeful4

Hello folks. I thought I would give an update of the tangled life I lead with my children and my XAH.

His alcoholism is clearly in an escalation pattern. This past Sunday at church he was speaking to my DD and I was standing next to her. I could smell beer on his breath at 10am AT CHURCH. No surprise there. He is court ordered not to drink around my children, he still does, no surprise there either.

My DD turned 16, I immediately bought her a vehicle so they can simply drive away when he drinks. Lately it's bad b/c he is verbally abusive when they are there. They have not diven away...yet. They don't have the courage to do so. We are working on that in counseling.

I went to a good attorney to discuss this. She says we have a good chance to get him court ordered into treatment, which just means he will attend AA or Celebrate Recovery weekly. No biggie there either, he attended CR for years and still drank. However, she thinks that needs to be the starting point to get things changed so they are no longer court ordered to stay w/him every other weekend. I also showed her photos of his very filthy home. My children absolutely hate it there. His fiancé also gets his verbal abuse. She just sits there and does not say a word. It's very sad that her need for a man in her life is so strong that she will tolerate this horrible behavior.

The catch 22 is this. Right now, my children go every other wknd, and every other Thursday evening for about an hour or an hour and a half. The court order says they should be staying the night each week one night overnight, as well as additional time during the Christmas holiday and a week during the summer. Right now, he does not enforce this. Once I file to modify in court, he will immediately enforce that visitation, which means they will be there even more until the time that a judge actually modifies the agreement. This scares them, and it scares me too.

So, that is where we are now. We will see how it all goes. I am not filing anything before the holidays for sure, as I will not have my children exposed to him more than they have to be during the holiday.

Any and all prayers would be good. Thank you all for listening.

happybeingme

Wow. I can't believe your 16 is forced to go. At that age most courts I know allow them to decide what they want.

That is a sad and scary situation. My dad used to be like that but I think he drank that early to blunt the withdrawal. He never behaved drunk that early. I am so sorry all of you are dealing with this.

LexieCat

I, too, think the kids are old enough to decide whether they want to go. If your kids are willing to talk to the judge about how they feel about visiting, I'd try to file a motion to allow them to decide when they want to see their dad. The schedule could be maintained in terms of permissible times, but I cannot see forcing a teenage to visit a parent under these circumstances.

hopeful4

The problem is that there is not only a 16 year old, but a 10 year old as well. She won't leave her sister.

LexieCat

Well, I still think under those circumstances, the kids' report about conditions in that house should carry a lot of weight. Would they be willing to talk truthfully to the judge in chambers? (IOW, without their dad in the room? Lawyers might be present...)

wehav2day

Wow that brings me right back to being 16 too. My older brothers stayed in the home until my 16th birthday so I could drive away from dad, too.

Big hugs to you and your children.

wehav2day

Can she take her sister?

FireSprite

(((((Hopeful)))) I'm sorry to hear everything is progressing like this. If the kids are willing to officially state that he's breaking court orders & drinking around them, doesn't that give you some ammo to get the visitation revoked or revised?

I know I have no real knowledge of this - it just seems insane to me that this can be the catalyst to push him into treatment (which we all know is unlikely to work when "forced") but NOT to be able to end his rights to visitation with the girls. It seems like the choice to recover/seek treatment is an individual's personal right while his NOT choosing that of his own accord infringes on the kid's rights. Why do they seem to have fewer rights here than he does?

No real question here, it just baffles me!

hopeful4

Lexie, that is what I will be working on. Yes, they are very willing to talk, and their counselor will absolutely back all of this up. My attorney advised me that my state has an odd GAL program, you are each allowed one pick and one strike. She stated that in this county, there are some good, and some not go good ones. That is scary for me. The judge it would go back to is a good man, and is willing to listen, so that is a good thing. He was also the same judge my X had when he got into all the trouble he did, so he will remember all of that, which was quite shocking.

I am hoping and praying that they see the need to protect my children. My attorney says in this county, it's better than some, and not as good as others in protecting the children when substance abuse is involved. She thinks it's quite likely he will be court ordered for treatment, and hopefully we can adjust that the kids get no overnights during that time. This would give him a chance to straighten up if he so chooses.

Ugh. I hate all of this.

hopeful4

I agree FS, my kids seem to have very few rights in all of this. Yes, my older daughter can absolutely take her sister. They have confronted him before and he was violent, so they are very scared of him and scared of having conflict.

Liveitwell

^^ same with my ex. Violent and angry outbursts when confronted with the reality of his actions. My oldest is scared, too. I'm thinking about you, friend. Please keep is updated!!! My best to you and your girls. May you have a peaceful holiday season!