Stepping back and watching the manipulation and lies
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Stepping back and watching the manipulation and lies
My AH recently moved out and that space has given me not only my life back and my happiness, but a much clearer view of things that were going on. We had a classic exchange today that previously would've sent me into a tailspin and us into a wildly nasty exchange that would have been totally futile. Today, I decided although I was invited, I would not attend this fight. It was all in texting, but previously it would've escalated to screaming on the phone. I have got to share this with you...
Keep in mind, we own a business together, so I am still tied to him until we can untangle ourselves of that. For the time being though, we continue to run the business, which does very well.
A couple of weeks ago I found out he had taken $100 from a subcontractor and pocketed it. Never told me until I questioned him on it. He admitted he had done it a few other times. I asked him if he understood it was deceitful and at first he said yes, until a few days later, where the typical exchange of "you are making a big deal out of nothing took place. if i want $100 from a sub i'll take it." I tried to explain if I was a male business partner, that type of activity would never fly. He disagreed until marriage counseling this week and the counselor really made him see that it was more lying and deceit and basic dishonesty and it's not ok. He "got it".
On to today...I was talking to a bookkeeper for one of our subs and she explains that the electronic equipment they were giving to us for free for thanks for giving them so much work. This was a few hundred dollars worth of speakers, etc. for my AH's new bachelor pad. He was obviously not going to tell me about this. So I said to him in a text that taking money from a sub or goods is the same thing and not telling me is deceitful. At first he was like "I don't know what you're talking about". Then i had to spell it out.
His answer "Seriously, just take the freaking thing, i don't care. I don't want it. Just take it!" That's typical of him, he will never discuss anything. He will do whatever it takes to end a conversation immediately.
I said (i know i never should've taken the bait, but progress, not perfection, still a work in progress) "You are missing the point. You are running away from the conversation and conflict. We need to discuss this. We need to have honesty to work together" After all, we do own this business TOGETHER, a fact that he is missing.
Him: I'm not running away from anything. I asked him for the equipment for my apartment, he didn't charge me. That's it. Nothing else, there you go making this an issue where there isn't one. If someone gives me something I'm keeping it.
Me: Did you tell me about it?
Him: I was going to.
Me: When.
Him: Someday
Me: Whats the value?
Him: Google it.
Then comes the manipulation and the art of the spin....
Him: I am not sneaking around or being deceitful in any way. I wasn't intentionally not telling you. I was just not telling you. (huh?) You are reading into this. And I can't control your mind. I don't steal. I don't lie anymore. I just wasn't telling you. I would've eventually someday. I am a good person living my life doing good every day and would never cheat or steal. You are just looking into it"
Now I was ready to blast back about if I wasn't his wife, and he had a male business partner and had taken that equipment, that would've been so wrong. And deceitful. And stealing from the partner. And how would he feel and blah blah blah.
I stopped. I said Amy, choose peace instead of this. Stop. Focus on me. He has moved out. You don't need to do this dance anymore. And I refocused on something entirely different and had a great afternoon.
It's been 25 years of turning things around to make me look crazy so he can live his selfish existence. So done. And so glad that chapter is over. I do need to find a way to navigate the business with him, but that's the next chapter. All in time. I'm getting there.
For now, I'm very peaceful and happy and looking forward to a weekend of peace, quiet, movies, friends, my dog and some good magazines.
Keep in mind, we own a business together, so I am still tied to him until we can untangle ourselves of that. For the time being though, we continue to run the business, which does very well.
A couple of weeks ago I found out he had taken $100 from a subcontractor and pocketed it. Never told me until I questioned him on it. He admitted he had done it a few other times. I asked him if he understood it was deceitful and at first he said yes, until a few days later, where the typical exchange of "you are making a big deal out of nothing took place. if i want $100 from a sub i'll take it." I tried to explain if I was a male business partner, that type of activity would never fly. He disagreed until marriage counseling this week and the counselor really made him see that it was more lying and deceit and basic dishonesty and it's not ok. He "got it".
On to today...I was talking to a bookkeeper for one of our subs and she explains that the electronic equipment they were giving to us for free for thanks for giving them so much work. This was a few hundred dollars worth of speakers, etc. for my AH's new bachelor pad. He was obviously not going to tell me about this. So I said to him in a text that taking money from a sub or goods is the same thing and not telling me is deceitful. At first he was like "I don't know what you're talking about". Then i had to spell it out.
