siouxey

Last week my AH husband decided to stop for a couple of shots before coming home. Not only did he drink on an empty stomach, but drove 35 minutes (just enough time for the shots to really hit), and then picked up the children (a half hour late) from school. I didn't know what was going on. I was at a pedicure. I get a call from my neighbor who said there are some serious issues going on and I'd better get home. I stopped what I was doing, ran home, and found my daughter coloring in the dining room (she's 6) and my son curled up against the bathroom door crying 'I don't want daddy to die', while he's puking in the bathroom with the light off. I scooped up the kids, took them out to dinner and slept over at the local Embassy Suites. The next morning, we go home, he tells me he's an AH and will get help. He went to one meeting and then tells me he doesn't think he's an AH but that the problem is with communicating with me. Ok, he's gone into denial and blame. I can handle that. He says he'll never drive drunk with the kids in the car ever again. Show me a drunk who thinks he's had too much to drink that he can't drive. We're all invincable when we're drunk. Is giving him an ultimatum the wrong thing to do? i.e., 'drink and drive with the kids in the car again and we're finished'?? or 'quit drinking or else'?

I'm so discouraged.

Gwenyth

Don't be discouraged! We've ALL been there. Good for you for getting you and your children out of the situation. When my AH starting going to AA, he said he didn't have a problem either. That was a year ago - he now accepts that he is an alcoholic and only recently had the realization that his life is unmanageable (Step 1). Coming to grips with his problem, is something your AH has to do on his own. You, on the other hand, have to take care of you and take care of your children.

As for ultimatums…something I learned in the family counseling when my AH was in rehab: if you say you will do something and do not follow through, your AH will only lose respect for you. I definitely encourage you to set boundaries that work for you and protect your children. My only suggestion: be specific and make sure you will follow through. If your AH drives drunk with your kids again, are you truly willing to end your marriage forever? (and you are absolutely entitled to say yes!). You may want to consider as an alternative: if _, then he must go to rehab and complete the full program or move out until he has __ months sobriety. Hang in there!

Magichappens

((siouxey))
Only you can decide what your boundaries are. If you really feel that drinking and driving with the kids again is where you draw the line, then that is it. Explaining this to him won't do any good. Like you said, denial and blame. Our boundaries are for us to take care of ourself. I don't have children, but I know that you consider them in all your decisions. Taking care of you and them is number one.

I finally realized that explaining myself, pleading for him to understand, and being angry that he saw things differently were all ways that I expected from him something that he wasn't capable of. Today, I can explain myself, he can disagree, and that is fine. I had so much self doubt and such low self esteem that I never felt that I was right to believe my own heart and mind.

That is the healing that I got through Al-Anon. Learning to love myself, gaining self worth and self esteem, and believing that my boundaries are to protect me and not to hurt others. I needed to be with and see people who were actually doing these things. I needed to lean on them for support. It is so easy for my self destructive tendencies to come back. If I didn't have support, I couldn't do it.

You don't have to do this without help. I know that I couldn't do it. There is support and help, here and in Al-Anon. Don't give up. You are already ahead of the game reaching out. You aren't alone. Hugs, Magic

ljptwin2

siouxey,
I feel for you , my AH has had 6 dui's and has drivin with the kids and myself in the car. I thought that maybe he would listen when the kids who were 8, and 9 at the time screamed at him for 4 hours in the car to pull over that maybe he would see I wasnt just nagging.(we even went thru a sobriety check point). He himself says he doesnt have a problem only time he will admit to it is when hes infront of a judge (it makes him look better). He truly doesnt understand why he after working 10 hours a day cant come home and have a few. I believe what the others have said set limits but make sure you stick to them. I didnt stick to mine and there i think is my problem.
Goodluck with yours

Lisa

StandingStrong

You are not wrong to give this ultimatum! You are protecting your children! But as was stated, you have to be prepared to back those kind of statements up when/if the reality is that it happens again.
This was one of the rules that I stood by very very firmly. Like you, I didn't always find out right away. The 3rd time was the last time. It didn't matter that I found out after the fact. I made it very clear that he would NOT do that again. And so far as I know he never did.
There are some things that are worth standing up for and personally, I believe this is one of them.
I wish you great strength as you face this hurdle.

Patsyd1

Hi siouxey,

Boundries are for us, not for them. I would suggest saying what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean. That ultimatum is for the protection of your children as well as yourself. Your job is to take care of you, your children and all of your safety. Your children are depending on YOU to do just that.

How can you tell if an alcoholic is lying? If his lips are moving, he is lying. Its usually that simple, I know it was for me.

Take care of you and the kids first,

Patsy