Reasons why I can't drink normally!!!
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 927
Reasons why I can't drink normally!!!
Why can’t I drink normally???
This is the first question I started asking myself before my recent 4 week lapse, after 7 weeks sober so I attempting to answer it properly now so next time it enters my head I have the answers ready. Apologies in advance for the length of this post but I need to "get it all out there" and hopefully someone else may identify with it and it could help them. BTW I am currently on day 5 and feeling strong, positive and sober : )))
- Because I am an alcoholic.
- I process alcohol differently to a “normal” drinker, I cannot stop at one drink.
- The first one gives me a highly excited feeling and starts an instant craving for more.
- I think the government guidelines of 14 units a week for women are ridiculous and sometimes would top that even in one night.
- I hate drinking with people as they can see how much I am drinking.
- I want to drink alone, unobserved, preferably with no one else in the room.
- I ruin every social event I go to by drinking too much and embarrassing myself or passing out.
- I regularly drink to blackout.
- I forget whole conversations, things I have done, places I have been, things I have written online.
How I feel waking up after a heavy night….
On first coming to I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster that has suddenly jolted to a halt. I am literally shaken awake. My head feels either like it’s going to explode or just feels like it’s full of mud, I cannot make connections in my thoughts beyond my arm moving towards the water bottle and tentatively taking small sips to try and aid my dry mouth. Sometimes I know I have been dreaming of chewing gum again, literally mouthfuls of gum, too much and I’m pulling, pulling, pulling it out all the time but it just keeps coming. I looked this up once and it can represent sleep apnoea, basically difficulty breathing when asleep. My cause for this dream is because I am so intoxicated that I am having trouble breathing.
Once I have come to and figured out where I am and the time, I get up as quickly as possible and take myself downstairs to check for damage. I remove empty wine bottles, if I can’t see any, I check the recycling, if they’re not there I have to begin the anxiety filled, exhausting task of searching the house to see where I have hidden them. Sometimes I find them at the back of the cereal cupboard, sometimes deep in a coat pocket, sometimes in the boot of the car, sometimes in the bedside table. If I cannot find them then my heart is racing, I am filled with worry, who will find them before me, what stupid and ridiculous place have I put them? Sometimes I find evidence of food I have eaten and have no recollection of even getting. Once operation clear up is completed I go to the toilet and face the most awful bowel movements accompanied with the most awful smells. I wash my hands and slowly look in the mirror. My hair is all over the place, my face is flushed and my eyes are bloodshot. I cannot read any emotion in my eyes. I cannot recognise anything in me. I slowly look away and get in the shower. The water runs over me but I know it cannot make me clean. The dirt is not only on the outside, the toxin and poison is on the inside and will be for a long time. I use mint shower gel, lime shower gel, something refreshing to try and disguise my own sense of disgust. I dry myself and get dressed, using nice smelling toiletries. I make a cup of tea and sit and drink it, waiting for the rest of the house to wake up. I wonder how I am going to get through the first few hours of the day when I know I am at my most foggy, in fact still under the influence.
Sometimes I drive to work, concentrating so hard on driving that I cannot even have the radio on, I am only driving 12 miles to work but I know if I had an accident and was breathalysed I would be over the limit. Once at work I pray for a quiet day, I pray no one rings me, asks me anything complicated, if anything unexpected happens during the day I am flustered, I cannot respond as quick as I should. Once lunchtime arrives I am starting to feel vaguely normal, only then do I realise how abnormal I have felt since waking. As the afternoon progresses I am either vowing not to drink until XXX or I am planning my next bottle, sometimes stopping on the way home, if my favourite wine is on special offer I will buy a box of 6 bottles, knowing full well that I am incapable of making them last longer than 5-6 days. Sometimes the craving is so great I open a bottle and take a large swig from the bottle before I drive home. Recently I have taken to pouring a bottle of wine into a water bottle, disposing of the glass wine bottle in the supermarket bin so I can hide the plastic bottle at home more easily. I pour wine into my coffee thermos flask so I am able to drink a little on the drive home.
