Txhelp

My husband's history and drug of choice is meth. He walked/moved away from and stayed clean from meth for 12 years. We dated for 3 years and married Feb 2013 in Hawaii. He had never been to rehab or had a program. He drank socially.

He relapsed for 6 months, soon after our wedding and I immediately kicked him out. He stay out for 2 weeks and I was going to pull the plug. He ended up going to his company's HR office and asked for help. I was so proud. He went to a great rehab and worked a program for about 2 weeks. Then started saying " I can drink as it's not my d.o.c. and I don't have a problem" I told him to ask his sponsor. He was obsessing. He began to occasionally drink.

His job is shift work with lots of overtime. We had marriage problems due to him shutting down during conflict and somewhat disconnecting. He is emotionally immature. I began to feel alone and brought up maybe another job might be better for us and him....so we could have a life. He was defensive and felt belittled (personalised). I am a communicator and know how to approach sensitively. He said he loved his job and didn't want to do anything else. Fast forward to 84 hour weeks and 2 months. He suffers from migraines and stresses increase them . His life isn't balanced.

We are in Hawaii now on a vacation from Hell. After a few days, I was discussing a common topic of perhaps we might have sex. Sensitive...but he has ED and lower libido...takes testosterone and ed medication. I remind and give him injection. He says sex is important to him. Well...having felt alone in many way and now feeling alone on vacation c action, I stated that we needed to be more proactive( take pill during day, limit drinking, and not waiting at night). He agreed but 4 days later no proactive and no sex.

He doesn't meet my needs even when I ask him to....He says he wants to but does nothing. Generally affectionate and we usually have fun.

Well he pulled the ....emotional shutdown, disconnect, being short with me for 5 days. After feeling a lot of pain, I said I was leaving ( my best friend lives her). I begged him to please have a conversation....tell me something. He couldn't. He has always told me I am the only one for him,hes prayed for me, etc. He said I'm the one he's waited for all his life. ......I don't feel like it. I leave him at the condo. I cool down. He refuses to talk or see me. Tells me to go home. Now at 7 days of no contact....we are going home on the same plane.

During those 7 days, I found out that withdrew 1200 in cash, he contacted escorts and is more than likely doing meth. He also was showing a lady around the island. He has looked down on cheaters and is now one.

My friend told me prior to me leaving that he "felt" different this time....spiritually off. Now...I believe was already relapsing. I am hearing addict behaviors.

We leave today and I've emailed him that he will not be staying with me. I don't think he planned to....I love him dearly and find it cruel and incredible for this to happen. Now I board a plane with a husband that is detached and using. We haven't talked and now an 8 hour flight.

Drug addicts....selfish immature. I'm not perfect but to call escorts that moment I leave....meant it was already on his mind.....the meth. Plus meth and sex go together and that was validating for him.

I would love for him to humble himself but I'm not sure if I have it in me to wait. Any comments or support would be great.

AnvilheadII

and what IS it that you LOVE about this person and his behavior???

Txhelp

Good point....nothing lately. The person is sick now. I'm sad. He's a good man with his heart darkened.

We made it to our halfway point. I practically had to arm wrestle him to talk to me prior getting on board the flight. I told him it might be better than just sitting next to each other without a brief conversation.

He doesn't have a history of cheating in relationships...He all frowned on that behavior. Now he's one.

I told him that I loved him and would be there if he needed help and do my best....counseling, rehab, etc.

He's moving out. So difficult this journey but he has work to do on himself. He started and has a regular counselor at the beginning of this year. He went to default mode.

I'm taking it as it goes. I won't wait for along time. He's messed around unless I see a turn toward intense help and behaviors. ....I'm afraid I may move on.

Ann

I am so sorry that your marriage has turned into a nightmare and hope you find peace soon. Often, by the time a person leaves a marriage it's like shutting the door on an already empty room.