His answer "Seriously, just take the freaking thing, i don't care. I don't want it. Just take it!" That's typical of him, he will never discuss anything. He will do whatever it takes to end a conversation immediately.
I said (i know i never should've taken the bait, but progress, not perfection, still a work in progress) "You are missing the point. You are running away from the conversation and conflict. We need to discuss this. We need to have honesty to work together" After all, we do own this business TOGETHER, a fact that he is missing.
Him: I'm not running away from anything. I asked him for the equipment for my apartment, he didn't charge me. That's it. Nothing else, there you go making this an issue where there isn't one. If someone gives me something I'm keeping it.
Me: Did you tell me about it?
Him: I was going to.
Me: When.
Him: Someday
Me: Whats the value?
Him: Google it.
Then comes the manipulation and the art of the spin....
Him: I am not sneaking around or being deceitful in any way. I wasn't intentionally not telling you. I was just not telling you. (huh?) You are reading into this. And I can't control your mind. I don't steal. I don't lie anymore. I just wasn't telling you. I would've eventually someday. I am a good person living my life doing good every day and would never cheat or steal. You are just looking into it"
Now I was ready to blast back about if I wasn't his wife, and he had a male business partner and had taken that equipment, that would've been so wrong. And deceitful. And stealing from the partner. And how would he feel and blah blah blah.
I stopped. I said Amy, choose peace instead of this. Stop. Focus on me. He has moved out. You don't need to do this dance anymore. And I refocused on something entirely different and had a great afternoon.
It's been 25 years of turning things around to make me look crazy so he can live his selfish existence. So done. And so glad that chapter is over. I do need to find a way to navigate the business with him, but that's the next chapter. All in time. I'm getting there.
For now, I'm very peaceful and happy and looking forward to a weekend of peace, quiet, movies, friends, my dog and some good magazines.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Good for you, Amy. Hard to do, and you were very successful.
Any way you can get out of sharing a business with him? Whether or not he is or was a spouse, he does not sound like an honest business partner.
Do you have a good divorce lawyer who also has a good head on their shoulders for business issues?
ShootingStar1
Any way you can get out of sharing a business with him? Whether or not he is or was a spouse, he does not sound like an honest business partner.
Do you have a good divorce lawyer who also has a good head on their shoulders for business issues?
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Hi ShootingStar, I am working on untangling myself from it very slowly. I don't want to shoot myself in the foot financially. I need to make sure I set myself up right. I have met with an attorney and a forensic accountant. The accountant was the most helpful and put my mind at ease because I am the bookkeeper. He might be able to take kickbacks in the field, but I control the bulk of the finances. So I am in a good position there. But I am taking steps to protect myself. And it made me realize, it is so important for women to have some level of control over their finances, their own credit, etc. You never know what life will send your way and you should always be prepared.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
oh be still my heart, you said FORENSIC accountant....and i watch WAY too much ID channel!!! LOL
like it or not, from a business sense, your AH IS being dishonest and shady. however as you can see, there just ain't much you can DO about it except keep a good eye over the rest of the finances. what he doesn't seem to get is how his REPUTATION as an honest above board by the book business man will slowly be tarnished.......
you did well, that little conversation with yourself about STOP.....because the conversation had already spun into the ridiculous....how did he put it....this is classic:
I wasn't intentionally not telling you, I just was just not telling you!
long ago my 2nd ex, who was many years in recovery at the time, came home with a really nice camera. but we didn't not own a camera.
i said where did you get that?
oh, i found it.
FOUND IT?
yeah, when i went to get cash out of the ATM at the 7-11, it was sitting there on top.
did you turn it in to the clerk on duty in case the person comes back for it??
well no.
why not?
because he would have just taken it for himself anyways.......
like it or not, from a business sense, your AH IS being dishonest and shady. however as you can see, there just ain't much you can DO about it except keep a good eye over the rest of the finances. what he doesn't seem to get is how his REPUTATION as an honest above board by the book business man will slowly be tarnished.......
you did well, that little conversation with yourself about STOP.....because the conversation had already spun into the ridiculous....how did he put it....this is classic:
I wasn't intentionally not telling you, I just was just not telling you!
long ago my 2nd ex, who was many years in recovery at the time, came home with a really nice camera. but we didn't not own a camera.
i said where did you get that?
oh, i found it.
