How do they always know....
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
How do they always know....
when you are taking care of yourself? Last night is usaully the night I go to counseling and have for the past 4 years. I decide to change my day to Thursday and go to an Al-Anon meeting last night- WELL! My A was working late (he works in my town) and he lives 45 minutes from his work.....I just got out of my meeting felt all refreshed-rejuvenated when BAM the my cell rings not two minutes after I pull out....(as if he was following me (my fear kicking in) I did not answer it because I did not want my mood ruined-but did listien to the message and it said "THANKS ALOT" meaning thanks for not being home for ME, thanks for not letting me come and sleep at your house, thanks for not letting me take a shower......blah blah blah and the curtain opens! "Me" Me" blah blah blah I knew what was going to come next because my A was drunk...the excessive phone calls...nasty messages. Well I was right ..but did not play them until this morning which then created my old habits to kick in ...my fear etc.....I was out cheating on him ....I'm not human....I'm this...I'm that ....etc...we know the routine. It hurt my feelings as it always does .....but they just do not get that!
The thing is I know what I need to do to end the relationship because he has been drinking since he was 8 years old...has admitted to being an A and has been to AA and said it was not for him...his father drinks...his sister drinks....(Ummmm Enablers?) His work he has been at for 19 years they excuse if he is late for work (which I must say he always is there and on time for the most part) but after work they all sit and have a beer! (The Victim?) well I know what comes next as I have learned in Al-Anon and that is the Provoker. I have learned over the years dealing with family members that I did not cause it....I cannot control it ....and I cannot cure it! I have never really been the type to try to with my family and I know that I'm not about to with my AB.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel like my old habits are kicking in of the "fear" I have been nasty today to everyone and I do not like it! I want off this Merry-Go-Round .....I have gotten off before but just cannot seem to do it this time! I'm afraid of the consequences that I know will happen if I tell him goodbye-the excessive phone calls , the stalking etc....but I know it is the right thing to do for ME! I have been trying to get on the right path again in my life by attending meetings more often and as I said why is that they always know?? We ended up arguing today which is always as we know a one way street because they do not see what they have done or said only what we have done! I feel so lost right now and I hate this feeling!
Thanks for letting me share!
The thing is I know what I need to do to end the relationship because he has been drinking since he was 8 years old...has admitted to being an A and has been to AA and said it was not for him...his father drinks...his sister drinks....(Ummmm Enablers?) His work he has been at for 19 years they excuse if he is late for work (which I must say he always is there and on time for the most part) but after work they all sit and have a beer! (The Victim?) well I know what comes next as I have learned in Al-Anon and that is the Provoker. I have learned over the years dealing with family members that I did not cause it....I cannot control it ....and I cannot cure it! I have never really been the type to try to with my family and I know that I'm not about to with my AB.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel like my old habits are kicking in of the "fear" I have been nasty today to everyone and I do not like it! I want off this Merry-Go-Round .....I have gotten off before but just cannot seem to do it this time! I'm afraid of the consequences that I know will happen if I tell him goodbye-the excessive phone calls , the stalking etc....but I know it is the right thing to do for ME! I have been trying to get on the right path again in my life by attending meetings more often and as I said why is that they always know?? We ended up arguing today which is always as we know a one way street because they do not see what they have done or said only what we have done! I feel so lost right now and I hate this feeling!
Thanks for letting me share!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Rella...
It's the dance of Codependancy... and we all learned the steps to it as children.
I try to put the users behavior in this perspective... cause I am a user and a controller...
It is as impossible for an alkie/addict to just up and quit their bad behavior as it is impossible for me to simply stop obsessing over them.
In the users case... it's the substance that is their Higher Power... and in the controllers case... the user becomes the HP.
All these fears and self defeating beliefs are familiar to me.. and that's why I work so hard to maintain them.
That's why I go to meetings.
It helps me identify thinking patterns that are sabotaging my efforts to be happy... and it gives me new ways of thinking and acting to try out and see what results they produce.
Your on the right track going to meetings and trying to put yourself first...
Hearing/reading others stories that could be written about us are an amazing mirror that can break through the fog of denial...
