When they're beginning to wonder about moderation
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 6
When they're beginning to wonder about moderation
My partner quit drinking 4 months ago. I've been a lurker here ever since his last and worst binge, have only posted once I think, but not talked about my own situation.
He's a binge drinker, rather than someone who needs a drink every day. I consider his lack of ability to control his intake makes him alcoholic, as much as someone who drinks every day is an alcoholic.
After that last binge event he thought about it for 48 hours and then told me he had decided he was 'never going to drink again'.
I hadn't asked him to make that decision, or even discussed it with him this time, but I think he realised I was ready to end the relationship if he didn't change.
When he said he wasn't going to drink again, I asked him what support he was going to look for, his plan etc. There wasn't one, he didn't need one, he was just going to quit.....
He told his friends that he had quit drinking, for ever, he wouldn'tdrink alcohol again, ever.
Ok so to get to the point. He's not had a drink for 4 months. He's said it's fine if I drink when I'm around him (we don't live together). I've had a the odd glass of wine here and there but have checked with him to make sure it's ok with him.
He's white knuckled it through the past 4 months and now he's gained in confidence, thinks he doesn't really have a drink problem and is now at the point where he's thinking about having a drink. He hasn't yet, but I think it's just a matter of time, probably weeks, before he tries drinking again. He has also outright denied that he ever said he was quitting permanently. He said it to me many times and he's said it to friends and family. Now, conveniently he doesn't remember saying it, says he never said it and he only stopped drinking for a while. It was never a permanent thing.
I am fairly sure he cannot drink moderately. If he could, he'd have learned how to do it years ago. Instead his binge drinking just got worse and over the years .
I know I can't control his drinking but I'm not sure how to handle this. I've known this would happen from the day he told me he was quitting. Quitting with no support, no plan.
I was ready to leave the relationship after the last time. Now I've had 4 months of him not drinking, realising what a far nicer person he is when he doesn't have a drink in his hand. Realised how much his drinking had negatively affected my own social life because he turns into such an obnoxious person when he drinks and I've been repeatedly embarassed by his behaviour and couldn't relax and enjoy an evening out because I was always waiting for him to reach that point where he became an a/hole.
Sorry for the long post. I don't know what to do. I love him and don't want to leave him, but I am sure he will try the moderation route quite soon, and I know it will not work.
He's a binge drinker, rather than someone who needs a drink every day. I consider his lack of ability to control his intake makes him alcoholic, as much as someone who drinks every day is an alcoholic.
After that last binge event he thought about it for 48 hours and then told me he had decided he was 'never going to drink again'.
I hadn't asked him to make that decision, or even discussed it with him this time, but I think he realised I was ready to end the relationship if he didn't change.
When he said he wasn't going to drink again, I asked him what support he was going to look for, his plan etc. There wasn't one, he didn't need one, he was just going to quit.....
He told his friends that he had quit drinking, for ever, he wouldn'tdrink alcohol again, ever.
Ok so to get to the point. He's not had a drink for 4 months. He's said it's fine if I drink when I'm around him (we don't live together). I've had a the odd glass of wine here and there but have checked with him to make sure it's ok with him.
He's white knuckled it through the past 4 months and now he's gained in confidence, thinks he doesn't really have a drink problem and is now at the point where he's thinking about having a drink. He hasn't yet, but I think it's just a matter of time, probably weeks, before he tries drinking again. He has also outright denied that he ever said he was quitting permanently. He said it to me many times and he's said it to friends and family. Now, conveniently he doesn't remember saying it, says he never said it and he only stopped drinking for a while. It was never a permanent thing.
I am fairly sure he cannot drink moderately. If he could, he'd have learned how to do it years ago. Instead his binge drinking just got worse and over the years .
I know I can't control his drinking but I'm not sure how to handle this. I've known this would happen from the day he told me he was quitting. Quitting with no support, no plan.
I was ready to leave the relationship after the last time. Now I've had 4 months of him not drinking, realising what a far nicer person he is when he doesn't have a drink in his hand. Realised how much his drinking had negatively affected my own social life because he turns into such an obnoxious person when he drinks and I've been repeatedly embarassed by his behaviour and couldn't relax and enjoy an evening out because I was always waiting for him to reach that point where he became an a/hole.
