I should have seen it coming
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I should have seen it coming
Hey y'all... I'm new here.
So my boyfriend has been clean and sober for 2 years and then today he told me he relapsed. We have been friends for 5 years, he called me everyday when he was in detox and then rehab. I went to a couple of NA meetings with him. And then, about 6 months or so into his recovery, he stopped going. He said he was okay on his own and he was doing so well. He got a new job that he loved, got away from his baby mama (that's another story) and finally after several months of him pursuing me, we began dating. I feel that this back story is important because I knew him when he was in active addiction and through the recovery process even though we weren't together.
Now 10 months into what has been mostly an incredible relationship, I don't know what to do. I know that it's not my fault, I know that I can't make him seek treatment, but I do want to create the most loving, supportive environment possible to encourage him back to recovery.
About 3 months ago he started hanging out with a friend who was using. This friend has always been sketchy and not too keen about having me around. Since then, my boyfriend's attitude toward our life together has been different. He'd hang out with this friend late at night even though he'd have to work in the morning, and he'd get frustrated with me when I call him to come home. A few weeks ago the two of them were arrested together and the friend had a bunch of drugs on him. Boyfriend was arrested because his license was suspended even though it shouldn't have been (that's since been cleared up... There was a delay in communication between his insurance company and the state). He claims the stress of that on top of our financial struggles (we live together) were what led him back to opiates. Although with his behavior changes from the time he started hanging out with this friend, I'm not buying it.
I know I want to be with him. He's my best friend, the love of my life, and it took us 4 and a half years to get here. But I also know that I have to make sure I'm in a good place. I can't help somebody else seek treatment if I'm dealing with my own demons. I'm already looking into al-anon, going to try to get to a meeting tomorrow. I'm a teacher, and my job is very stressful. It does not allow me the time I need to make sure I'm mentally healthy and to figure out the best way to support but not enable him.
Please be kind. I'm open to any suggestions and feel blessed to have found this outlet so quickly.
So my boyfriend has been clean and sober for 2 years and then today he told me he relapsed. We have been friends for 5 years, he called me everyday when he was in detox and then rehab. I went to a couple of NA meetings with him. And then, about 6 months or so into his recovery, he stopped going. He said he was okay on his own and he was doing so well. He got a new job that he loved, got away from his baby mama (that's another story) and finally after several months of him pursuing me, we began dating. I feel that this back story is important because I knew him when he was in active addiction and through the recovery process even though we weren't together.
Now 10 months into what has been mostly an incredible relationship, I don't know what to do. I know that it's not my fault, I know that I can't make him seek treatment, but I do want to create the most loving, supportive environment possible to encourage him back to recovery.
About 3 months ago he started hanging out with a friend who was using. This friend has always been sketchy and not too keen about having me around. Since then, my boyfriend's attitude toward our life together has been different. He'd hang out with this friend late at night even though he'd have to work in the morning, and he'd get frustrated with me when I call him to come home. A few weeks ago the two of them were arrested together and the friend had a bunch of drugs on him. Boyfriend was arrested because his license was suspended even though it shouldn't have been (that's since been cleared up... There was a delay in communication between his insurance company and the state). He claims the stress of that on top of our financial struggles (we live together) were what led him back to opiates. Although with his behavior changes from the time he started hanging out with this friend, I'm not buying it.
I know I want to be with him. He's my best friend, the love of my life, and it took us 4 and a half years to get here. But I also know that I have to make sure I'm in a good place. I can't help somebody else seek treatment if I'm dealing with my own demons. I'm already looking into al-anon, going to try to get to a meeting tomorrow. I'm a teacher, and my job is very stressful. It does not allow me the time I need to make sure I'm mentally healthy and to figure out the best way to support but not enable him.
Please be kind. I'm open to any suggestions and feel blessed to have found this outlet so quickly.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Bones619, this is a very difficult situation and I am sorry that you find yourself here. You'll find lots of wisdom and support on this board.
Now might be a good time to take a very long term look at this relationship. You've know your boyfriend for 5 years, and for only 2 of them has he been sober. Now he's relapsed again, and picked up with an addict friend, which is not a good sign. And he has a baby with another woman which is also very problematic.
You are correct that only he can make the choice to be sober and commit to recovery. None of us, no matter what we do, can fix someone else's life.
Your own needs and plans have to be the center of your life and your planning.
You write I can't help somebody else seek treatment if I'm dealing with my own demons. The truth is that we can't ever help somebody else seek treatment or recover. They have to want it and do it totally on their own.
You also wrote He claims the stress of that (the arrest) on top of our financial struggles (we live together) were what led him back to opiates. Although with his behavior changes from the time he started hanging out with this friend, I'm not buying it. So you know already that he is not taking the responsibility for his actions and shifting blame elsewhere as he gives himself an excuse for what he has done. If he were ready for true recovery, he would be singing a different tune. It is telling that he feels it okay to use drugs when he decides his life situation is difficult. That is a harbinger of what your future life will like with him.