It's the dance of Codependancy... and we all learned the steps to it as children.
I try to put the users behavior in this perspective... cause I am a user and a controller...
It is as impossible for an alkie/addict to just up and quit their bad behavior as it is impossible for me to simply stop obsessing over them.
In the users case... it's the substance that is their Higher Power... and in the controllers case... the user becomes the HP.
All these fears and self defeating beliefs are familiar to me.. and that's why I work so hard to maintain them.
That's why I go to meetings.
It helps me identify thinking patterns that are sabotaging my efforts to be happy... and it gives me new ways of thinking and acting to try out and see what results they produce.
Your on the right track going to meetings and trying to put yourself first...
Hearing/reading others stories that could be written about us are an amazing mirror that can break through the fog of denial...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: NOT in love thank goodness
Posts: 115
try to stay motivated to change your life though....because delaying the inevitable with someone like this only makes it worse. Don't put off dealing with him just becuase he is a pain. I am in the very same boat. My ASO is still pursuing me after I've asked him to move out. He's been gone two weeks but all his things are still here. He's waiting for me to change my mind.
He called me from a bar the other night. A strip club no less. Drinking. Asked me to marry him. Asked me if I still loved him. Told me I don't make good decisions in my life. I need him. blah blah blah.
I NEED him to respect my decision and move on with his life. And get his things OUT of my house so I can move on too. THAT is what I need.
He called me from a bar the other night. A strip club no less. Drinking. Asked me to marry him. Asked me if I still loved him. Told me I don't make good decisions in my life. I need him. blah blah blah.
I NEED him to respect my decision and move on with his life. And get his things OUT of my house so I can move on too. THAT is what I need.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
I have gotten off before but just cannot seem to do it this time! I'm afraid of the consequences that I know will happen if I tell him goodbye-the excessive phone calls , the stalking etc....but I know it is the right thing to do for ME! I have been trying to get on the right path again in my life by attending meetings more often and as I said why is that they always know?? We ended up arguing today which is always as we know a one way street because they do not see what they have done or said only what we have done!
Waiting for someone else to do or say something so that we can move forward, simply doesn't work.
It seems to me that he is going to be making the excessive phone calls and stalking you whether you end it officially, or simply wait for him to disappear.
Allowing someone to control our lives is a decision that we make. Not allowing someone to control our lives is also a decision we make. Taking back our own power, takes only a decision and then act on that decision for you.
I would suggest that if you do not want him excessively calling your phone or stalking you, then take the actions that will bring YOU that result.
There are authorities to call when anyone is stalking or calling excessively. Change your phone number to unlisted, and call the police if he continues to stalk you, its against the law to stalk anyone.
Take the focus off of him and what he is doing or not doing. And put the focus on the only thing that you can change.... you and your reaction. Act to take care of you, by putting into action those the very things that will get you what you say that you want..... him gone.
When we become filled with fear, its almost as if we are paralyzed, and we freeze at the thought of taking care of ourselves, and we do nothing. Allowing this kind of treatment in our lives from anyone, or this kind of behavior from anyone keeps us stuck right at the point of pain.
To get unstuck, TAKE ACTION....take the actions of taking care of you. This man has decisions to make in his own life, if he decides to continue to harrass you, then he has also made the decision to accept any and all consequences associated with his own decisions. Thats his choice.
You have decisions to make for YOU, and thats your choice.
I would suggest not allowing anyone to hold you hostage, and take the actions that will free you to live your life the way you choose to........ do it for YOU.
Take care and wishing you well,
Patsy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Hi Tinyvoice,
You do not need him to respect you, your decisions, or for him to move on with his life. When we respect ourselves, and our own decisions... whether they do or not, means that we move on with our lives, whether they choose to or not. The choices and decisions that will affect our lives are our own... not theirs.
If what you want to do is move on with your life, then do that. I would suggest letting him know in writing (keep a copy for you) that you are giving him one week to get his things out of your home, if he chooses not to, THEN YOU WILL DISPOSE OF HIS THINGS ACCORDINGLY. And then do it.
Our needs being met are not dependent upon other people meeting our needs, they are dependent upon US meeting our needs, no matter what the other person choses to do or not do.
