BellJar7

Hey guys,

Today's been a bad day.

I'm feeling bad that my husband is having to work such long and exhausting hours (6 days a week, 12-14 hrs a day).

I'm feeling bad that he left a job that at least gave him a full week of Thanksgiving off so he could find a job that would allow him more time with family, and now he's working a job where he barely gets Thanksgiving day off.

I'm feeling regretful because before I started my spiral into ugliness- before the depression, the fostering, the graduate school, the drinking, back when my oldest was just a toddler and I felt like a lonely stay at home mom who wanted "more" out of life and decided to take on a TON of crap, I was so much happier. What in the world did I do to myself? I should've learned a new hobby or joined a book club. Instead, I tried to take on the world. I took on fostering kids whose trauma caused me secondary trauma. That wasn't enough- I wanted to help MORE kids, so I started grad school for a masters in counseling. To save the world.

And in the meantime, I let myself down. I let myself go. I ignored ALL of the warning signs of burn out and just kept plugging away, plodding along. All the sweet things I used to do with my little boy when my life was quieter are long gone. I don't know how he doesn't hate who I am now.

I'm fatter, I look older than I am. I smile less. I'm more burdened. I'm tired ALL the time. I don't do fun things with him like puppet shows or baking cookies. I'm only 29 and I'm already spent.

What was I thinking back then? Why didn't I see the value of the quiet happy life I led? Why did I have to go and so much to it in a pathetic attempt to define myself?

I may not have the broken relationships or the DUIs or the angry outbursts or affairs that some alcoholics have dotted on their past, but I have my own regrets, and they eat me up inside. How do you deal with that aspect of this journey? It makes me want to cry. It just feels so awful, I'm struggling to find words to describe it.

I did all of this to myself, and I'm looking back today reflecting on where I was then and I wish I could grab that young mom and say "YOUR LIFE IS PERFECT! Don't chase windmills! You don't need to save the world or have all of these degrees or accomplishments- you are fantastic just the way you are!"

But what's done is done. I overburdened myself and now I'm trying to patch myself back together. I need help though. I'm really feeling down today.

BellJar

Soberwolf

Beating yourself up is pointless gratitude for having an awesome husband who obviously loves you & you have us today like right now there are so many ppl who like you here rootin for you & have tons of faith in you

Hang in there BellJar your not a bad person

helpimalive

It sounds like everything you chose to do is actually awesome. If you did it too fast, or if you did it without caring for yourself, or if you stressed yourself out unduly because you were also abusing alcohol, those can be lessons learned and worked on. Do you really feel bad about trying to do more with your life, or is it something else? Because I can't see how wanting and working for more is bad in and of itself?

BellJar7

I think it's how hard I pushed and how much I neglected myself and how I turned to alcohol to cope with it all. I took on way too much and ignored friends and concerned family members who told me I might be taking on way too much. I also feel awful that in that time when my son was little, I was so focused on school and helping everyone else, I feel like I lost time with him that I can never get back. I'm also ashamed of my drinking in those years. There's a lot of stuff there I guess.

JD

BellJar, you do have a lot on your plate. But that can greatly enrich your life. Keep in mind you're in the early stages of sobriety where your emotions can be all over the place. Tomorrow is another day. Stay the course. You have a lot to be proud of.

Anna

I think that facing the regrets in our lives is one of the hardest parts of recovery. I know it would be nice to be able to go back and do things over with the knowledge I have now, but of course that's impossible. I try to remember that life is a journey and there are things we need to learn in this lifetime. You are learning about what is most important to you and that you need to makes yourself a priority. Those are important lessons. And, at 29 your life is still ahead of you.

tufty13

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, you did what was right for you at the time.

I'm not sure it helps to look back with regret for actually trying to achieve something.

Best we regret the things we don't do than the things we do.

trident

The above quote sounds just like me (except I'm 34!).
I'm not sure what to say, except that I'm having a down day, too, and your post really resonated with me.

I did the same - kept taking on more and more because just being a mom to a little one wasn't "enough." I started a home business, worked tirelessly getting it started, then added a new career on top of the business, and am now working more than ever, resenting the fact that I also have a home to clean, two young kids and a husband to take care of.

I think one of the hardest things I'm coming to terms with is that I felt like if I could just do more, BE more, I'd feel better. I'd like myself more, I'd like my life more, and everything would be perfect. But now, after I've done what I set out to do, now that I have MORE, it's still not enough. Hard to face that today.

Thus, that sense of "enough" has to come from a different place - an inner place.

FYI, I've been sober for the past 13 days, and I'm starting to get a little depressed about it all. In the same sense, I just hoped that everything was just going to be "better" but much of daily life is still a grind.

entropy1964

"YOUR LIFE IS PERFECT! Don't chase windmills! You don't need to save the world or have all of these degrees or accomplishments- you are fantastic just the way you are!"

Start by saying that today.