zombob

Hello all. I've been lurking here for awhile and am on the other side daily. I'm an A married to an A. I'm sober some 26 days this time. AH is none too happy about that and I've been through this way more than I'd like to admit. I was gonna give a big back-story but don't really want my business all out there and am a little afraid she will join this site and read my posts and retaliate as we don't even have a custody order yet for our 5 yr. old. I have a temp Order of Protection against her as of the 18th for dom. violence. Court is the 25th and legal svcs has not contacted me yet (they're booked solid so-to-speak). I've been journaling for only 1 week and had some video but my phone disappeared in the last melee. Really my word against hers. I have our daughter as I stood between them on sunday when she was trying to take her away drunk after being gone all day with the 3 kids drinking, driving and spending all the bill money. I have a few pics of beer cans in the car and bank statements--not much else. I've been stay-at-home parent for 6 yrs to her 2 D's from previous encounters and our own. T'was a mutually agreed upon arrangement till recently. Now I'm a lowlife bum sponging. (I do all dr. visits, school functions, shopping, cleaning, homework, meals, bill paying when she comes off the moneyShe controls money and berates me constantly in front of the kids and even lying in bed at night with daughter. The O.P. was granted just on the events that took place sunday (she hit, pushed, spit, cussed) while she was packing hers and girls' things ...all the time threatening to lie to have me put back in prison (I did almost 3 yrs for defending myself physically back in '10---won't do that ever again). The other D's were cussing too and bumping into me in the hall and saying "quit pushing me". It was bizarre and obviously discussed at length for the 7 hrs she was gone 'shopping' with D's . I managed to keep 5 yr old here but Did call and file a DV report. She gave one too at her Mom's. I've been no angel but will do everything in my power to prevent her from taking road trips with the kids and drinking (her favorite pastime-and moreso since I've been video-ing her--she gets home from work later and will only bring one home--32oz). I have some faith in the legal system and just telling the facts but given my record I don't really expect to get much on wednesday. Sooo, what next after the order of protection?

Post Script: TBH, prison was much calmer than being with her but she drank the whole time I was in (we had been sober over a yr prior) causing me constant worry. She also got a DUI with kids in car while I while I was in. Lots of other very personal stuff but I'm not even wanting to post this---- am at wit's end.

LexieCat

Congrats on your 26 days, but some of what you've written isn't computing. I was a prosecutor for 22 years, nine of them devoted solely to DV prosecutions. Even if you were defending yourself, her injuries had to be pretty severe for you to get prison time for a first offense. And you're correct that with the history, she's more likely to get a protective order than you are.

It doesn't appear to be in your best interest to stay with her. You're not going to be able to protect your daughter if you are locked up. You can contact child protective services if you feel she poses a danger to your daughter. I think a judge would have a hard time awarding you unsupervised custody/visitation given your own recent drinking history.

If you put the interests of your child first, that's about the best you can do. Are you involved in AA? Or getting any other outside help/support for your alcoholism? That's something else you can do for yourself and your child so you are in a position to be a responsible parent.

I'd also suggest hitting the streets and finding a job. You might be able to get temporary support if you file for divorce or legal separation, but sooner or later you will have to be financially responsible for yourself. Unless, of course, you continue to stay in this toxic (for everyone) environment. I have a bad feeling about the outcome if you do.

zombob

Toxic is right! Was more looking for responses from other double-winners out there but I'm going to keep moving forward on what I know is right. Being abused and watching the kids get it too will be no more. Love this forum as it has given me the impetus to stand up and do what's right for them...and myself. Fixing her is no longer my vocation.

honeypig

And Lexie is indeed a double winner, plus a wealth of firsthand knowledge about DV issues. Her post is gold.

Keep on working it, Zombob--I wish you a strong recovery.

zombob

Hey, I appreciate any and all input. Yes, I indeed need to continue in my own recovery. Most of mine is right here but have a sponsor and am in touch with him often. Like the old saying goes--A's are sick indeed but those who marry them... I qualify. Not gonna dwell on the victimization but more My part. T'was Me who put me here. I just need help navigating as the seas are rough right now.