Take care and wishing you well,
Patsy
I NEED him to respect my decision and move on with his life. And get his things OUT of my house so I can move on too. THAT is what I need.
If what you want to do is move on with your life, then do that. I would suggest letting him know in writing (keep a copy for you) that you are giving him one week to get his things out of your home, if he chooses not to, THEN YOU WILL DISPOSE OF HIS THINGS ACCORDINGLY. And then do it.
Our needs being met are not dependent upon other people meeting our needs, they are dependent upon US meeting our needs, no matter what the other person choses to do or not do.
Take care and wishing you well,
Patsy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Tartfest 2007
Posts: 831
I don't think it's a matter of them always knowing...they're addicts, it's all about them and they expect you to always make them first. Forget it, they make themselves first, you need to continue to make yourself come first.
As my A has told me, the perfect woman is a Recovering and Relapsing Codie. Recovering so that we're our own person, but relapsing just enough so their needs are met, when they want/need us...on their schedule. He shouldn't have told me this...I'm stubborn. I'll know when he needs Relapsing Codie and hopefully, he'll have a hard time finding her. I'm still a work in progress.
As my A has told me, the perfect woman is a Recovering and Relapsing Codie. Recovering so that we're our own person, but relapsing just enough so their needs are met, when they want/need us...on their schedule. He shouldn't have told me this...I'm stubborn. I'll know when he needs Relapsing Codie and hopefully, he'll have a hard time finding her. I'm still a work in progress.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 28
Rella, I am going through something similar and found the advice and encouragement very helpful - thanks everyone! BW, the following quote really struck me: "In the users case... it's the substance that is their Higher Power... and in the controllers case... the user becomes the HP." I'm going back to making God my higher power - my AH should never have displaced my higher power. Thanks for helping me realize this.
btw, can someone tell me what/who is Codie? I've seen the several time in the forum.
btw, can someone tell me what/who is Codie? I've seen the several time in the forum.
Castaway
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 783
....but I know it is the right thing to do for ME!
You know the steps that you have to take to make things right for you. What you ask for is the most basic need for safety. We all search for that in our lives. You are not wrong in wanting this for yourself. You cannot change your environment unless you take action as Patsy said. Sit down and make a plan for yourself...a step at a time. Sometimes just getting things down on paper opens your mind up for new and creative ideas to make life safer for yourself. Find positive connections with other people other than the ones who are comprising your life. Think kind thoughts about yourself and don't let others thoughts of you override your own. You are a good person.
Sandy
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Rella,
At a recent Al-Anon meeting a member made (for me) a most amazing observation - that she has great fear when she is around her A. We are all fighting fear - b/c we feel unsafe. But what is FEAR
F alse
E vidence
A ppearing
R eal
Our work is to do what we can be safe b/c when we are safe we feel serenity. One follows the other - fear follows being unsafe, and serenity follow safety. All are within my power if I keep myself in my safe space. For me that means limited contact with my A, and at times it has meant no contact. Boundaries for me have included things like knowing how to file a restraining order and advising my old AB that I would pursue one if he didn't leave me alone. Ohh how quiet my world became. The silence (no phone calls, rants, rages) just him having to be in his own head, instead to trying to get into mine.
I pray for silence for you - the sweet self imposed kind that gives you peace -
Petunia
At a recent Al-Anon meeting a member made (for me) a most amazing observation - that she has great fear when she is around her A. We are all fighting fear - b/c we feel unsafe. But what is FEAR
F alse
E vidence
A ppearing
R eal
Our work is to do what we can be safe b/c when we are safe we feel serenity. One follows the other - fear follows being unsafe, and serenity follow safety. All are within my power if I keep myself in my safe space. For me that means limited contact with my A, and at times it has meant no contact. Boundaries for me have included things like knowing how to file a restraining order and advising my old AB that I would pursue one if he didn't leave me alone. Ohh how quiet my world became. The silence (no phone calls, rants, rages) just him having to be in his own head, instead to trying to get into mine.