FOUND IT?
yeah, when i went to get cash out of the ATM at the 7-11, it was sitting there on top.
did you turn it in to the clerk on duty in case the person comes back for it??
well no.
why not?
because he would have just taken it for himself anyways.......
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
oh be still my heart, you said FORENSIC accountant....and i watch WAY too much ID channel!!! LOL
like it or not, from a business sense, your AH IS being dishonest and shady. however as you can see, there just ain't much you can DO about it except keep a good eye over the rest of the finances. what he doesn't seem to get is how his REPUTATION as an honest above board by the book business man will slowly be tarnished.......
you did well, that little conversation with yourself about STOP.....because the conversation had already spun into the ridiculous....how did he put it....this is classic:
I wasn't intentionally not telling you, I just was just not telling you!
long ago my 2nd ex, who was many years in recovery at the time, came home with a really nice camera. but we didn't not own a camera.
i said where did you get that?
oh, i found it.
FOUND IT?
yeah, when i went to get cash out of the ATM at the 7-11, it was sitting there on top.
did you turn it in to the clerk on duty in case the person comes back for it??
well no.
why not?
because he would have just taken it for himself anyways.......
like it or not, from a business sense, your AH IS being dishonest and shady. however as you can see, there just ain't much you can DO about it except keep a good eye over the rest of the finances. what he doesn't seem to get is how his REPUTATION as an honest above board by the book business man will slowly be tarnished.......
you did well, that little conversation with yourself about STOP.....because the conversation had already spun into the ridiculous....how did he put it....this is classic:
I wasn't intentionally not telling you, I just was just not telling you!
long ago my 2nd ex, who was many years in recovery at the time, came home with a really nice camera. but we didn't not own a camera.
i said where did you get that?
oh, i found it.
FOUND IT?
yeah, when i went to get cash out of the ATM at the 7-11, it was sitting there on top.
did you turn it in to the clerk on duty in case the person comes back for it??
well no.
why not?
because he would have just taken it for himself anyways.......
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
the ex was a really good guy - still is in fact - but that event showed me a ***** in the armor - that camera became like the other woman., like chewing on tin foil.........
i suppose after plotting my "escape" years later ( mind you i was the one who had returned to drinking, i wasn't leaving due to abuse, just miserably unhappy even tho we had a really "good" life) and i finally told him i thought we should separate, he was quiet then asked when did i plan on leaving. i said probably within a couple weeks. all he said was:
Do you want to borrow my truck?
wow, didn't see THAT coming! never think you know someone.....or know how they will respond to anything.
i suppose after plotting my "escape" years later ( mind you i was the one who had returned to drinking, i wasn't leaving due to abuse, just miserably unhappy even tho we had a really "good" life) and i finally told him i thought we should separate, he was quiet then asked when did i plan on leaving. i said probably within a couple weeks. all he said was:
Do you want to borrow my truck?
wow, didn't see THAT coming! never think you know someone.....or know how they will respond to anything.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
OMG, AnvilheadII, like chewing on tinfoil! Perfect.
Right now I am banging my head and thinking of that line about insanity being when you do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome, or however it goes. I am trying to stay in the business with STBXAH for the financial reason, but realizing it is not going to be feasible. That little icon of banging ones' head against a wall is all I can say. I haven't seen him in a week. He just had to pick up some boxes. My stomach is in knots it hasn't been in in a week.
We had a client we did work for a few months ago. The guy was a real ass and wouldn't pay his bill. My STBX goes to negotiate with the guy who agrees to an amount. We get the check and it's a fraction of what he agreed to. He owed us thousands of dollars. My STBX and I agree, as partners, to never do work for him again. My bad. I believed him.
I get my employee's time sheet today and there are 2 hours on there for work for the guy. And here is the converation with my STBX:
Me: I thought we agreed not to do work for X
Him: RIght. We haven't.
Me: Nothing? At all?
Him: What are you accusing me of lying again? All you do is accuse me of lying.
