Had an emotional day
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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Had an emotional day
For some reason a flood of memories came over me today-crying while driving home from work. Do you know how low he made me feel? Do you know what it's like to be told "I wish you loved me like my mom does", do you know what it's like to feel so scared that you are a deer in the headlights and not be able to talk to anyone for years bc you knew they wouldn't believe you, what it's like to be crying on the ground after getting bitched out and have your husband come kick you with his foot and mutter-"oh god, please, get up....that's pathetic", so you know what it's like to look into the eyes of what used to be your best friend and see a monster, what it's like to degrade yourself sexually so maybe he's happy, to act like a crazy person so he'd see what he was doing to me, to tell your husband how he almost hurt his child/cussed me out in front of her and have a blank stare looking at you, do you know what it's like to be told multiple times that his life would be easier if I was dead, to hear "it's not my job to take care of you and the kids and to wipe your ass", to tell me his mother abd sister are the most beautiful women to him and that I need to accept their treatment of me, to be treated like a doormat, to have great times and be so anxious bc you know without a doubt the next drunk bad time is coming, to see your daughter cry and hide bc dad's drunk and angry again, to be told that your ugly and nothjng without your dad's money-that you're never going to amount to anything, to find out the covert vindictuvebess of his family during our divirce all the while wanting to scream-I'm telling the truth!!! You have no idea how he acts at home when he's drunk!!!, to feel so low that you lash out at the person just to make yourself feel better, to not trust yourself to make simple decisions, to question your worth as a human, to be too scared to tell him no or upset him, to be stalked, slandered, threatened, to end up with no self esteem after accepting so much abuse...I do.
I also know how it feels to know everything above has nothing to do with me-and is a reflection of how he feels about hinself. Total insecurity and abuser tearing down the one person he claimed made him better.
For some reason it just hit me today. All of it. God has a purpose, I jnow, and these things still need a lot of healing. I truly don't think he cares about any of this. Truly. It doesbt matter-if it did, he would have tried to get help but he doesn't think he's done anything wrong. I'm glad to feel these things - I don't want to stuff them. Damn it hurts-it hurt then and it still hurts. Truth be told if I knew now and was a healthy complete person I would have never married him. That's the truth. The other truth is I know Jesus Christ stands with me agaibst evil-and has protected me and gave me the wisdom and grace to get the hell out. To not ever allow myself to get into another situation like that. But it does still hurt and bubble up and I think the person I'm most angry at is me-because I chose him as my partner and father to my kids and not being healthy and walking away many many years ago. It hurts. Don't know how to let it go-to just let it all go. I need to let it go.
Thanks for listening. Hard day.
I also know how it feels to know everything above has nothing to do with me-and is a reflection of how he feels about hinself. Total insecurity and abuser tearing down the one person he claimed made him better.
For some reason it just hit me today. All of it. God has a purpose, I jnow, and these things still need a lot of healing. I truly don't think he cares about any of this. Truly. It doesbt matter-if it did, he would have tried to get help but he doesn't think he's done anything wrong. I'm glad to feel these things - I don't want to stuff them. Damn it hurts-it hurt then and it still hurts. Truth be told if I knew now and was a healthy complete person I would have never married him. That's the truth. The other truth is I know Jesus Christ stands with me agaibst evil-and has protected me and gave me the wisdom and grace to get the hell out. To not ever allow myself to get into another situation like that. But it does still hurt and bubble up and I think the person I'm most angry at is me-because I chose him as my partner and father to my kids and not being healthy and walking away many many years ago. It hurts. Don't know how to let it go-to just let it all go. I need to let it go.
Thanks for listening. Hard day.
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Oh honey, please don't be angry with yourself.
You were caught inside a tornado. Everything around you was spinning out of control. The man you loved turned on you. How on earth is anyone suppose to prepare for that?
You were caught inside a tornado. Everything around you was spinning out of control. The man you loved turned on you. How on earth is anyone suppose to prepare for that?
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 34
HUGE hugs to you and yes I completely understand the line that about being angry with yourself because you chose him, and you NEVER would have chose him if you were a healthy person. These guys taught us a huge life lesson, one we would never ever repeat again. One we can teach our own kids and hopefully they can gain from the insight we now have. Your brightest days are now ahead of you, believe that. You are stronger than ever, you KNOW the immense value you are as a person, and you will never allow that kind of evil in your life. The chapters of the rest of your life are unwritten and waiting for you...
