Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse and sometimes worse
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Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse and sometimes worse
Has anyone ever been a victim of emotional abuse? If you ask the average person about emotional abuse they may either look at you clueless or think that perhaps only emotionally weak people can fall victim to such a thing. Although I have been a victim of it for the past few years of my life I never even knew what it was until I started doing extensive reading on the psychology and behavior of alcoholics.
Emotional abuse is so subtle, hard to detect and sometimes hard to describe in words. I knew for years there were these mind manipulation games bring played but I had a hard time putting everything into words....now I know exactly what was going on! When I would tell my AH's mom that when he goes on his drinking/anger/arguing tirades that I would have to go stay with my parents because I was stressed (to the point where I was shaking at times), not sleeping or eating properly and it was difficult for me to function (work, cook, clean, take care of our children). She would tell me that I can't work my marriage out by running to my parent's house, when I would tell her about me picking up his slack with the kids she would tell me that I'm complaining about being a mom! I told her that I got rest at my parents and I got help with the children. She asked how I was able to rest at my parent's but not at home and I told her that I constantly lived in fear. She said "how, does he physically abuse you"? I told her no, but she still couldn't understand. I wish I had then all the information that I have now, I could've given it to her to read. Not that she would've believed any of it anyway but it was just so hard to describe at the time.
It may sound crazy but I feel like I have ptsd, I've been traumatized so bad by the emotional abuse. The good thing is that I recognize it and I do see a therapist regularly and attend al-anon when I can.
Has anyone been affected as severely by emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse is so subtle, hard to detect and sometimes hard to describe in words. I knew for years there were these mind manipulation games bring played but I had a hard time putting everything into words....now I know exactly what was going on! When I would tell my AH's mom that when he goes on his drinking/anger/arguing tirades that I would have to go stay with my parents because I was stressed (to the point where I was shaking at times), not sleeping or eating properly and it was difficult for me to function (work, cook, clean, take care of our children). She would tell me that I can't work my marriage out by running to my parent's house, when I would tell her about me picking up his slack with the kids she would tell me that I'm complaining about being a mom! I told her that I got rest at my parents and I got help with the children. She asked how I was able to rest at my parent's but not at home and I told her that I constantly lived in fear. She said "how, does he physically abuse you"? I told her no, but she still couldn't understand. I wish I had then all the information that I have now, I could've given it to her to read. Not that she would've believed any of it anyway but it was just so hard to describe at the time.
It may sound crazy but I feel like I have ptsd, I've been traumatized so bad by the emotional abuse. The good thing is that I recognize it and I do see a therapist regularly and attend al-anon when I can.
Has anyone been affected as severely by emotional abuse?
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I've worked professionally with many victims of horrific abuse (the physical kind) and many of them told me the emotional abuse took longer to heal from.
I've experienced relatively mild emotional abuse, but interestingly never from the alcoholics in my life.
I've experienced relatively mild emotional abuse, but interestingly never from the alcoholics in my life.
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I grew up in with one alcoholic parent and one codependent parent. Emotional abuse was pretty much par for the course.
I would be very very careful about quantifying or comparing types of abuse and how one is worse or better than another, especially here on a board where feelings are sometimes very very raw and real life support and understanding is very scarce. Abuse is abuse and all of it is unimaginably horrific, we don't have to compare our experiences. We're all in it together.
I am very glad you are seeking assistance with dealing with the trauma of your experience. It took me years to recognize my dysfunctional family as emotionally abusive and even more years to deal with the aftermath.
I would be very very careful about quantifying or comparing types of abuse and how one is worse or better than another, especially here on a board where feelings are sometimes very very raw and real life support and understanding is very scarce. Abuse is abuse and all of it is unimaginably horrific, we don't have to compare our experiences. We're all in it together.
I am very glad you are seeking assistance with dealing with the trauma of your experience. It took me years to recognize my dysfunctional family as emotionally abusive and even more years to deal with the aftermath.
