cricket123

Yesterday kids hit a tigger. I made plans with my dd1 who lives with her dad to see a movie Saturday night. We ended up having a snow storm so I suggested Sunday instead. With both the original plan of Saturday night and Sunday ok'd by daughter I thought we would go, until I talked to her last night. Well they are going to the aunts to hang her Christmas decorations then the grandparents are coming out to their house. So her day is planned. Well talking to dd2 I said dd1 was ditching me(an attempt to make it light and hide my hurt feelings) and I'll probably go by myself(should not of mentioned anything but live and learn)Well she started on her geeze mom... And it triggered more hurt feelings so I ended the conversation.

After that I get a text from dd1 saying she might be able to go a 4:50 if her dad doesn't have anything planned. This text did not go over good with me yet again.

I have gotten similar messages from son that he has to ask dad if he can help/do something for me.

They fall over themselves to do what ex ah wants them to do(mostly hurt me) but won't do much if anything for/with me. And I am having a hard time asking/accepting any help from the kids because he will use it as a weapon against me. Says I wanted to live alone and do it all myself then they should not help me.

Knowing ex husband well I know his main goal is to ruin me in any way he can fianancialy, emotionally and mentally. Financially failed so far but boy he can still get me emotionally and mentally. I know time will change the kids view of things but d*** this sucks. I am very disappointed in my kids.

Does anyone have any info on dealing with parental alienation for older teens? All I get is parents dealing with younger kids about 15 and younger. Any info would be appreachated.

Thanks

Cricket

SparkleKitty

Cricket, I think sometimes you expect and ask too much of your kids. You want them to choose you over your AH and punish them when they don't. You are both using your kids as weapons in this never ending war between you two.

Teenagers are terrible with plans, and equally terrible with considering other people's feelings. You are personalizing things that are very normal with anyone their age(s).

LexieCat

I agree here with SparkleKitty. I know your ex is mean and vindictive, but he isn't responsible for the snowstorm that ruined the original plans. Your kids aren't little anymore--they probably have plans with their friends, too, and may sometimes use Dad as an excuse. They are talking to you and willing to spend some time with you--teenagers don't care to hang out with parents all that much. Keep guilt-tripping them and that may end--and it will be on you, not their dad.

If you need things done around the house, ask a neighbor or friend for help, or hire a handyman to do it.

Do you have a social life apart from your kids? If not, this would be a great time to develop one. Take a class or join a meetup that does things you're interested in. Your kids are developing lives of their own, and so should you.

Mountainmanbob

It's a hard one and my daughter is well into her twenties and things have not gotten much better. I put much of the blame on her mother who has been mean towards me. Yes, they try their best to pass that meanness on to the children at times.

My mother says that, "give her time and she will come around." I guess that is about all that I can do. Sometimes I get bitter and want to shine my daughter on -- but -- as my best friend tells me, "that is not the thing to do, try to stay available on my side of the street."

MB

Hawkeye13

I think the best response is to step back from the family for awhile and focus
on developing your own independent life and interests now that you have
freedom and peace in your home.

*Forget about them for a good while and focus on you--
Funny thing is, once you do that, the kids will likely start to want attention from you, instead of the other way around

*This technique works with dating too, by the way. . .

cricket123

What I need is more info on this for older teens so I can handle this problem better.

I am doing my best not to keep putting them in the middle and still be in their lives.

After dd1 agreed to Sunday and said no problem yes I was disappointed that I was getting dumped for the ex inlaws again. Sadly this has been going on with my ex forever and the kids have learned well.

I don't want to make Christmas plans with the kids because Christmas is all about the ex inlaws and I don't want to take that tradation away from them. Also I don't want to plan something (take another day off work) and have the kids cancel because the ex planned something with his family.

So yes I want to be better informed so I can deal with this better

cricket123

Thanks hawkeye I mostly have been enjoying my piece and independence maybe giving them more time will work(?).

Hawkeye13

I think so--it's early days yet cricket--there is bound to be some adjustment time going from a full household of "give me attention" people to having so much quiet space.

You finally have time for you, but sometimes it takes awhile to get what a gift that really is. . . you're getting there so be kind and patient with yourself.

dandylion

cricket123......I do understand how much this hurts. The first experiences with an empty nest can be soul-searing.
I remember inviting my daughter to a picnic...with myself and her stepfather (she was 19) She said: "Oh Mom! You are so Strawberry Shortcake!! "Kids don't want to hang out with their parents". (I had some words to say to about family values).
I cried in the bathroom, later. I still remember that it hurt so bad. And, I had a full social life, by the way.
I also don't think that you have to stuff your feelings......especially if you aren't trying to punish them. It doesn't sound like you did. If a person canceled plans on another or says they can't make it to something that is important...then it is o.k. to say you are disappointed. That happens all the time among friends, relatives, and acquaintences......at least, it happens in my world.....lol..
Kids at this age...or, very young adults....are frequently horribly self-centered...

Your husband has a long history of being a revengeful jerk.....sigh....
And, I'll bet that the kids are not above using him as an "excuse" sometimes....

Even with your pain....I also, suggest that you just back off from all of them......way off. And, this may take some time....remember, this has not been going on for very long, in the big picture.
They probably feel that they Have to do what he says....now, that they are living with him.....and, he is very forceful. There will come a time that his drinking/his parental demands will grow thin, with them, also.

I agree with you about Christmas. He will probably do everything in his power to keep the kids away. You are smart to realize that.
Personally....if it were me.....I would buy them Christmas presents (if you normally would)......and stack them in the living room. If they come to your house (on their OWN).....o.k. If not, I would l et them set there until the cows come home.
I would not extend any more invitations.....and especially not make any more plans with them. sooner or later, things will begin to level out.
As my grandmother used to say: "Leave them alone, and they will come home,,,waggin their tails behind them".

I sure can relate to how this feels.

I think it would help heal your heart if you volunteered, this Christmas, with those who would appreciate you....like at one of the food banks, or a senior citizen home....handing out gifts and singing...or, any number of volunteer organizations in your community.....
That will make you feel good......

I am so sorry that you are hurting. Trust me...someday....the worm will turn....

dandylion

LivingLife4Me

I am in the same boat. My boys are 16 and 15 and my youngest is 11. I've been told time and again that a lot of the poor planning and inconsideration is their ages and has nothing to do with me. I try to see them as much as possible, text them every other day or so to say hello, call them a few times a week, and hope to see them soon. It is soooo hard to not take the rejection personally. It tears my heart out because I do miss the boys terribly. I am here for them and let them know that and I do know that they love me.

Sue