Took a Huge Emotional Step Backwards
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 38
Took a Huge Emotional Step Backwards
8 weeks since I made the difficult and painful decision to leave my very high functioning xABF. Immediately went no contact. I can't say I'm been doing well but I've been making some strides in therapy, reading, self analysis, exercise and work, as well as trying to be very present with my kids.
This morning, my friend, who is an avid online dater sent me a message with a picture of xABFs dating profile. I don't think she meant any harm and I've already asked her not to do that again but the damage is done. Aside from the blatant lies in his profile (he drinks socially once or twice a week, he seeks open honest communication), seeing it destroyed me emotionally. His pictures, his words, knowing he's dating again. I feel like 8 weeks has gone down the drain and I'm back to day 1 of the break up. I've been sitting in my car sobbing so my coworkers don't see me. My mind is obsessively wandering with curiosity, doubts, regrets.
So I wasn't good enough/important enough to make changes for, but apparently these new potential girls are.
I want to call him, I want to see him, I want to be happy again. I feel like I've lost all my progress and I'm never getting over him.
Thanks for listening.
This morning, my friend, who is an avid online dater sent me a message with a picture of xABFs dating profile. I don't think she meant any harm and I've already asked her not to do that again but the damage is done. Aside from the blatant lies in his profile (he drinks socially once or twice a week, he seeks open honest communication), seeing it destroyed me emotionally. His pictures, his words, knowing he's dating again. I feel like 8 weeks has gone down the drain and I'm back to day 1 of the break up. I've been sitting in my car sobbing so my coworkers don't see me. My mind is obsessively wandering with curiosity, doubts, regrets.
So I wasn't good enough/important enough to make changes for, but apparently these new potential girls are.
I want to call him, I want to see him, I want to be happy again. I feel like I've lost all my progress and I'm never getting over him.
Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I'm so sorry, my friend. This is very painful, and it's no surprise it feels terrible.
I'm going to tell you something you won't believe today, but maybe you'll come back later and know it was true:
This has nothing to do with you.
Driven by his addiction, he is just looking for the next enabler. He has not changed, he will not be different for the next person, and you were not the problem.
You will get over him. It's okay that you're not yet, it JUST happened. Good for you for telling your friend you don't need to see that kind of thing again because you don't.
This is not the end of the road, just a bump in it. We're here for you.
I'm going to tell you something you won't believe today, but maybe you'll come back later and know it was true:
This has nothing to do with you.
Driven by his addiction, he is just looking for the next enabler. He has not changed, he will not be different for the next person, and you were not the problem.
You will get over him. It's okay that you're not yet, it JUST happened. Good for you for telling your friend you don't need to see that kind of thing again because you don't.
This is not the end of the road, just a bump in it. We're here for you.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
So I wasn't good enough/important enough to make changes for, but apparently these new potential girls are.
Well he can't really tell the truth in his dating profile, can he?
I had some of these types of thoughts recently. I had to sit in court and listen to my ex and his new wife talk about how WONDERFUL and PERFECT their relationship is and how TERRIFIC he is with her children and she's NEVER seen him drunk or abusive or in a blackout and the sun shines out of his rear end and their life together is all lollipops and rainbows and obviously there was just something about ME that made him act that way.
I can know something is a lie, logically and intellectually (someone who used to drink mouthwash when there was nothing else has probably not magically learned to moderate his drinking) but it still gives me a little bit of the rage. It still hurts, and I sort of hate myself a little bit for even caring.
This is a fresh wound for you, and it's going to hurt no matter what, but seeing the lies in print is bringing new pain. And really through no fault of your own. You've been diligent with no contact and your friend took it upon herself to give you this unwanted update. I'm so sorry you experienced that. I don't think your progress is destroyed though. It's not like you made a fake online dating profile and started messaging him or something. You're allowed to grieve, and to be peeved that he's moved on in the typical warp speed fashion that a lot of alcoholics seem to do when they lose an enabler. I haven't so much as met someone for coffee and my ex got married within a few months of me leaving. We were together 5 years. It's a kick in the teeth, no mistake, but you're handling it like a queen.
Coming here to vent, having a good cry, letting yourself feel upset and hurt and betrayed and angry- those are all healthy choices. You're not going to be stuck in this pain forever. You're going to grieve and mourn and heal and move on to a healthier life living your recovery.
Sending a big hug to you and the kids. Keep taking care of you and the rest will take care of itself.
Well he can't really tell the truth in his dating profile, can he?
I had some of these types of thoughts recently. I had to sit in court and listen to my ex and his new wife talk about how WONDERFUL and PERFECT their relationship is and how TERRIFIC he is with her children and she's NEVER seen him drunk or abusive or in a blackout and the sun shines out of his rear end and their life together is all lollipops and rainbows and obviously there was just something about ME that made him act that way.