FeelingGreat

Hi zombie, keep documenting, and try to protect your youngest. You have to play it every straight from here on, and it will be in your favour if you put a lot of effort into staying sober. The drink driving with the kids is a serious problem with catastrophic potential. If you feel it would be productive, maybe you could have a word with the local police and ask their advice on how to handle in a constructive way. You don't want to go back to jail and leave your youngest unprotected.

zombob

I will not be going to jail. I am not a loose cannon at all. Social services is investigating, I have an order (her actions make that easy as all I needed to do was tell the truth...it's That bizzare). Watching her has made me wonder why I ever gave in and drank with her. I also have quite a bit of documentation. Most of my advisors say this will be a slam dunk on wednesday. Just a little empty feeling from switching from caretaker of all to just myself and daughter. 'Tis very peaceful 'round here and we have made her birthday a week-long event. The only downs have been the emotional blackmail phonecalls from siblings and wife to daughter

schnappi99

Living with the empty feeling instead of going for the emotional fix from my wife was a change for me. Relationships were always my fix since I was a teen, accepting that I <can> live with feelings and they come and go was kind of a revelation. It seems pretty silly for a 48yr old to write that, but I was that blind to what my emotions were doing to/with me.

But I also found that just accepting the emptiness (that comes and goes), and the desire (that comes and goes), also leaves me a lot more accepting of life in general- less resentment, less judgement etc, and thats a lot nicer than living in a state of more or less continuous outrage. It really helped my relationship with my daughter, I had been turning into a horrible impatient nag. I can totally see how kids get pushed into the Adult Child of Alcoholic syndromes when both parents are wrapped around the axle.

zombob

She was actually very lucky as the police were posted right up the road when she was pn her way home from work on wed. She got suspicipus while talking to D and asked what we did that day. At only 5 she could not really describe the courthouse playroom but said something that spooked her (she was audibly buzzed) and drove to her mother's instead. I gave them her address and she was served there. Had she pulled in our driveway with a beer between her legs it could have been worse. Her ranting was well noticed by the officer who escorted the kids down to get their and her things. Her Mother was hollering expletives in my driveway also. I am sad for them truly but glad D has been spared 3.5 days of the onsanity.

zombob

Thanks for all the replies. I found a site that answers most of my legal questions on where to go from here. As for the emptiness of finally getting the elephant off my foot so-to-speak several of y'all spoke to that--thanks, it does help to identify with others. I'm sure I have a long way to go and new interaction skills to hone. Thanks again for this forum. It helped me to Do instead of jumping right back in.

zombob

Tracked down wife's ex yesterday and called him on the hunch that he might have had some similar experiences and possibly a 911 call or two that would help my case. He was reluctant to talk at first but after I shared a bit he warmed up and we had a few laughs (you know--those laughs like barely getting struck by lightning and such). They were only together 8mo. and he said he ran...(healthy response) . I asked if he would be willing to just give one statement of the day he was picking up his stuff with a police escort and she punched him in the ribs out of sight of the escorting cop (something she bragged about to me early on). He laughed and said "let me think about it--I have a good life now and really don't want her to know where I live" (again, healthy response). I said I understand and he has never called back. I assured him I would lose his number and erase the phone and have. Made me think a lot about what I would have to do if I win on wednesday......

zombob

Well..... I got slicked in court today. Was all ready to present my case with enough documentation to at least get a continuance of the order and ... Bam! Wife's lawyer asks for a continuance set in late dec. I'm thinkin' Ok, I still have D, but no custody or visitation order. I'm thinking "Could be rough going but I have some resources." Then my wife leaves the courthouse....quickly. About 10 min later it dawns on me that she is headed to her brother's (he was who I chose to watch D today and assured me he would not put my daughter in his sister's hands bc he's known her longer than I.....). Long story short I lost my D---she got there first and BIL was saying the whole time " I would have never guessed ....> (coming from someone who admitted that, at 6'4 and 240 had a hard time pulling his sister off his wife some 10 yrs ago before she beat her senseless bc wife didn't like something SIL said (and yes, AW was drunk)..... The rivers run deep in these parts. I'm sad mostly. Sad that I spent so long not-believing that people are this effed-up and sadder still that I turned a blind eye to all that was right in front of my face and I could not see....I still have the dog. She's a beautiful aussie shepherd and I will care for her well.... just like I always do.

