My affair with alcohol
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 121
My affair with alcohol
Hi everyone, I joined the group in august but I don't think I've posted. I pretty much just lurk, reading threads to feel not so alone in this. Alcoholism and addiction runs in my family. I am so grateful that my husband doesn't have a problem with it. Anyways, maybe posting and getting this all out will make me feel better. Here goes.
I'm in my early twenties, I'm married and have 2 kids. The amount of guilt I feel for drinking is, unreal. The weight of the guilt consumes me and I just don't know what to do with it. How can I just go on with the rest of my life, knowing how much of a piece of crap I have been these last 2 years with my drinking? My little family and I have a good life. My husband has a good job. We have a nice home. Why am I in a downward spiral? It's like my husband is just going up up up. Succeeding, going to the gym everyday, going to work and school. And I am just going down, down, down. I'm over weight, i have really bad back problems, and i can't stop drinking.
If there is a 12 pack of beer in the fridge, why can't I let it sit there and it last a week? Why do i have to drink it all in one night? I am so sick of waking up, not remembering going to sleep, and being embarassed when my husband sees I drank everything we had. And then bam, it's 10am and everyone is ready to go to the zoo, but mom isn't feeling good.
I wont go out and buy alcohol if we don't have any. It's my husband that brings it home or I tell him to bring it home after work. I don't over drink if we go to a friend's house or anything like that. It is always just nights when my husband and I are home alone. He will drink 2 and go to sleep and I will stay up and drink the rest.
He doesn't know how serious I think this is, or he just brushes it off when I try to say how I have a problem. I don't know why because if i were him, I would be shaking myself by the shoulders telling me to knock this crap off.
At this point, I just hate that this is even real. Why can't I just go back and erase the last 2 years and not become an alcoholic? I just want to be normal and like everyone else who enjoys 2 drinks after a long day.
I've seen my sister almost die from being an alcoholic at my age and I just didn't understand. I thought, "how can she do this to us? I want my sister back. I'm not talking to her anymore until she gets better", etc. And now I am going down the same road? Except, I have kids and she doesn't and so that makes it 1,000x worse. My kids are my WORLD and I love them more than anything. I have to get a handle on all of this now so it doesn't affect them. That is the most important thing.
I am just so sick of myself. I hate myself. I don't love myself. How do i heal from that? I feel like the worst person in the world and I feel so bad for my husband that has to deal with me (although he is like a dream. He is always telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. Even though I am 50 lbs heavier than when we got married and now apparently a drunk. I am really lucky to have him, I just wish he would take it more seriously that I need to stop drinking.. I just don't know what to do.
The other thing is that I just don't know if I can give up all alcohol for good. I mean i WANT to stop drinking, I really do want to put an end to all of this. I just love craft beers, I love wine. It's like my second love. It's like my only "hobby". I How can I let it go? I have to figure out how to say goodbye. Sometimes I think, I am so young- I can train myself to stick to a 2 drink limit. I can get a hold of this. But then the mornings I wake up and feel like complete death, tells me otherwise.
Thanks for anyone who made it to the end of this long rant. Thanks for listening.
I'm in my early twenties, I'm married and have 2 kids. The amount of guilt I feel for drinking is, unreal. The weight of the guilt consumes me and I just don't know what to do with it. How can I just go on with the rest of my life, knowing how much of a piece of crap I have been these last 2 years with my drinking? My little family and I have a good life. My husband has a good job. We have a nice home. Why am I in a downward spiral? It's like my husband is just going up up up. Succeeding, going to the gym everyday, going to work and school. And I am just going down, down, down. I'm over weight, i have really bad back problems, and i can't stop drinking.
If there is a 12 pack of beer in the fridge, why can't I let it sit there and it last a week? Why do i have to drink it all in one night? I am so sick of waking up, not remembering going to sleep, and being embarassed when my husband sees I drank everything we had. And then bam, it's 10am and everyone is ready to go to the zoo, but mom isn't feeling good.
I wont go out and buy alcohol if we don't have any. It's my husband that brings it home or I tell him to bring it home after work. I don't over drink if we go to a friend's house or anything like that. It is always just nights when my husband and I are home alone. He will drink 2 and go to sleep and I will stay up and drink the rest.
He doesn't know how serious I think this is, or he just brushes it off when I try to say how I have a problem. I don't know why because if i were him, I would be shaking myself by the shoulders telling me to knock this crap off.
At this point, I just hate that this is even real. Why can't I just go back and erase the last 2 years and not become an alcoholic? I just want to be normal and like everyone else who enjoys 2 drinks after a long day.
I've seen my sister almost die from being an alcoholic at my age and I just didn't understand. I thought, "how can she do this to us? I want my sister back. I'm not talking to her anymore until she gets better", etc. And now I am going down the same road? Except, I have kids and she doesn't and so that makes it 1,000x worse. My kids are my WORLD and I love them more than anything. I have to get a handle on all of this now so it doesn't affect them. That is the most important thing.
I am just so sick of myself. I hate myself. I don't love myself. How do i heal from that? I feel like the worst person in the world and I feel so bad for my husband that has to deal with me (although he is like a dream. He is always telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. Even though I am 50 lbs heavier than when we got married and now apparently a drunk. I am really lucky to have him, I just wish he would take it more seriously that I need to stop drinking.. I just don't know what to do.
The other thing is that I just don't know if I can give up all alcohol for good. I mean i WANT to stop drinking, I really do want to put an end to all of this. I just love craft beers, I love wine. It's like my second love. It's like my only "hobby". I How can I let it go? I have to figure out how to say goodbye. Sometimes I think, I am so young- I can train myself to stick to a 2 drink limit. I can get a hold of this. But then the mornings I wake up and feel like complete death, tells me otherwise.
