tearaysea

This is going to be a long one so please bare with me because I can use the advice.

I've been dealing with alcoholism in my life for as long as I can remember. My parents are both alcoholics and I've watched over the years how they have suffered and how painful it has been and continues to be. That's why I've said that I've grown up this way I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.

My boyfriend that I'm currently with were high school sweethearts and were together for 4 years. When we went off to college we broke up for over 2 years for many reasons. Now we are back together, going on 3 years.

The first year 2 years was rough because my boyfriend got a DUI when we weren't together and still hadn't taken care of anything besides court to get his license back. So I drove him everywhere he needed to go pretty much even when he didn't have a job. The beginning of last year he finally got a vehicle, got the blow n go installed, and had a decent job. He committed to not drinking because A he wouldn't be able to go anywhere and B that is what got him into this situation to begin with. Things went really well for about 5 months.

I started noticing him slipping away, drinking occasionally. Then it was becoming more often then just on the weekends. He started doing it on the weekdays. He would claim that he"had a bad day". Okay, every once in awhile we all do. But I would always say you know drinking isn't going to make it better or change anything. He did it anyways. When he drinks too much, he pisses himself. I thought that would be enough to make him stop. It was embarrassing.

It has continued to be an ongoing thing now becoming more and more worse as time passes on. Still with the blow n go in his vehicle for only a couple months left. The way he has been drinking 3-5 times a week until the point he passes out and pisses himself, what's going to change from him getting another DUI.

The last 2 months have been miserable for me and I tell myself that I'm going to leave because I can't take it anymore and refuse to live the rest of my life like this. I work night shift Thurs-Sunday so when I'm not home when he's home I can't control the situations. I can't stop people from coming over and bringing alcohol because he claims that he "can't say no". Multiple times I'll come home to people at my apartment passed out everywhere and my place a mess. The next day when my boyfriend is awake he acts like he didn't do anything wrong. When I try to talk to him about it he will just ignore it and tell me not to start a fight.

I constantly tell him he has no respect for me and "our" home. He says " I can not drink if I don't want to. I don't have to have it" This week he got drunk on Wednesday went out with some guys to fish, and came home wasted. I, of course, went completely off on him saying I had enough and I wasn't going to do this anymore. Wasn't going to deal with this anymore ( same thing I say every time) knowingly he isn't going to remember anything the next day. This time he got mean, called me terrible names and down graded me like he had never done before. I was so heartbroken.

I told him he was going to come home one day and I wasn't going to be anywhere to be found. All my stuff would be gone and he wouldn't hear from me. I haven't done it yet but I have started looking for my own place. I feel like he doesn't take me seriously that's why he continues to do it because he knows that I'll still be there. Even though he sometimes tries to turn it all around on me. It's my fault somehow. I tried to talk to him about it tonight and he didn't want to. I recorded our fight Wednesday so that he could hear exactly how he treated me, but he refuses to listen to it. He says " keeping tell me all the terrible things I do, I know I'm a piece of sh*t, but you telling me all this stuff just makes me want to drink" I told him he hurts me because he'll never remember the things that I can't ever forget.

He has admitted that he has a problem but he refuses to go anywhere for treatment or help. He says that he can do it on his own. That all he needs is my love and support. Which I have been doing for the past 2 months and nothing has changed. It only seems to be getting worse. I have talked to his mom and sister. We have all talked to him together. He made all these promises that he would quit cold turkey because he knew he could. He made it 3 days before it was back to the same thing. Drunk 2 nights in a row. Now has not drank for 2 days but I will be gone for 4, so I'm sure a couple more nights will happen again and it's hard to tell what will go on while I'm not here.

I'm really struggling with this and my co workers have been very helpful with advice. It's really all up to me to actually do what I've said I was going to do all along. It's so difficult for me because I want to help. I know how awesome of a person he is when he isn't drinking. It's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Then I'm reminded on his drunken nights why I can't handle anymore. I'm tired of cleaning up after a child. Or a pissed in bed, couch, floor, where ever he passes out. I say I know exactly what I need to do but I don't and not even a clue where to start.

I will take any and all advice anyone can give right now because I've reached my limit. Thanks if you've stuck out through this whole post.

suki44883

Welcome to SR, tearaysea. I'm sorry you are dealing with the addiction issue, but I'm glad you found us. You will find a lot of support here for yourself. You cannot save him, but you can save yourself.

You deserve better. You have already left him for a period of time then got back together and things progressed to where they are back to the same as when you left before.

What he is today is what he is. It isn't going to change until he wants to seek sobriety for himself; not to keep you in his life. Even if he does quit drinking, starts going to meetings, etc., you would still be in a relationship with someone who could go back to his old ways at any time.

