Stuck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 23
Stuck
I have known for a while that my ABF and I will never be able to have a healthy relationship. I know that it's over and that I need to move on. I deserve better and want things out of life that just aren't possible if I'm involved with this guy.
But I'm stuck. I know he's lying. I know he's relapsed. So why isn't that enough for me? Why do I feel the need to get him to admit that he's lying? What will that do for me? It's driving me insane. I will never believe anything out of his mouth anyway, so why do I torture myself like this?!
Why am I expecting a liar to suddenly become honest and tell me what's really been going on? How can I just let this go? How do I accept that I will never know all that was happening behind my back? I have to let go of the idea that this energy I'm spending by trying to sort out what was a lie and what wasn't isn't going to make a difference in the end.
Can anyone who's experienced this please share how you were able to accept this. How do you deal with never knowing the truth?
Or just any advice at all would be appreciated. I need to get off of this hamster wheel of hell.
But I'm stuck. I know he's lying. I know he's relapsed. So why isn't that enough for me? Why do I feel the need to get him to admit that he's lying? What will that do for me? It's driving me insane. I will never believe anything out of his mouth anyway, so why do I torture myself like this?!
Why am I expecting a liar to suddenly become honest and tell me what's really been going on? How can I just let this go? How do I accept that I will never know all that was happening behind my back? I have to let go of the idea that this energy I'm spending by trying to sort out what was a lie and what wasn't isn't going to make a difference in the end.
Can anyone who's experienced this please share how you were able to accept this. How do you deal with never knowing the truth?
Or just any advice at all would be appreciated. I need to get off of this hamster wheel of hell.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Hi. Sorry you are hurting.
I will tell you what my therapist said to me... " You'll be done when you're done and not one minute sooner" It's that simple.
Hang in there... It sounds like it's going to be sooner than later...
I will tell you what my therapist said to me... " You'll be done when you're done and not one minute sooner" It's that simple.
Hang in there... It sounds like it's going to be sooner than later...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 34
For me I'm stuck because we have kids and honestly...I would give JUST ABOUT ANYTHING to be able to simply walk away. I really would not care if I knew all the bazillion truths from his lies. Because if he is lying, he will keep lying and lying and lying and soon those lies will be so many you will lose track of how many lies there actually are. And in that moment, does the truth even matter? When there are so many lies that you cannot even remember them all? I've spent a decade under a veil of lies so thick I don't even know which way is up. I just want out of it. It is no longer that simple for me. I have kids that deserve a happy, healthy, stable home and I have no clue how to protect them from someone like him.
I hope this helps you in some way...I'm not saying this to hijack but to hopefully give you some insight into what the next years will bring if you stay simply to get some answers.
Please please please listen to me. YOU DESERVE BETTER. Read my story. It started with lies that I ignored or that I believed because I just wanted to because I loooooooved him. He would stop lying if I just did this or that. The truth will not matter one iota to you in a few years down the road.
Think back to a time in grade school or high school when a friend lied to you ---- does it matter anything now? Do you have any emotional attachment to that truth now? Please do not let needing the truth keep you from living a beautiful life you deserve.
I hope this helps you in some way...I'm not saying this to hijack but to hopefully give you some insight into what the next years will bring if you stay simply to get some answers.
Please please please listen to me. YOU DESERVE BETTER. Read my story. It started with lies that I ignored or that I believed because I just wanted to because I loooooooved him. He would stop lying if I just did this or that. The truth will not matter one iota to you in a few years down the road.
Think back to a time in grade school or high school when a friend lied to you ---- does it matter anything now? Do you have any emotional attachment to that truth now? Please do not let needing the truth keep you from living a beautiful life you deserve.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello MCM,
My marriage was a stop gap to address my fears. One of my big ones was a fear of abandonment. My H's addiction was an acceptable time waste and excuse to not deal with my own issues.
Letting my RAH deal with his issues - or not - was tough. But it was even tougher to work on my own issues. But I am grateful I did. It has set me up with confidence and capabilities I did not think I had. It helped me mature and become more gracefully human.
My marriage was a stop gap to address my fears. One of my big ones was a fear of abandonment. My H's addiction was an acceptable time waste and excuse to not deal with my own issues.
Letting my RAH deal with his issues - or not - was tough. But it was even tougher to work on my own issues. But I am grateful I did. It has set me up with confidence and capabilities I did not think I had. It helped me mature and become more gracefully human.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I second CodeJob and Ro-great advice and words. I too take plenty of responsibility for my issues which I truly didn't start to address until a little over three years ago. I too, like CJ, hid under the blaming my exs addiction and behaviors (not that they were not awful) to not look at me-which is the only thing I can change and be accountable for.
What Ro said is true-my therapist kind if said the same thing-my bottom is just as hard to define as an alcoholics bottom. What will it take for my ex to stop? Dunno. What did it take me to stop and say No more-and really truly mean it for the first time ever? As my friends have stated, they would have gotten the hell out eons ago-but I did loooooove my husband and hoped for the best. I never knew what my bottom was until I knew. And boy did I know. It was time.
What manic said is true for me as well-I believed my exs lies bc I wanted to - I wanted his words to be true although in my heart I knew they were lies. You do deserve better.