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Emotional abuse is awful. Devastating. It's taken me years to begin to heal from it. And my ex continues abusing. It's just how he is. I guess I just didn't see it it want to see it. Whether it's emotional, physical or whatever, abuse is abuse. All you can do is work on you-and put up boundaries. As an aside, I would highly recommend not talking with his mother or expecting any kind of support from her. Most likely that was a dysfunctional family and she will probably not care what you say about her baby boy or give any thought that what you're saying is true. Just my advice from having been there!
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I was severely affected by emotional abuse. I was diagnosed with c-ptsd, anxiety attacks and panic attacks. I was also physically abused. Both were awful.
It's the "walking on eggshells" all the time, never knowing what will set them off. I know, with me at times I wanted him to hit me because then things would end there. Abuse is abuse and neither of these made me feel safe in my own home. The "Honeymoon period" just started sooner, if he hit me.
Emotional abuse does a lot of damage. This bought me back in time, and I can't even or don't want to think about this anymore. I am divorced, and still working on my issues.
It's the "walking on eggshells" all the time, never knowing what will set them off. I know, with me at times I wanted him to hit me because then things would end there. Abuse is abuse and neither of these made me feel safe in my own home. The "Honeymoon period" just started sooner, if he hit me.
Emotional abuse does a lot of damage. This bought me back in time, and I can't even or don't want to think about this anymore. I am divorced, and still working on my issues.
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Originally Posted by Forourgirls 
Emotional abuse is awful. Devastating. It's taken me years to begin to heal from it. And my ex continues abusing. It's just how he is. I guess I just didn't see it it want to see it. Whether it's emotional, physical or whatever, abuse is abuse. All you can do is work on you-and put up boundaries. As an aside, I would highly recommend not talking with his mother or expecting any kind of support from her. Most likely that was a dysfunctional family and she will probably not care what you say about her baby boy or give any thought that what you're saying is true. Just my advice from having been there!
Yeah, I learned the way! Me and his mom are not on great terms anymore as of about 2 months ago when she kept badgering me to stay with him...calling me cruel for wanting to leave him after he started going to church (although I had decided to already leave weeks before he started church). She too is very manipulative and when I call her on it, she will never admit it. When I told her we weren't ready to get married because of the drinking, constant arguing, etc. She told me that I need to marry him because he's drinking and driving every day, he's going to kill himself and when he dies me and the children will have nothing because his pension will go to her and if we get married at least we will have something when he dies. Now she keeps trying to manipulate me with "you made the vow for better or worse". Huh? You were the one coercing me to get married for the WRONG reason and now you're trying to manipulate me to stay for the wrong reasons. She now keeps telling me that I said "she made me get married" when I NEVER said that....what I said was she is very manipulative and continues to be. I'm responsible for my own actions put she likes to pull a lot of string and then sit down and act like she didn't!!
Sorry for the rambling but I needed that. I'm so fed up with his mother too and I don't know why I give her so much of my energy.
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I've never been physically abused when there wasn't some kind of emotional/psychological abuse attached to it. in my experience, the physical abuse was an escalation from emotional abuse, psychological intimidation, and threats. the physical abuse occurred in separate incidents, while the emotional abuse was almost constant. I think that's why it is so difficult to heal from emotional abuse- it tends to be continuous whereas physical has a beginning and an end per incident. this is just in my experience though. both are incredibly damaging and difficult to heal from without support.
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From my experience, the difference between emotional and physical abuse (I don't think either really have a leg up on each other as far as the pain you go through) is that emotional abuse doesn't leave physical scarring or marks like physical. Physical abuse can leave a person black and blue, and the outside world can see it and get it. Emotional abuse is inside of you, and the reactions you have that can be seen by others are coming from you - so they are seen as exclusive of that emotional abuse.
Most people have likely been subjected to acute cases of emotional abuse. A single event doesn't necessarily do damage, so it's hard for the average person who's only been acutely affected by emotional abuse to see it as a serious issue. It's only when you're chronically abused emotionally that the scarring and long-term pain develops.
