cherra

I'm pissed! Really pissed. Found out my AH (divorce isn't finale - not sure what to call him) went to church Sunday. Hugged necks, shook hands. Smiled at everyone. I just want to know how he can do that but not appologise to his family. Maybe I should back up. I'll try to make it short. He overdosed on pain meds in July and again in Sept. Pain management doctor told him no more meds until he quit drinking. He spent a week in detox and 30 days in recovery. No more drinking. No more pain meds yet. He's his old pre drinking self. AND I DON"T WANT HIM! But I do want him to say: I'm sorry for calling you names, for accusing you of horrible things, for shooting that gun in the house and traumatizing our daughter, for refusing to leave our house for the past 17 months, for ruining our lives, Don't get me wrong. I am rebuilding but he did ruin our lives. And there are parts of that life that I do miss. So I'm pissed that he can go to church and act all wonderful. He should be repentant, broken, sorry.

LexieCat

It's not your concern whether he's repentant, and you can't know what he's feeling, anyway. And wishing for someone else to suffer isn't helping your own healing.

As long as you stay wrapped up in what he's doing, you aren't moving on in your own life. What are you doing for yourself, these days?

Eauchiche

Dear Cherra
All you can do is pray for him. It takes a miracle for a person to truly repent. You might never see him do this in your lifetime.

Meanwhile, work on YOU. Forgive, detach and move on with your life. If your church allows him to be comfortable there and this makes you uncomfortable, you might have to attend a different church. That is okay. If this is the case, they showed you how they are.

Keep coming back!!!

Ally89

I don't think this says much about you at all- other than they are all completely reasonable feelings.

I think it says much more about his shocking behaviour and apparent disregard for the feelings of those that deserve better. I think one of the more frustrating things about a lot of As is the person they project to everyone else. Only we get to see the bad.

cherra

It's kinda hard to move on when we are packing up the house we built together. Right now I don't have time to do much for me but pack and work. As far as wanting him to suffer - how is wishing he would do the right thing the same as wanting him to suffer?

AnvilheadII

i think you are only hurting yourself by EXPECTING him to do the RIGHT thing. and after all this time, would an I'm Sorry really mean much?

he went to church. many would consider that a "good" thing for a person.....regardless there is no way to know his motives, or what is in his head. not sure you need to waste any of your precious time going there!!!

it's tough packing up a house. i don't envy you in this process! but you are on to better things. keep your eye on the prize, my dear!

biminiblue

I have gotten out of more than one long-term relationship and I never got apologies, regardless of the wreckage they left in their wakes.

I agree that the best course is to wish them well, pray for their happiness and move on...letting go of the expectation that he will "do the right thing" will free up a lot of yourself to be able to enjoy your life. Holding onto rage won't help you.

Yes, this is a difficult time during the physical breakup, but he deserves the fellowship of a church just as much as anyone. Churches were built for hurting and broken people.

You'll get through this. Let him go.

hopeful4

If you are waiting for an apology, you are likely in for a long wait. So sorry. He is putting on a show.

tomsteve

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he may appear happy and serene but inside broken,sorry, and tormented.

hopeful4

Love that tomsteve....Thank you for sharing!

LexieCat

This is what you said: "He should be repentant, broken, sorry." You didn't post because he failed to apologize--what triggered your post was that he was looking HAPPY--greeting people at the church with a smile on his face.

It sounds like you think he should be crawling in on bleeding knees.

Again, how he FEELS is not your business. It's natural to WANT someone to apologize and try to make it right, but are you going to put your life on hold waiting for that to happen? If he continues his recovery, you may someday get what you hope for in terms of an acknowledgement from him about his part of things. You may not. For a lot of people that is incredibly difficult and not undertaken until they have some solid recovery under their feet, and some may never do it.

Keep your eyes on what will make YOUR life better (and that isn't contingent on his showing up on your doorstep with remorseful tears in his eyes). That's how YOU move forward.

dandylion

cherra.......It is normal to want a heartfelt apology from those who have hurt us. I don't think anyone would deny that....all the other posters have acknowledged that, also.
It also peels our skin to see someone putting on a show. We all have a "social mask", you know. that was his "social mask" at the church, I surmise.
Looking at his outsides from your insides, probably grinds you.....After all he (looks) happy and you know that you feel sad......

However.....it is just as impossible to control a person who is sober as it is to control someone who is.
Detachment....Detachment.....Detachment....
Detachment is what will allow you...more and more....to realize that you two are separate people....each assigned their own side of the street...
You are not responsible for his chosen actions....emotional, social , or otherwise
that is a big mental burden that you no longer need or should have to carry......