Thanks for anyone who made it to the end of this long rant. Thanks for listening.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,065
Welcome, Golden Sands!
SoberRecovery is a great place for information and inspiration. If you ever forget how much impact your drinking has on your children, just look at some of the threads in the "Friends and Family" section. Read around and post often!
SoberRecovery is a great place for information and inspiration. If you ever forget how much impact your drinking has on your children, just look at some of the threads in the "Friends and Family" section. Read around and post often!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,916
Recognizing this issue in your early 20's is good.
I had an alcohol problem in my early 20's but I ignored it for a couple of decades while my drinking increased. Alcoholism is progressive as you've probably heard.
Welcome to SR, I'm glad you found this website, stick around and learn!
I had an alcohol problem in my early 20's but I ignored it for a couple of decades while my drinking increased. Alcoholism is progressive as you've probably heard.
Welcome to SR, I'm glad you found this website, stick around and learn!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Somewhere in California
Posts: 1,136
Hello-
Welcome. This is a great resource. Stay close and read through the posts daily. This site helped me quit after many years of alcohol abuse.
You're fortunate to realize your problem and want do something about it at such a young age. Many of us here wish we had done the same in our 20's. Don't let what happened to us happen to you- allowing alcoholism to progress- allow poor health and wasted years affect you and your family.
Sobriety and freedom from alcohol is far preferable to drinking.
Welcome. This is a great resource. Stay close and read through the posts daily. This site helped me quit after many years of alcohol abuse.
You're fortunate to realize your problem and want do something about it at such a young age. Many of us here wish we had done the same in our 20's. Don't let what happened to us happen to you- allowing alcoholism to progress- allow poor health and wasted years affect you and your family.
Sobriety and freedom from alcohol is far preferable to drinking.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Sad to say but I think you're going to have to find a new hobby. The one you're clinging to will eventually wear you down into nothing.
I was you with the young kids and mommy doesn't feel well when it came time to go to the zoo. But I was in my 40s. I drank alcoholically all during my late 20s and early 30s. I thought that miraculously when I had kids I'd be able to control my drinking.
It doesn't work that way. It will only get worse. Most of the things you feel bad about now will get better if you stop drinking. Low self esteem, weight struggles. But you have to want to get better.
I think you do or you wouldn't be here. Start today. You can do it. Alcoholic drinking is progressive. Stop now. A good friend of mine quir in her early twenties. She sees no lack in her life. Her kids and husband have never seen her as the drunken party girl passing out on the dance floor.
One day at a time. You can do it one day at a time. Ask your husband not to buy beer. Or don't ask him to buy beer.
Welcome to posting.
I was you with the young kids and mommy doesn't feel well when it came time to go to the zoo. But I was in my 40s. I drank alcoholically all during my late 20s and early 30s. I thought that miraculously when I had kids I'd be able to control my drinking.
It doesn't work that way. It will only get worse. Most of the things you feel bad about now will get better if you stop drinking. Low self esteem, weight struggles. But you have to want to get better.
I think you do or you wouldn't be here. Start today. You can do it. Alcoholic drinking is progressive. Stop now. A good friend of mine quir in her early twenties. She sees no lack in her life. Her kids and husband have never seen her as the drunken party girl passing out on the dance floor.
One day at a time. You can do it one day at a time. Ask your husband not to buy beer. Or don't ask him to buy beer.
Welcome to posting.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5,250
Hang in there GoldenSands. Some great advice here. Nothing to add except I'm struggling too. One thing that triggers me besides really bad panic anxiety is the shame & guilt. Try to forgive yourself & get better. I have kids and have also gained a lot of weight since my drinking really increased 2+ years ago so I relate. I also relate to what you said about feeling like your husband is succeeding & your failing. Totally relate! I finally told my husband I have a drinking problem & want to stop. He is supportive. He also doesn't bring alcohol in our house anymore. If there was alcohol in my house it would literally call my name! Hang in there and take suggestions from all the people on here who have solid sobriety. You and I can BOTH have a happier future if we work at it and never give up. No shame! It's the #1 trigger for women with drinking problems! (((Hug)))
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
If you haven't read "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp, I hope you will. She was a young, highly-respected journalist who had a love affair with white wine. The fact she found her way out inspired me to believe I could do it, too.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,859
Welcome to SR, GoldenSand.
Wine was my daily poison. The good news is that you can leave your poison behind and get truly involved with, and present to, the truly good things in life.
Read and post often here. You will find much support, understanding and encouragement.
Glad you found us.
Wine was my daily poison. The good news is that you can leave your poison behind and get truly involved with, and present to, the truly good things in life.
Read and post often here. You will find much support, understanding and encouragement.
Glad you found us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 121
Thank you everyone! Loving the replies and support. Anna, thanks for the suggestion. I just ordered the book. I got expedited shipping, I'm looking forward to reading it. Thank you for all the advice and for sharing about your stories. I'm going to try to stay close to the board
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 26
Hey GoldenSands, I can completely understand how you feel minus the children and a husband or ( wife ) in my case. I just turned 27 and am facing a dui charge! Trust me, you can go back now with out risking all that you have built! I plan to be completely sober ( asap ). It a one day at a time process! If you really want to quit a bit faster, how about going to the gym with your husband if you can get someone to babysit the little ones. I think even some of the gyms have a little baby sitting program for the children while you work out. See if that can be an option. Please don't end up like me, I've let drinking take everything from me, but I am fighting to get it all back - sobriety will do that in time! Trust me with such a loving family as you got, you can get your life back too!
The book Anna mentioned is very good. I read it too. I hope the support here can help you get sober for good. 
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