Most people would think, why would you put up with it, because of that limited exposure to it. However, when a partner or someone close does this to you, it usually begins subtly, or starts to come out once you've formed a real bond with them. So it's not as easy to detach from than a less familiar person outwardly extolling emotional abuse on someone.
It's compounded when you're in a dysfunctional relationship or you grew up in a dysfunctional relationship. If it's what you were taught, then it's normal. If it subtly grows within a relationship, then it becomes normal. But it's oh so hard to explain how it grows and how we end up being on the receiving end of it repeatedly.
Most people have likely been subjected to acute cases of emotional abuse. A single event doesn't necessarily do damage, so it's hard for the average person who's only been acutely affected by emotional abuse to see it as a serious issue. It's only when you're chronically abused emotionally that the scarring and long-term pain develops.
Most people would think, why would you put up with it, because of that limited exposure to it. However, when a partner or someone close does this to you, it usually begins subtly, or starts to come out once you've formed a real bond with them. So it's not as easy to detach from than a less familiar person outwardly extolling emotional abuse on someone.
It's compounded when you're in a dysfunctional relationship or you grew up in a dysfunctional relationship. If it's what you were taught, then it's normal. If it subtly grows within a relationship, then it becomes normal. But it's oh so hard to explain how it grows and how we end up being on the receiving end of it repeatedly.
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Originally Posted by amy55
I was severely affected by emotional abuse. I was diagnosed with c-ptsd, anxiety attacks and panic attacks. I was also physically abused. Both were awful.
It's the "walking on eggshells" all the time, never knowing what will set them off. I know, with me at times I wanted him to hit me because then things would end there. Abuse is abuse and neither of these made me feel safe in my own home. The "Honeymoon period" just started sooner, if he hit me.
Emotional abuse does a lot of damage. This bought me back in time, and I can't even or don't want to think about this anymore. I am divorced, and still working on my issues.
It's the "walking on eggshells" all the time, never knowing what will set them off. I know, with me at times I wanted him to hit me because then things would end there. Abuse is abuse and neither of these made me feel safe in my own home. The "Honeymoon period" just started sooner, if he hit me.
Emotional abuse does a lot of damage. This bought me back in time, and I can't even or don't want to think about this anymore. I am divorced, and still working on my issues.
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Originally Posted by minime13
From my experience, the difference between emotional and physical abuse (I don't think either really have a leg up on each other as far as the pain you go through) is that emotional abuse doesn't leave physical scarring or marks like physical. Physical abuse can leave a person black and blue, and the outside world can see it and get it. Emotional abuse is inside of you, and the reactions you have that can be seen by others are coming from you - so they are seen as exclusive of that emotional abuse.
Most people have likely been subjected to acute cases of emotional abuse. A single event doesn't necessarily do damage, so it's hard for the average person who's only been acutely affected by emotional abuse to see it as a serious issue. It's only when you're chronically abused emotionally that the scarring and long-term pain develops.
Most people would think, why would you put up with it, because of that limited exposure to it. However, when a partner or someone close does this to you, it usually begins subtly, or starts to come out once you've formed a real bond with them. So it's not as easy to detach from than a less familiar person outwardly extolling emotional abuse on someone.
It's compounded when you're in a dysfunctional relationship or you grew up in a dysfunctional relationship. If it's what you were taught, then it's normal. If it subtly grows within a relationship, then it becomes normal. But it's oh so hard to explain how it grows and how we end up being on the receiving end of it repeatedly.
Most people have likely been subjected to acute cases of emotional abuse. A single event doesn't necessarily do damage, so it's hard for the average person who's only been acutely affected by emotional abuse to see it as a serious issue. It's only when you're chronically abused emotionally that the scarring and long-term pain develops.
Most people would think, why would you put up with it, because of that limited exposure to it. However, when a partner or someone close does this to you, it usually begins subtly, or starts to come out once you've formed a real bond with them. So it's not as easy to detach from than a less familiar person outwardly extolling emotional abuse on someone.
