gonzo51511

With so much to be grateful for this holiday season, i cannot seem to be. Stuck in my head, as usual. Selfish selfcentered. Nothing has gotten any better of 4 months of sobriety. Im still typically depressed, lonely, full of guilt and shame, little hope for the future. Feel completely dominated and crushed by life itself. No clue how i will make a living, ever have a relationship again, let alone any kind of happyness or contentment. I feel lost and clueless. And please spare the just go to a meeting crap, i go almost daily. Prisons, sanitariams and death is the future for "real" alcoholics like me. But death doesnt seem to be an option, nothing takes me out. All the drugs n booze ive done and no od s.. sorry to be a bummer, my patience running thin.

Dee74

Please forgive me but with the volume here it's really hard to keep everyone's backstories separate - do you see a Dr or counsellor Gonzo - sounds like you could use a little unloading and some expert advice?

D

Wastinglife

I feel the same way. Sobriety hsdnt improved improved my life much. I have had 4 job offers rescinded because I cant pass a background check. A DUI and a bankruptcy made me unhirable. How can I pay for a pardon and rebuid my credit when I cant get a job in the first place? Catch 22.

I am turning 40 next year so i m too old for entry level positions. I worked in finance before the booze took over and extensive screening is done for that industry. I msy have to do manual labour. McDonalds wont even hire me . It very depressing and I am on meds for deepression.

gonzo51511

Wow wL that sucks to hear. I have a pending dui. Im a truck driver so pretty much F****** . Im 35 yrs old. I guess back to school but i havent a clue for what. And my criminal record is far from sparkling. Im sinking.. this disease is in humane

gonzo51511

But what does a dui have to do with z job in finance?

MIRecovery

For me the fellowship and the steps of AA were the solution to the problems you are facing.

Recovery is about change. We simply have to reinvent ourselves. New friends, new activities, new beliefs.

If we don't change we are condemned to stay the same.

soberclover

Yup, I agree that sobriety doesn't mean everything gets better. In fact, sometimes it gets worse in a way because we don't have the drink to rely on to numb us out. What I've learned though with each day that I stay sober, is that my life would have continued to get much worse if I continued drinking. There is a lot of emotional crap I have to deal with that I never did before because of numbing myself out. I"m continuing to deal with it and I really think I'm starting to move beyond it. The light is not only at the end of the tunnel but that light is getting brighter. I'm not at the end yet, and not sure how this whole sober life thing will work out but I really really really believe that it will be better than the drunk life I had before.

Wastinglife

A financial institution hss very strict guidelines. A DUI in Canada is a criminal offense with a record but it s my bankruptcy/credit thats actuslly a bigget deal. I guess they would think im more likely to steal from them. I just have too many red flags. I got fired a couple times as well. I jusy kept drinking....

wpainterw

Gonzo: Try two things. If you don't want to try AA again then is there a way for you to seek out the companionship and support of other recovering alcoholics? Ask a counselor or doctor about that. Secondly, there must be people like you, alcoholics who have built up some sobriety and who are now employers, willing to give another recovering alcoholic a chance. Can you find a way of meeting them? You could use AA just for that. You don't have to accept it all. Use what you can. And survive. Isn't survival worth something? If you hang in there and survive things are likely to improve if you achieve sobriety. Maybe you might try working in a soup kitchen for other alcoholics.. Help them and maybe some of the help you give will come back and help you. Never give up. You say "Darkness" but if you hang tough on this the sky may very well brighten for you.

W.

MythOfSisyphus

Gonzo, the hole you're in was dug over the course of years, maybe decades. You're probably not going to dig out of it in a few months. Sobriety was an instant boon to me because it was really breaking me down physically. I hurt all the time, all over. But getting sober only kept me from dying- it didn't immediately teach me how to live.

Drinking does nothing positive for us, nothing at all. Sobriety is the opposite of destruction but it can't do everything for us. We still have to get up and do some work. Please don't take it as a criticism! At first I was just happy to not be dead or in the hospital. Once I felt like I'd quit dying I had to figure out how to start living. Three sober years later I'm still figuring it out , I guess. I'm not where I want to be or where I might have been had I never picked up the bottle to begin with. Maybe I'll never get there. But I'm better off than I was.

To you, Wastinglife and everyone else struggling with reinvention, I can just suggest you hang in there. I'm not religious and I don't believe in "miracles" in the supernatural sense, but I have seen time and time again that it's possible to create your own miracle when you work at it and open yourself up to the options.

gonzo51511

Thank you for your feedback. Yes i do still go to AA and i like it. Im just having a hard time staying positive i guess. I have no control over anything thats gonna happen but i know if i stay sober im giving myself the best odds for a fullfilling life. I hope

thomas11

Thinking about you gonzo, hang in there. Time heals.

Soberwolf

Gonzo wishing you a better day today like Jeff said time is a great healer

gonzo51511

Thanks guys, i just got home from a month long trip in that truck. I did not drink. Thats something to be proud of!! When my natural default is to always drink. The rest of my life may completely suck but i can take comfort an d be grateful for that at least. Got a meeting in a couple hours. Hopefully that will get my head back right, a good home cooked meeting

Dee74

good to hear Gonzo

D

Berrybean

Sorry you're having a bad time Gonzo. I know you hear it all the time at meetings, but This Will Pass. 4 months is still early in recovery. And you know - now you recognise your thoughts as selfish and self-centred, I bet you rarely follow through on them, and when you do, you will be looking to put things right quickly straight afterwards. It's progress not perfection. And in another 4 months, you will have been able to slowly put a few more things right, and (here's the best thing) you won't have added any more wreckage.

Things don't get better for all of us instantly - but stick with it and keep working on the steps and your recovery (not JUST going to meetings - I mean your own work on it outside of meetings - applying the principles to your day-to-day life) and things will start getting better. Maybe slowly - but at least they're not getting worse and worse while you hide away from the reality of all that in an alcoholic fuzzy-blanket.

Soberwolf

Good stuff Gonzo