THIS is where you're headed
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
THIS is where you're headed
I saw this article on Facebook from a friend who dedicated it in a very angry rant to her absentee father. I cannot help but think that one or both of my daughters will feel this way towards their own dad (my AH) someday. My first thought was to send it to him, in my own self righteousness, like "see, a-hole, see where you're headed with your awful choices?!" Instead, I've decided to just leave this right here in hopes that this satisfies my need to share. Thank you for being here for me to vent. Alcoholism blows.
To My Father Who Should Have Been There
To My Father Who Should Have Been There
A girl’s first true love is her father. —Marisol Santiago
You don’t love me by saying, “I love you” once in awhile.
You love me by being there for me. You love me by making the effort to be in my life; to know me, to know what my dreams and passions are, who I love, what moves me.
It’s not the thought that counts. It’s the actual execution that matters. It’s not enough to know that deep down, you love me. You have to actually show me that you care.
You love me by making an effort for me; giving me your time, your understanding, remaining a rock when we fall on hard times, not leaving when things get hard.
I hate this shield I spent years crafting.
It was your job to teach me how not to be afraid, to open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance.
I hate how long it takes me to trust someone. I don’t want anyone’s sympathy; I don’t want these labels: The one with abandonment issues. The one who keeps you at a distance. The one looking to fill a void. The one with the trust issues. Because this is only a part of me; but the part that I need to fight every time someone tries to get close to me nevertheless.
It was your job to teach me that people don’t leave when things get hard. That people fight for what’s worth fighting for. It was your job to be the one man in the world who would never hurt me.
I shouldn't have to hang on to these small moments.
When I do begin to trust someone, I share these small moments with them. I share moments about how Dad pushed me on the tree swing and taught me to tie my shoes, how he always gave me the last scoop of ice cream.
But I shouldn’t have a handful of moments. I should have more than that. Because as a father it was your job to be there for me. To teach me about how stupid boys are, to be there for my first heartbreak and wipe my tears away telling me everything will be okay.
To tell me I’m beautiful when I don’t feel like it; to take a picture of me before my first prom, to be there for me when my dreams come true, with a look in your eyes that makes me feel like the most special girl in the world.
Don’t pretend everything is okay.
If you want me back in your life, you have to earn my trust, because you messed up. Nothing fixes itself, nothing comes back simply because you want it. When you a mess up a relationship, you have to work for it, fight for it, make an effort for it.
You thought that circumstances was an excuse to stop being there for me - so you let your past, your pride, your demons, your selfishness, the fact that you’re weak or scared, be a validation for why you stopped fighting for me, making an effort to be there for me.
But I am the girl you need to appreciate.
Give me your time, all your love, take me on a crazy adventure. Teach me something new, spoil me, make me feel special, I want to hear about the little things that make you, you. Your biggest regret, how you first met mom, the first girl who broke your heart.
I want you to challenge me. Change my view, make me believe in lasting relationships again. Teach me how to fix a flat tire, how to dribble a soccer ball, teach me how to be better.
Don't lose me because of your pride, fears, ego or selfish ways.
A father should put his daughter first; inspire her to reach for more, love her so much that he won't betray her trust. Not walk out the door because it got too hard, because you shouldn’t let any circumstance ruin this - this unconditional love that every daughter needs to have.
Wake up and realize I’m worth fighting for. Because if you don't, you are the one who will suffer the most.
You don’t love me by saying, “I love you” once in awhile.
You love me by being there for me. You love me by making the effort to be in my life; to know me, to know what my dreams and passions are, who I love, what moves me.
It’s not the thought that counts. It’s the actual execution that matters. It’s not enough to know that deep down, you love me. You have to actually show me that you care.
You love me by making an effort for me; giving me your time, your understanding, remaining a rock when we fall on hard times, not leaving when things get hard.
I hate this shield I spent years crafting.
It was your job to teach me how not to be afraid, to open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance.
I hate how long it takes me to trust someone. I don’t want anyone’s sympathy; I don’t want these labels: The one with abandonment issues. The one who keeps you at a distance. The one looking to fill a void. The one with the trust issues. Because this is only a part of me; but the part that I need to fight every time someone tries to get close to me nevertheless.