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
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Originally Posted by Forourgirls 
Do you know how low he made me feel?
do you know what it's like to look into the eyes of what used to be your best friend and see a monster
what it's like to degrade yourself sexually so maybe he's happy
to act like a crazy person so he'd see what he was doing to me
to tell your husband how he almost hurt his child/cussed me out in front of her and have a blank stare looking at you
to be treated like a doormat
to have great times and be so anxious bc you know without a doubt the next drunk bad time is coming
to see your daughter cry and hide bc dad's drunk and angry again
to find out the covert vindictiveness of his family during our divorce all the while wanting to scream
You have no idea how he acts at home when he's drunk!!!
to feel so low that you lash out at the person just to make yourself feel better
to not trust yourself to make simple decisions
to question your worth as a human
to be too scared to tell him no or upset him
to end up with no self esteem after accepting so much abuse
But it does still hurt and bubble up and I think the person I'm most angry at is me-because I chose him as my partner and father to my kids and not being healthy and walking away many many years ago. It hurts. Don't know how to let it go-to just let it all go. I need to let it go.
Time will sort things out if you tell yourself that it is perfectly okay to feel whatever you're experiencing at any given moment. If you get sad, allow yourself the right to be sad and it will pass in time. Part of healing is learning to forgive yourself.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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I forgive him easier than forgiving myself. Sad but true. Yes-I know we all have faced these same things. It just hit me today bc I DO value myself enough to never be treated like that again....and I stopped drinking and did the hard work on me to never treat him like I did when I was out of control...a crazy person inside a tornado. My day just ended with listening to my 6 year old read the Bible to my toddler....God answers and all is good at this time.
Feeling my was through all the muck-and just allowing it. It is quite scary at times how much pain and emotion comes up...truthfully. It was scarring on the deepest intimate level. I'm just thankful I'm not him...I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I do hope he finds his way out of the mess he's created.
Feeling my was through all the muck-and just allowing it. It is quite scary at times how much pain and emotion comes up...truthfully. It was scarring on the deepest intimate level. I'm just thankful I'm not him...I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I do hope he finds his way out of the mess he's created.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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Sorry guys-I feel like I'm throwing myself a pity party and I totally don't want to do that. I know y'all know how this feels-how gut wrenching hurtful and scary it truly is. Jesus has brought me through everything-wounded but still very much alive and full of hope, truth and a mothers will that nobody can stop. But still-big girls gotta cry too sometimes! 
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
I can only offer you hugs. But please be gentle to yourself. It is not your fault. What you describe is pure abuse. No one deserves that. NO ONE. That is what abuse does to a person. You lose self-esteem. That is the purpose of abuse. To shatter your self-esteem so he gets more powerful.
But you know, it is over now. You meet good people in life. You meet bad people in life. You learn. You survive. You move on.
But you know, it is over now. You meet good people in life. You meet bad people in life. You learn. You survive. You move on.
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He's just a scared little boy lashing out bc if a serious inferiority complex. One I never understood bc I thought he was pretty spectacular-I never once thought I was better than him. I thought of him as my equal, my partner. Toward the end he even admitted some things he screamed at me about were about his mom-not me! Talk about issues!!! My biggest fear was that he would turn into his dad....and I shared that with his mother multiple times-and she agreed it too was her biggest fear...that fear is why I chose to terminate two pregnancies with him. Fear controlled me. But I was too scared to tell him-and when I finally did tell him he just got worse and promised he would never be his dad-which is exactly what he turned into! It's almost like his dad was reincarnated after he died. It was surreal. My second biggest fear was that I would turn into his mother or my mother just continuing to suffer in silence and not doing a damn thing about it. I always told him I would never let my kids go through what we did-and although I was a little late in that regard, I got them out at 5 and 1. For that, I'm damn proud of myself. I know my worth, God tells me. My girls will grow up to know their worth and use their voice. I know this.
A lot flowed up to the surface today.
A lot flowed up to the surface today.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
For- I am so sorry you are hurting. It's ok. Let it out then let it go... I will continue this in the am, my eyes are all but closed. Just wanted you to know you have been such a strength for many here at SR. Talk more tomorrow. Tonight I wish you peace my friend.
Ro
Ro
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Location: ohio
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((((((Forourgirls)))))))
You got out at the right time, your daughters will know what real love looks like and they will know how people should treat them. You did the best thing at just the right time for you and for them.
I have to believe things happen the way they do for a reason. I'm ok not always knowing what that reason is.
This is a great place to get all of this out. I hope typing it out helps, I have typed out some of my darkest feelings and thoughts on these forums too. I think it lets out some of the suck. A think that space can now be filled with light.
May your space be filled with light.
You got out at the right time, your daughters will know what real love looks like and they will know how people should treat them. You did the best thing at just the right time for you and for them.
