Self Defeat
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Self Defeat
Sitting here thinking about Monday when I start a new job that will require 100% of my dedication and skills, a job that I call my "Lights Camera Action" job, and I got the feeling of maybe I don't deserve it. I looked outside and saw the bright sunlight and thought, "This sunlight is not for me." I guess that is something I have told myself for years, that I don't deserve to be happy. I then pointed at my chest and said, "I love you. I love you. I love you." I felt like crying because I have to actually convince myself that I do. I have to convince myself that I matter, and that I want to take care of myself and be present in life. I'm wondering if I had the bad self concept first, or did I have the alcohol problem first? Either way, I've got to work on healing myself so that I don't allow these thoughts to overcome me.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
We are all so very worth it..........the feeling of less than keeps us drinking for a long time. It's not real, it's an illusion and our messed up brain telling us that. No one makes us happy, mad, glad or sad. We choose that state of being.
Good luck on the first day, I am sure you'll blow them away!!
Crank this up.......
Good luck on the first day, I am sure you'll blow them away!!
Crank this up.......
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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Best of luck at the new job! You don't have to learn it all in one day remember :-)
Regarding your question about whether your other issues came before/after your drinking, or whether drinking was cause or a result: It really doesn't matter so much. Simply recognizing the issue and then working to correct it is the best we can do. It's not easy to be sure, and most of us need help...but those issues can be overcome just like you are doing with your drinking issues!
Regarding your question about whether your other issues came before/after your drinking, or whether drinking was cause or a result: It really doesn't matter so much. Simply recognizing the issue and then working to correct it is the best we can do. It's not easy to be sure, and most of us need help...but those issues can be overcome just like you are doing with your drinking issues!
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Join Date: May 2013
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Oh, I can so relate. I have been sober for 10.5 months and started a new job not very long ago. I have been amazed at the speed at which I am developing better skills for coping with typical workplace problems. I really never understood before how much drinking interferes with dealing with life's stresses and challenges. Good luck and trust that you will get better and better at your new job as long as you remain sober.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Posts: 5,095
Hi CG
I'm quite sure much of my alcoholism stems from a deep lack of self worth, understanding and self love. So I completely relate and you are not alone. You are great just as you are. Be you and you will do fine in your job. I know I have to give myself a break big time....not be so hard on me. You got that job for a reason. You're doing really well and starting the process of uncovering YOU!
I'm quite sure much of my alcoholism stems from a deep lack of self worth, understanding and self love. So I completely relate and you are not alone. You are great just as you are. Be you and you will do fine in your job. I know I have to give myself a break big time....not be so hard on me. You got that job for a reason. You're doing really well and starting the process of uncovering YOU!
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From the brilliant Marianne Williamson:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I heard it said that many alcoholics think of themselves as a bad person trying to learn to be good, but actually we started off as a good person, but like a shiny new magnet tropsing through the junkyard of life we pick up a load cr*p that obscures that shiny magnet from our own view when we look at ourselves. As we work through recovery we get to drop the cr*p, piece by piece. And sometimes there's unexpectedly useful stuff in there - that we didn't even recognise or know what to do with when we were still active alcoholics.
Anyway - I'm pretty sure that you're a shiny magnet of a person, and you've been working hard to start recovering and dropping some of the old crap. You deserve it. xx
Anyway - I'm pretty sure that you're a shiny magnet of a person, and you've been working hard to start recovering and dropping some of the old crap. You deserve it. xx
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Originally Posted by Anna 
From the brilliant Marianne Williamson:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."
CG I tell myself I'm awesome I don't feel awesome but I know I'm worth it & so are you
Stay awesome XO
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
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Originally Posted by CurlyGirl1978
Sitting here thinking about Monday when I start a new job that will require 100% of my dedication and skills, a job that I call my "Lights Camera Action" job, and I got the feeling of maybe I don't deserve it. I looked outside and saw the bright sunlight and thought, "This sunlight is not for me." I guess that is something I have told myself for years, that I don't deserve to be happy. I then pointed at my chest and said, "I love you. I love you. I love you." I felt like crying because I have to actually convince myself that I do. I have to convince myself that I matter, and that I want to take care of myself and be present in life. I'm wondering if I had the bad self concept first, or did I have the alcohol problem first? Either way, I've got to work on healing myself so that I don't allow these thoughts to overcome me.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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SW, it's from "A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles" by Marianne Williamson. It's an amazing book.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Anna, that's amazing! I will read more of that.....I agree with her sentiment. God doesn't make junk, so to speak. I have learned it is actually an affront to God to self loath.......but, it so very human.
I am wondering if you've ever read the story of the sculptor - Eknath Easwaran
In ancient India lived a sculptor renowned for his life-sized statues of elephants. With trunks curled high, tusks thrust forward, thick legs trampling the earth, these carved beasts seemed to trumpet to the sky. One day, a king came to see these magnificent works and to commission statuary for his palace. Struck with wonder, he asked the sculptor, “What is the secret of your artistry?”
The sculptor quietly took his measure of the monarch and replied, “Great king, when with the aid of many men I quarry a gigantic piece of granite from the banks of the river, I have it set here in my courtyard. For a long time I do nothing but observe this block of stone and study it from every angle. I focus all my concentration on this task and won’t allow anything or anybody to disturb me. At first, I see nothing but a huge and shapeless rock sitting there, meaningless, indifferent to my purposes, utterly out of place. It seems faintly resentful at having been dragged from its cool place by the rushing waters. Then, slowly, very slowly, I begin to notice something in the substance of the rock. I feel a presentiment…an outline, scarcely discernible, shows itself to me, though others, I suspect, would perceive nothing. I watch with an open eye and a joyous, eager heart. The outline grows stronger. Oh, yes, I can see it! An elephant is stirring in there!
Sorry for the high jack OP! But it's a story that I believe is in spirit of your thread....
I am wondering if you've ever read the story of the sculptor - Eknath Easwaran
In ancient India lived a sculptor renowned for his life-sized statues of elephants. With trunks curled high, tusks thrust forward, thick legs trampling the earth, these carved beasts seemed to trumpet to the sky. One day, a king came to see these magnificent works and to commission statuary for his palace. Struck with wonder, he asked the sculptor, “What is the secret of your artistry?”
The sculptor quietly took his measure of the monarch and replied, “Great king, when with the aid of many men I quarry a gigantic piece of granite from the banks of the river, I have it set here in my courtyard. For a long time I do nothing but observe this block of stone and study it from every angle. I focus all my concentration on this task and won’t allow anything or anybody to disturb me. At first, I see nothing but a huge and shapeless rock sitting there, meaningless, indifferent to my purposes, utterly out of place. It seems faintly resentful at having been dragged from its cool place by the rushing waters. Then, slowly, very slowly, I begin to notice something in the substance of the rock. I feel a presentiment…an outline, scarcely discernible, shows itself to me, though others, I suspect, would perceive nothing. I watch with an open eye and a joyous, eager heart. The outline grows stronger. Oh, yes, I can see it! An elephant is stirring in there!
Sorry for the high jack OP! But it's a story that I believe is in spirit of your thread....
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