TheRake

So I decided to plug myself back into the Matrix and drink again Friday......with the full knowledge that I would be triggering the addiction process and falling into the abyss one more time. With the full knowledge that I wouldn't be getting any pleasure from the experience...

You see, once I take that Red pill I can never ever really go back into the Matrix and slip into the ignorance is bliss sweet state. I cannot do it as much as I may want it. I cannot slip back into social drinking. I cannot slip back into enjoying drinking alcohol....

How can I? and when was the last time I enjoyed alcohol? I cannot answer that question.

I've long ago crossed the line. I know it's delusional but yet I still chose to go back in....

It's like a I want to swim to be fit and for the exercise, but I've chosen to swim in a toxic tank. It doesn't make sense.

why did I choose to drink knowing full well what would happen? I wanted to "escape" my "problems". Did I manage to escape even for a little while?

Nope. The "problems" stayed with me like an undercurrent, just below the surface of my experience. so I didn't manage to escape after all. Fail. What did I manage? I managed to blow my money on alcohol, cigarettes and cocaine again. Did I enjoy any moment of it? Nope it's been an awful, sad, tragic weekend. we went to a club last night and they let so many people in that it was extremely uncomfortable. I couldn't move or breath. And I asked myself...why am I here? this is not my thing. these people are not for me. I'm in the wrong place.

So I drank to escape? I received a letter from a solicitor and......oh so what.....just an excuse!!!!!!!

the last time....i was lonely or something. Know I'm even tired of my own excuses. Ok I'll be less harsh and say maybe I didn't realise or recognise that I was making excuses....

Life is going to happen, the good, the bad, the indifferent.......actually none of it is neither good nor bad until I label it so. Reality is objective until I frame it with my judgements. It's time for me to just suck it up and get on with.

No more excuses.

BadSneakers

I would always tell curious folks when I was using that there isn't a single problem in your life that use won't complicate or make 100% worse. I always hoped these words would keep them from using.

Those of us who have been there can play the tape forward - as you have wisely done. Don't let this slip bring you down.

TheRake

I've been thinking....

Alcohol seems to provoke a dark side to my personality. a dark side that seems to be hidden deep. I'm starting to think it's the "unloved child" coming out to play and runamok. The unloved child will do what he wants when he wants and to hell with the circumstances..

Am I like this when sober? No. The polar opposite. I'm positive and upbeat. I'm easy going. Two extremes.

I've been thinking about things today....things I've done when drunk. Things that maybe I've told one or two people and they cannot believe me because there is no correlation between the sober me and the drunk me. for example in my early twenties I went through a phase of getting arrest after arrest. There was an "assault" in there. (it wasn't really an assault but violent behaviour) I'd get arrested and "act out" at the police.....going wild at them, resisting.....nasty crazy drunkeness. And I remember my solicitor saying to me...almost with a baffled look on his face "I look at you as part of the peace brigade how are you getting these arrests?" The peace brigade? I know what he meant...I'm normally easy going and laid back......I told a girl in the rehab centre I had a court case for assault on two cops.....her response was something along the lines of ....I cannot imagine you doing that....

what's the point of this? is it usefull? yes I think so.....I'm starting to see that it's true that alcohol is just a sympton of a deeper malaise....

the unloved child is hidden deep within the walls of my being and alcohol opens the gates of hell. The unloved child needs to be healed or at least educated. It's possibly a life time process...

the unloved child has a death wish and resonates with every junkie dead rock star because they vibrate the same deep anguish. They understand when no one else does.

time to heal the unloved child.

No excuses

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWQwx89gy-I

FreeOwl

In my experience, this is exactly what was crying out..... the unloved child has been abandoned inside by everyone - mostly by ourselves - for many years.

Takes time to heal.... and healing doesn't happen by drinking or doing blow.

I stopped making the sorts of decisions you just got done making when I finally got serious about loving that child.

I hope you're there now...... because this kind of thing will just get worse and worse.....

badger257

Therake,

That unplugged is why I picked up a guitar! I how all is well, and we get through this together. I can relate.

KiKi0615

Hi Rake,


Why don't you join the November 2015 class? There is A LOT of support there & we all look out for each other. I Hope to see you there! :-)

Anna

Like you, I had to begin healing my inner child who knew nothing of life but abuse and fear. It's a long journey, but you can do this.

Dee74

Hi TheRake

I'll never say that thinking too much is bad, but I think we can get ourselves in a situation where we assume our intellectualising is action, and it's not really.

The action part involves putting the bottle down and not picking it up again.

I also recommend joining the November thread or the Under One Year thread - get some connections going - and some discourse

No man is an island, yeah?

D

doggonecarl

I'm with Dee. Quit thinking and quit drinking.

instant

I think we all have a lot of growing to do when we stop drinking. In my experience looking at "reasons" why I kept falling back into poor choices was a distraction from facing up to the power of the addiction and it's capacity to distort "reasoning".

Trying not to make the same mistakes over and over again was harder than I thought it "should" be, but achieving longer term sobriety is possible.

Girlie928

Hey Rake - quit drinking. After that, whatever you need to know will come to you at the right time. Don't make it more complicated that it is. Be well.

bigsombrero

Wise words as usual.

Imagine standing at the top of an amazing waterslide. You notice a man at the top who has been standing there for HOURS, talking about why he can't go down. Maybe he has a fear of heights, maybe he's got issues with water because of an accident in the pool 15 years ago. He sits down, takes a deep breath...and then stands back up and starts talking for another 3 hours.

C'mon, man! We know that he'll enjoy the ride! And you will too! Jump in- and when you get to the bottom, there will be tons of people to catch you.

Once you get a little experience in sobriety, there will be plenty of time to sort out these issues. In my experience it's best to wait until you are sober to sort them out. Trust me, we will be here to listen and support you through all of that when you get there.

Berrybean

There are lots of really useful books you can investigate regarding healing the inner child - I found Penny Parks one especially helpful.

It might also be worth investigating whether there are any CoDa meetings in your area, or investing in their handbook - that helped me understand a lot of of my behaviour, and in turn, start making changes that I needed to make.

And - you're right - alcohol is no more the answer now than is was before.

Reset

Thanks for the reminder. Hope you're feeling better already.

TheRake

You hear me. I grew up in a dysfunctional home were fear and insecurity were the order of the day. There was no love. Kids that grow up without been loved are out in the world doing crazy stuff as adults.

I've probably shoved this under the carpet for too long, wanting to leave the past in the past. It will be a long process but the positive from mentioning this now is it's giving me a further, deeper reason to fully get into sobriety. It's giving me a bigger picture..

Sobriety....healing.....self love.....self esteem.....self respect.......self confidence........SELF ACTUALISATION