Once home I fake normality, carefully sneaking gulps of wine in the kitchen when I think no-one is looking, until it reaches the “acceptable” drinking hour of 6pm. Then I can drink openly, at last. But of course it is not really openly as I have one bottle open on the work top and another open in the cereal cupboard. I pour alternately from each bottle so It does not look as if I am really drinking so much. When I leave the lounge to top up my glass, I fill it to the top, gulp 3 or 4 huge mouthfuls and then fill up to the brim again. Once more, disguising the huge quantities I am putting away. Usually after a couple of hours I am getting sleepy. Sometimes I will fall asleep watching TV, then wake up, see some more wine in my glass and carry on, have a “second wind”.
After several days of heavy drinking my kidneys ache, my back aches, I have a mouth ulcer in my top gum that is irritated when I drink, it enlarges and fills with pus, I pop it when I’m drunk, I also bite my nails when drunk, so short that my fingers hurt in the morning. Sometimes I wake up with bruises I cannot remember getting. Sometimes I wake up with wine spilt on my clothes, the bed, or the carpet. A few times I have woken up with sick over the bed, or the carpet next to the bed.
Sometimes my head has hurt all day long. I press a cold hand to my head, willing the pain to disappear. I walk the children to school in the morning, hungover to hell, thinking I am oozing alcohol from every pore, thinking everyone must be looking at me and know….
None of this sounds like fun, sounds normal does it?
But when I am sober and romanticising drinking I can smell a log fire on a dark night and think of a glass of red wine. I can enjoy a day with the family and think how everyone else on facebook is drinking, why can't I?
I challenge myself if I feel like drinking again to read this thread, remember the horror of the worst of my drinking and just kick that AV out of here.
This is the first question I started asking myself before my recent 4 week lapse, after 7 weeks sober so I attempting to answer it properly now so next time it enters my head I have the answers ready. Apologies in advance for the length of this post but I need to "get it all out there" and hopefully someone else may identify with it and it could help them. BTW I am currently on day 5 and feeling strong, positive and sober : )))
- Because I am an alcoholic.
- I process alcohol differently to a “normal” drinker, I cannot stop at one drink.
- The first one gives me a highly excited feeling and starts an instant craving for more.
- I think the government guidelines of 14 units a week for women are ridiculous and sometimes would top that even in one night.
- I hate drinking with people as they can see how much I am drinking.
- I want to drink alone, unobserved, preferably with no one else in the room.
- I ruin every social event I go to by drinking too much and embarrassing myself or passing out.
- I regularly drink to blackout.
- I forget whole conversations, things I have done, places I have been, things I have written online.
How I feel waking up after a heavy night….
On first coming to I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster that has suddenly jolted to a halt. I am literally shaken awake. My head feels either like it’s going to explode or just feels like it’s full of mud, I cannot make connections in my thoughts beyond my arm moving towards the water bottle and tentatively taking small sips to try and aid my dry mouth. Sometimes I know I have been dreaming of chewing gum again, literally mouthfuls of gum, too much and I’m pulling, pulling, pulling it out all the time but it just keeps coming. I looked this up once and it can represent sleep apnoea, basically difficulty breathing when asleep. My cause for this dream is because I am so intoxicated that I am having trouble breathing.