LexieCat

You have a temporary order that simply "forgot" to give you custody of your child? What about her order, does hers have a provision regarding custody?

That's a standard provision.

zombob

I did ask for custody in my temp order. It was not granted. Today's hearing was supposed to address that very issue but was skirted by her atty's request for a continuance. I did not know I could approach the bench also but the hollidays are Imminent. Are you familiar with MO law at all Lexie? Not being a D but your comments are a bit....frosty? Take it to PM and I have more than time to explain the particulars. I do want some feedback.

LexieCat

No, I don't practice in Missouri, and I'm not in a position to give anyone legal advice. I am, however, familiar with common DV practices throughout the country. I can read in your statute that TROs can provide for temporary custody "where appropriate," and when there is a child's welfare at stake in a circumstance where the court has seen fit to grant a TRO, it's hard to imagine how that kind of relief would not be "appropriate." Not to say courts never screw up; they do.

As I said, this isn't computing with my experience.

Have you informed CPS she's driving drunk with the kids?

zombob

Yes, did that on the 16th. Sad part is, social services, probation and local police do /are Not communicating here. I have genuine reports to all agencies that Could help..... but little action. Kids were taken by SS back in '14 and given temp custody to Grandma who enables most---allowed visitation nightly for the crying (I'm so sorry spiel). No offense, but I'm ok with the whole"not computing" thing...this is waay outside my experience also.

zombob

The judge presiding was the same judge who sentenced her for her DUI last yr (w/2 misdemeanor child endagerments for having then 3yr old and 12 yr old in car). She had put 12 yr old out of car (told her to walk) bc she complained/argued about the incessant driving while wife was drunk (a hobby if you will). Older D walked to a house and police were called. T'was also the same judge that presided over a possible probation revocation hearing stemming from her showing up to the jail tipsy to do her mandatory 4 days (spread out over 2 weekends of AW's choosing). At the point in our hearing yesterday when her lawyer asked for continuance and judge granted it , Judge looked at me and said I was free to go. I was talking to my legal adviser from the DV agency when he piped up again and said "Mr.------, please leave now unless you wish to stay for the whole docket due to interest in another case." We shuffled out (myself, sponsor, and 2 very helpful ladies from the local DV agency). We all watched from the upstairs veranda AW and lawyer hurrying out of the building..... In hindsight I believe judge was trying to give me the heads-up but my shock from the preceding events had me stuck. We left and my sponsor had to shop for the holidays as his son was coming to town. Sitting in the parking lot of the grocery store is when I had the Eureka! moment and knew I was too late. Called BIL to have him meet us halfway and he was reluctant as to not have himself implicated... That 15 minutes waiting was the longest in my life. We did head that way but turned around when BIL called to say " you were right, she's here". I very much wanted a custody ruling w/supervised visitation as I am not in this for the vengeance but for what is right for everyone. I'm not-so-experienced at these things and it showed yesterday. I was out-maneuvered. I did not think to even keep D's whereabouts undercover as she was genuinely excited to be spending the day with her cousins and said as much to her sisters on the phone for 2 days prior. I thought I was protecting her by not involving her in the particulars of the whole legal process or ever talking about her Mom but...I could have handled it differently. We are always together and was truly at a loss as to who to leave her with for this day in court.... BIL needed some work done on his roof so I offered my expertise in exchange for childcare (I.E.: I spent a day fixing his roof). I can't help but feeling I got shorted a bit bc our handshake deal was "I put her in your hands and you put her back in mine." He agreed. Anyhoo, here I sit. AW will stay sober for a bit bc her mom won't tolerate the bs in her home. I expect the utilities to be off soon (she told her brother she would do such...right after saying she would call police if he would not give up D). Truth is, I was prepared for this as I know my AW better than she knows herself but my co-dep "AV" sez " She's still human inside somewhere and it will come forth any day now......." I'm not waiting but I'm kinda tired. I couldn't make this stuff up. I'm really tired and just woke up.