UPDATE: Having children after an alcoholic marriage
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UPDATE: Having children after an alcoholic marriage
Most of you probably don't remember me it's been forever since I've been here but I left my alcoholic relationship years ago. My biggest regret was making the responsible decision and not having children with an alcoholic - I know it was the right decision but my codependent brain at the time didn't realize that the right decision was to LEAVE someone unable to have children with me due to alcoholism not to give up children for him...which I did. When I got out I was almost 40 and my clock was ticking...I'm a little over 40 now...(let's not talk age haha).
Anyway this is my journey...I hope it helps someone in a similar situation. Once I left my XAH my first line of business was to move...I got a better job and doubled my income. Then I started making friends again and living again. Then it was time to get serious - the first thing I'm embarassed to admit is when I was with my A I didn't go to the doctor for years...I finally went in 2014. What I found was I had cancer in my female reproductive system....we tried two procedures to get rid of it and they didn't work. So in 2015 I had a biopsy surgery and yes that time we got rid of the cancer...HOWEVER unfortunately the doctor messed up the surgery and damaged several parts of my reproductive system. Without going into too much detail lets just say i was no longer normal inside and my body was being further damaged each month...my uterus was damaged and as long as the issue wasn't fixed got damaged worse and worse.
Well my doctor didn't believe there was a problem for the first few months...during that time I also went to a fertility doctor who started doing IVF for me. During an egg retrieval he saw all my problems...so he told my other doctor and she finally believed me. HOWEVER...she tried to tell my hysterectomy was my only option..I asked her for options and she reluctantly referred me to a specialist...the problem was the specialist couldn't see me for 6 months. I spent those six months in and out of the ER, in constant pain, working AND I continued IVF...I wanted to try.
So in July the first miracle happened - the fertility doctor got me a NORMAL embryo...it's hard to get normal ones at my age. It's a girl! However the miracle didn't get me the baby due to my problems mentioned above.
So I waited....finally in October of this year 2015 I saw the specialist and he agreed to do a never done before surgery to try to make it so I could carry the baby. THUS MIRACLE #2 - the surgery happened and was successful...the doctor is even writing a medical paper on me to show women hysterectomy isn't the only option!
It was the ROUGHEST YEAR OF MY LIFE. And I did it ALONE...no relationship no A in my life (thank god on the second one haha). HOWEV ER that said none of these miracles would have happened if I hadn't left...if I had stayed I wouldn't have found the cancer or have even a chance at a child! So if you don't think you can go at it alone if you leave trust me you CAN...if I can do all this anything is possible. Just think if you don't take a chance how will you ever know what was possible? If I had stayed I'd have cancer, no chance at a child and no opportunity to have a paper written on me to help other women! Now no my life isn't perfect (dating sucks btw but I digress)...but at least I'm living an trying now.
So...now I need a THIRD miracle...hopefully when they implant the embryo in early 2016 (I'm also getting my first home then)....I will carry with no complications..I have ONE embryo and ONE chance (I may do one more egg harvest but there are no guarantees). If this child happens it will truly be a miracle...and if it doesn't well I know I tried my best and I'll keep trying.
I guess my point is there was no way for me to see what was possible as long as I continued to stay in that bad relationship out of fear.....so by doing nothing I was limiting my possibilities.
Anyway this is my journey...I hope it helps someone in a similar situation. Once I left my XAH my first line of business was to move...I got a better job and doubled my income. Then I started making friends again and living again. Then it was time to get serious - the first thing I'm embarassed to admit is when I was with my A I didn't go to the doctor for years...I finally went in 2014. What I found was I had cancer in my female reproductive system....we tried two procedures to get rid of it and they didn't work. So in 2015 I had a biopsy surgery and yes that time we got rid of the cancer...HOWEVER unfortunately the doctor messed up the surgery and damaged several parts of my reproductive system. Without going into too much detail lets just say i was no longer normal inside and my body was being further damaged each month...my uterus was damaged and as long as the issue wasn't fixed got damaged worse and worse.
Well my doctor didn't believe there was a problem for the first few months...during that time I also went to a fertility doctor who started doing IVF for me. During an egg retrieval he saw all my problems...so he told my other doctor and she finally believed me. HOWEVER...she tried to tell my hysterectomy was my only option..I asked her for options and she reluctantly referred me to a specialist...the problem was the specialist couldn't see me for 6 months. I spent those six months in and out of the ER, in constant pain, working AND I continued IVF...I wanted to try.