It is extremely hard and excruciating to really deal with your issues-it ain't fun. It's hard work-and uncovers some things you'd rather not deal with. But, a necessary evil to move to a healthy, free, authentic place.
Peace to you
What Ro said is true-my therapist kind if said the same thing-my bottom is just as hard to define as an alcoholics bottom. What will it take for my ex to stop? Dunno. What did it take me to stop and say No more-and really truly mean it for the first time ever? As my friends have stated, they would have gotten the hell out eons ago-but I did loooooove my husband and hoped for the best. I never knew what my bottom was until I knew. And boy did I know. It was time.
What manic said is true for me as well-I believed my exs lies bc I wanted to - I wanted his words to be true although in my heart I knew they were lies. You do deserve better.
It is extremely hard and excruciating to really deal with your issues-it ain't fun. It's hard work-and uncovers some things you'd rather not deal with. But, a necessary evil to move to a healthy, free, authentic place.
Peace to you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
I felt like this for a couple of months before getting "unstuck." These were the reasons why I was stuck:
I loved him.
I felt guilty for wanting to leave, because he was sick and I was abandoning him.
I felt sorry for him, because he was sick and needed help, and may get worse on his own.
I listened to him when he said he needed me to be there for him so he could get better, and that he didn't think he could make it without me.
I still hoped that something would click because I really didn't want to give up on him.
Two weeks before the end, I tried coming up with some kind of way for it to end amicably, and wanted to wait for the right moment.
And then he had one of those get drunk and pick a fight to project everything he hates about himself onto me, and that was enough.
The first one is the one that keeps you hooked, though. The rest are excuses that simply circle back to the first.
It's hard, but in realizing that you love him, you do have to let him go because you're not helping him at all. And the worst? You're not even helping yourself. You're teaching yourself how to love someone the wrong way.
Love him the right way, and let him go so that maybe he has a chance to see that he is, in fact, on his own with this. He is the one that has to do it. And save yourself that horrible, awful ending that I had with mine.
And the not knowing the truth? That's easy. If his lips are moving, it's not true.
I loved him.
I felt guilty for wanting to leave, because he was sick and I was abandoning him.
I felt sorry for him, because he was sick and needed help, and may get worse on his own.
I listened to him when he said he needed me to be there for him so he could get better, and that he didn't think he could make it without me.
I still hoped that something would click because I really didn't want to give up on him.
Two weeks before the end, I tried coming up with some kind of way for it to end amicably, and wanted to wait for the right moment.
And then he had one of those get drunk and pick a fight to project everything he hates about himself onto me, and that was enough.
The first one is the one that keeps you hooked, though. The rest are excuses that simply circle back to the first.
It's hard, but in realizing that you love him, you do have to let him go because you're not helping him at all. And the worst? You're not even helping yourself. You're teaching yourself how to love someone the wrong way.
Love him the right way, and let him go so that maybe he has a chance to see that he is, in fact, on his own with this. He is the one that has to do it. And save yourself that horrible, awful ending that I had with mine.
And the not knowing the truth? That's easy. If his lips are moving, it's not true.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 346
Yup, I had to finally admit that my pollyanna thinking was/is really my ego talking and my staying is actually delaying recovery for all parties. The minute I ignore a slight to my being is the same minute I've given permission to have it done again....and again. I do play a big part in this and it will take some work to change me or all my interactions will continue to be the same.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Unfortunately you will never get the answers you want.
And what does it matter anyways?
Actions speak louder than words so maybe it would help you to focus on his actions rather than his words?
And what does it matter anyways?
Actions speak louder than words so maybe it would help you to focus on his actions rather than his words?
Originally Posted by mcm19 
I have known for a while that my ABF and I will never be able to have a healthy relationship. I know that it's over and that I need to move on. I deserve better and want things out of life that just aren't possible if I'm involved with this guy.
But I'm stuck. I know he's lying. I know he's relapsed. So why isn't that enough for me? Why do I feel the need to get him to admit that he's lying? What will that do for me? It's driving me insane. I will never believe anything out of his mouth anyway, so why do I torture myself like this?!
Why am I expecting a liar to suddenly become honest and tell me what's really been going on? How can I just let this go? How do I accept that I will never know all that was happening behind my back? I have to let go of the idea that this energy I'm spending by trying to sort out what was a lie and what wasn't isn't going to make a difference in the end.
Can anyone who's experienced this please share how you were able to accept this. How do you deal with never knowing the truth?
Or just any advice at all would be appreciated. I need to get off of this hamster wheel of hell.
But I'm stuck. I know he's lying. I know he's relapsed. So why isn't that enough for me? Why do I feel the need to get him to admit that he's lying? What will that do for me? It's driving me insane. I will never believe anything out of his mouth anyway, so why do I torture myself like this?!
Why am I expecting a liar to suddenly become honest and tell me what's really been going on? How can I just let this go? How do I accept that I will never know all that was happening behind my back? I have to let go of the idea that this energy I'm spending by trying to sort out what was a lie and what wasn't isn't going to make a difference in the end.
Can anyone who's experienced this please share how you were able to accept this. How do you deal with never knowing the truth?
Or just any advice at all would be appreciated. I need to get off of this hamster wheel of hell.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