You might consider setting a boundary that you will not be in contact with him while he is actively using and until he truly commits to recovery and has a year of recovery to show to you. This puts the accountability for his behavior and his choices squarely on him. It gives you the time to focus on your own needs and tend to your own stress and issues. You are not held hostage to his disruptive addiction or drawn into believing that how supportive you are or are not is the cause/solution to his use of opiates.
Take a good hard look at what a life with a relapsing addict will be like, and see if that is what you want in your future. Read the SoberRecovery posts here; that life choice is extremely difficult, and once you have children, the potential for damaged lifes is exponential.
Said with great empathy; take what you want and leave the rest.
ShootingStar1
Now might be a good time to take a very long term look at this relationship. You've know your boyfriend for 5 years, and for only 2 of them has he been sober. Now he's relapsed again, and picked up with an addict friend, which is not a good sign. And he has a baby with another woman which is also very problematic.
You are correct that only he can make the choice to be sober and commit to recovery. None of us, no matter what we do, can fix someone else's life.
Your own needs and plans have to be the center of your life and your planning.
You write I can't help somebody else seek treatment if I'm dealing with my own demons. The truth is that we can't ever help somebody else seek treatment or recover. They have to want it and do it totally on their own.
You also wrote He claims the stress of that (the arrest) on top of our financial struggles (we live together) were what led him back to opiates. Although with his behavior changes from the time he started hanging out with this friend, I'm not buying it. So you know already that he is not taking the responsibility for his actions and shifting blame elsewhere as he gives himself an excuse for what he has done. If he were ready for true recovery, he would be singing a different tune. It is telling that he feels it okay to use drugs when he decides his life situation is difficult. That is a harbinger of what your future life will like with him.
You might consider setting a boundary that you will not be in contact with him while he is actively using and until he truly commits to recovery and has a year of recovery to show to you. This puts the accountability for his behavior and his choices squarely on him. It gives you the time to focus on your own needs and tend to your own stress and issues. You are not held hostage to his disruptive addiction or drawn into believing that how supportive you are or are not is the cause/solution to his use of opiates.
Take a good hard look at what a life with a relapsing addict will be like, and see if that is what you want in your future. Read the SoberRecovery posts here; that life choice is extremely difficult, and once you have children, the potential for damaged lifes is exponential.
Said with great empathy; take what you want and leave the rest.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Thank you for commenting, and you're right. I don't feel that he is ready for recovery. Right now he is in a place where using seems easier than coping with life.
I should mention that this whole conversation began after I accidentally knocked his bong over (he started using marijuana again a while ago but claimed it was for anxiety and migraine control)and he freaked out, telling me to pack up my things and go because he can't take it anymore. Then he apologized and said he was just really mad and that's why he said that. Typical addict behavior. When I called him out for being completely irrational, that's when he finally broke down and expressed that he had used a couple of times again and that for whatever screwed up illogical rationalization, he believes that smoking keeps him off the opiates. That was his excuse for being so worked up over broken glass.
I just am not sure what to do but I definitely need to take care of myself physically and emotionally.
I should mention that this whole conversation began after I accidentally knocked his bong over (he started using marijuana again a while ago but claimed it was for anxiety and migraine control)and he freaked out, telling me to pack up my things and go because he can't take it anymore. Then he apologized and said he was just really mad and that's why he said that. Typical addict behavior. When I called him out for being completely irrational, that's when he finally broke down and expressed that he had used a couple of times again and that for whatever screwed up illogical rationalization, he believes that smoking keeps him off the opiates. That was his excuse for being so worked up over broken glass.
I just am not sure what to do but I definitely need to take care of myself physically and emotionally.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Well, using marijuana is still using drugs, just a different one. And that he claims it is for anxiety and migraine relief is just an excuse, as you say, for not being ready to cope with the ups and downs of normal life.
I'd suggest putting the focus squarely on you and what you need and want. You need and deserve the time and focus for yourself.
He'll pull you back and forth with manipulation, all of it intended, at the core, to rationalize his drug use and keep on using. Is there any way you can live - or visit - somewhere else for a while to take the time to think this through?
Shooting Star1
I'd suggest putting the focus squarely on you and what you need and want. You need and deserve the time and focus for yourself.
He'll pull you back and forth with manipulation, all of it intended, at the core, to rationalize his drug use and keep on using. Is there any way you can live - or visit - somewhere else for a while to take the time to think this through?
Shooting Star1
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Bones...
Welcome to the Board. Your story is highly typical of a lot of women who have found FFSA, so I hope that you take comfort in the fact that you're not alone.
The thing about opiates, and what makes them so incredibly dangerous, is the brain remembers what it's like to be under the influence of them even after detoxing and abstaining from using them for months. Imagine a condition where you feel no pain, no discomfort, no anything, and that's what it's like for an opiate user. All it takes is a single moment of denial or dishonesty on the part of the addict, which leads to them giving themselves permission to use again, and they're off and running.