If I were in your position, I would leave and move on with my life. There is someone out there that you could be happy with and not have to deal with addiction. Addiction destroys everyone in its path, and that includes you.

ladyscribbler

I had typed out a whole long reply and the freaking computer ate it. The gist was, I also grew up in an alcoholic home and it has had a lifelong impact on all my relationships as an adult, both in my choice of partners and in my interactions with others everywhere I went.
I did a lot of the same things you're doing- tears, empty threats, all the time hoping that my ex would realize he was going to lose me and come to his senses and get sober so we could live happily ever after. Ha ha.
Alanon meetings have helped me a lot, along with individual therapy and there is also a lot of good information on this site as well. Sorry this was so short. I really did have an awesome reply all typed out, but it's late and this will have to do. Hopefully more people will be along to share with you. In the meantime, check out these links. I had no idea how much growing up in an alcoholic home affected me until I started reading around this site. Welcome. I'm glad you found us.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-children.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-us-acoa.html

dandylion

teara.....you have asked for advice.....well, lol......I have suggestions for you......

I suggest that you stop nagging him, talking about how much he drinks, threatening to leave, etc.....in other words, completely detach.....he hates your doing it...and, he doesn't believe a word you say----because he figures you don't mean what you say. Secondly----I suggest that you immediately begin alanon and read everything in the stickies at the top of the main page...beginning with "Classic Readings".....
You might read this article first..."10 ways to know if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap"!
Alanon will help you to think clearly and proactively...and regain your self confidence and self esteem...so that you are strong enough to act in your own behalf. It will buy you time and space to m ake your plans for the future. If you tell him you are going to leave....you have to be able to do it and not return!!!!!!!!!!
It sounds li ke he is a long way from wanting sobriety,,,,,,,,so you need to prepare yourself to take care of yourself....
You need to really educate yourself about this disease and how it works and how it affects those closest to the alcoholic. Knowledge is power.

As you study and learn and develop your own self.....more will be revealed and you will be able to see more clearly and with more confidence.

Please hang around and read the real life stories of the thousands, here on SR that have walked in your shoes.....

sincerely,
dandylion

LexieCat

It sounds to me as if you are asking which of your options is most likely to get him sober. The answer is that you can't get him sober. As suki said, even if you get his attention enough for him to so something (like going to meetings or getting dry for a while), recovery from alcoholism takes an all-out commitment, not simply going through the motions to keep a partner from leaving.

Al-Anon is a great idea. You're dealing with the aftermath of growing up in an alcoholic home, so it's probably hard to judge what is "normal." It might make your decision a lot clearer.

feeling-good

As you will see in the pole, I agree with the majority in saying leave ASAP and take care of yourself, and I am saying that as a nearly 3 years sober recovering alcoholic.

My now estranged husband basically expected me to pay for the entire household of him, me and my daughter and that anything he earned was spending money for himself. That was very maddening to me. I needed someone who would contribute as much as I did in terms of time and effort, if not money, to the family. I got sober via a traumatic incident (self induced) where I ended up coming out of hospital and staying with a recovering alcoholic friend for a while. I went 'home' to help look after my daughter and was then asked to leave a week or so later. I did and so now live separate from my daughter. The range of emotions throughout all of that period are vast and continue to be, but I really wish that my estranged husband had had the guts to be as decisive and demonstrative in action as he has been since I commenced recovery, whilst I was in active alcoholism.

Regardless of my story, this is your story and you should most definitely do the right thing for yourself, which is leave ASAP and look after yourself. In time (lots of time) there may be a future for the two of you (never lock the door and throw away the key) but, for now, you need to assume this is the end of the two of you as a couple.

This is just my 2 cents, so it will be interesting to hear from others. Please keep us posted on what is happening with you.

maia1234

T,
Welcome and good for you for wanting a better life then what you grew up in. You are entitled to that!! We do not have the rx remedy on how to get someone sober, but we do have some remedies on how to get ourselves some help.

I agree with everyone else his excuses are old, and he has no intention of getting help. You have two choices stay and live with it or move on in your life. He is not going to change, why would he if so someone is taking care of him. It's a very easy road, and a lot of alcholics use people.

You need to want to change very bad to pull this off. Make a plan on what you want and execute it. Sounds like you know what it is you want. You don't need to share it, you have done that and it hasn't worked.

Take care of you and see where he falls. It is truly not your responsibility to take care of him. Hugs my friend, you are very brave and can do anything you set your mind on doing.

tearaysea

I appreciate your opinion. I'm new to this site, where do I find these "stickies" to read.

AnvilheadII

The stickies are located at the top of this forum, if you click on Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
you'll find them!

dandylion

For the stickies......they are just above the threads....look for the little pictures of locks on the far left hand margin of the page......

dandylion

Mountainmanbob

I think that it is too bad that there are not more votes for,

----- Leave to show I'm serious and not return until things are different. -----

My wife did that for a short while and I have been sober since.

A Happy Queen makes for a Happy King.