Sorry for the long post. I don't know what to do. I love him and don't want to leave him, but I am sure he will try the moderation route quite soon, and I know it will not work.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,411
I have just been living this scenario as the drinker.
You are quite right--no going back to moderation when you're a hard-core binge drinker.
I did OK for awhile, but got progressively worse very quickly.
4 binges this year, and it's finally sinking in I can't ever drink for any reason.
Before that, I had nearly two years of relatively solid recovery.
But the little voice in my head said "look, you can do it now"
I couldn't, and he can't either I expect.
I think you should protect yourself in the situation and perhaps let him know
your "bottom line" in terms of dealing with another binge.
He has a right to know the stakes he is facing. . .
My suggestion to him is to seek recovery by developing an active plan of abstinence.
Sorry you are dealing with this--I wish you both the best.
You are quite right--no going back to moderation when you're a hard-core binge drinker.
I did OK for awhile, but got progressively worse very quickly.
4 binges this year, and it's finally sinking in I can't ever drink for any reason.
Before that, I had nearly two years of relatively solid recovery.
But the little voice in my head said "look, you can do it now"
I couldn't, and he can't either I expect.
I think you should protect yourself in the situation and perhaps let him know
your "bottom line" in terms of dealing with another binge.
He has a right to know the stakes he is facing. . .
My suggestion to him is to seek recovery by developing an active plan of abstinence.
Sorry you are dealing with this--I wish you both the best.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
dont feel sorry for tbe long post. ya had to get it out.
im a recovering alcoholic. until i got sober tne longest i went without a drink was about 30 days. quite a few times i quit for good. many times that was a few days or a week.
one thought i recall having often- ill control it.
sometimes that worked.....for a very short time. it took a LOT of work for this alcoholic to control my drinking a d easier to say f-it.
the reasons for doing it? i hadnt admitted to myself alcohol was the common denominator in my problems- i was in denial. then i sunk deeper into alcoholism and lost the power of choice.
a d through it all, whoever stayed around me went down with me. not that they drank, but i brought gloom,dispair, and agony into their lives.
when i got sober there were times tne thought i could drink like A normal drinker. i had my past to tell me otherwise.
im a recovering alcoholic. until i got sober tne longest i went without a drink was about 30 days. quite a few times i quit for good. many times that was a few days or a week.
one thought i recall having often- ill control it.
sometimes that worked.....for a very short time. it took a LOT of work for this alcoholic to control my drinking a d easier to say f-it.
the reasons for doing it? i hadnt admitted to myself alcohol was the common denominator in my problems- i was in denial. then i sunk deeper into alcoholism and lost the power of choice.
a d through it all, whoever stayed around me went down with me. not that they drank, but i brought gloom,dispair, and agony into their lives.
when i got sober there were times tne thought i could drink like A normal drinker. i had my past to tell me otherwise.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I've been sober seven years, and I think it's absolutely normal for alcoholics to try to do it on their own in various ways (quitting for a long period of time, attempts to moderate, etc.) before they are able to accept that they cannot drink. For some people that process goes on for years and years. In my case, it took four years from the time I believed I had to "do something" about my drinking until I was ready to give it up for good.
So I think he's far from hopeless, especially if this is his first run at it. I know almost no one who went from active drinking to happy sobriety without several attempts to control it on their own.
The question really is what you are willing to tolerate. You're not going to be in a position to convince him he can't do it the way he's doing it. It really requires someone who's been through it--someone who knows what he's feeling/thinking--to get through to him. But he isn't ready to hear that right now.
Since you don't live together, things are a bit less complicated. You can wait and see how things go. I'd just strongly suggest that you avoid any plans to combine households until he's been sober for a good, long time.
So I think he's far from hopeless, especially if this is his first run at it. I know almost no one who went from active drinking to happy sobriety without several attempts to control it on their own.
The question really is what you are willing to tolerate. You're not going to be in a position to convince him he can't do it the way he's doing it. It really requires someone who's been through it--someone who knows what he's feeling/thinking--to get through to him. But he isn't ready to hear that right now.