What you do or won't do doesn't matter. In spite of your "incredible" relationship, he started hanging out with someone who was using, and then he ends up getting arrested. I don't doubt you love him very much. But the toughest lesson to learn is you can love an addict until the stars are no longer above you, and it won't make a difference in terms of the addict's behavior or choices.
And based on that, you have some decisions on your doorstep. The only way you can make the best ones for you is to learn what it is you're up against, and to believe what your own eyes are telling you. There is no room for denial, Bones. Learn what you can here, learn what our members have gone through, and then make the best decisions you can for yourself.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. Your story is highly typical of a lot of women who have found FFSA, so I hope that you take comfort in the fact that you're not alone.
The thing about opiates, and what makes them so incredibly dangerous, is the brain remembers what it's like to be under the influence of them even after detoxing and abstaining from using them for months. Imagine a condition where you feel no pain, no discomfort, no anything, and that's what it's like for an opiate user. All it takes is a single moment of denial or dishonesty on the part of the addict, which leads to them giving themselves permission to use again, and they're off and running.
but I do want to create the most loving, supportive environment possible to encourage him back to recovery.
And based on that, you have some decisions on your doorstep. The only way you can make the best ones for you is to learn what it is you're up against, and to believe what your own eyes are telling you. There is no room for denial, Bones. Learn what you can here, learn what our members have gone through, and then make the best decisions you can for yourself.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Thanks guys. I'm spending some time at my parents' house to try to put some distance between myself and the situation. I came to our place after work and he was here, sound asleep. I don't know if he's used or not today. In his sleep, he reached for me the way he always does. When he woke up he asked me why I was here and all I said was "why wouldn't I be?" I mostly came to make sure he hadn't neglected our dogs, but I also wanted to talk to him.
I didn't get to of course, as he was up for about 10 minutes and then left to go to his friend's house. That friend. I'm not surprised, nor am I disappointed. I have no expectations anymore. I just want what's best for him and best for me. I'm sitting here with the dogs hoping that I'll get to talk to him when he gets back. If not, then it's off to my parents' for the night.
You're right in what you said about the push and pull for purposes of manipulation. He's been that way for a before, presumably since he started using again. I wish he was ready for help, but I know he's got to get there in his own time.
I didn't get to of course, as he was up for about 10 minutes and then left to go to his friend's house. That friend. I'm not surprised, nor am I disappointed. I have no expectations anymore. I just want what's best for him and best for me. I'm sitting here with the dogs hoping that I'll get to talk to him when he gets back. If not, then it's off to my parents' for the night.
You're right in what you said about the push and pull for purposes of manipulation. He's been that way for a before, presumably since he started using again. I wish he was ready for help, but I know he's got to get there in his own time.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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when using -- we always want to blame someone or something
Originally Posted by Bones619 
He claims the stress of that on top of our financial struggles (we live together) were what led him back to opiates.
To lay (any) thing on you in regards to his relapse is not right.
Hope things work out for you
and he stays clean and sober
for if not
might be best to cut your loses ??
MB
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Update: it seems we may be making some progress. I say that cautiously because I know he can put on a show when he needs to.
He didn't go see "that friend". He went to his other friend's garage and brought back two friends who are both sober and who have always been good influences in his life. And he's talking. About the using and about knowing he needs to do something different. We're discussing the options.
I know I can't get my hopes up because tomorrow he could wake up and decide to get loaded again. But I do feel that this is a step in the right direction. I'm putting my faith in God that he will lead us both down the right path.
He didn't go see "that friend". He went to his other friend's garage and brought back two friends who are both sober and who have always been good influences in his life. And he's talking. About the using and about knowing he needs to do something different. We're discussing the options.
I know I can't get my hopes up because tomorrow he could wake up and decide to get loaded again. But I do feel that this is a step in the right direction. I'm putting my faith in God that he will lead us both down the right path.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Funny how they sense when you're getting stronger and try to get you back in the loop.
Talk is pretty cheap Bones and doesn't pay the bills.
He need to show you he's serious with actions, like stepping up financially
and actively seeking recovery.
I hope he's making a serious effort and wish you both the best.
Talk is pretty cheap Bones and doesn't pay the bills.
He need to show you he's serious with actions, like stepping up financially
and actively seeking recovery.
I hope he's making a serious effort and wish you both the best.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 34
I hope that he does make the decision to do the right thing. But just the title of this post is a little worrying. It isn't your job to see anything coming. It is his job to get clean and stay clean. He should do that for himself, get the help he needs, and follow through. My experience is that good intentions can be VERY hard to implement. Believe only his actions, not his words. There is always a reason, there will always be an excuse, and it will always be external. There being a reason doesn't excuse anything. I hope he puts away those excuses and reasons and gets serious about getting healthy.
Best to you both!
Best to you both!
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