So in July the first miracle happened - the fertility doctor got me a NORMAL embryo...it's hard to get normal ones at my age. It's a girl! However the miracle didn't get me the baby due to my problems mentioned above.
So I waited....finally in October of this year 2015 I saw the specialist and he agreed to do a never done before surgery to try to make it so I could carry the baby. THUS MIRACLE #2 - the surgery happened and was successful...the doctor is even writing a medical paper on me to show women hysterectomy isn't the only option!
It was the ROUGHEST YEAR OF MY LIFE. And I did it ALONE...no relationship no A in my life (thank god on the second one haha). HOWEV ER that said none of these miracles would have happened if I hadn't left...if I had stayed I wouldn't have found the cancer or have even a chance at a child! So if you don't think you can go at it alone if you leave trust me you CAN...if I can do all this anything is possible. Just think if you don't take a chance how will you ever know what was possible? If I had stayed I'd have cancer, no chance at a child and no opportunity to have a paper written on me to help other women! Now no my life isn't perfect (dating sucks btw but I digress)...but at least I'm living an trying now.
So...now I need a THIRD miracle...hopefully when they implant the embryo in early 2016 (I'm also getting my first home then)....I will carry with no complications..I have ONE embryo and ONE chance (I may do one more egg harvest but there are no guarantees). If this child happens it will truly be a miracle...and if it doesn't well I know I tried my best and I'll keep trying.
I guess my point is there was no way for me to see what was possible as long as I continued to stay in that bad relationship out of fear.....so by doing nothing I was limiting my possibilities.
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I do remember you Aeryn. Really glad to hear from you. Thank you for sharing your amazing journey. I'm so glad you're in good health and cancer free now and I hope that 2016 bring you even more blessings.
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Wow. I needed to read this tonight. As badly as I want to be with my abf, I really want kids and can't in good conscience have them with him. My clock is ticking and I need to move on to have a chance at something I've always wanted.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
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Originally Posted by mcm19 
Wow. I needed to read this tonight. As badly as I want to be with my abf, I really want kids and can't in good conscience have them with him. My clock is ticking and I need to move on to have a chance at something I've always wanted.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
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So good to see you again, and to hear how you motored through that year from hell all on your own. You're really amazing and wonderful and I'm so, so, so happy that miracles have been coming your way -- and I hope and pray for another miracle for you!!!
And this:
Yes. That. All of it. True.
PS: You have to keep us updated.
And this:
there was no way for me to see what was possible as long as I continued to stay in that bad relationship out of fear.....so by doing nothing I was limiting my possibilities.
PS: You have to keep us updated.
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Originally Posted by lillamy
PS: You have to keep us updated.
Hopefully I'll be updating next with the news I'm pregnant!
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Rather than start a new thread and re-explain my situation I thought I'd just add to this thread.
The news keeps getting better...the plan is to do one more IVF cycle in January (to see if I can get two normal embryos instead of just one - just to be safe) and then in March we will implant one (or TWO if this cycle gets another embryo). So I could potentially have twins if I end up with two embryos and both survive.
Here's my "worry" - first I want to be a mom more than anything so I'm DOING THIS NO MATTER WHAT. But I'm worried about being alone with this kid (forever).....I know it's silly but I'm over 40 (just a little bit but still) and I'm worried that no man will want a woman with a young child (especially a child that's not his). So I'm worried I will sacrifice a future relationship for a kid...and I'm willing to do it I just wish I could have BOTH you know? It's hard to not be mad at XAH for this but I know it's my issue for staying in the relationship with XAH as long as I did.
I'm sure this is codependency issues...I mean I don't NEED a relationship and a kid is forever a relationship is not (yeah I'm a bit relationship jaded)....so I'm sure I'm fretting over nothing but it is scary. To know I'm taking this step and willing to sacrifice a relationship for a child....that's a big step for me the old me would have not had the child because I'd be so worried to be alone.
Any thoughts on this?
The news keeps getting better...the plan is to do one more IVF cycle in January (to see if I can get two normal embryos instead of just one - just to be safe) and then in March we will implant one (or TWO if this cycle gets another embryo). So I could potentially have twins if I end up with two embryos and both survive.
Here's my "worry" - first I want to be a mom more than anything so I'm DOING THIS NO MATTER WHAT. But I'm worried about being alone with this kid (forever).....I know it's silly but I'm over 40 (just a little bit but still) and I'm worried that no man will want a woman with a young child (especially a child that's not his). So I'm worried I will sacrifice a future relationship for a kid...and I'm willing to do it I just wish I could have BOTH you know? It's hard to not be mad at XAH for this but I know it's my issue for staying in the relationship with XAH as long as I did.
