New to this.. here's a story
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Brooklyn
Posts: 4
New to this.. here's a story
Hello Room,
I hope this isn't too tl;dr, but it would be nice to get a more complete version of this story off my chest.
Firstly, I'm happy to find this place. Was looking for a similar scenario as the old Bluelight.ru that my ex used to post on for her mental illnesses and drug use. Fortunately, I don't have as far as I know any issues with drugs, and alcohol issues were not really the norm there..
By way of introduction, I've been drinking for many years, some heavier than others.. Never thought of it as a problem until recent months.. I even took a year off (for the post part) when I was misdiagnosed with chronic pancreatitis, but then started again a bit harder when they cleared me a year later and said my liver function was fine too. That was about three years back I guess now.
I think I realized I had a problem a few months ago, tapered back a little bit, then back to full swing again shortly after fulled by a bit of depression. Kept thinking, oh some really great people did this forever, so no big deal.. listening to a lot of Townes Van Zandt and reading a lot of Hemingway at the time.
What got me there, or here, is my best friend's wedding last Saturday. A woman who is not only my best friend, but also my ex mentioned above, and my business partner. Super beautiful wedding and can't be more happy for them. Needless to say I fell off a chair at the W during the post-reception party and don't remember much else. Woke up the next morning feeling relaxed until I opened my eyes, had a massive panic attack where I couldn't walk or speak. I took the rest of the Xanax that I had left (about 1.5 MG I think) and started walking from my apartment in Bushwick to Rockaway Beach telling myself the whole way that I had to die. It was either that or jumping from the GW Bridge which would offer a nice view of the New Jersey Palisades on the way down. Instead of opting for the Hudson River School approach I decided on following in the late, great Jeremy Blake's footsteps by going into the ocean. Also, it seemed that if I decided to, I could pull back more readily, which is also the reason I walked instead of taking a cab or train.
I arrived to the first causeway out to Rockaway after a couple hours walk and texted a friend who I had visited last spring who at the time was on suicide watch at a hospital upstate after a bender. Asked him if he wanted to meet me for a drink at whatever bar was closest to the beach at the end of whatever street I was walking down. His mother was about to go into her last round of chemo treatment within the hour, so I told him never mind. He apparently messaged my most recent ex, who I had worked with and broken off with because she was abusive, who then called me and said she would come to meet me. About an hour later I was exhausted from walking and I knew she was getting closer. I made it to Rockaway, but not the ocean at the end of the road. I stopped in at a local bar and ordered a beer. She showed up right after I had ordered my second. Barely able to speak still, I told her what was going on and it was clear that I wasn't dying in the ocean that day.. she would have called the police over it even.
We drove back to the city and went to an afternoon cocktail party at a friends place and then headed to a later brunch. Both places I had 2-3 drinks. Went with our friend back to her place and ordered a couple bottles of wine. I passed out there and crashed in her guest room for a couple of nights until I didn't feel so bad.
I think it was around two days ago now that I calmed down. I had a drink at an auction that night. Told myself that a soda with a small bit of Capari was fine. Took a couple of sips out of my apparent savior ex's glass after mine was over because I told myself not to get another. After the auction closed, she invited me to eat with her before she went to another party. I told her that I couldn't go out without drinking. So she drove me near by the train to my house and we talked for ten minutes and I left.
Had a nice chat on the phone with the girl I'm talking to now and went home.
Now I'm here.
Have my first meditation appointment this morning at 10, and a meeting with a psychologist at 12:15 this afternoon to get some more Xanax, if he'll let me have it.
Been going through a bunch of stress since then (hence the above). Eyes are little yellow but I think they are getting better. Face is pretty red since Sunday and I hope it will get better. Sweaty palms, trouble sleeping. I can speak and stand now.. even get some work done.
I have a picture I took of the causeway on my walk to Rockaway set as my phone background to remind myself that even if I feel good at any given moment the underlying problems are still there.
Not sure what happens next.
Also unemployed (read: substantial additional stress).
Thanks for listening SR.
