entropy1964

Hi everyone

I just needed to pour out some thoughts. The earth hasn't crashed, all he!! Isn't breaking loose. Just alone and thinking.

Holidays are a weird time. I used to hate them. For years. Now I'm just indifferent.....don't mind em, just don't really care. I'm alone for the second time in my life for thanksgiving....the last time was 4 years ago right after my husbands funeral. It was oddly relaxing and memorable. I didn't have to think about cancer or watch my beloved suffer or pretend I was happy for the first time in two years. That sounds monsterous to say doesn't it? This thanksgiving will be oddly relaxing as well. No perfectionist, controlling boyfriend that I have to be perfect for. No one bedroom cabin in the mountains with 12 overly social and invasive people (an introverts nightmare) drinking excessively. One bathroom I might add as well. It was fun in a way, but it was simply NOT me. I will never not be me again. Just have to figure out who me is....stay tuned

I have this man that wants me to meet him at a sports bar thanksgiving day to watch football (ooooo). I'm thinking, should I do this? No it's not a drinking concern, it's a why would I do this concern. Boredom? Loneliness? Ugh. Not a big deal. Another poster started a thread about the Island of Misfit Toys....I love Rudolph. This immediately brought back memories of Dolly. I loved her and felt so sad for her. I related to her. But when I thought of what her misfit malfunction was I couldn't exactly remember. So I googled. She was suffering from depression from being abandoned. HA! No wonder I related to her. Don't know where Im going with that.

So thanksgiving day will be yoga. Maybe a walk with the doggies, maybe meet this man at a bar for an hour, then home to make some kind of yummy dinner. Think I'll treat myself to a dessert.

I know many are hurting right now and it makes my heart heavy. Try not to overthink. Drinking won't help. Period. Try something new, anything. Just don't drink and know that we are all connected here in our struggles and victories. I'm thankful for you guys and hope that those suffering try to show some self love and have a no harm philosophy.

Peace.

CurlyGirl1978

Frickaflip, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I love the bonds we build through SR!

JD

Thanks for posting frick. Have a great Thanksgiving, what every the day may bring.

thomas11

Great post frickaflip. There are terms or buzzwords, if you will, like taking a self inventory or checking your moral compass. I am one who actually believe quite strongly in those things. Analyzing, reflecting, and ultimately making the right decisions that suit you. That's kind of what I took away from your post.

You said " I will never not be me again." That must feel good. Have a great thanksgiving.

GoesWithTheFlow

Thanks for putting me in my place the other day. My sincere condolences for your lost loved one.

I don't know when I began to hate the holidays either but I hope to one day not feel that way about them.

I to am trying to find out who I am, especially who I am as a sober human being; working on the sober part. I am looking forward to how your story will unfold.

Soberwolf

Great post FrickaFlip

entropy1964

Thanks Thomas. Now I have to stick to my own resolution and not loose myself again. Its going to take time....You have a great Turkey Day too.

entropy1964

Aw GWTF I wasn't trying to slap ya around. Its just that alcoholism is not necessarily a quick way to go. I believe that most of the time its not. And if its the booze that is killing the person, the death is very very ugly. My father is a walking zombie. He hasn't tried to eat my Mom yet, that I'm aware of, but that's next :/ If she looked like a cookie he'd eat her for sure. Ok that's kind of sick but I have to try to see some kind of humor in the whole thing. His feet are so mangled from god only knows what (alcoholic neuropathy? horrid circulation) that they make Google Images of mangled feet look tame. I couldn't even get the dr. to take off his socks, I had to. And I thought the dr was going to puke. I'm pretty sure he thinks we're neglecting my dad but what can we do? And my Mom just turns a blind eye "he's always been this way". No mom he hasn't always been this way. And if he were, would that somehow make it ok? The edema is so bad in his legs that he gets 'bleeder's now and then...veins that just blow out of his skin and he just bleeds all over....sometimes a couple of pints of blood. If one us kids isn't there my Mom will just tell him to put his feet up. Sorry, sorry. I'm rambling.

Its easy to glamorize alcohol when having a good drunk. But the next day...or after a week of that 'good' drinking? Then ask that same drunk how happy they are.

Anyway, thanks for not getting PO'd with me And thanks for the condolences. Cancer sucks.

BixBees505

Great posts. Alcoholic reality bites, and there are no choices.
Sober reality=choices.

entropy1964

So true Bix. Its really normal to feel like 'all my options are gone' now that I'm no longer drinking but that is such a lie. Alcohol takes away all my choices, all my freedom. My father has no freedom at all.

I just got a call, outta no where I might add, from a gal I connected with in detox. I tried to contact her when we got out but she never followed through. Anyway, she was LOADED. I could barely understand her. No judgment....been there, done that...except I never call anyone. Anyway, we talked for a few minutes. I was able to ascertain that her kids are in town but with their dad. She didn't want me to call the detox facility, she didn't want to call 911. I'm thinking, why is she calling me? Cause I didn't think it was just to talk. She wanted me to get her booze. Oh lord. I told her I was out of town. I can't get sucked into that because I don't know her that well. I told her I would make calls for her but that was all I could do. She told me to F off and hung up. Poor, poor thing. Breaks my heart. Talk about no choices. Ugh.

GoesWithTheFlow

Ramble as much as you need with me No worries about me getting pissed off especially when you are saying all kinds of truth. I don't get mad at truth I get mad (sometimes) at insults or when people ask for truth and then get mad when you give it to them lol.

entropy1964

Well that's good gwtf. I get mad at the truth sometimes . But I try to control myself!