MB

LexieCat

I'm glad that worked out for you guys, Bob,

But honestly, do you know that many people for whom it worked out that way? That the spouse left for a period of time, during which the alcoholic got serious soon enough that the marriage/relationship could still be repaired? Actually, it worked that way for my first husband (we weren't married yet), but I can think of a handful of the hundreds of people I've known in recovery for whom it worked out that way.

Anything is possible, but likely?

dandylion

Mountainman.....I think that you and your wife were blessed, for sure!
It does happen that way, sometimes.
I know that you are well aware that everyone has a different "bottom".......

dandylion

Mountainmanbob

I think you to be correct LexieCat.

An old friend at work used to say to me often.
"You don't know what you have until the well goes dry."
As I look back I see where he was trying to tip me off that,
if I didn't get my drinking and other things under control,
my sweet girlfriend of the time would be leaving me.

Yes, in time she was gone.

Today we actually get our water from a 900 ft, deep well.
Many of our neighbors wells have dried up.
I try to remember to thank God each day for the water.

True in many areas of life,
you don't know what you have until the well goes dry.

Many a drunk or addict has chosen there addiction over loved ones,
only to cry poor me, poor me.

Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink.

Have a nice sober day,
Bob

ladyscribbler

I didn't vote in the poll, it wasn't up when I made my original reply, but I did option B for five years, until the verbal and physical abuse escalated to the point that the children and I were no longer safe in the house. Then I did option C. Left and told him we were through unless or until he got sober.
He immediately found new enablers. For awhile it was his parents. As much as his mom seemed to be "on my side" about him quitting drinking, she rushed to take his side when I left. Once she finally had enough he found someone else. This man who was once the love of my life, with whom I share a wonderful, brilliant son whose bright blue eyes are the mirror image of his daddy's, who survived a deployment to a war zone with me, chose to marry his aunt rather than start taking care of himself or consider sobriety.
Your options are very "all or nothing" which I noticed was (and sometimes still is) a big part of my acoa thought patterns. Run away and never look back, stay and devote your life to caretaking someone who already resents your efforts to "help" him with his drinking or give him the ultimatum that many here try, with limited success- me or the booze.
Whatever you decide (I'm still not going to vote, because this is your life, and as painful as this all feels, it can actually be the catalyst for wonderful healing if you reach out for your own recovery), taking care of yourself is not something that has to be put off until your bf chooses a certain course of action. It's something you can do today, right now in fact. Look up the schedule of Alanon meetings in your area and find one to attend, call a friend to meet for coffee, take a hot bath with some candles and music or a good book.
I used to believe that my happiness and wellbeing were totally dependent on what others chose to do and say. It was nice on one hand, because nothing was ever my fault, it was all those other dysfunctional idiots who couldn't get their crap together, but one the other hand it gave away all the power I had to make changes in my life that would make ME happy.
And if the d@mn internet gremlin eats THIS post I will absolutely die.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...mber-15-a.html

LexieCat

Yeah, I didn't "vote," either. Deciding what to do is a very personal decision and, as ladyscribbler pointed out, not one that is clear-cut or as defined as your listed options make it sound.

Very seldom does one need to act immediately (physical abuse is an exception, and even then it is important to act with guidance and deliberation). Living with an alcoholic messes with everyone's head. Breathe, get yourself on solid ground, and things will become clearer.

One thing you CAN do, though, is to start taking steps that will make it easier for you to leave, if that's what you decide to do. Start separating any shared accounts, start researching places you might live, consider having a friend hold onto any papers or other things that are very important to you--that you would be heartbroken to lose. Sometimes breakups turn ugly and stuff "disappears" or is destroyed in anger.

maia1234

After reading the her story, I felt he was no where near accepting responsibility or having any remorse for his actions. I did vote and I voted to leave.

I wish that I could say that I "left" and A got sober. I am not one of the blessed ones on this forum. My AXH is still lovin' life and having a grand time. I ask God to watch over him and everyone in his way.

Carlotta

I voted a because I felt that c sounded a bit manipulative, using the fact that you are gone to get him to quit drinking.

Personally I feel that you should take care of yourself first and foremost and if your living conditions are not acceptable, then it is up to you to change them by removing yourself from the situation. You don't have to live like that.

Now that being said, nothing is cast in stone. Your partner may or may not get sober but if he does, who knows? you two might be able to work things out (once he is sober). Don't hold your breath though, Bob's story is unfortunately the exception and not the rule. Nothing I tried got my X sober.

Do what you have to do for yourself even if it is painful at the moment, take care of yourself then let go of the outcome. Life is short: how you chose to live it is truly up to you.

Anyway to SR. You will find a lot of support here.

atalose

We spend a lot of time and energy trying to control them and situations so that we can get them/us back to where times were happier and addiction wasn’t center stage.

The expression – Don’t look back you are not going that way………is so true yet we keep on trying over and over again.

The here now today that is right in front of us is our reality and if we can no longer accept the person as they are today without trying to change them back to what was then we have no business being in a relationship with them.

Sometimes when you can accept that the person we want them to be isn't coming back it makes it easier to move on.