LaMariposa

Hi I'm new here and seeking some advice and support. I've read a lot of people's posts about their significant others and the patterns and behaviors they experienced and I feel like I could have written any of them, so it's comforting to know I'm not alone.

Let me start off by saying I live overseas and came to this country with my boyfriend. We moved in together about a year and a half ago and while I'd seen him have some bad episodes with alcohol before, I'd never realized the extent of it till we moved in together. We'd been together for three and a half years.

Almost immediately it started. He stayed out all night drinking with colleagues from my job (I was working, not him) and didn't come home till 6 am. He was making no money and at that point I was more worried about the strain on my savings as I was supporting both of us till he found work. Eventually he found a job as well and I thought it would curb his big binge weekends. It didn't. Very quickly it escalated to a level I felt very uncomfortable with.

There are a lot of social drinking events at my job and he'd attend every one of them and generally speaking, I'd say most people get out of hand. After a mandatory Christmas party, he told me to "**** off," in front of some of my co-workers and proceeded to get off the bus that way taking people back to their apartments, and get on the bus taking everyone out to a local bar street, even though he had no money of his own.

There were several other bad episodes immediately after that: he pissed himself on our couch and used my sentimental blanket to mop it up, he took my wallet and left our room on vacation to go buy more booze in the middle of the night, and most importantly, stopped apologizing the next morning for his behavior. It was like he just expected that I accept that as normal. Each time though he started doing this very strange ritual of isolating himself the next day, almost like he was shunning himself as a kind of penance, or wanting me to feel sorry for him. It would just make me more angry though because it's like he wanted to be the victim, or he knew he'd done wrong was too weak to stop himself.

I laid down my first ultimatum in February and told him he'd have to stop drinking or I'd leave him. He did just enough to get me to stay and stopped drinking for 30 days, which even at the time I wondered 'what's the point of that?', but I suppose was his way of convincing me, or himself, that he could give it up if he wanted to. Or maybe he was really scared he'd lose me, I don't know….

Of course after the 30 days were up he started again and in April after another big night out, he moved out in a drunken rage. Within 24 hours he was calling and texting, begging to come back. I refused to answer his calls and finally he started showing up at my door. I told him I missed him but I needed to see some real changes in him. I have no idea where he went, but I know he kept drinking, because my colleagues told me they'd seen him out both weekends and when I confronted him about it he'd admitted he had. I really EXPLODED at me, and I really feel that I could have physically hurt him, I was so unbelievably angry with him, but also at myself, for him not able to stop, and me not able to leave.

I went home for the summer and he stayed behind. I told him he could stay in my new apartment and we could start fresh in the fall if and only if he: became more independent of me (including financially), stopped drinking, and started attending couples therapy with me.

Well, of course he did the bare minimum of that: drank less, went to the therapist a few times, and helped pay some of the bills but made a huge stink about it when I'd ask him for money to cover his half. Even in this period from August till now I told him he needed to leave because he'd come home smelling of booze, lied about it, then 24 hours later felt guilty and admitted the truth. Then I'd tell him he couldn't live with me anymore and it was like he'd gone deaf, he'd just look away and walk out of the room, like if he ignored me I'd just go away.

Two weeks ago after another night of binging. I'd had enough and told him to pack his stuff. This time instead of getting weepy and panicked I helped, took his key, and left the apartment so I didn't have to deal with his pity party he always puts on when I talked about breaking up. That was two weeks ago today. I haven't heard from him or seen him since, it's like he dropped off the face of the earth.

I've honestly been really strong so far, but my resolve is starting to crack. I remember who he was before he turned into this ugly person and that voice in my head says "you know, I really thought he'd at least try to fix this." But he hasn't and the longer he's gone it's like the more I realize he, and that person I feel in love with, is gone forever.

What really makes this hard is there are very few resources where I am: no Al-Anon meetings and very few options for English speaking therapists. I've been seeing one for several months now but I honestly don't really like it and feel like he's not really giving me the kind of support I need. My boyfriend's visa was dependent on mine, but I made him switch it off of mine when I saw what a liability he is. I honestly don't know if I would still be considered 'responsible' for him, since we came into the country together. To make matters worse, I don't have a very good relationship with my employer and earlier this spring my boyfriend got into some trouble with the police (honestly nothing major and an honest mistake that could have happened to anyone BUT probably was exasperated by the fact that alcohol makes him never listen or pay attention to anything he didn't want to). Anyway my employer dragged me into their office and told me that I would NOT tarnish the good reputation the company had with the police and they were going to hold me personally responsible for my boyfriend's behavior, regardless of whether he was out of control or not. I swear that's what they said to me. Also, there is huge drinking culture at my place of work, and a lot of people I work with are his drinking buddies. They see his behavior as normal because their's is very similar. Also, there is a strong culture of avoiding conflict and not talking about things in the open, so while everyone knows it's going on, no one will ever actually speak with you about it, especially if they're a problem. So in other words, I feel the vast majority of people I work with will side with him and not see anything wrong with his behavior. I have very few friends here.