It's compounded when you're in a dysfunctional relationship or you grew up in a dysfunctional relationship. If it's what you were taught, then it's normal. If it subtly grows within a relationship, then it becomes normal. But it's oh so hard to explain how it grows and how we end up being on the receiving end of it repeatedly.
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Originally Posted by Dimndaruf
Thank and I'm sorry you had to endure that, I'm sorry if I rehashed any feelings that were there. I'm glad that you got yourself out of that and are moving on.
Don't worry about rehashing anything for me. It's really good for abuse survivors to speak out, so that others know the pain we went through
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
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To answer your question a little better, I think my ptsd, anxiety attacks, and panic attacks were due more to the emotional abuse. That was day in and day out. I could probably have been able to answer this question better if I didn't have contact with my ex this week over pension divisions. (lol)
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Dim-Hun, I could write a book about my ex mother in laws dysfunction, lies, manipulations and her career of playing the victim and raising little alcoholics (i.e. Her kids). My ex mil is still right there with her baby boy covering for him and lying for him-I'm not surprised by this at all-that's the family dynamic. It is truly disturbing to say the least. Don't give it any of your energy. Just keep following the truth and the path that God lays out for you-and you'll be just fine 
Peace, friend!
Peace, friend!
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Originally Posted by Dimndaruf
Has anyone been affected as severely by emotional abuse?
By the time I finally filed for divorce, I was seeing a therapist who diagnosed PTSD, depression and anxiety. As we were discussing it, I asked her, "But what if I'm wrong? What if I'm remembering everything wrong?" About what? "About what our life was like." We ended up going back over everything we'd already discussed for our next few sessions, before I would accept that I would benefit from treatment for PTSD.
I'm sorry that your MIL is less than supportive of you. What I learned from dealing with AXH's family is that it's best not to try to talk with them about it. The same situations that shaped AXH into an abusive partner, or influenced how he acts in relationships, shaped the rest of his family, too. And as long as they were actively avoiding AXH's addictions, there was no way they'd possibly want to address his abusive behavior -- or even see it as a problem.
If you think you might have PTSD, you should talk with your therapist about it. Even if it turns out not to be the diagnosis, she could help you find strategies to deal with the anxiety and fearful feelings.
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Originally Posted by theuncertainty
Yes. Most of the abuse handed out by AXH was emotional. He was/is a master of gaslighting and the attenuated push and pull of playing out just enough 'love' and being sorry to push the line of abuse a little further back, again, and again. There was sexual abuse and a few instances of physical abuse, but so much more intimidation and control and emotional and mental abuse. I was so used to being subtly told I was wrong about how something went down, that I came to *know* that I needed to doubt everything I did. I had to second guess everything.
By the time I finally filed for divorce, I was seeing a therapist who diagnosed PTSD, depression and anxiety. As we were discussing it, I asked her, "But what if I'm wrong? What if I'm remembering everything wrong?" About what? "About what our life was like." We ended up going back over everything we'd already discussed for our next few sessions, before I would accept that I would benefit from treatment for PTSD.
I'm sorry that your MIL is less than supportive of you. What I learned from dealing with AXH's family is that it's best not to try to talk with them about it. The same situations that shaped AXH into an abusive partner, or influenced how he acts in relationships, shaped the rest of his family, too. And as long as they were actively avoiding AXH's addictions, there was no way they'd possibly want to address his abusive behavior -- or even see it as a problem.
If you think you might have PTSD, you should talk with your therapist about it. Even if it turns out not to be the diagnosis, she could help you find strategies to deal with the anxiety and fearful feelings.
By the time I finally filed for divorce, I was seeing a therapist who diagnosed PTSD, depression and anxiety. As we were discussing it, I asked her, "But what if I'm wrong? What if I'm remembering everything wrong?" About what? "About what our life was like." We ended up going back over everything we'd already discussed for our next few sessions, before I would accept that I would benefit from treatment for PTSD.
I'm sorry that your MIL is less than supportive of you. What I learned from dealing with AXH's family is that it's best not to try to talk with them about it. The same situations that shaped AXH into an abusive partner, or influenced how he acts in relationships, shaped the rest of his family, too. And as long as they were actively avoiding AXH's addictions, there was no way they'd possibly want to address his abusive behavior -- or even see it as a problem.