Me: Did one of our employees go there Saturday to work?
Him: Oh, yeah, that. Well he needed someone to do some work so I sent our employee. But he's going to pay him directly.
Me: Why would you help him at all? He owes us thousands of dollars.
Him: Because I see him once in a while and I'll feel bad. I mean if the guy needs some help I'll give him our employee. What's so wrong with that. Look how bent out of shape you are.
Me: Because you didn't tell me when I asked you. And why should you feel bad? He doesn't feel badly when he sees you that he didn't pay you thousands of dollars. He still asks you for help!
Him: I don't mean I felt bad. I just wanted to help the guy out.
Me: He owed us money. This family. Me. He owed us money. You don't get to make that decision. We own this business together.
Him: You are a raging lunatic. It's the same as the speakers. Take them. I can't control how you take everything to an extreme. I don't lie. I make every assurance I don't lie.
Me: Not telling information, withholding information is the same as lying. We own this business together.
Him: Just because I forget to tell you things doesn't mean I'm a liar. I just forget. You are crazy.
Got in his car and drove away. Left me standing there thinking, "Is it me? Am I crazy? Did I overreact?" OMG. GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!
Insanity. Where the heck is that little guy banging his head against the wall? That's me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok. Stop. Breathe. I don't need to do this. I choose peace instead of this. I need to take steps to get out of the business with the most profitable deal for me. That is my focus. Ok. Regrouping. Just had to vent. Love you all!!!
Right now I am banging my head and thinking of that line about insanity being when you do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome, or however it goes. I am trying to stay in the business with STBXAH for the financial reason, but realizing it is not going to be feasible. That little icon of banging ones' head against a wall is all I can say. I haven't seen him in a week. He just had to pick up some boxes. My stomach is in knots it hasn't been in in a week.
We had a client we did work for a few months ago. The guy was a real ass and wouldn't pay his bill. My STBX goes to negotiate with the guy who agrees to an amount. We get the check and it's a fraction of what he agreed to. He owed us thousands of dollars. My STBX and I agree, as partners, to never do work for him again. My bad. I believed him.
I get my employee's time sheet today and there are 2 hours on there for work for the guy. And here is the converation with my STBX:
Me: I thought we agreed not to do work for X
Him: RIght. We haven't.
Me: Nothing? At all?
Him: What are you accusing me of lying again? All you do is accuse me of lying.
Me: Did one of our employees go there Saturday to work?
Him: Oh, yeah, that. Well he needed someone to do some work so I sent our employee. But he's going to pay him directly.
Me: Why would you help him at all? He owes us thousands of dollars.
Him: Because I see him once in a while and I'll feel bad. I mean if the guy needs some help I'll give him our employee. What's so wrong with that. Look how bent out of shape you are.
Me: Because you didn't tell me when I asked you. And why should you feel bad? He doesn't feel badly when he sees you that he didn't pay you thousands of dollars. He still asks you for help!
Him: I don't mean I felt bad. I just wanted to help the guy out.
Me: He owed us money. This family. Me. He owed us money. You don't get to make that decision. We own this business together.
Him: You are a raging lunatic. It's the same as the speakers. Take them. I can't control how you take everything to an extreme. I don't lie. I make every assurance I don't lie.
Me: Not telling information, withholding information is the same as lying. We own this business together.
Him: Just because I forget to tell you things doesn't mean I'm a liar. I just forget. You are crazy.
Got in his car and drove away. Left me standing there thinking, "Is it me? Am I crazy? Did I overreact?" OMG. GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!
Insanity. Where the heck is that little guy banging his head against the wall? That's me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok. Stop. Breathe. I don't need to do this. I choose peace instead of this. I need to take steps to get out of the business with the most profitable deal for me. That is my focus. Ok. Regrouping. Just had to vent. Love you all!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 91
"Look a you!"
That was the line that my AH said to me a few weeks ago. That line was my ENOUGH point.
I think you're wise to find a way out of the business relationship. And when you're considering the profit, consider the cost of dealing with him too. How much are you willing to get paid to put up with that?
Good luck!
That was the line that my AH said to me a few weeks ago. That line was my ENOUGH point.
I think you're wise to find a way out of the business relationship. And when you're considering the profit, consider the cost of dealing with him too. How much are you willing to get paid to put up with that?