Perhaps some therapy for you would be helpful. Also meetings have brought many of us here peace of mind, Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that help us find our balance again and learn to make healthy choices in life.

Hugs

Txhelp

Thank you Ann....He was loving the marriage but I had real concerns, voiced them and would get shut out. He was worse prior to rehab but started counseling and church which was helpful to him. In saw progress. I was struggling and have my own counselor. Big consider myself healthy, loyal and balanced for the most part. I struggled with codependency but am doing pretty good with it.

Almost married 3 years. Wow. He has humbling to do...I can tell he blames his behaviors due to my leaving. Normal people don't immediately call an escort and score drugs.

hopeful4

I think you should move on. He is making a choice, and he is going to have to live with the consequences. You have a choice not to.

I am so sorry. Many hugs.

zoso77

I hate to state the obvious, but this should be the straw that breaks this camel's back. I'm so sorry this has happened...

JD4320

That sounds pretty awful, and in some ways sounds similar to my experience. If he's using meth, that's a pretty intense drug and he probably needs to back away from ALL substances. Whether or not alcohol is his drug of choice, it lights up the same craving cycle. Would you not care if he was doing heroin, or cocaine instead? Of course you would! As the saying goes "at the bottom of your first drink you'll find your drug of choice." An addict is either in active addiction, or recovery. I've never seen anything in between.

If he's not dedicating himself to sobriety, if he's negotiating with his sobriety, he's putting things in front of his sobriety and he'll lose his sobriety. Sounds like he could be losing you too. Maybe that'll be the consequences he needs to get help and sustain his health. Or maybe you're just saving yourself from more pain and agony.

Either way, glad you're here!

Txhelp

Thank you....I have no other choice but to move on. Still it hurts.

Txhelp

There is a real grieving process going on now. How my husband and I related 2 weeks ago and now are night and day. Since, returning home from vacation, I know he probably white knuckling his meth use. He figured his Hawaii trip would end and he would not bring it home. He blames me for putting him over the edge when I left. Home is reality. That's his responsibility...not mine.

His attitude and behaviors are sad and immature towards me. My plan is to not contact him unless absolutely necessary. He doesn't want much to do with me. He accepts no responsibility. It's easier that way. I interfere with his use and call him out. I don't want that responsibility either. It's good he's gone, for my sanity.

Marriage is important for me. My first lasted 25 years and my ex regrets it happened. I what it takes to have a long term relationship and proud of how healthy I've become emotionally over time. This second marriage, I was hopeful to have him for life. Drugs and addict behaviors make this impossible.

JOIE12

it helped me a lot to look inside myself. Why was I ok with ignoring how painful an addicts behavior is ? Why did I think that I deserved this ? Why with all of the information and stories just like mine - did I think we would be any different ? I researched more heavily - Codependent behavior. Something that I needed to fix before I could make decisions that I was proud of. Cheating is a deal breaker, especially making payment to get it.

Txhelp

The one thing that I've struggled with is codependency and have a fairly good grip on it. My kids have struggled with addiction and has that tested by codependent abilities! However, they are doing well now. My husband is living outside of my home as we speak.

During this vacation, after I left, I think he had every intention to say "f...it" and said we were done. He was making sure of it. Emotions overwhelmed and he was back on meth. Escorts a new thing to me and he doesn't have history of it, but who knows.

At this time, his anger has subsided, and he is clear. I haven't noticed any cash w/d of 1 min phone calls to numbers I don't know. He isn't a young person. He hates himself on drugs and what it has done to his life. It's his recovery.

He's stopping by after work to get RX and "see the dog." So transparent. My boundaries are still in place. He owes me a huge something....apology...I don't know but even that's nothing at this point. I told him that he needs to figure out this, on his own, as something is wrong with a person that does this...to himself and the people he loves. He went to a dark place.

I'm doing me. My life goes on and I'm figuring out things as they are revealed. I trust my judgement and boundaries.

