Zircon

I wanted to write a positive post for a change. I went to my niece's wedding this weekend. Was gone from my ah for 2 nights. I so appreciated the peace.
I spend the 2 days with all my siblings, and my 3 children, and my 2 grandchildren. We all shared memories, and made new memories.
It was the first time in 10 years, all my children were together, and with me. I have such a feeling of peace.
My daughter and I and the grandkids drove home together. She had to pick up her car at my house.
My ah, sat in his chair, never helped bring the bags in the house. My daughter and I brought everything in the house. When she came in the house, she asked if she could borrow some money for gas. I said fine. My ah started yelling at her, telling her to grow up etc. I told her to please go. This girl loved her step father, but left in tears.
He then starte on me about where did I tell everyone he was, and did I tell everyone we were getting a divorce. I was silent. Then he proceeded to say if you didn't tell everyone, I'm not normal!!! LOL. My ah was trying to make this wedding all about him. Then, he told me he has an appt with a lawyer on Tuesday, and asked me if he should go. Again I didn't answer. My ah wants this to be all my fault.
I was extremely pleased that I didn't engage him. There were many more things he said, that was the tip of the iceberg. It infuriated him I didn't respond.
My ah went to bed at 5:45, so I'm sure he drank all day and probably all weekend.
I am very proud of me tonight for holding my tongue. I also know the kind of life I deserve, thanks to this weekend, and it isn't with my ah. This is a horrible disease, but my ah has made the choice to continue drinking which I need to respect, but not necessary understand.
I have made the choice to live my life without the anger, drama, and constant abuse.
I feel very much at peace with my decision. Thank you all very much.

dandylion

Zircon.....it was good that you knew that there was no benefit in responding.
You were blessed t have had all your family together this weekend. It is food for the soul.

That is the "gift"....to have an inner peace...even when things aren't alright.....

You will get through this.
You can always pray that your husband might reach the point that he wants sobriety......

dandylion

Mags1

Zircon, pleased you had a lovely weekend with your family and that you have found peace inside.

Zircon

I'm sure I will still have my moments of doubt, questioning myself if I am making a good decision.
My ah didn't say a word this am. Just that he'll see me later at work. It seems to me, he feels I'm attacking him, doesn't matter if I agree, or disagree with him, he just wants to control me.
Everything he says I am, seems to fit his behavior right now. I see such anger and turmoil in everything he says and does. I can't even get a sentence out of my mouth , and he's already answered even though he has no clue what I was going to say.
I see in front of me my ah, very disorganized in his thoughts and thinking. He can't seem to stay on track with a thought or idea.
What I don't understand is why the man that is working with him in the business, who's supposedly not being paid, listens to his verbal diarrhea about me, and seems to support him. This man appears to be counseling him to divorce me. I would think, if this man had any class, he would stop my ah conversation about me, because I own the business too. My ah has no boundaries. He can't separate being a boss or personal friendships. It appears to me this disease has made him loose the internal controls that we have, he can't control his impulsivity.
I can understand his sister supporting him, she's family.

My ah verbally attacked my daughter last night. She told my sister, he looks like a cancer patient with hair. She hasn't seen him for awhile.
I don't ever see him drink, but know he is. He refuses to quit.
I have my 2nd lawyer appt today.
Finally, it's taken me awhile, his words don't have the sting they used too. I understand his reality is all screwed up. This is not the man I used to know.
I am worried about myself. I don't want to loose my compassion and caring for people. I have finally letting my anger go, and trying to accept the situation the way it is and is going to be unless my ah decides to quit drinking.,
I just want me back, I know that sounds selfish. Even if my ah quits, which isn't going to happen, our relationship is too broken. Do I love him, absolutely, but I don't want him in my life anymore.

FeelingGreat

Hi Zircon, you do seem to have turned the corner, and I can tell from your posts that he's lost a lot of power over you.
I'm really glad your enjoyed the weekend meeting up with everyone and not having to worry about him. Maybe the unpaid guy is on his side, but maybe he sees more than you think.
Interesting about your AHs thoughts being disorganised. The alcoholic brain damage might be getting obvious.

Zircon

Hi,

I'm not sure if it's just the nurse in me, but I don't think my ah is well. He looks awful, even my daughter commented on that. His gait seems unsteady at times, or even having balance issues. It's all very slight, not sure someone who didn't know him would notice. Of course, when he's really drunk he falls over himself. He lately, especially last night would ask me a question, then about 15 minutes later ask me the same question. I told him I already told him, and wouldn't answer it again. He then would get angry and would say he forgot the answer. The nurse in me thinks he might be sick. He's always tired, going to bed, last night @ 5:45pm. And again his thought process is very disorganized. Not logical, hard to put into words. What are anyone's thoughts?????

dandylion

Zircon......these are typical of the effects of nutritional deficiencies in fairly advanced alcoholism. The classic names are listed if you google "nutritional deficiencies in alcoholism (we are not allowed to appear to diagnose on the public forum.....)

dandylion