Good luck!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
For years in our marriage his excuse was either "Oh sorry" or "what's the big deal" or "I didn't mean it". We have now evolved to "that wasn't my intention". That line summed it all up for me. "It wasn't my intention to lie" "it wasn't my intention to hurt you" "it wasn't my intention to ___________" That line is the addict at heart. Never taking responsibility and trying to look like the good guy.
He really has this manipulation thing down.
After my little go round with him this morning, I prayed, I meditated, I did 30 minutes of hard cardio, came home and walked my dog. I'm going to shower, go to the dentist and spend the day taking care of me and my needs. I'm going to continue working on my financials to get me out of the business. Separating from the marriage was easier than the business. The marriage was dead for so many years that that part made no difference. Now THAT is a sad state of affairs.
He really has this manipulation thing down.
After my little go round with him this morning, I prayed, I meditated, I did 30 minutes of hard cardio, came home and walked my dog. I'm going to shower, go to the dentist and spend the day taking care of me and my needs. I'm going to continue working on my financials to get me out of the business. Separating from the marriage was easier than the business. The marriage was dead for so many years that that part made no difference. Now THAT is a sad state of affairs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi Ladies please hold me tight.. Ed is up to his old tricks.. too.. this weekend as hell.. really can I say this please. Why do men feel they can lie cheat and steal and not be found out when connected to a Real Mom.. I have been in tears for the last hour... his son has dumped the wife of 9 years and the 3 kids.. all little . for this better sugar momma.. and that is what Ed called this woman. oh and Anne the mother of his grandkids is the cheating bitch. I am so tired and just sad.. too much just too much. love to you all ladies and so many prayers for I really do fear things are going to get so much worse. so much worse for the whole world... ardy
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Yeah you learn to just Not say anything to further engage the process.
When I threw my ex out, her sister called me (also an alcoholic), and laid the whole I'm the a**hole, how could I do this to her ....etc. etc....etc. I said, it's simple, If she couldn't stop drinking and running around, we couldn't be together anymore. Then you hear the stories that the family hears.....OMG the lies they heard.
Now I could have chosen to engage in addressing those lies. But by that point, 2 things had happened. She was out of my house and life, and I had learned that if I spent all my energy trying to defend myself, I'm right back in the middle of the fight again.
And second. You learn that they will lie to family, garnering support, and it doesn't matter what you say, they are going to believe what they want.
When I threw my ex out, her sister called me (also an alcoholic), and laid the whole I'm the a**hole, how could I do this to her ....etc. etc....etc. I said, it's simple, If she couldn't stop drinking and running around, we couldn't be together anymore. Then you hear the stories that the family hears.....OMG the lies they heard.
Now I could have chosen to engage in addressing those lies. But by that point, 2 things had happened. She was out of my house and life, and I had learned that if I spent all my energy trying to defend myself, I'm right back in the middle of the fight again.
And second. You learn that they will lie to family, garnering support, and it doesn't matter what you say, they are going to believe what they want.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Amy,
This gives me chills!! My xah and I owned a restaurant for 23 years, sold it and 2 years later got the divorce. I was dealing with the same shxt!! It's amazing that you question him and he gets so defensive, or "forgot". What a joke. So frustrating. You should tell him that two people can play his games. If he doesn't want to come clean on stuff you won't either and you are the "bookkeeper". That will make him start thinking.... but they will never change!!
Good luck dealing with him on the divorce!!
This gives me chills!! My xah and I owned a restaurant for 23 years, sold it and 2 years later got the divorce. I was dealing with the same shxt!! It's amazing that you question him and he gets so defensive, or "forgot". What a joke. So frustrating. You should tell him that two people can play his games. If he doesn't want to come clean on stuff you won't either and you are the "bookkeeper". That will make him start thinking.... but they will never change!!
Good luck dealing with him on the divorce!!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I completely relate Amy, I absolutely hated dealing with AH in business. Business requires logic & he could never bring that valuable piece to the table so long as he was more concerned with his addiction & associated BS.
He once tried to convince me that lies by omission wasn't a "real thing" - that was one of those conversations that made me honestly question my sanity.