JOIE12

Stay strong and have faith in your decisions - you seem to be handling this with grace. I wish you well with the visit and hope you will post an update. Hugs txhelp.

Txhelp

Thank you all for the responses. He visited "the dog" half heartedly. He wouldn't maintain eye contact-such shame involved. He stated, again, the he didn't know much of anything other than he wasn't sure if he wanted this relationship; can do this relationship or if I'd let him back. I told him that if he wants anything other than what it is...it's up to him to come to the table.

I've done to much relationship work for the both of us. I am not longer in the market to continue. He needs to come to the table. He's very sad and depressed of course. He said he was getting help. Such underlying anger...he's his father all over. Wow.

I did ask him a question: Have you at all though of what I may be feeling? He said "no." I would be embarrassed to say that but that's an addict. Selfish behaviors and overwhelmed with HIS emotions.

I am trying to not find a speck of hope. I know that he does love me, but really what am I hoping for a miracle? My daughter said...even if there is a miracle would you want this to happen again...in a year? No way.

I am just having trouble detaching even though we are now separated. I know it's normal.

Txhelp

He came by to pick up a check that he was expecting. Still no eye contact. Anger was increased as I asked him for 1/2 the check due to property taxes being soon. He said ok but I could tell, over the phone, that he wasn't liking it due to "having spent all of this money to take you to Hawaii." LOL. I told him that I wouldn't have spent $1200 on escorts and meth....

He showed up angry as predicted. He's not using as there are no behaviors (money/cash from account/short phone calls) and his mother agrees. However, I consider him still in RELAPSE mode by his mental and spiritual attitude. Sort of how he was prior to using, while on vacation....

He's not clear minded. Still blaming me about the vacation? Now blaming me that I am "bleeding him dry." LOL. He came into my bought/paid for home and I have zero debt. He paid the household bills. What a joke!

Oh, and he took the 5 month old puppy suddenly. Selfish man-

I am not answering his calls/texts unless it about arrangements to get his stuff. He said he was getting a divorce "does that surprise you?" he asked. I said "well, you haven't manned up and told me to my face. So I thought I'd ask.

What did I expect? I expected more prior to vacation and it seems some real personality flaw/anger issues have bubbled to the surface.

hopeful4

Get away form this man. He will relapse, it's only a matter of time. I hate to say that, but he is 100% self absorbed and has and will only hurt you.

Many, many hugs. Listen to that daughter of yours!

KeepinItReal

So sorry you are going through this Hell. I wish you well.

Txhelp

He called and left voicemail to apologize that way he treated me last night. I didn't call back. He called later to say the dog wasn't working out at his mothers (she has 2 large male dogs). I contacted later and said "its your dog right?" (silence)

I love the dog and I will pick her up after work. I have planned no contact unless logistics. Why allow him to invade my space with this toxic manners?

AnvilheadII

putting how he treats YOU aside for just ONE moment - yanking a 5 month old PUPPY from it's HOME out of spite tells you what this man is really made of. he did not consider the dog's well being, or the care it needs, or how stressful being removed and thrown into another environment with two large dogs would be for the poor defenseless thing, he did it JUST to be a dick.

IMHO, people that are cruel to animals are just that - cruel, mean-spirited, selfish and should be avoided at all costs.

now about YOU.....are you still trying to find that SPECK of hope? or do you SEE what you SEE now and KNOW what you KNOW?

Txhelp

I totally agree regarding the puppy. When he did it, I compared it to "what if it were a child, would you snatch him from me without his clothes; belongings or diapers. That's the kind of selfish man you are and shows your colors." He took the dog and asked for the food last night.

He's sick and selfish. He has done such a 180....after we arrived in Hawaii for vacation (unrecognizable). He's had issues of selfishness but adding extreme anger and relapse...He really hit it out of the ballpark!

Do I have a speck of hope. Sick as I am, I do. Very little...smaller by the day.