Once I have come to and figured out where I am and the time, I get up as quickly as possible and take myself downstairs to check for damage. I remove empty wine bottles, if I can’t see any, I check the recycling, if they’re not there I have to begin the anxiety filled, exhausting task of searching the house to see where I have hidden them. Sometimes I find them at the back of the cereal cupboard, sometimes deep in a coat pocket, sometimes in the boot of the car, sometimes in the bedside table. If I cannot find them then my heart is racing, I am filled with worry, who will find them before me, what stupid and ridiculous place have I put them? Sometimes I find evidence of food I have eaten and have no recollection of even getting. Once operation clear up is completed I go to the toilet and face the most awful bowel movements accompanied with the most awful smells. I wash my hands and slowly look in the mirror. My hair is all over the place, my face is flushed and my eyes are bloodshot. I cannot read any emotion in my eyes. I cannot recognise anything in me. I slowly look away and get in the shower. The water runs over me but I know it cannot make me clean. The dirt is not only on the outside, the toxin and poison is on the inside and will be for a long time. I use mint shower gel, lime shower gel, something refreshing to try and disguise my own sense of disgust. I dry myself and get dressed, using nice smelling toiletries. I make a cup of tea and sit and drink it, waiting for the rest of the house to wake up. I wonder how I am going to get through the first few hours of the day when I know I am at my most foggy, in fact still under the influence.
Sometimes I drive to work, concentrating so hard on driving that I cannot even have the radio on, I am only driving 12 miles to work but I know if I had an accident and was breathalysed I would be over the limit. Once at work I pray for a quiet day, I pray no one rings me, asks me anything complicated, if anything unexpected happens during the day I am flustered, I cannot respond as quick as I should. Once lunchtime arrives I am starting to feel vaguely normal, only then do I realise how abnormal I have felt since waking. As the afternoon progresses I am either vowing not to drink until XXX or I am planning my next bottle, sometimes stopping on the way home, if my favourite wine is on special offer I will buy a box of 6 bottles, knowing full well that I am incapable of making them last longer than 5-6 days. Sometimes the craving is so great I open a bottle and take a large swig from the bottle before I drive home. Recently I have taken to pouring a bottle of wine into a water bottle, disposing of the glass wine bottle in the supermarket bin so I can hide the plastic bottle at home more easily. I pour wine into my coffee thermos flask so I am able to drink a little on the drive home.
Once home I fake normality, carefully sneaking gulps of wine in the kitchen when I think no-one is looking, until it reaches the “acceptable” drinking hour of 6pm. Then I can drink openly, at last. But of course it is not really openly as I have one bottle open on the work top and another open in the cereal cupboard. I pour alternately from each bottle so It does not look as if I am really drinking so much. When I leave the lounge to top up my glass, I fill it to the top, gulp 3 or 4 huge mouthfuls and then fill up to the brim again. Once more, disguising the huge quantities I am putting away. Usually after a couple of hours I am getting sleepy. Sometimes I will fall asleep watching TV, then wake up, see some more wine in my glass and carry on, have a “second wind”.
After several days of heavy drinking my kidneys ache, my back aches, I have a mouth ulcer in my top gum that is irritated when I drink, it enlarges and fills with pus, I pop it when I’m drunk, I also bite my nails when drunk, so short that my fingers hurt in the morning. Sometimes I wake up with bruises I cannot remember getting. Sometimes I wake up with wine spilt on my clothes, the bed, or the carpet. A few times I have woken up with sick over the bed, or the carpet next to the bed.
Sometimes my head has hurt all day long. I press a cold hand to my head, willing the pain to disappear. I walk the children to school in the morning, hungover to hell, thinking I am oozing alcohol from every pore, thinking everyone must be looking at me and know….
None of this sounds like fun, sounds normal does it?
But when I am sober and romanticising drinking I can smell a log fire on a dark night and think of a glass of red wine. I can enjoy a day with the family and think how everyone else on facebook is drinking, why can't I?
I challenge myself if I feel like drinking again to read this thread, remember the horror of the worst of my drinking and just kick that AV out of here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK, South Coast
Posts: 605
Wow, great post, i felt like i was reading about myself!!!!i have to keep reminding myself of all the negatives & this will hopefully keep me straight. Thanks for this, as sad as it is i enjoyed ur words☺
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Great post and a good reminder.
Making myself clearly remember those hangover mornings in all their gory detail each and every time I get a craving has been helping me so far. I started to wish I was dead when I woke up like that.
Now that I realize there's no escaping that hell, it's easier to decide I don't want that 'drink' after all. It's never been just one and always ends up bad.