I can know something is a lie, logically and intellectually (someone who used to drink mouthwash when there was nothing else has probably not magically learned to moderate his drinking) but it still gives me a little bit of the rage. It still hurts, and I sort of hate myself a little bit for even caring.
This is a fresh wound for you, and it's going to hurt no matter what, but seeing the lies in print is bringing new pain. And really through no fault of your own. You've been diligent with no contact and your friend took it upon herself to give you this unwanted update. I'm so sorry you experienced that. I don't think your progress is destroyed though. It's not like you made a fake online dating profile and started messaging him or something. You're allowed to grieve, and to be peeved that he's moved on in the typical warp speed fashion that a lot of alcoholics seem to do when they lose an enabler. I haven't so much as met someone for coffee and my ex got married within a few months of me leaving. We were together 5 years. It's a kick in the teeth, no mistake, but you're handling it like a queen.
Coming here to vent, having a good cry, letting yourself feel upset and hurt and betrayed and angry- those are all healthy choices. You're not going to be stuck in this pain forever. You're going to grieve and mourn and heal and move on to a healthier life living your recovery.
Sending a big hug to you and the kids. Keep taking care of you and the rest will take care of itself.
It's awful...Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
As usual, everything Lady said. Always remember: the truth doesn't care whether you agree with it or not-it's the truth. The only truth that matters now is that you will absolutely be okay and more healthy not being with an addict. I know how you feel-I was there for a long time. It does get better. Peace to you!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he does not define you.....he is not in charge of determining YOUR self worth. he hasn't CHANGED a thing....
he isn't searching for his "everything" - he is just shopping for a new playmate....someone that will put up with his drinking and other BS, buy into his whole "persona" and help preserve his image to the outside world.
her certainly can't be 100% truthful on a dating site....but here's the deal.....NOBODY is.
he isn't searching for his "everything" - he is just shopping for a new playmate....someone that will put up with his drinking and other BS, buy into his whole "persona" and help preserve his image to the outside world.
her certainly can't be 100% truthful on a dating site....but here's the deal.....NOBODY is.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Anvil-my thoughts exactly. Reminds me of my ex - the persona he wore was one he would drunkenly slur many nights : "people are just pu**ies-they cabt handle me bc I'm so honest". Uh huh, sure buddy.
Your ex is most likely searching for another drinking buddy or someone to enable him and take care of him, bc he cannot take care of himself. You are much better off (even though you don't feel like it now). There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Your ex is most likely searching for another drinking buddy or someone to enable him and take care of him, bc he cannot take care of himself. You are much better off (even though you don't feel like it now). There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
All that indicates to me is that he is very aware he is screwed up. Otherwise, he would have written "I drink ALOT". You KNOW he does. He didn't write that - there is a reason.
Its the same reason people post pictures of themselves from 15 years ago.
Its the same reason people post pictures of themselves from 15 years ago.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
What makes you think he is going to make any changes for anyone else? Honey, he would have to do that for HIM. It's just a cycle, and luckily, you made the very correct choice to remove yourself from that life. Keep moving forward.
Many, many hugs to you.
Many, many hugs to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
G-
Remember, he was a train wreck with you, and he will be a train wreck with out you. Life is not so peachy for an alcoholic. Go and read the new to recovery forum, read about the physical and mental issues they deal with, everyday.
Take one day at a time and remember No new contact means no new hurts. Get back up on the horse!!
Hugs my friend, we have all been there.
Remember, he was a train wreck with you, and he will be a train wreck with out you. Life is not so peachy for an alcoholic. Go and read the new to recovery forum, read about the physical and mental issues they deal with, everyday.
Take one day at a time and remember No new contact means no new hurts. Get back up on the horse!!
Hugs my friend, we have all been there.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by hopepraylove 
"I want to be happy again."
Were you happy though? Stay strong, it gets easier.
Were you happy though? Stay strong, it gets easier.
(((((hugs))))))
amy
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 34
I agree with hopeful...He is not making those changes for himself, I doubt he actually made those changes. Feel sorry for those "potential girls". Soon they are going to be faced with the same exact issues you were. THey just don't know it yet.
Dealing with an A is pure hell, pure torture and it only gets worse. You KNOW this, deep down.
Trust in yourself that the it took a very damn good reason to leave a relationship - this isn't something you did without a LOT of thought and consideration. Just TRUST in your own instinct. You cannot feel it now, in the thick of the emotional ties you still have with him. Those feelings are overriding your logical, rational side. Again, trust in yourself and your decisions.
Hang in there and remind yourself that these feelings are fleeting, they will pass and soon the clarity that you did the right thing will be front and center of your thoughts.
