Zircon

My week has been ok, or I think I'm dealing with my ah behavior in a different way. I'm not answering his questions which infuriates him, and just walk away.
The lawyers appt that he told me he had on Tuesday am, he said he canceled. I'm sure he never made one. Not sure he remembers what he says.
Last night, my ah was about 2 hrs late coming home from work. He appeared to have been drinking!!! Oh well. Called his mom, with dementia, told her he'd come to see her this weekend (good for me), then after he hung up, he says the last thing I want to do is go visit my mom this weekend. I responded, I understand, I didn't always want to make the 3 hr trip to see my mom, but I glad I did, since she passed away a few months ago. He got very angry, stood up and yelled, your mother is dead!!! It's different for me, than you!!! You had someone to support you, and I have no one. That's when I went upstairs.
I feel pity for him. The way he sees the world, is his reality, not what is actually true.
I am looking forward to my weekend alone, my thanksgiving with my daughter and grandkids, and if my ah wants to be with us that's ok, even though I feel he's never really present. Then I go to Florida for a few weeks.
What makes me sad, I was refolding towels that were on top of my washer to put in my new cabinet, while folding an empty bottle of southern comfort fell out of the towels!!!
Who does my ah think he's hiding this from????? I don't know, can't keep up with his scatteredness, angry outbursts. I think it's going to take a tragedy to make him realize he has a problem, and then it will be too late!

AnvilheadII

the man lives on his own island, doesn't he? or his own dimension or something. you seem to be doing a very good job of detaching and NOT engaging as you gain further clarity into the futility of that!

while i hope he does go to see his mom this weekend, for YOUR sake, i sure feel for his poor mother. perhaps it is a blessing that she too lives a bit in her own world.

it's good to hear that you aren't dreading the holidays, but are finding the silver lining and not losing sight of the JOY in your life.

So are you a Turkey or a Ham kind of gal?

Zircon

I'm hoping for happy holidays!! My daughter and her children are such precious gifts. I'm very lucky to have them.
I also once thought I was the luckiest woman in the world to have found such a caring, compassionate man. My ah used to treat so well it made me really feel special.
I do feel fortunate to have had 10 great years with him, and I know in my heart, there will be no more.
Being a nurse, mother, daughter, and sister, I have seen so much loss, and grief. I have been blessed to be a hospice nurse and allowed into the final chapter of a persons life, all so special, young and old.
But I must say, there is no greater pain or sense of loss than loosing a loved one to addiction.
Enough said, everyone here knows that, and I'm just starting my journey. I'm a turkey girl for thanksgiving, and ham for Christmas!!!!

Liveitwell

Friend-my ah used to treat me so incredibly well, too. The more he continued drinking and the drunker he got and the farther down into addiction he went, the worse he treated me-and then the apologies for bad treatment just disappeared. And the more I saw him go away and spiral into addiction, the worse I treated him...out of anger and pure sadness for watching him go away. I was so mad at him, so incredibly mad. Hindsight is 20/20 and if I had to do it again I would have stopped drinking many years before I did and would have gotten my butt into therapy and Alanon many years before I did-it would have saved me going down the crazy train-but I know now that wouldn't have changed anything for my ex-bc his demons and drinking have nothing to do with me. Same for your hubby. It is surreal to see their alternate universe.
I know how you feel, and I'm pretty sure most of us do that have lost spouses to addiction. You will be ok-and you will have a great Thanksgiving turkey to enjoy with your kids and grand kids.
Peace to you

Zircon

Me again, my ah is about 2hrs late from coming home from work. Last night it was about an hr later than usual.
My ah is drinking at work, we own the business. I'm getting worried there will be a repeat of what happened a few weeks ago.
My ah was taken into protective custody, wish he was arrested. The young man with him was unresponsive and taken via 911 to the hospital.
My ah spend the night in jail. He had no remorse for his actions.
I stated I didn't want this young man back in the business. That lasted about a week. I'm sure he's drinking there with him. When is he going to learn.!!!!!!!! It could have ended very tragically.
Of course no phone calls from him to let me know he'll be late. I haven't been making dinner because he's been such an a--h--e!!!!!.
What do I do, call him to see if he's ok. Call the police to do a check, or just wait to see if he comes home. My ah probably won't answer the phone. Any thought ?????

Jleezy2004

I am sorry what is AH?? and what is AV?? sorry if this is a stupid question....

Zircon

I probably meant alcoholic husband for both, ah an av

LexieCat

I'd like to suggest you make dinner for yourself, turn on the TV or pick up a good book and go to bed. I know that isn't likely to happen, but calling him or having the police go check on him won't make any difference in what happens.

Just keep taking the steps you need to take so you can get your peaceful life back.

AnvilheadII

When is he going to learn.!!!!!!!!

this isn't about HIS lesson...it is about YOURS.

Liveitwell

Anvil took the words out of my mouth-when are YOU going to learn?????

Zircon

I guess I'm a slow learner, but I'm making progress. I think it certainly is a process which includes anger, denial, grief, and then acceptance. Also it's a process to understand that you need to take care of yourself, and think of your needs and wants. I certainly am getting there, but have a ways to go.
My ah is drunk at our business, with the young man. I called after he was 3hrs overdue. I don't expect him home tonight, even though he told me were almost done working and will be home, that was 4 hrs ago.
I know this will happen again. Next time I will not call. I will just let it be. I'm seeing my lawyer tomm., and really need to get out of this situation.
I feel I need to wait till I get back from Florida before I proceed, because while in gone I'm afraid he might destroy my things, thank you all for your support

dandylion

Zircon.....alcoholics are slow to make the connection between drinking and the negative consequences in their lives. That is where the denial comes in.
It isn't a matter of logic, or, even, intelligence.
If they make the connection....then, they have to give up the "feel good" feeling that comes with reaching for the drink.....
It is hard for the non-alcoholic to wrap the mind around, I know......
The alcoholic voice is there...24/7.....telling him to Do It.

The articles by Floyd P. Garrett....
"The Addict's Dilemma" and "Addiction, Lies, and Relationships" addresses this issue. You might want to give them a google.

Of course, you are still left with the necessity to do whatever you have to do to protect yourself in this situation.....
Alcoholism can destroy a business as well as relationships and lives.....

I am sorry that you are facing all this....

dandylion