Great start on day 5 and thank you!
Making myself clearly remember those hangover mornings in all their gory detail each and every time I get a craving has been helping me so far. I started to wish I was dead when I woke up like that.
Now that I realize there's no escaping that hell, it's easier to decide I don't want that 'drink' after all. It's never been just one and always ends up bad.
Great start on day 5 and thank you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 108
Me too identical story I found out through reading the doctor's opinion the first chapter in the big book I had a mental obsession in a physical allergy once I drank I developed the phenomenon of craving what you described once I started I couldn't stop regardless of the consequences and if I did stop it was hard to stay stopped just being sober wasn't enough I still treated everybody like crap I need to change the way I thought acted it took me 9 years to keep thinking I could control it the insanity that I do it different this time the denial that I even had a problem because I minimized my problem I compared myself instead of indentifying with others I mainly a drug addict also an alcoholic I found the solution and Alcoholics Anonymous people there who were just like me people who have recovered and work a program of recovery not just sober but happy peaceful people who were able to guide me through the 12 steps because relapse is a process a person can relapse days weeks or months before they pick up by the way they start to act and react picking up is the last thing that happens that first drink or drug is not our problem the problem is are thinking and unless we can experience an entire psychic change there is little help the steps help a person recreate their life face and be rid of their past discover one day at a time find a power greater than themselves that they can trust and rely on and become happy peaceful loving forgiving people you're not unique and you definitely are not alone find a meeting talk with some real people look them in the eyes and if you're able to be honest with yourself like never before and are willing to do anything to get better your heavenly Father will never let you down
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,042
Very powerful post and lots I can relate to.
I too often went over the weekly limit for women in just one night. I also found I didn't even enjoy the first drink, way to anxious about where the next one was.....
I couldn't drink in company either because I had to try to pretend to be a "normal" drinker, even more anxiety about how soon I could escape and drink "properly". God help us to stay sober, it really is the only way. Love and luck to you.
xx
I too often went over the weekly limit for women in just one night. I also found I didn't even enjoy the first drink, way to anxious about where the next one was.....
I couldn't drink in company either because I had to try to pretend to be a "normal" drinker, even more anxiety about how soon I could escape and drink "properly". God help us to stay sober, it really is the only way. Love and luck to you.
xx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,472
Very detailed post and very relatable but my drink of choice was vodka. The way you described the morning shower was spot on. No matter how much you wash you never feel clean and the water almost seems to bead off your body and you just know the stench of alcohol will be there no mater what you do. I don't miss that!
11.30.14
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: California
Posts: 401
I did the plastic bottle/thermos in the car thing too. I had myself convinced I needed to "unwind" as I made my way through the brutal Silicon Valley traffic. In reality, I took the alcoholic risk of getting caught with huge ramifications of having an open container and getting a DUI etc. UGH.
Thank you for your post. You made me think back on how bad of shape I was in.
Thank you for your post. You made me think back on how bad of shape I was in.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: glasgow scotland
Posts: 1,004
Hi Foreverfuzzy .
Reasons why you can't drink normally .
You are suffering from ''Untreated Alcoholism '' Once you have the
1st drink you set up a '' physical compulsion '' followed by a '' mental obsession '' its once you get the taste of the 1st drink that your off and running , its the one at the top of the bottle that gets you drunk not the one at the bottom of the bottle .
Question is what are you going to do about it ? looks like you stopped for a while under your own steam then lifted a drink again , then go round and round on the merry go round finishing up back to where you where and usually worse . Stopping drinking is very easy , I stopped hundreds of times . Staying stopped is a lot harder especially doing it without any help .
Perhaps you need to try something different? , first you need to admit you are alcoholic and accept that you cannot drink normally or safely , and that every time you take alcohol ? alcohol takes you , alcohol is the '' great remover '' it takes away every thing from us and finishes up taking away our self respect .