I found this to be a cop-out when it's used repeatedly & with no effort to actually change the "miscommunication". Definite manipulation tactic right there because you can make it sound apologetic without apologizing for anything at all. Now, my response is *always*:
"I don't see your intentions, I see your actions... that's what we're discussing here."
He once tried to convince me that lies by omission wasn't a "real thing" - that was one of those conversations that made me honestly question my sanity.
"it wasn't my intention to ___________"
"I don't see your intentions, I see your actions... that's what we're discussing here."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
FireSprite and Maia thank you so much for understanding the insanity involved in owning a business with an AH. It is beyond comprehension. Anything I try to discuss is met with him screaming "leave me alone" or hanging up or driving away. I constantly say I am a 50% owner in this company so my ass is on the line here. He doesn't get it. He just wants to do whatever he wants to do and me to leave him alone.
Firesprite I am memorizing that line. I've been practicing it since you posted it. It is perfect. I don't see your intentions, I see your actions...that's what we are discussing here. It is great.
My problem is, besides the obvious nightmare of owning a business with the STBAXH, is how to get out. The business is quite profitable and I don't want to shoot myself in the foot getting out. But like maia pointed out, how much is this aggravation worth. But I also don't want to get out, and not have enough money and he walks away laughing all the way to the bank. And which comes first? Ending the business partnership or going through with the divorce?
Why does he need to make everything so difficult? And such a challenge? I can question him on NOTHING without being screamed at to leave him alone. Like I'm a nag!!
I was listening to my Audible on Detachment and Letting Go this morning. It is really hard because if we weren't in business I could detach more easily. But since it's the business and my financial future at stake, i don't have that liberty, to let him make decisions and suffer the consequences because I'll suffer right along with him for something I had no control over.
He left work early today to workout and go to AA. His priorities are working out and AA. That's it.
Like I said, his leaving the home and the marriage was the easy part. That part of my life is way better. But this business end is causing a real nightmare. I have to interact with him all day. It's getting to be too hard.
Firesprite I am memorizing that line. I've been practicing it since you posted it. It is perfect. I don't see your intentions, I see your actions...that's what we are discussing here. It is great.
My problem is, besides the obvious nightmare of owning a business with the STBAXH, is how to get out. The business is quite profitable and I don't want to shoot myself in the foot getting out. But like maia pointed out, how much is this aggravation worth. But I also don't want to get out, and not have enough money and he walks away laughing all the way to the bank. And which comes first? Ending the business partnership or going through with the divorce?
Why does he need to make everything so difficult? And such a challenge? I can question him on NOTHING without being screamed at to leave him alone. Like I'm a nag!!
I was listening to my Audible on Detachment and Letting Go this morning. It is really hard because if we weren't in business I could detach more easily. But since it's the business and my financial future at stake, i don't have that liberty, to let him make decisions and suffer the consequences because I'll suffer right along with him for something I had no control over.
He left work early today to workout and go to AA. His priorities are working out and AA. That's it.
Like I said, his leaving the home and the marriage was the easy part. That part of my life is way better. But this business end is causing a real nightmare. I have to interact with him all day. It's getting to be too hard.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FindingAmy.....I have never been in a family business.....but....I am in the medical profession and I am very familiar with the intricacies of multi=physician practices. these partnerships are soooo much like marriages!!
Actually, most do spend more time with their work p artner than their marital partner.....
I think family businesses are really hard.....
I feel for you.....
dandylion
Actually, most do spend more time with their work p artner than their marital partner.....
I think family businesses are really hard.....
I feel for you.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Amy,
I feel that being in a business with your partner is what made me stay married so long. What was I going to do?
You have 2 options, stay working there and deal with him or have him pay you out and move forward. You think that the business is going to run the same when you are gone? Wrong. He will be in charge and eventually he won't care. It will be to much work for one person and it will go to hxll. So if it was me I would get paid off for 1/2 the biz now and run.
If he is going to AA , is he working the steps. Because sounds like he is belligerent toward you. I would have minimal contact, maybe only through email. I have been there and it was awful.
I am sorry!!
I feel that being in a business with your partner is what made me stay married so long. What was I going to do?