Dealing with an A is pure hell, pure torture and it only gets worse. You KNOW this, deep down.
Trust in yourself that the it took a very damn good reason to leave a relationship - this isn't something you did without a LOT of thought and consideration. Just TRUST in your own instinct. You cannot feel it now, in the thick of the emotional ties you still have with him. Those feelings are overriding your logical, rational side. Again, trust in yourself and your decisions.
Hang in there and remind yourself that these feelings are fleeting, they will pass and soon the clarity that you did the right thing will be front and center of your thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
I've been there! Honestly I still kind of am...but seven months post breakup it's definitely better. My ex changed his Facebook picture to him in a suit..so hed look lIke less of a drunk manchild..purposely so I'd see it. It sounds like such a small thing but this is how they work. They will do anything to convince themselves...and others... they aren't drunks.
Break ups are hard. Break ups with addicts are ten times harder. You're a survivor and you're strong. You had the strength and insight to leave a bad situation. Deep down you know you deserve so much more. I'm not going to lie to you, you have a journey ahead of you. There will be really tough days but those days would be much tougher with him. At least now you have hope for something better because I'm sure with him your lack of hope kept you up at night. What's the saying? When you're going through hell keep going? Keep going.
Break ups are hard. Break ups with addicts are ten times harder. You're a survivor and you're strong. You had the strength and insight to leave a bad situation. Deep down you know you deserve so much more. I'm not going to lie to you, you have a journey ahead of you. There will be really tough days but those days would be much tougher with him. At least now you have hope for something better because I'm sure with him your lack of hope kept you up at night. What's the saying? When you're going through hell keep going? Keep going.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Feelings are OK. Pain is OK. Sometimes in our Western culture we want to avoid it but pain brings clarity, and makes us reflect on what we really want in life, thus bringing us closer to it. Instead of seeing it as an enemy I am starting to see it as as crying child, that needs care and attention, and to be listened. A wise woman told me that feelings were like different torrents of a river.. you just let them pass, each one at its own speed... it is all part of being human and of being alive. It is not going to feel like this forever... in fact, when faced directly and without distractions, feelings transform themselves... so there is nothing to fear. Remember that nothing and no one defines your worth. You are worthy, you deserve love and respect.. you are deeply lovable... you are also complete in yourself. You are a woman who is healing and growing and becoming more conscious, and I feel that life compensates those who are brave to face themselves and keep faith its all for the better even if it is not immediately apparent. You have your own path to walk and you are writing your own story. Hugs!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It doesn't look to me like a "huge emotional step backward." It looks to me like pretty normal feelings that got delayed a bit because of the no-contact. We all go through a process after a breakup, no matter how necessary and healthy it was for us. Every breakup involves loss of a dream, or acknowledging a loss that happened when we weren't paying attention. That loss has to be processed.
What everyone here is saying is spot-on. He hasn't had a miraculous transformation in the past two months. Even if he were to jump into recovery with both feet, it will be a long time before he's relationship material--for anyone.
Keep up the no-contact, avoid any of his social media (dating sites, FB, etc.), and keep focusing on your own healing. Sounds to me like you're doing fine.
What everyone here is saying is spot-on. He hasn't had a miraculous transformation in the past two months. Even if he were to jump into recovery with both feet, it will be a long time before he's relationship material--for anyone.
Keep up the no-contact, avoid any of his social media (dating sites, FB, etc.), and keep focusing on your own healing. Sounds to me like you're doing fine.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
I think you've got some wonderful advice here.
All I can say is please hold on, find out who you are and one day you may just look back and be relieved you dodged a bullet by leaving this guy.
Healing yourself takes time, but focusing on any of his craziness will not help.
Bless.
All I can say is please hold on, find out who you are and one day you may just look back and be relieved you dodged a bullet by leaving this guy.
Healing yourself takes time, but focusing on any of his craziness will not help.
Bless.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
So I wasn't good enough/important enough to make changes for, but apparently these new potential girls are.
Hi Gem.
Don't get it twisted! HE'S not good enough, not you! Keep your chin up Gem. You are doing fine!
BIG HUG
Ro
Hi Gem.
Don't get it twisted! HE'S not good enough, not you! Keep your chin up Gem. You are doing fine!
BIG HUG
Ro
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 38
I think what I am really struggling with us how to you let go of hope once and for all. If I'm being honest, I think what bothered me most about seeing the dating profile is that he has indeed moved on. I guess I've had this secret hope that he was going to come knocking on my door with roses promising to change. Ridiculous I know. Is there anything I can do to change my thought patterns and convince my overactive brain that he isn't coming back and this is over. Positive affirmations in front of the mirror? Repeat 20 times per day? Hypnosis? Anything that's been helpful to really put the nail in that false hope coffin?
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