Only place I know is Alcoholics Anonymous meetings where you will meet with people that know exactly how you feel and have done lots of the same things you have done and have felt exactly the same way that you are feeling right now . It is a lot easier to stay stopped with help and understanding with people that have walked in your shoes , it is far to difficult to do this on your own .
Members of AA stay sober by staying away from 1 st drink for one day at a time ,its much easier mentally accepting doing it daily than thinking about doing it for the rest of your life .
Obviously there are other places you can go , I do not have any personal experience of them . I know if you go to AA meetings and put in an effort you will be able to have a future , to live a life free from alcohol , I '' guarantee '' that. I know from personal experience as I once drank like you and felt the same as you, self loathing and disgust etc etc I am nearly 10 years free from the bondage of alcohol , if I can do it !! then so can you . you now have a'' choice'' , well done on day 5 . take care .
Regards .
Stevie
Reasons why you can't drink normally .
You are suffering from ''Untreated Alcoholism '' Once you have the
1st drink you set up a '' physical compulsion '' followed by a '' mental obsession '' its once you get the taste of the 1st drink that your off and running , its the one at the top of the bottle that gets you drunk not the one at the bottom of the bottle .
Question is what are you going to do about it ? looks like you stopped for a while under your own steam then lifted a drink again , then go round and round on the merry go round finishing up back to where you where and usually worse . Stopping drinking is very easy , I stopped hundreds of times . Staying stopped is a lot harder especially doing it without any help .
Perhaps you need to try something different? , first you need to admit you are alcoholic and accept that you cannot drink normally or safely , and that every time you take alcohol ? alcohol takes you , alcohol is the '' great remover '' it takes away every thing from us and finishes up taking away our self respect .
Only place I know is Alcoholics Anonymous meetings where you will meet with people that know exactly how you feel and have done lots of the same things you have done and have felt exactly the same way that you are feeling right now . It is a lot easier to stay stopped with help and understanding with people that have walked in your shoes , it is far to difficult to do this on your own .
Members of AA stay sober by staying away from 1 st drink for one day at a time ,its much easier mentally accepting doing it daily than thinking about doing it for the rest of your life .
Obviously there are other places you can go , I do not have any personal experience of them . I know if you go to AA meetings and put in an effort you will be able to have a future , to live a life free from alcohol , I '' guarantee '' that. I know from personal experience as I once drank like you and felt the same as you, self loathing and disgust etc etc I am nearly 10 years free from the bondage of alcohol , if I can do it !! then so can you . you now have a'' choice'' , well done on day 5 . take care .
Regards .
Stevie
I'm so glad we can face the truth together.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 319
Wow, that brings back awful memories and I can relate to everything you said. Headed to work the next morning and still over the limit. Yes, that is familiar. For better or worse, for me these memories have faded very quickly. This was a good reminder why we're on this road.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Fuzzy
I was stuck in the cycle. I am fortunate to have broken free (for now) of the desperation and anguish.............
Addiction is it's own reason. Looking for "why" , even if you found it, doesn't change the underlying dynamics of the endless death spiral
I was stuck in the cycle. I am fortunate to have broken free (for now) of the desperation and anguish.............
Addiction is it's own reason. Looking for "why" , even if you found it, doesn't change the underlying dynamics of the endless death spiral
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 927
Thanks everyone, glad it resonated with some and strengthened their resolve to keep going : )
Day 6 today, spent yesterday reading Rational Recovery and underlining in red everything that rang true.
Going to support group at lunchtime and I am meeting someone who is one year sober who I'm hoping to buddy up with.
Have printed out AA meetings and stuck in my diary, I'll get to one.
Feeling positive, strong, healthy and like I'm moving in the right direction. No desire to drink at all.
Day 6 today, spent yesterday reading Rational Recovery and underlining in red everything that rang true.
Going to support group at lunchtime and I am meeting someone who is one year sober who I'm hoping to buddy up with.
Have printed out AA meetings and stuck in my diary, I'll get to one.
Feeling positive, strong, healthy and like I'm moving in the right direction. No desire to drink at all.
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