Since you don't live together, things are a bit less complicated. You can wait and see how things go. I'd just strongly suggest that you avoid any plans to combine households until he's been sober for a good, long time.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Could I drink again? Sure! Will I ever? Nope. Like Lexie saud, I too have a past (and broken family tree littered with alcoholics) that shows me clearly that drinking is not an option for me-life is so much better sober, without the blinders on. All you can do is take care of yourself-he needs to figure it out on his own. I tried my best to educate, lecture and make my ex SEE....all waste of my time. I witnessed him trying moderation (setting his own drinking rules after bad nights) and after 24 hours he slipped right back into - F it...may as well drink. It's heartbreaking to watch.
Peace to you!
Peace to you!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I agree with all the other posts, he's going through a normal 'bargaining' process of the genuine A, which is convincing themselves that now it's under control they can drink in moderation. As we all know, it almost never works. It takes far more will-power to drink moderately than to be completely abstinent.
In your situation you should be aware that he may have a long time ahead of him before he finally gets it, if he ever does. You'll be on the roller-coaster, clinging onto hope, followed by disappointment. Only you can decide how much of this process you can take.
Maybe share with him how much you've loved having him back for the last few months of sobriety, and how you'd like that to continue. At least he'll be aware of how you feel. It might not stop him, but you've laid it out him and he can't say he didn't know.
In your situation you should be aware that he may have a long time ahead of him before he finally gets it, if he ever does. You'll be on the roller-coaster, clinging onto hope, followed by disappointment. Only you can decide how much of this process you can take.
Maybe share with him how much you've loved having him back for the last few months of sobriety, and how you'd like that to continue. At least he'll be aware of how you feel. It might not stop him, but you've laid it out him and he can't say he didn't know.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Southern California
Posts: 690
As you know from all of the insightful posts from others with the experience, it's part of the disease and there really isn't anything you can say to win the argument with him. I suggest you set your boundaries and ask him to remember how negative things got when he was drinking, and ask if he would be willing to commit to a plan or something just in case he's "not able to moderate." You might get it in writing so he remembers! Lol.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
My RAH did this. Was sober for months - and then started to think he could moderate.
He 'moderated' for a few months until he had a hugely spectacular relapse of epic proportions.
He is now sober again - and is firmly stating that he can never drink again.
I firmly believe that he had to go through this process, that this was a part of his recovery journey. Because unless he tried it, he would never know for certainty whether he could have a drink or two occasionally or not. Others telling him that THEY had learned that they could not, or others telling him that HE could not moderate went in one ear and out the other.
This was a part of his learning.
His addiction specialist told me to get out of his way when he started to 'moderate' every day
- that this relapse would happen whether I 'let it' or not, nothing would stand in its way. And that he'd go down one of two paths - his alcoholism would continue, or he'd feel so awful and decide to choose sobriety and recovery - and that the tools he had learned would still be there, and his recovery would hopefully happen faster than the first time round.
Luckily he chose sobriety and admitted himself to hospital - and has stuck the path now successfully - I hope that continues - but I have truly learned that in this disease - I matter not.
He 'moderated' for a few months until he had a hugely spectacular relapse of epic proportions.
He is now sober again - and is firmly stating that he can never drink again.
I firmly believe that he had to go through this process, that this was a part of his recovery journey. Because unless he tried it, he would never know for certainty whether he could have a drink or two occasionally or not. Others telling him that THEY had learned that they could not, or others telling him that HE could not moderate went in one ear and out the other.
This was a part of his learning.
His addiction specialist told me to get out of his way when he started to 'moderate' every day
- that this relapse would happen whether I 'let it' or not, nothing would stand in its way. And that he'd go down one of two paths - his alcoholism would continue, or he'd feel so awful and decide to choose sobriety and recovery - and that the tools he had learned would still be there, and his recovery would hopefully happen faster than the first time round.Luckily he chose sobriety and admitted himself to hospital - and has stuck the path now successfully - I hope that continues - but I have truly learned that in this disease - I matter not.
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