I hope this isn't too tl;dr, but it would be nice to get a more complete version of this story off my chest.
Firstly, I'm happy to find this place. Was looking for a similar scenario as the old Bluelight.ru that my ex used to post on for her mental illnesses and drug use. Fortunately, I don't have as far as I know any issues with drugs, and alcohol issues were not really the norm there..
By way of introduction, I've been drinking for many years, some heavier than others.. Never thought of it as a problem until recent months.. I even took a year off (for the post part) when I was misdiagnosed with chronic pancreatitis, but then started again a bit harder when they cleared me a year later and said my liver function was fine too. That was about three years back I guess now.
I think I realized I had a problem a few months ago, tapered back a little bit, then back to full swing again shortly after fulled by a bit of depression. Kept thinking, oh some really great people did this forever, so no big deal.. listening to a lot of Townes Van Zandt and reading a lot of Hemingway at the time.
What got me there, or here, is my best friend's wedding last Saturday. A woman who is not only my best friend, but also my ex mentioned above, and my business partner. Super beautiful wedding and can't be more happy for them. Needless to say I fell off a chair at the W during the post-reception party and don't remember much else. Woke up the next morning feeling relaxed until I opened my eyes, had a massive panic attack where I couldn't walk or speak. I took the rest of the Xanax that I had left (about 1.5 MG I think) and started walking from my apartment in Bushwick to Rockaway Beach telling myself the whole way that I had to die. It was either that or jumping from the GW Bridge which would offer a nice view of the New Jersey Palisades on the way down. Instead of opting for the Hudson River School approach I decided on following in the late, great Jeremy Blake's footsteps by going into the ocean. Also, it seemed that if I decided to, I could pull back more readily, which is also the reason I walked instead of taking a cab or train.
I arrived to the first causeway out to Rockaway after a couple hours walk and texted a friend who I had visited last spring who at the time was on suicide watch at a hospital upstate after a bender. Asked him if he wanted to meet me for a drink at whatever bar was closest to the beach at the end of whatever street I was walking down. His mother was about to go into her last round of chemo treatment within the hour, so I told him never mind. He apparently messaged my most recent ex, who I had worked with and broken off with because she was abusive, who then called me and said she would come to meet me. About an hour later I was exhausted from walking and I knew she was getting closer. I made it to Rockaway, but not the ocean at the end of the road. I stopped in at a local bar and ordered a beer. She showed up right after I had ordered my second. Barely able to speak still, I told her what was going on and it was clear that I wasn't dying in the ocean that day.. she would have called the police over it even.
We drove back to the city and went to an afternoon cocktail party at a friends place and then headed to a later brunch. Both places I had 2-3 drinks. Went with our friend back to her place and ordered a couple bottles of wine. I passed out there and crashed in her guest room for a couple of nights until I didn't feel so bad.
I think it was around two days ago now that I calmed down. I had a drink at an auction that night. Told myself that a soda with a small bit of Capari was fine. Took a couple of sips out of my apparent savior ex's glass after mine was over because I told myself not to get another. After the auction closed, she invited me to eat with her before she went to another party. I told her that I couldn't go out without drinking. So she drove me near by the train to my house and we talked for ten minutes and I left.
Had a nice chat on the phone with the girl I'm talking to now and went home.
Now I'm here.
Have my first meditation appointment this morning at 10, and a meeting with a psychologist at 12:15 this afternoon to get some more Xanax, if he'll let me have it.
Been going through a bunch of stress since then (hence the above). Eyes are little yellow but I think they are getting better. Face is pretty red since Sunday and I hope it will get better. Sweaty palms, trouble sleeping. I can speak and stand now.. even get some work done.
I have a picture I took of the causeway on my walk to Rockaway set as my phone background to remind myself that even if I feel good at any given moment the underlying problems are still there.
Not sure what happens next.
Also unemployed (read: substantial additional stress).
Thanks for listening SR.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I have woken up from many benders in a panic. The sense of impending doom I feel in these moments is terrifying and I have also gone through suicide options. When I feel like this, I have had the good sense to go to the ER instead. Ive done it twice and they gave me some benzos and an IV. Disaster averted. End of the world postponed.
