Lost and broken
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 37
Lost and broken
Hello,
Not sure where to start, with anything really. I have been lurking on this site but never posted.... I know I can't go on like this though but I am numb.. I guess I'll start off with a little background, I started off doing pills on the weekends which escalted to all the time, then moved on to heroin. I've lost my home, my car and a job because of this crap and probably on the same track with my new job. There's so much more I won't get into. The mental part for me in the worst I know I need to stop, I want to stop but yet my brain keeps thinking of ways to try and score. I want to do it deep down. I am at a loss. I guess that's all for now. Just feeling really down about it as I messed up big time this week and I can't keep going on this way. I've tried researching about finding a higher power and things like that but it just doesn't click I don't know how to open myself I guess.. I don't know. Thank you for reading.
Not sure where to start, with anything really. I have been lurking on this site but never posted.... I know I can't go on like this though but I am numb.. I guess I'll start off with a little background, I started off doing pills on the weekends which escalted to all the time, then moved on to heroin. I've lost my home, my car and a job because of this crap and probably on the same track with my new job. There's so much more I won't get into. The mental part for me in the worst I know I need to stop, I want to stop but yet my brain keeps thinking of ways to try and score. I want to do it deep down. I am at a loss. I guess that's all for now. Just feeling really down about it as I messed up big time this week and I can't keep going on this way. I've tried researching about finding a higher power and things like that but it just doesn't click I don't know how to open myself I guess.. I don't know. Thank you for reading.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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Hi and Welcome!
I hope you decide to stop using the drugs and to live a sober life. The voice telling you to find ways to try and score is simply that. It's the voice of your addiction and you can learn to not listen to it, to let it go. If you are motivated, you can do this!
I hope you decide to stop using the drugs and to live a sober life. The voice telling you to find ways to try and score is simply that. It's the voice of your addiction and you can learn to not listen to it, to let it go. If you are motivated, you can do this!
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 506
Hi sorrysoul and welcome! I can relate to a lot of what you said. I progressed from pills to heroin as well. I have a bit of a graphic story for you, but I hope that you find hope in it:
A little over 3 years ago, I was put on suboxone to stop doing heroin. After a year of suboxone, I decided one day to quit cold turkey. For 2 weeks, I couldn't sleep more than a couple hours at a time every couple of days- I had restless leg bad, profuse sweating, and really disturbing dreams when I could sleep. I couldn't keep any food down or in so I was really weak and literally crawling more than I was walking. I hadn't showered in awhile, and I didn't have the energy to brush my hair so I would take the scissors and cut chunks out of my hair when it became too tangled. My mom came over one day to find me in the closet- I was dirty and smelly, wearing soiled clothes and talking nonsense about "please don't let the men in white coats come get me." She drug me out of the closet and cried over me as I lied on the floor because I didn't have the energy to stand. In that condition, if i was the family pet, I think they would have put me down. I was only 29, and I thought my useful life was spent. My parents thought I was going to die. And a friend of mine thought I was too far gone to return to sanity. The people that loved me didn't know if they were ever going to get me back. Even after all that, I didn't stay sober for long. It is a hard thing to kick. After a few more attempts though, I finally quit for good. I am 19 months off of pills and heroin, and 13 months off of subutex. Today I am 2 months sober from alcohol. I have returned to the land of the living, and I love it!! There is hope for you. You really can get your life back : )
A little over 3 years ago, I was put on suboxone to stop doing heroin. After a year of suboxone, I decided one day to quit cold turkey. For 2 weeks, I couldn't sleep more than a couple hours at a time every couple of days- I had restless leg bad, profuse sweating, and really disturbing dreams when I could sleep. I couldn't keep any food down or in so I was really weak and literally crawling more than I was walking. I hadn't showered in awhile, and I didn't have the energy to brush my hair so I would take the scissors and cut chunks out of my hair when it became too tangled. My mom came over one day to find me in the closet- I was dirty and smelly, wearing soiled clothes and talking nonsense about "please don't let the men in white coats come get me." She drug me out of the closet and cried over me as I lied on the floor because I didn't have the energy to stand. In that condition, if i was the family pet, I think they would have put me down. I was only 29, and I thought my useful life was spent. My parents thought I was going to die. And a friend of mine thought I was too far gone to return to sanity. The people that loved me didn't know if they were ever going to get me back. Even after all that, I didn't stay sober for long. It is a hard thing to kick. After a few more attempts though, I finally quit for good. I am 19 months off of pills and heroin, and 13 months off of subutex. Today I am 2 months sober from alcohol. I have returned to the land of the living, and I love it!! There is hope for you. You really can get your life back : )
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5,250
Originally Posted by grizzlybearblue 