So honestly I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed right now. I'm overcome with sadness and angry and anxiety thinking about the future and feeling unfairly saddled (still) with a problem that is not mine. I would appreciate any advice anyone had for me.

Thank you.

Thomas45

The worst thing about addiction is that it severely degrades a person's own willpower, to the point where the addiction is the one in control and the addict is at the whim of his desires. He can't fix it because he is addicted and he hasn't hit his rock bottom point of realizing that things HAVE to change. It's painful separating with someone that you've been with for that long, but honestly it's less painful than remaining in a relationship that causes you severe distress. I remember all too well how far I was willing to go to try and change my ex wife back to the person I thought she was before her drinking really started taking off. The thing is, I couldn't change her, any more than you could change him. If the earnest effort to change doesn't come from their own desire to live a healthy, positive life, then any progress they make is only temporary. We can give ultimatums until we're blue in the face and it won't do a lick of good. People change over time (especially where alcohol is concerned), not always for the better, and it's up to us to decide what we're willing to accept in our own lives rather than what we're willing to accept in someone else's life.

That sounds pretty familiar. Actually, that sounds like Thai culture to a "T." What I'm gathering from this is that his behavior is no longer just negatively impacting your social life, it is now negatively impacting your professional life as well. That is very unlikely to change by giving him further chances to redeem himself in your eyes.

From what I've gathered reading these forums, you should be able to find online Al Anon meetings on a number of websites. I've never sought them out myself, but I'm sure another poster here could point you in the right direction on how to find them. I encourage you to keep posting and getting your feelings out, and above all else focus on doing things that bring you happiness and peace of mind. Remember, you didn't cause his drinking problem, you can't control it, and you can't cure it... but you can be good to yourself and take care of your immediate needs.

Here's my favorite mental well-being reminder:

dandylion

LaMariposa.....It sounds to me like drinking is the highest priority for him.....as it is with active alcoholics. Alcohol is in charge of him....HE isn't even in charge of himself! The disease will drive all of his decisions.
Alcoholism is progressive....so, this may be as good as it ever gets.

You life is in YOUR hands.....you have to make the best decisions for yourself....
I hear that you would want to "save" the relationship.....but one person cannot save a relationship......

Have you read the stickies at the top of the main page--just above the threads?
If not...begin with the one "Classic Readings", is my suggestion.
knowledge is power.....

dandylion

FeelingGreat

You know you did the right thing by ending it, but you're having trouble dealing with the consequences.

Firstly you miss him. Time makes us sugar coat our memories. Remind yourself what he put you through by re-reading your post, or writing a list of some of the ways he upset and compromised you. Then decide whether you want some more of that.

The work thing, everyone taking his side, shouldn't be an issue for you if you stay strong and refuse to get sucked in by defending yourself. You're an adult, you can decide what to do with your personal life, and it's none of their business.

Although your EXABF is popular in the drinking circles at work, that's a far cry from them being willing to put up with him full time. Most people can tell the difference between a good drinking buddy and an ideal partner. Just avoid the temptation to read their minds or assume they're against you.

It sounds like an awful culture with heavy work drinking. It may not suit you in the long run, so maybe give some thought about whether you're in the right place.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome. Well, you've got lots of support here, and as mentioned above there are online Al-Anon meetings. Maybe not as great as being with people in person, but still a way to talk to people who understand.

It sounds like he had become a severe liability in your personal and professional life. If you took him "off" your visa, then I don't see any way you're responsible for what he does. His presence in the country is up to the government--let them deal with it.

We all know what it's like to feel sadness over the alcoholic's actions, but there's nothing we can do to change them. They have to do it for themselves, not to placate a partner.

I'd encourage you to focus your efforts on recovering from the effects of living with this insanity. If his drinking is a point of contention with your co-workers, I'd suggest you not discuss it with them in those terms. Simply say that you broke up. If he spins stories to them, just repeat that you weren't getting along so you broke up. People break up for all kinds of reasons. If he wants to paint you as the "bad guy" don't bother defending yourself. It's nobody else's business. You can just say that he has his perspective, you have your own, and you'd prefer not to discuss it.