If I'm gonna commit suicide, i'd rather do it sober I tell myself. And of course, when I sober up, i'm fine.
If I'm gonna commit suicide, i'd rather do it sober I tell myself. And of course, when I sober up, i'm fine.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Hello & Welcome LuckiestDeer nice to meet you congrats on day 2 ?
meditation is awesome & good for mind body & soul good luck with the psychiatrist also
Know you have us & your not alone
I'm currently doing CBT for depression
Nice to meet you LD
meditation is awesome & good for mind body & soul good luck with the psychiatrist also
Know you have us & your not alone
I'm currently doing CBT for depression
Nice to meet you LD
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
Welcome.
There is no way for any one of us to know and understand EXACTLY what you are experiencing in your personal life.
However, many of us can relate to 'needing' a drink to get through the day.
Since you are reaching out I can only assume you wish to rid yourself of that demon called alcohol. Over time our thoughts and reasoning become lost because we have used alcohol for so long we know no other way to cope. And of course it 'snowballs' over time.
We must weigh the cause and effect of using alcohol as a coping mechanism for far too long.
But, as we are immersed in our own abusive behaviors, we sometimes - most times - cannot see clearly our own debacle that we have created.
If you want to quit and turn yourself around, it can be done. I can assure you that there were many before you that were far deeper into the abyss than you are now, yet they were able to turn their lives around.
It takes some soul searching. And it takes a lot of guts to finally admit that this is no way to live. But you have to really want it and believe it.
Know that getting sober does not 'fix' things in one's life. What it does is give them a new advantage in learning how to deal with issues on a level playing field. Having a clear mind and understanding that 'things' happen. Using alcohol to deal with these things only makes them worse - or seem worse. And while using, we are never able to overcome as long as we use it to hide. Hiding from problems does not make them go away. It only prolongs them. Sure we forget about it for a time, but they are there waiting for us when we sober up.
Enough of that...
Are you ready to get sober? Have you finally had enough? From my observation of how you described yourself, you must be able to understand that drinking alcohol has to be totally erased from your life - forever. It is not easy, but it is doable. There are several approaches to take. I believe you are presently a candidate for one day at a time just to get you started.
Others will give suggestions on ways to go about this. My only advice is that you learn more and understand exactly what this will entail.
You will struggle for sure. But in the end, or as time moves on, you will become a better person. Some of us have a lifelong struggle to stay away from the drink. Others are able to conquer that demon and not have it constantly looking over our shoulder. But make no mistake about it. It is a lifelong commitment. As long as I never drink again, I'll be okay. I must never forget that. For the rest of my life I can NEVER have a drink. Or I'll be just as I was a couple years ago.
Best wishes.
There is no way for any one of us to know and understand EXACTLY what you are experiencing in your personal life.
However, many of us can relate to 'needing' a drink to get through the day.
Since you are reaching out I can only assume you wish to rid yourself of that demon called alcohol. Over time our thoughts and reasoning become lost because we have used alcohol for so long we know no other way to cope. And of course it 'snowballs' over time.
We must weigh the cause and effect of using alcohol as a coping mechanism for far too long.
But, as we are immersed in our own abusive behaviors, we sometimes - most times - cannot see clearly our own debacle that we have created.
If you want to quit and turn yourself around, it can be done. I can assure you that there were many before you that were far deeper into the abyss than you are now, yet they were able to turn their lives around.
It takes some soul searching. And it takes a lot of guts to finally admit that this is no way to live. But you have to really want it and believe it.
Know that getting sober does not 'fix' things in one's life. What it does is give them a new advantage in learning how to deal with issues on a level playing field. Having a clear mind and understanding that 'things' happen. Using alcohol to deal with these things only makes them worse - or seem worse. And while using, we are never able to overcome as long as we use it to hide. Hiding from problems does not make them go away. It only prolongs them. Sure we forget about it for a time, but they are there waiting for us when we sober up.
