sobriiestote

I am an alcoholic.

I cannot drink normally, I can never drink normally, it is not because of lack of will power or lack of self control, it is because I am an alcoholic.

I just read Beeraholic's post with the link to the Beyond the Influence book and it's sunk in. I do not process alcohol normally and I never will. I will always react badly to it.

I have still been logging on here and reading posts every day but I have been drinking every day too.

Timeline;

25 years ago I started drinking to get drunk.

No periods of sobriety longer than 1 month apart from 2 sober pregnancies.

7th September this year did a home and dry detox and managed to stop drinking for 47 days.

Then I started again...

24th October I told myself I deserved it, why should I be the one to miss out? I just need to control it better, just drink on Saturdays, just buy one bottle of wine at a time.

Now today 20th November I realise I have drunk 19 of the last 27 days since I threw away my sobriety. And I have drunk the last 9 days solidly. I have been buying boxes of 6 bottles of wine at a time and keeping them in the boot of my car. I have been smuggling them in to the house one at a time and then sneaking the empty bottles back out again so my husband doesn't see how many are in the recycling. I know I've been sucked back in again.

I feel sick. I feel disappointed. I feel stupid. I feel like crying.

But I don't feel embarrased or ashamed.

I've made an appointment with my counsellor for Monday 9.30am.

I've just poured out what I had hidden in my bag.

When I leave work I will get rid of whatever is left in my car. In fact I won't wait until I finish work.

(Update)

I just decided to go and ditch the wine while I had the motivation to do so! I had 4 unopened bottles in the boot of my car, I was trying to work out what to do with them, it pained me to bin them so I thought I'd just give them away. Up at the carpark there was a man walking near my car so I called him over and asked if he drank wine? He said "me no English, me Polish!" I showed him the bottles of wine and he smiled "How much?" I said nothing, have them, I cannot drink them. He was thrilled "thank you, thank you!" Now obviously I hope he is not an alcoholic that I have just given 4 bottles of wine to as that would be a bad thing. But it made me laugh, crazy!

So then I went to the shop, bought a sandwich and as I'm queuing up I think to myself, I've really done the right thing, I'm going to buy a scratchcard (lotto). They had 16 different varieties in the box. I said "Can I have one of each please?" I figured if I'm going to save money not drinking I'm going to have some fun and I also wanted to do something to mark today as an important day. The lady called out to her colleague "Can you come and serve here, I've got a customer that's gone crazy!" It came to £51.

I feel liberated, I feel free. Wish me luck (on the sobriety not the scratchcards!)

Onwards....

entropy1964

Hi Fuzzy
I'm so glad you're back and you sound grounded and determined. No guilt and shame! A good motto. Only moving forward with the understanding that alcohol is off the table for you. Alcoholism is such a mind ****. Its amazing isn't it? There was a time for me when alcohol was fun....some of the time. When it did relieve stress....some of the time. But those times are LONGGGG gone. Alcohol does nothing but bring me pain, and pain to those around me. So why? Its a huge lie. It is so important for me to keep alcohol firmly grounded in reality. It will not help, it will not change anything, it lies, always.

Onwards and upwards. You got this!

sobriiestote

Thanks Frick,

It did lie to me. It told me I was missing it, that I was missing out, it told me I had to try harder to control it, it told me that hiding it in the boot of my car was fine, that drinking in bed was fine, that lying about it was fine, it told me I was enjoying it and if it made me happy it couldn't be that bad, it told me to carry on so I could enjoy Christmas properly, it told me everyone drinks and so should I.

Wow, what a huge amount of lying alcohol did and I did also.

I'm back.

FreeOwl

May you turn the energy of this moment into a lasting momentum, by supporting your realization with ACTION.

Ditching that wine was a wonderful start.

Now, support that inertia with more....

You can do it!

gettingsmarter

Hi Fuzzy, I was reading on here for awhile too still drinking. I knew I had a problem but reading everybody's stories made it so I could not longer deny what I knew. You can do it.

JD

Welcome back fuzzy. Alcohol is a vicious trap. Drinking does not make your life better. Remember that and what alcohol has brought to you if you ever feel the urge to drink again and then just get through the day. We're rooting for you!

adelina123

I'm with you We sound very similar in our behaviours. ...hiding it, lying to ourselves and others, allowing the wine to lie to us. I figured last weekend fri - sun u did 4 and half bottles of wine, managed a night off mon, tue and we'd did another 3 and half. I'm on day 2, I hope we can support each other. Did u win anything on the cards??

Frank14

There are so many similarities I can relate to even down to the smuggling of the booze in and out of the house. I thought I was the only one who did this nonsense.

Also, the "I deserve it" feelings that creep in. Thanks for posting this today!

Anna

Fuzzy, it sounds like you're ready to do this!

Bird615

I sure remember this. Bargaining and trying anything and everything, only so I wouldn't have to quit completely. Nothing ever worked.

Dee74

That realisation and that acceptance was the key to freedom for me Fuzzy

That's when I consider my recovery really began...

D

sobriiestote

Thanks all, sitting and drinking mint tea. My head still feels damaged from last nights wine, I'm looking forward to waking up sober tmrw for the first time in 10 days.

I still can't believe I gave 4 bottles of Chardonnay to some random Polish man, that was so bizarre but I'm glad I did it!

Haven't done scratch cards yet, I'll let you know.

Sleep well x

JD

Think of the story the polish guy is going to tell.

loulou1981

Well done for getting rid of it, best way to get rid of that temptation. I had to sort myself out when the back of my wardrobe was my stash place (cannot believe it got to that stage)!!!!
I too feel a bit wary about xmas, but its the AV & I need to remind myself of that!!!

fini

Fuzzy,
yay!
when i got it, that i was a drunk and that it wasn't just about what i was doing or not doing or unable to do by will alone...that was my turnaround.

didn't mean the road ahead was smooth sailing, but it did mean i had the right starting point. the necessary foundation.

adelina123

Oh yes I've had those 'I deserve it" feelings for a very long time. In the end I didn't have to do very much at all before lots if wine was the reward!!