secretchord

I have confided in my mother about my problem with alcohol and she said she will support me. However, she refuses to eliminate wine from the Thanksgiving menu this year. She has told me that she prefers not have alcohol at holidays, but it isn't up to her. I'm certain my dad is the one behind the decision to not pull wine from the menu this year. God forbid we all have ONE sober holiday. In any event, she keeps telling me to come even though there will be alcohol, which I told her I'm not comfortable with. I feel like she's giving me the guilt trip even though she is being "supportive". If she asks me one more time if I'm coming I might go off on her. Get a backbone already and put your foot down for ONE holiday this year for me. I'm so frustrated. If they can't go ONE holiday without alcohol to support me, I'm not the only one with a problem.

JD

Some times you have to go it alone in life. This may be one of those times.

secretchord

What makes things even harder is my 9 year old son is upset that we can't go to Grandma and Grandpa's for Thanksgiving this year.

tomsteve

something that was hard for me was accepting that me getting sober and changing me didnt mean my family was going to change to fit my new life. they were still going to have their get togethers where alcohol was going to be there and that didnt mean they werent supportive of me.
so i had choices to make. i had to put my sobriety first which meant i stayed away from occasions where alcohol was. there were sacrifises and some of them were difficult to make.

is there any way your son can be dropped off there or someone pick him up so he can attend?

JD

Yeah, that does make it infinitely harder. I don't know what to tell you. In my case I'm pretty comfortable being around others who are drinking. My family also has some non-drinkers in it so I'm not put in an awkward position of being the only one. I'm not sure if that's the case for you but maybe that can give you strength.

biminiblue

Why should everyone else change?

Can you drop your son off at grandma's so he can enjoy the holiday? It's not all about you.

Anna

I think it's up to you to make the change here.

Don't go, do what's right for you, have a different holiday experience with your son and start new traditions. You will feel better, your son will have a fun holiday with you and your family can drink.

entropy1964

I was always kind of the opposite. I felt embarrassed if family (the only people who know) acted awkward about drinking around me. Of course, certain members are alcoholics so they can't NOT drink...and I know this. Hate for someone to stroke out over the mashed potatoes...

I would try to put some perspective on this. If you feel that attending for a couple of hours, the 'food' hours, will jeopardize your recovery then by all means stay clear. It takes strength to recognize your needs and to assert them. That is growth. In no time this will be forgotten.

Your son? As others mentioned I guess you could take him to grandma's if that's what he wants. Or what about a movie? Make Sundaes at home after? You could make a different tradition this year. Next year? He won't even remember...heck he won't care in a couple of hours!

Deep breaths.

secretchord

And that's fine. I don't expect them to. But don't make me feel guilty about not going, you know?

ScottFromWI

No one can "make" you feel guilty. People can say things that are not kind, but at the end of the day you need to do what's best for you. If you truly feel you cannot attend because of the wine, that is what you should do. And you should have zero guilt about it because it's what you need to do to protect your sobriety at this time. What other people "think" is not relevant in the matter.

Also remember - this may be a temporary hiatus. Once you get some sober time under your belt, it's entirely possible that you will be able to attend such events, even if some people are drinking and be just fine.

Another option you would have is to talk to your father directly if you haven't. Perhaps hearing it directly from you ( in a reasonable/rational way) would be different than coming from your mother.

secretchord

My dad and I aren't close. I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to him about anything. My mother has always played the middle person a/k/a peacemaker a/k/a doormat. So yes, I'm angry at her because this scenario has played out my entire life. My anger isn't really about the alcohol, it's about him. I'll admit it.

FarToGo

Are you likely to be around so called "normal drinkers", if so, you may be surprised how well you manage. Take a toast substitute with you maybe? A grown up soft drink. If you are around problem drinkers, then that's much harder and maybe best avoided.
I'm not sure I'd ever expect others not to drink because of me though.
Be well xx

MIRecovery

The family function I attend has alcohol but I did not go for 2 years until I was solidly sober. Even today I drive separately and I stay until I leave. The people who are close to me know what the deal is and if i leave early i do.

For those 2 years my wife and I went out to a classy Thanksgiving dinner and although different it was very nice.

Hard to believe but the world did not end because I missed a couple of thanksgivings

Ruby2

Anger is almost never about the alcohol. But the anger sometimes makes us want to say gimme a drink. It's great that you're recognizing that it's the anger with your dad. Suddenly when we're sober all these feelings we drank away come bubbling up. It's how we act on the feelings that matter.

Your mom probably feels guilty and perhaps unloved or insecure if you don't go. Perhaps her constant asking is a bid for reassurance. Especially if you say she's been a doormat for your dad. Assure her you love her, that you'd like to go but it's just not possible this time. That may change but not for now. We can't expect everyone to rewrite their holiday story because we have a drinking problem. Create a fun day for you and your son. Treat yourselves. It doesn't last forever.

Soberwolf

I wouldn't go I like what Anna & Scott posted

Fly N Buy

Stay until I leave, perfect!
Nice strategy...........

OpenTuning

Hi Secretchord,

I agree with what many have said. In the short term, you have to do what's right for your recovery. And if that means missing Thanksgiving with your family, then that's what you should do. Your son may not understand what's going on, but if you do something fun together he should get over it pretty quickly.

But what I would also say is to try and see it from your family's point of view, so your day isn't spoiled by feelings of anger and resentment. Support from loved ones is always wonderful, but it has to be voluntary. You were absolutely right to test the waters and see if they'd be prepared to have a booze free Thanksgiving, but to be honest I think even if they'd agreed, the levels of resentment from all those drinkers being denied alcohol on one of the biggest holidays of the year could have created a pretty toxic atmosphere. I say that because when I was a drinker I would have been one of those creating that atmosphere. They'll probably be just as convinced that you could put up with them drinking for a few hours, if you really loved them, as you are that they could survive without booze for a few hours for the same reason.

I'm not saying that to suggest you should go despite your reservations, but rather that this ties into the broader point so many have made on these forums. We can't rely on other people to help us get sober. We just have to do what's right for us.

Wishing you all the best for an enjoyable Thanksgiving with your son.