Enough of that...
Are you ready to get sober? Have you finally had enough? From my observation of how you described yourself, you must be able to understand that drinking alcohol has to be totally erased from your life - forever. It is not easy, but it is doable. There are several approaches to take. I believe you are presently a candidate for one day at a time just to get you started.
Others will give suggestions on ways to go about this. My only advice is that you learn more and understand exactly what this will entail.
You will struggle for sure. But in the end, or as time moves on, you will become a better person. Some of us have a lifelong struggle to stay away from the drink. Others are able to conquer that demon and not have it constantly looking over our shoulder. But make no mistake about it. It is a lifelong commitment. As long as I never drink again, I'll be okay. I must never forget that. For the rest of my life I can NEVER have a drink. Or I'll be just as I was a couple years ago.
Best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: California
Posts: 1,428
Hello and welcome Luckiest Deer. You will find a lot of resources and support here. Overwhelming panic after drinking was one of the (many) reasons that prompted me to get sober. It's still early recovery for me, but the panic and anxiety is lessening every day, and my benzo use decreased dramatically taking booze out of the equation. I found my psychiatrist to be of great help and hope same for you. Can you also check in with your primary physician about the yellow eyes?
You are taking great positive steps toward a better life, please keep posting on how you are doing. This site has people all over the globe and there is always someone to help, who understands, who cares. Thank you for your post, and I look forward to more. Take care.
You are taking great positive steps toward a better life, please keep posting on how you are doing. This site has people all over the globe and there is always someone to help, who understands, who cares. Thank you for your post, and I look forward to more. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
Welcome to SR, luckiestdeer.
The cycle of anxiety, panic, alcohol/alcohol, anxiety, panic is a vicious one. Eliminating the alcohol from the cycle seems to help many people greatly reduce their anxiety (as it did me); for others the removal of alcohol allows their anti-anxiety meds and anti-depressants to work effectively.
Involving your GP (in addition to your psychiatrist) in your recovery would be a good idea so that he/she, too, could monitor assesss and monitor your health and progress.
Glad you found us, luckiestdeer.
The cycle of anxiety, panic, alcohol/alcohol, anxiety, panic is a vicious one. Eliminating the alcohol from the cycle seems to help many people greatly reduce their anxiety (as it did me); for others the removal of alcohol allows their anti-anxiety meds and anti-depressants to work effectively.
Involving your GP (in addition to your psychiatrist) in your recovery would be a good idea so that he/she, too, could monitor assesss and monitor your health and progress.
Glad you found us, luckiestdeer.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 319
Thanks for sharing your story. My first impression is that it appears you do have people around you who care about you, and that's a huge deal. Consider yourself luck in that regard.
Keep posting and welcome to SR !
Keep posting and welcome to SR !
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hi and welcome luckiestdeer 
I'm glad you found us
Giving up alcohol really gave me the chance to get at who I was and what I wanted from life. It took out all the drama, panic and a lot of the anxiety
I rediscovered a me I'd forgotten existed - a me that was half as messed up as I thought I was.
SR really helped me get top that place. I know we can help you get there too
D
I'm glad you found us
Giving up alcohol really gave me the chance to get at who I was and what I wanted from life. It took out all the drama, panic and a lot of the anxiety
I rediscovered a me I'd forgotten existed - a me that was half as messed up as I thought I was.
SR really helped me get top that place. I know we can help you get there too
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Brooklyn
Posts: 4
Thanks everyone for the welcomes, encouragement and amazing advice!!
Very much appreciated!!
I was actually able to go out to the art openings last night without drinking. It's been a minute since I've done that. I actually was able to make it to more than I usually do which was pretty nice. The night ended boring without drinks and after parties, but I'm not hung over today which feels pretty good.
Thanks all!
Very much appreciated!!
I was actually able to go out to the art openings last night without drinking. It's been a minute since I've done that. I actually was able to make it to more than I usually do which was pretty nice. The night ended boring without drinks and after parties, but I'm not hung over today which feels pretty good.
Thanks all!
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