I'm sure this is codependency issues...I mean I don't NEED a relationship and a kid is forever a relationship is not (yeah I'm a bit relationship jaded)....so I'm sure I'm fretting over nothing but it is scary. To know I'm taking this step and willing to sacrifice a relationship for a child....that's a big step for me the old me would have not had the child because I'd be so worried to be alone.
Any thoughts on this?
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There are so many divorced women with kids from a previous marriage that I don't think it's likely to take you out of the marriage pool. In fact, you might have a bit of an "edge" in the sense that you would have kids without the drama that potentially comes with having their bio-dad in the picture.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
There are so many divorced women with kids from a previous marriage that I don't think it's likely to take you out of the marriage pool. In fact, you might have a bit of an "edge" in the sense that you would have kids without the drama that potentially comes with having their bio-dad in the picture.
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Oh my, being a single parent in your 40s describes, well, millions of women! And men! Not to worry, Aeryn, the right guy will love you and your child and respect and admire you, just as those of us on this forum do who read your story.
It's never too late for love. What wet-behind-the-ears whippersnapper (sorry, it just really fits!) told you 40 is old?? My mom is in her 80s and dating and doing it quite well!
It's never too late for love. What wet-behind-the-ears whippersnapper (sorry, it just really fits!) told you 40 is old?? My mom is in her 80s and dating and doing it quite well!
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OK I need prayers and support.....my codie unconifident thoughts are clouding me.
I went through two more rounds of IVF and both failed...so all I have is this ONE NORMAL EMBRYO....it's a girl.
The doctor wants me to get a surrogate but it's 100,000 so I really don't have that kind of money and want to implant the embryo in me. HOWEVER....due to the damage that doctor that malpracticed on me did my chances of ONE embryo being successful are a bit less than 43% (43% is the number for a normal woman). NOW if I had TWO embryos...the chances would go to less than 87%....much better but not my situation UNLESS I decide to use a donor egg.
I am SO SCARED to even TRY to implant because if it fails I'm going to be devastated....knowing my choice of staying with an AH took away my dreams of a normal life and children.
I'm thinking of getting a donor egg then at least I can implant two for better odds but that's another $20,000...I've already spent around $80,000 on all this.
I am having trouble not blaming myself for maybe having to be alone the rest of my life...for people who dont' know my story I have no family - my dad passed when I was 14 my mom just passed (she was a narcissist that was incapable of love anyway) and my Mom's family while nice live across the country and don't have much time for me. I can't even explain how much I want a family...no NOT a relationship (I do NOT trust men) but a family. I am so scared to try to implant this embryo and fail.
Any advice?? I know I have to do it....I'm just afraid of the results....that finality of knowing it's all over if this doesn't work.
I so wish alcoholism had never entered my life.....if only I had married a normal guy to start.....or just never gotten married.
It is SO FRUSTRATING knowing that me making the right decision and not having kids with an AH got me here. :-/
I went through two more rounds of IVF and both failed...so all I have is this ONE NORMAL EMBRYO....it's a girl.
The doctor wants me to get a surrogate but it's 100,000 so I really don't have that kind of money and want to implant the embryo in me. HOWEVER....due to the damage that doctor that malpracticed on me did my chances of ONE embryo being successful are a bit less than 43% (43% is the number for a normal woman). NOW if I had TWO embryos...the chances would go to less than 87%....much better but not my situation UNLESS I decide to use a donor egg.
I am SO SCARED to even TRY to implant because if it fails I'm going to be devastated....knowing my choice of staying with an AH took away my dreams of a normal life and children.
I'm thinking of getting a donor egg then at least I can implant two for better odds but that's another $20,000...I've already spent around $80,000 on all this.
I am having trouble not blaming myself for maybe having to be alone the rest of my life...for people who dont' know my story I have no family - my dad passed when I was 14 my mom just passed (she was a narcissist that was incapable of love anyway) and my Mom's family while nice live across the country and don't have much time for me. I can't even explain how much I want a family...no NOT a relationship (I do NOT trust men) but a family. I am so scared to try to implant this embryo and fail.
Any advice?? I know I have to do it....I'm just afraid of the results....that finality of knowing it's all over if this doesn't work.
I so wish alcoholism had never entered my life.....if only I had married a normal guy to start.....or just never gotten married.
It is SO FRUSTRATING knowing that me making the right decision and not having kids with an AH got me here. :-/
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