Hi sorrysoul and welcome! I can relate to a lot of what you said. I progressed from pills to heroin as well. I have a bit of a graphic story for you, but I hope that you find hope in it: A little over 3 years ago, I was put on suboxone to stop doing heroin. After a year of suboxone, I decided one day to quit cold turkey. For 2 weeks, I couldn't sleep more than a couple hours at a time every couple of days- I had restless leg bad, profuse sweating, and really disturbing dreams when I could sleep. I couldn't keep any food down or in so I was really weak and literally crawling more than I was walking. I hadn't showered in awhile, and I didn't have the energy to brush my hair so I would take the scissors and cut chunks out of my hair when it became too tangled. My mom came over one day to find me in the closet- I was dirty and smelly, wearing soiled clothes and talking nonsense about "please don't let the men in white coats come get me." She drug me out of the closet and cried over me as I lied on the floor because I didn't have the energy to stand. In that condition, if i was the family pet, I think they would have put me down. I was only 29, and I thought my useful life was spent. My parents thought I was going to die. And a friend of mine thought I was too far gone to return to sanity. The people that loved me didn't know if they were ever going to get me back. Even after all that, I didn't stay sober for long. It is a hard thing to kick. After a few more attempts though, I finally quit for good. I am 19 months off of pills and heroin, and 13 months off of subutex. Today I am 2 months sober from alcohol. I have returned to the land of the living, and I love it!! There is hope for you. You really can get your life back : )
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 37
Thank you all so much for your responses, and thank you for your story grizzly it does give me hope 
Regretfully hours after posting I messed up again. And again today. Sometimes I feel like I am hopeless and doomed to live this miserable existence forever. I want to be free of all the control it has over my every waking moment. Sometimes it even haunts me in my dreams.
I need help. A friend told me I should talk to my doctor, as I have been thinking about buying suboxone off the streets to help. My excuse was "well what if I really need pain pills legitimately someday?" Is that just the addicted part of me thinking? I don't know. All I know is I need help, trying on my own gets me nowhere. I feel like I'm consumed with thoughts about drugs and how can I get money today? Who should I steal from? I am a horrible person when I think about it. Sorry just rambling. I do appreciate you all thank you !
Regretfully hours after posting I messed up again. And again today. Sometimes I feel like I am hopeless and doomed to live this miserable existence forever. I want to be free of all the control it has over my every waking moment. Sometimes it even haunts me in my dreams.
I need help. A friend told me I should talk to my doctor, as I have been thinking about buying suboxone off the streets to help. My excuse was "well what if I really need pain pills legitimately someday?" Is that just the addicted part of me thinking? I don't know. All I know is I need help, trying on my own gets me nowhere. I feel like I'm consumed with thoughts about drugs and how can I get money today? Who should I steal from? I am a horrible person when I think about it. Sorry just rambling. I do appreciate you all thank you !
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 37
What kind of treatment?
I am horrified of going to my doctor and admitting this..
Have thought about NA.. I know someone that was running a group considering reaching out to her as I am in that area where it's held now. If it's still being held that is.
I have considered maybe a psychiatrist but insurance usually keeps me away from making appointments and reaching out. And probably the addict voice.
I am horrified of going to my doctor and admitting this..
Have thought about NA.. I know someone that was running a group considering reaching out to her as I am in that area where it's held now. If it's still being held that is.
I have considered maybe a psychiatrist but insurance usually keeps me away from making appointments and reaching out. And probably the addict voice.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Athens, GA
Posts: 737
Try to consider talking honestly to your doctor. He's there to help you get well. It will be a huge relief to get it out and ask for help. This is really happening to you. Tell someone who can help you and break the chains of denial. You can do it!
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5,250
Originally Posted by sorrysoul
What kind of treatment? I am horrified of going to my doctor and admitting this.. Have thought about NA.. I know someone that was running a group considering reaching out to her as I am in that area where it's held now. If it's still being held that is. I have considered maybe a psychiatrist but insurance usually keeps me away from making appointments and reaching out. And probably the addict voice.
I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers. Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 506
There is hope for you! But things have to change for anything to be different if that makes sense. I do think you should talk to your doctor. I finally broke down and talked to a doctor who was also in recovery, and that's when I started stopping. I think asking your friend about her meeting is a great idea. There are a lot of resources out there to help you quit if you are willing to accept the help. I thought "all these people in recovery are just trying to sell me some bull s**t" but I was wrong. They really did want to help. And it was not the kind of "help" from my dealers who would sell me suboxone just to sell me anything knowing I'd be back for something different next time. Check out NA meetings, check out government grants, any avenue to get you headed in the right direction. You can do this!! I'm glad you're here : )
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 37
Thank you all, again. Everything your saying makes sense. It's pretty late where I am now but I am going to reach out to my old friend now.