It is really hard to be as detached as you need to become....while you are still so new to this and you are in the middle of packing the house......
It will become easier as time goes on, though.....
He is still in early recovery, also. He has a long way to go as he works on his steps and attains more recovery (assuming that he is and continues to work on it). It takes a year or two to make inroads into changing the thinking, and attitudes that are at the heart of alcoholism........

And, don't worry about the people at the church and what they think.
They don't live in your skin......so, what do they know.......

dandylion

dandylion

cherra.....I need to change my above post to this: "It is just as impossible to control a person who is sober as it is to control a p erson who is not sober"

thanks

dandylion

Refiner

I'm so sorry you have to endure that -- it's maddening! But don't go to the hardware store for bread, either. (He can't - or I should say WON'T -do that for you... it's impossible so don't hold your breath for it and torture yourself)

amy55

cherra,

This says nothing about you. I think we both know how good they were at wearing their mask on the outside, but when they come inside the mask comes off.

You have been through a lot, a lot more then most people go through. I think one of the reasons for this is because of how they want others to see them. They didn't care what we saw.

I wanted "closure". I wanted it so, so bad. I'll never get it. I had to give myself "closure". Detachment is a good way of doing it. I'm really sorry that you still have to see him.

How is your daughter doing, I think this is her second year of college. You know I will always be here for you.

(((((((hugs))))))) I think you are the best.!!!!!
amy

ladyscribbler

It says nothing about you. It's more important for him to look like a good person than to actually be a good person. You can "win" this battle by refusing to give him power over how you feel.
As usual, Amy is spot on.

healthyagain

I'll only say this. Time is precious. When you are angry or resentful, you are focused on him. You are wasting your time by being angry. He still has power over you, over your energy. Now, I can fully understand why you feel the way you feel. The truth is, he may never say "sorry." And there is nothing you can do about it.

FeelingGreat

Hi Cherra, it will help to really drill down on what's making you angry. Yes, you are annoyed that he's come back 'triumphant' and is greeted by one and all. But why is that a problem? I'm suggesting you ask yourself. You might come up with - he's trespassing on my turf (church), or 'the others don't know what I went through' etc. Then ask yourself again 'why is that a problem for me?' Drill down through the obvious. When you get to the real basis of your anger you may feel some relief.

amy55

cherra,

We've talked for a really long time, maybe not frequently, but we've talked. I want you to know that anger is a normal thing. I didn't want anyone telling me that anger was wrong. I needed that anger. Anger is an emotion. It can be both good or something just settles in you, and festers in you, like a cancer or an ulcer.

There are many stages that we go through with a break up of a marriage. I remember that you were thinking of going back to him. Now you are seeing this side of him, that just doesn't care about your feelings at all. This side of him that is just playing with other people, the way he played with you.

I think they say that there are 5 stages of grief. Forget how they go, or what they are, but I think that you have hit most of them except for the anger. I think after going through the anger stage that you will go into acceptance, (again). I think you were there already, but sometimes, those stages can repeat, and you can go back and forth between them. This is all normal.

I'll never forget the first time you posted here. I think you were in a state of shock. Yes, firing that gun in the house at the ceiling, kicking the ......, your daughter witnessing the entire thing. Having to leave your house.

I'm sure that it took you a lot of time to get out of that shock. I know it would have taken me a long time.

I think this is a good time to just reach out. He's putting on an act. The same act that he always put on.

I truly can understand why you would want him to take responsibility for that, but really, did he ever take responsibility? He's not going to do it now. I'm writing this for you, and for you only.

I respect all of the other replies, but sometimes, I think I wasn't ready to hear that yet. I think you will be soon. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to hear that I had a lot of resentments and to just move on. I needed (((((((hugs))))))), and I am here for you.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

amy

cherra

Thank you Amy. And to someone else, I know exactly why I am angry. I am angry because he emotionally abuse my daughter and me. I am angry because I let him. I am angry because I stayed when I should have left YEARS ago. I am angry because I lost the home I loved (Yeah Yeah Yeah I know it's just a house) We raised our children in that house and I was supposed to grow old in it. I am angry that my daughter STILL can't go in it without an anxiety attack. I am angry because I don't really buy the "he didn't mean it - he was just drunk" I think he meant every single word even if he doesn't remember it. I am angry that everyone is telling me to move on but right now every single muscle and bone in my body hurts from moving 38 years of a shared life out of a house that has been sold with precious little help from him except for his stuff and I don't have the time, money, or energy for me. You would not tell a grieving widow of less than two years to stop grieving but I am expected to just put it all behind me and move on. I promise you I've lost as much if not more than a widow. I am moving on but some days are harder than other.