You have 2 options, stay working there and deal with him or have him pay you out and move forward. You think that the business is going to run the same when you are gone? Wrong. He will be in charge and eventually he won't care. It will be to much work for one person and it will go to hxll. So if it was me I would get paid off for 1/2 the biz now and run.
If he is going to AA , is he working the steps. Because sounds like he is belligerent toward you. I would have minimal contact, maybe only through email. I have been there and it was awful.
I am sorry!!
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by FindingAmy
On to today...I was talking to a bookkeeper for one of our subs and she explains that the electronic equipment they were giving to us for free for thanks for giving them so much work. This was a few hundred dollars worth of speakers, etc. for my AH's new bachelor pad.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Have you consulted with an attorney & considered getting the company appraised in order to sell him your shares back over a structured payment plan? It may be smart to consider taking a payout while the company is still profitable & it may also give you time to baby step away from those responsibilities into another business or job. (as well as report the income in stages over time instead of in a large, taxable chunk)
Honestly, I'd have to step back & evaluate how long I could work with him in this state & try to assess how much of my time was spent chasing his BS while he loaned out employees on his way out to the gym, lol. Seriously - how long could I sustain things in day-to-day operations & not grow more resentful?
I would examine to see if the business relationship was allowing us to continue the same dysfunctional dance as our marriage - he's obviously not showing you the same respect he would show a business partner who is not his wife/ex.
There's a lot to consider & a lot on the line when you think about the long-term ramifications of things like taxes, payroll trust, liability all around. The things you've found & talked about here may just be the tip of the iceberg of what you'll turn up now that you're paying attention differently.
You may want to talk with someone in addition to a divorce attorney, someone who specializes in the business side of things like a tax/corporate attorney. At the very least it's worth reviewing/redrafting things like your corporate documents/partnership agreements with an attorney present so you can clearly state some professional boundaries & business expectations. You can't ever control him, even as a business partner, but you CAN take whatever legal steps are available to protect yourself as much as possible without giving up your rights to an asset you've worked just as hard to grow.
(((((hugs))))) This stuff is so difficult!
Honestly, I'd have to step back & evaluate how long I could work with him in this state & try to assess how much of my time was spent chasing his BS while he loaned out employees on his way out to the gym, lol. Seriously - how long could I sustain things in day-to-day operations & not grow more resentful?
I would examine to see if the business relationship was allowing us to continue the same dysfunctional dance as our marriage - he's obviously not showing you the same respect he would show a business partner who is not his wife/ex.
There's a lot to consider & a lot on the line when you think about the long-term ramifications of things like taxes, payroll trust, liability all around. The things you've found & talked about here may just be the tip of the iceberg of what you'll turn up now that you're paying attention differently.
You may want to talk with someone in addition to a divorce attorney, someone who specializes in the business side of things like a tax/corporate attorney. At the very least it's worth reviewing/redrafting things like your corporate documents/partnership agreements with an attorney present so you can clearly state some professional boundaries & business expectations. You can't ever control him, even as a business partner, but you CAN take whatever legal steps are available to protect yourself as much as possible without giving up your rights to an asset you've worked just as hard to grow.
(((((hugs))))) This stuff is so difficult!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Thanks all for your suggestions and support. FireSprite this line:
I would examine to see if the business relationship was allowing us to continue the same dysfunctional dance as our marriage - he's obviously not showing you the same respect he would show a business partner who is not his wife/ex.
That's the problem and where I am really getting stuck. I'm trying so hard to not do that same dance, as it was and is so dysfunctional. And the mother/child relationship with him can't seem to stop as he keeps doing stupid things that require my fixing, for my financial bottom line.
I am spending the weekend getting everything in order and calling the lawyer again to review. I think redrafting the papers is also a good idea. Thanks so much. This has got to start getting easier at some point.
I would examine to see if the business relationship was allowing us to continue the same dysfunctional dance as our marriage - he's obviously not showing you the same respect he would show a business partner who is not his wife/ex.
That's the problem and where I am really getting stuck. I'm trying so hard to not do that same dance, as it was and is so dysfunctional. And the mother/child relationship with him can't seem to stop as he keeps doing stupid things that require my fixing, for my financial bottom line.
I am spending the weekend getting everything in order and calling the lawyer again to review. I think redrafting the papers is also a good idea. Thanks so much. This has got to start getting easier at some point.
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