I pray for silence for you - the sweet self imposed kind that gives you peace -
Petunia
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Originally Posted by Petunia
But what is FEAR
F alse
E vidence
A ppearing
R eal
Petunia
F alse
E vidence
A ppearing
R eal
Petunia
I know what I need to do hence why I made plans tonight to go to a movie :spectacle with my girlfriend-then out to lunch tommorrow with another friend and Sunday I'm staying home and de-cluttering this house...taking the doggies for a nice walk in the park and taking care and time for ME! *ignores the call from the A when it comes*
Thank you all so very much you brought tears to my eyes because I know where I need to be and pointing this out to me has made me awake a bit to start or rather continue to work on ME! FOCUS ON ME ME ME ME ME (LOL that sounds so selfish! NOT! ) Have a wonderful weekend everyone and thank you so much!
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
now that would be something to wear in front of the A! LOL Brightlight! I think we all in here need a shirt like that! 
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
((Rella))
Getting those fears out helps me a lot. Talking and posting help me keep it in check and keeps me from doing self destructive and hurtful things until it passes. And it does pass. Keep talking til you feel better. You know you have our love, support, and understanding. Hugs, Magic
Getting those fears out helps me a lot. Talking and posting help me keep it in check and keeps me from doing self destructive and hurtful things until it passes. And it does pass. Keep talking til you feel better. You know you have our love, support, and understanding. Hugs, Magic
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
(((hugs Magic)))) As always Magic you are truly a gift...you say just the right thing to make one feel so much better! Thank you!
So far this weekend .....I have managed to keep distance from my A- he wanted to talk last night and I told him NO- I had plans to go to the movies with a friend- He left pancakes and coffee for this morning on my door step (Arghhhhhh) and then just called and asked tonight- I said No because I had plans with my girlfriend today and do not know when I will be back-and I need to take time for ME! I'm tired of talking a one way street with you and being degrading every step of the way! He said as they always do when they feel they are not in control anymore because your taking care of YOU. Ok take your time I will be here when you and if you need me blah blah blah I love you blah blah blah!
And the truth is I know he does not love me nor will he be there for me because he is not capable of loving himself-WOW I feel good today!
I would like to say to anyone in here today that has lost someone like I did (My best friend in Cantor Fitz) today-My prayers and blessings are with you-
And thank you again for all your support and love-this place is TRULY AMAZING! It is a great thing to have between Al-Anon meetings! Woooo Hooo *dances around*
P.S. I think I may go into the SR Store and get that "All about ME" shirt! LOL BrightLight!
So far this weekend .....I have managed to keep distance from my A- he wanted to talk last night and I told him NO- I had plans to go to the movies with a friend- He left pancakes and coffee for this morning on my door step (Arghhhhhh) and then just called and asked tonight- I said No because I had plans with my girlfriend today and do not know when I will be back-and I need to take time for ME! I'm tired of talking a one way street with you and being degrading every step of the way! He said as they always do when they feel they are not in control anymore because your taking care of YOU. Ok take your time I will be here when you and if you need me blah blah blah I love you blah blah blah!
And the truth is I know he does not love me nor will he be there for me because he is not capable of loving himself-WOW I feel good today! I would like to say to anyone in here today that has lost someone like I did (My best friend in Cantor Fitz) today-My prayers and blessings are with you-
And thank you again for all your support and love-this place is TRULY AMAZING! It is a great thing to have between Al-Anon meetings! Woooo Hooo *dances around*
P.S. I think I may go into the SR Store and get that "All about ME" shirt! LOL BrightLight!
brightlight
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Detachment
Posts: 201
LOL My husband would be so mad if I wore that shirt. LOL I was thinking last night about what they say about having to love yourself first before you can love someone else. My husband always says he does not like himself. He is changing, but slowly. He used to do something that mad me made and he finally stopped. When one of the kids would get hurt he would get mad. Instead of going out to give a hug or brush dirt off of knees if they fell, he would yell get in the house! or I told you to quit that nonsense! I just wonder what happened to him when he was little and fell down. His dad was a major alcoholic and he had three older sisters and one was in a wheelchair and died when he was around 3 or 4, and he had a younger brother. I think he was really ignored. I am trying to figure it out.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
