Feeling Guilt
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 626
Feeling Guilt
Today was my first day back to work after my trip to see my mom and what a bummer day it was.
I am so withdrawn. I also feel very down. I feel guilty because I hadn't seen my mother in 8 years and guilty because I'm the only person that didn't come and say goodbye "before" he died.
My mother looks frail and I'm worried for her. I'm trying to deal with the battle on my husbands front with his law suit. Plus my own stress at work. I'm finding my self wishing customers would just go away and leave me alone. When home, I isolate.
These are all warning signs of relapse but also signs of depression.
Death sucks.
I am so withdrawn. I also feel very down. I feel guilty because I hadn't seen my mother in 8 years and guilty because I'm the only person that didn't come and say goodbye "before" he died.
My mother looks frail and I'm worried for her. I'm trying to deal with the battle on my husbands front with his law suit. Plus my own stress at work. I'm finding my self wishing customers would just go away and leave me alone. When home, I isolate.
These are all warning signs of relapse but also signs of depression.
Death sucks.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 157
I hear you. I'm going through a ridiculous amount of guilt because of things I did and didn't do because of the bottle. I'm 6 days sober and feeling all kinds of anxiety and depression at the moment plus I already suffer with anxiety and depression to boot. have you tried AA? I've been trying to get to as many sessions as I can and they are quite helpful not just dealing with alcoholism but also the stresses of life as well. Give it a shot 
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Peanut, I hope you don't drink or relapse as it will just magnify the emotions you are experiencing, right?
I will share with you something I learned from my father regarding death. His father died from alcoholism, and my own father was "too busy" to be bothered with maintaining regular visits and communication with his mother (my grandma obviously). Then she died. He found her on the kitchen floor while stopping in on an un-announced visit to see her. He is racked with guilt until this very day. My father is living on borrowed time, he should have died from a massive heart attack several years ago. So I take his advice and try and see him regularly and tell him I love him each time I see him. I do not want him to die and regret that I neglected our relationship. Don't know if that helps you, but it is my experience. I do it because on my father's side of the family they don't go through the steady decline of health and eventually die, they go to work one day and are dead the next. So I make sure he knows I love him and care about him. Tomorrow he could be gone. Just saw him last night as a matter fact.
I will share with you something I learned from my father regarding death. His father died from alcoholism, and my own father was "too busy" to be bothered with maintaining regular visits and communication with his mother (my grandma obviously). Then she died. He found her on the kitchen floor while stopping in on an un-announced visit to see her. He is racked with guilt until this very day. My father is living on borrowed time, he should have died from a massive heart attack several years ago. So I take his advice and try and see him regularly and tell him I love him each time I see him. I do not want him to die and regret that I neglected our relationship. Don't know if that helps you, but it is my experience. I do it because on my father's side of the family they don't go through the steady decline of health and eventually die, they go to work one day and are dead the next. So I make sure he knows I love him and care about him. Tomorrow he could be gone. Just saw him last night as a matter fact.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi Peanut
I'm sorry - I understand the guit, but I really believe guilt is a wasted emotion. We can't change what happened or do it over - we can do a lot with today tho.
Maybe this is an opportunity to spend a little more time with your mom?
Are you still seeing a counsellor about all this stress and depression?
D
I'm sorry - I understand the guit, but I really believe guilt is a wasted emotion. We can't change what happened or do it over - we can do a lot with today tho.
Maybe this is an opportunity to spend a little more time with your mom?
Are you still seeing a counsellor about all this stress and depression?
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,909
I am sorry you feel so down. 
Please put one foot in front of the other and do everything you can to get yourself out of the slump - try to get outside for a walk, get good night's sleep, get some exercise, even if it's once a week. Try not to isolate.
Guilt is pointless, do what you can now. Maybe call your mother once a week?
Please put one foot in front of the other and do everything you can to get yourself out of the slump - try to get outside for a walk, get good night's sleep, get some exercise, even if it's once a week. Try not to isolate. Guilt is pointless, do what you can now. Maybe call your mother once a week?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Mi
Posts: 1,318
Hi Peanut,
I'm so very sorry to hear about your step father. You have a lot on your plate right now & I think a lot of the emotions you are feeling right now are normal for someone in your circumstance. Although, I agree that feeling guilt ( & worry ) only hurts the person feeling the guilt. But it may be a normal step when dealing w/grief. I'm not sure.
I know that you recently celebrated 100 days clean & I think you were in good spirits? What I'm trying to get at is, were you depressed before all these negative events happened in your life? Or did it hit you afterwards? Deciphering when will help you to differentiate between depression or grief. Know what I mean?
Hugs to you hun.
I'm so very sorry to hear about your step father. You have a lot on your plate right now & I think a lot of the emotions you are feeling right now are normal for someone in your circumstance. Although, I agree that feeling guilt ( & worry ) only hurts the person feeling the guilt. But it may be a normal step when dealing w/grief. I'm not sure.
I know that you recently celebrated 100 days clean & I think you were in good spirits? What I'm trying to get at is, were you depressed before all these negative events happened in your life? Or did it hit you afterwards? Deciphering when will help you to differentiate between depression or grief. Know what I mean?
Hugs to you hun.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 626
I did definitely start feeling this way when my step dad became seriously ill and while I'm waiting for them to get back to me about a biopsy, he's taken a turn for the worse and hospice had taken over. It was only a few days after that, that he passed.
I'm sure it's grief that I'm feeling but I'm not even familiar with grief.
I felt a lot better at work today but at home tonight, I'm ancey, on edge, almost feel like I'm going to freak out, over what i have no clue. I want to talk but don't know what to say, I'm just lost at the moment. My cat just had a sneezing fit and i literally almost came out of my own skin!
I think i might retire for the night and try it again in the morning.
I really do appreciate all the great support.
I'm sure it's grief that I'm feeling but I'm not even familiar with grief.
I felt a lot better at work today but at home tonight, I'm ancey, on edge, almost feel like I'm going to freak out, over what i have no clue. I want to talk but don't know what to say, I'm just lost at the moment. My cat just had a sneezing fit and i literally almost came out of my own skin!
I think i might retire for the night and try it again in the morning.
I really do appreciate all the great support.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Mi
Posts: 1,318
I'm glad your workday went more smoothly today. I know exactly what you're talking about when you say you want to talk, but have no idea what to say. My brain was fuzzy like that for quite awhile after I quit opiates & benzos. It was like there was a loose wire in my brain. I was unable to transfer my thoughts to sentences on a page. It was extremely frustrating for me & luckily improved greatly after approx. 6mos or so.
Sleep well! (( Hugs ))
Sleep well! (( Hugs ))
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