I do need a new doctor as mine left the practice maybe I should find one that specializes in this kind of thing.. I'm not sure if PCP's do though.
Grizzly - What do you mean by government grants? I've never heard of such a thing in this case... Maybe I am misunderstanding..
Kiki - I don't think I could do an inpatient treatment program as I have a full time job (for now) and a young child to care for. Another innocent person being hurt by my actions.
You'd think her sweet face would be enough to stop but it's just not. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about her and all the pain I've probably caused her. Not to mention countless others. My family is not very supportive they'd rather put me down over it. Because I don't feel bad enough about myself already.
Thank you all again for your help and support, something I'm not used to getting, so it does mean a lot.
Tomorrow (or today now at this hour) will be another Day 1 for me. I am really going to try and make it thru again and again. One day at a time, right?
My mind is my biggest enemy in this struggle. Does anyone have any advice on what to do or how to help silence it?
I do need a new doctor as mine left the practice maybe I should find one that specializes in this kind of thing.. I'm not sure if PCP's do though.
Grizzly - What do you mean by government grants? I've never heard of such a thing in this case... Maybe I am misunderstanding..
Kiki - I don't think I could do an inpatient treatment program as I have a full time job (for now) and a young child to care for. Another innocent person being hurt by my actions.
You'd think her sweet face would be enough to stop but it's just not. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about her and all the pain I've probably caused her. Not to mention countless others. My family is not very supportive they'd rather put me down over it. Because I don't feel bad enough about myself already.
Thank you all again for your help and support, something I'm not used to getting, so it does mean a lot.
Tomorrow (or today now at this hour) will be another Day 1 for me. I am really going to try and make it thru again and again. One day at a time, right?
My mind is my biggest enemy in this struggle. Does anyone have any advice on what to do or how to help silence it?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 37
Thank you
Just sent my old friend a message, she's married and pregnant! I am shocked sorry this is totally unrelated haha.
I just had another thought.. What if I reach out to my doctor for help and they do nothing? Is this another excuse or something I should really fear?
Thanks again
Just sent my old friend a message, she's married and pregnant! I am shocked sorry this is totally unrelated haha.
I just had another thought.. What if I reach out to my doctor for help and they do nothing? Is this another excuse or something I should really fear?
Thanks again
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
Hey there,
I am sorry you are in such pain, both physically and mentally. I agree with everyone else that support is vital. Right now, you need help and direction. Your AV is trapping you in your own head. There IS help out there. Talk with your Dr., make a plan and take a first step. Once you commit, even with a baby step, you will be on your way and certainly better off than you are now. Do it for your daughter, if that's a powerful motivation for you.
I am sorry you are in such pain, both physically and mentally. I agree with everyone else that support is vital. Right now, you need help and direction. Your AV is trapping you in your own head. There IS help out there. Talk with your Dr., make a plan and take a first step. Once you commit, even with a baby step, you will be on your way and certainly better off than you are now. Do it for your daughter, if that's a powerful motivation for you.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Find a general Doctor first and they can refer you to one who specializes in addiction. If you live in the States, does your work have Family Medical Leave (FMLA)? You may be able to use this for inpatient treatment. Can someone take care of your daughter while you take care of yourself? In time, your work and daughter will suffer if your addiction continues. It is much better to get clean NOW to become a better employee and a wonderful sober father, than to wait because you don't want to leave your work and daughter temporarily. Best wishes to you! You can do this!
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by HideorSeek
Hey there,
I am sorry you are in such pain, both physically and mentally. I agree with everyone else that support is vital. Right now, you need help and direction. Your AV is trapping you in your own head. There IS help out there. Talk with your Dr., make a plan and take a first step. Once you commit, even with a baby step, you will be on your way and certainly better off than you are now. Do it for your daughter, if that's a powerful motivation for you.
I am sorry you are in such pain, both physically and mentally. I agree with everyone else that support is vital. Right now, you need help and direction. Your AV is trapping you in your own head. There IS help out there. Talk with your Dr., make a plan and take a first step. Once you commit, even with a baby step, you will be on your way and certainly better off than you are now. Do it for your daughter, if that's a powerful motivation for you.
the metaphorical winter of our heart/mind/soul
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