I have to believe things happen the way they do for a reason. I'm ok not always knowing what that reason is.
This is a great place to get all of this out. I hope typing it out helps, I have typed out some of my darkest feelings and thoughts on these forums too. I think it lets out some of the suck. A think that space can now be filled with light.
May your space be filled with light.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Good Morning For - OK! I am awake and re-read your post. I woke up thinking about you! So here is what I have to tell you.......
I want you to take a good look at yourself. I hope that you see what I already know to be true. A STRONG woman who no longer takes any crap from an abuser! A STRONG woman who is a model for her children and is able to now show them what not to put up with in a relationship with a man. A STRONG woman who has been through the muck and now knows exactly what she needs and wants in an intimate relationship. A STRONG woman who can now walk through life with her head held high, balls to the wall. Do you see her???
You can't change the past... Would you really?? What about those beautiful children.? There was a purpose for your relationship with your ex. They wouldn't be here if so. So what. You put up with an abuser for longer than you probably should have. So what. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. You have done nothing different than a lot of us here have done. Nothing. Why did you put up with him for as long as you did? I don't know, does it matter? The outcome unfortunately would have been the same if you left sooner, who knows... It is what it is. The ONLY loser in this scenario is your ex. You must believe that.
So.....pick yourself up, dust yourself off and show those girls what a fierce woman looks like. Stop looking behind you.... That's over, WAY OVER... Let the HP deal with him and his craziness... You've got a life to live! ( without chaos I might add )
Be well my friend... You've got this!
Ro
I want you to take a good look at yourself. I hope that you see what I already know to be true. A STRONG woman who no longer takes any crap from an abuser! A STRONG woman who is a model for her children and is able to now show them what not to put up with in a relationship with a man. A STRONG woman who has been through the muck and now knows exactly what she needs and wants in an intimate relationship. A STRONG woman who can now walk through life with her head held high, balls to the wall. Do you see her???
You can't change the past... Would you really?? What about those beautiful children.? There was a purpose for your relationship with your ex. They wouldn't be here if so. So what. You put up with an abuser for longer than you probably should have. So what. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. You have done nothing different than a lot of us here have done. Nothing. Why did you put up with him for as long as you did? I don't know, does it matter? The outcome unfortunately would have been the same if you left sooner, who knows... It is what it is. The ONLY loser in this scenario is your ex. You must believe that.
So.....pick yourself up, dust yourself off and show those girls what a fierce woman looks like. Stop looking behind you.... That's over, WAY OVER... Let the HP deal with him and his craziness... You've got a life to live! ( without chaos I might add )
Be well my friend... You've got this!
Ro
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Hugs, For,
I know you talked with a DV advocate before, I'd suggest maybe contacting them again and see if they can refer you to a group or a therapist to work on recovery from the abuse, specifically. Al-Anon is great for a lot of things, but it isn't specifically designed to address recovery from abuse. Some of the Steps can even be a bit counter-productive when it comes to what I generally think of as abuse. A lot of alcoholics behave in mean, selfish, abusive ways in the interest of protecting their addiction. It may feel the same way to the victim--and everyone deserves to be safe physically and emotionally--but the deliberate tearing down and deliberate inspiring of fear and pain in a partner is a little different. Some of the "look for your part in it" doesn't apply in that situation, because surviving and trying to protect one's children are good reasons for staying until you can safely escape it, and trying to live one's life isn't "playing a part" in the abuse.
I agree with Ro that you are a strong woman and a brave mom. I do think, though, that processing what happened with the abuse requires a little more than what you're likely to find in Al-Anon or in your church (not to diminish the comfort your faith gives you).
Think about it.
I know you talked with a DV advocate before, I'd suggest maybe contacting them again and see if they can refer you to a group or a therapist to work on recovery from the abuse, specifically. Al-Anon is great for a lot of things, but it isn't specifically designed to address recovery from abuse. Some of the Steps can even be a bit counter-productive when it comes to what I generally think of as abuse. A lot of alcoholics behave in mean, selfish, abusive ways in the interest of protecting their addiction. It may feel the same way to the victim--and everyone deserves to be safe physically and emotionally--but the deliberate tearing down and deliberate inspiring of fear and pain in a partner is a little different. Some of the "look for your part in it" doesn't apply in that situation, because surviving and trying to protect one's children are good reasons for staying until you can safely escape it, and trying to live one's life isn't "playing a part" in the abuse.
I agree with Ro that you are a strong woman and a brave mom. I do think, though, that processing what happened with the abuse requires a little more than what you're likely to find in Al-Anon or in your church (not to diminish the comfort your faith gives you).
Think about it.
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