If you think you might have PTSD, you should talk with your therapist about it. Even if it turns out not to be the diagnosis, she could help you find strategies to deal with the anxiety and fearful feelings.
As far as my in laws.....they know he has a problem, we've had wit downs with both of our families, they've talked til they were blue in the face. His mother tends to place a lot of blame on me and tells me things like "you met him and he drank, you both drank, you're both alcoholics", "why did you marry him if you knew he was a drunk", "why did you have children with him", you knew what you were getting etc. That's the part that really seems to boil my blood...the blame she's placing on me. The truth is we both did drink when we met, his progressed and mine didn't. How was I to know years later that he would start binge drinking and missing a week of work at a time. Of course, if I saw this behavior I would have run for the hills! I know some of it comes from her own guilt as a mother but it still doesn't make me feel any better.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I would be very very careful about quantifying or comparing types of abuse and how one is worse or better than another, especially here on a board where feelings are sometimes very very raw and real life support and understanding is very scarce. Abuse is abuse and all of it is unimaginably horrific, we don't have to compare our experiences. We're all in it together.
It's also worth noting that verbal and emotional abuse can cause some very real physical symptoms, including headaches, digestive problems, and sleep disorders. Not to mention depression, PTSD, eating disorders, substance abuse problems, suicidality, etc.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
I don't see it as comparing one person's abuse to another's--I think the point is that it's very easy for those who experience "only" verbal or emotional abuse to minimize or discount it as not being "that bad."
It's also worth noting that verbal and emotional abuse can cause some very real physical symptoms, including headaches, digestive problems, and sleep disorders. Not to mention depression, PTSD, eating disorders, substance abuse problems, suicidality, etc.
It's also worth noting that verbal and emotional abuse can cause some very real physical symptoms, including headaches, digestive problems, and sleep disorders. Not to mention depression, PTSD, eating disorders, substance abuse problems, suicidality, etc.
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Oh, boy
I believe trauma and addiction go hand-in-hand. PTSD blocks our naturally occurring pathways to EMOTIONAL Intelligence.
If we can't understand what we feel, we cannot act authentically.
If I react according to my past I cannot get what I need in the present tense.
Abuse has changed the way I under/over react, even if it's not visible on the outside, I could be screaming inside. I've had some weird reactions to small circumstances in public and freaked out later at home (nest; "Trust Tree")...my little clue I might need to delve deeper with my friend, therapist, [group], etc.
I believe Any abuse done, (and you do know if you were abused in any way; trust yourself!! and get support!!) , causes Survival Tactics to emerge.
I am bent on making healthy choices, now that I am in a safe environment. Even knowing that---
Q: Does anyone ever feel completely safe?
I don't! But I trudge on anyway...
Q: Who knows what "appropriate feelings" are in any situation?!?!
Q: If I don't figure myself out, for real, who will I attract into my life?
If we can't understand what we feel, we cannot act authentically.
If I react according to my past I cannot get what I need in the present tense.
Abuse has changed the way I under/over react, even if it's not visible on the outside, I could be screaming inside. I've had some weird reactions to small circumstances in public and freaked out later at home (nest; "Trust Tree")...my little clue I might need to delve deeper with my friend, therapist, [group], etc.
I believe Any abuse done, (and you do know if you were abused in any way; trust yourself!! and get support!!) , causes Survival Tactics to emerge.
I am bent on making healthy choices, now that I am in a safe environment. Even knowing that---
Q: Does anyone ever feel completely safe?
I don't! But I trudge on anyway...
Q: Who knows what "appropriate feelings" are in any situation?!?!
Q: If I don't figure myself out, for real, who will I attract into my life?
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I sometimes think that one thing should be kept in mind. What could be enabling in a relationship with an alcoholic, could be considered survival tactics for a "target". Not saying that I wasn't an enabler, but saying that sometimes enabling was a survival tactic.
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