It was your job to teach me that people don’t leave when things get hard. That people fight for what’s worth fighting for. It was your job to be the one man in the world who would never hurt me.
I shouldn't have to hang on to these small moments.
When I do begin to trust someone, I share these small moments with them. I share moments about how Dad pushed me on the tree swing and taught me to tie my shoes, how he always gave me the last scoop of ice cream.
But I shouldn’t have a handful of moments. I should have more than that. Because as a father it was your job to be there for me. To teach me about how stupid boys are, to be there for my first heartbreak and wipe my tears away telling me everything will be okay.
To tell me I’m beautiful when I don’t feel like it; to take a picture of me before my first prom, to be there for me when my dreams come true, with a look in your eyes that makes me feel like the most special girl in the world.
Don’t pretend everything is okay.
If you want me back in your life, you have to earn my trust, because you messed up. Nothing fixes itself, nothing comes back simply because you want it. When you a mess up a relationship, you have to work for it, fight for it, make an effort for it.
You thought that circumstances was an excuse to stop being there for me - so you let your past, your pride, your demons, your selfishness, the fact that you’re weak or scared, be a validation for why you stopped fighting for me, making an effort to be there for me.
But I am the girl you need to appreciate.
Give me your time, all your love, take me on a crazy adventure. Teach me something new, spoil me, make me feel special, I want to hear about the little things that make you, you. Your biggest regret, how you first met mom, the first girl who broke your heart.
I want you to challenge me. Change my view, make me believe in lasting relationships again. Teach me how to fix a flat tire, how to dribble a soccer ball, teach me how to be better.
Don't lose me because of your pride, fears, ego or selfish ways.
A father should put his daughter first; inspire her to reach for more, love her so much that he won't betray her trust. Not walk out the door because it got too hard, because you shouldn’t let any circumstance ruin this - this unconditional love that every daughter needs to have.
Wake up and realize I’m worth fighting for. Because if you don't, you are the one who will suffer the most.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Our adult children are suffering. My husband is suffering.
I've also been at fault and lost in my non-drinking disease of denial and looking everywhere else instead of my own actions.
Thankfully, I'm finding recovery for myself, and DS8 is attending Alakid/Alateen.
God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.
Let it begin with me. I can't control or change my husband or our children. What I do is work on myself, and learn ways to connect and have relationships with my family, as they are. When I've stopped trying to force changes, everything has changed. Baby steps. One day at a time.
For so very long, I also ranted and raged and wanted something other than what I have. I was miserable. Nothing has changed except myself, and life is becoming an amazing, beautiful adventure full of feelings that no longer shame or isolate me.
Stung, your daughters have a mother who is exactly, impectly, wonderfully who they need.
I've also been at fault and lost in my non-drinking disease of denial and looking everywhere else instead of my own actions.
Thankfully, I'm finding recovery for myself, and DS8 is attending Alakid/Alateen.
God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.
Let it begin with me. I can't control or change my husband or our children. What I do is work on myself, and learn ways to connect and have relationships with my family, as they are. When I've stopped trying to force changes, everything has changed. Baby steps. One day at a time.
For so very long, I also ranted and raged and wanted something other than what I have. I was miserable. Nothing has changed except myself, and life is becoming an amazing, beautiful adventure full of feelings that no longer shame or isolate me.
Stung, your daughters have a mother who is exactly, impectly, wonderfully who they need.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
This Facebook letter is a great exercise in release and is beautifully written. There is more of the story to follow. I hope she finds great happiness in her life. Not in spite of her dad - that pain may always be there - yet acceptance of how things are often is the beginning of great growth and healing.
Just a perspective from where I am, just for today.
You're doing a great job with your recovery and you love your daughters very much. It's going to be okay, even when these rants come from your daughters.
DS8 had a similar rant not all that long ago. It was emotional and cleansing. I listened and didn't interrupt or comment. Then he wiped away tears, picked up his Alateen book, read pages on a certain subject and shared insight he never should have to attain, yet he is, and it's okay. We are laughing more and finding much joy in unexpected places.
http://www.batonrougealanon.org/quot...nked-page.html
Just a perspective from where I am, just for today.
You're doing a great job with your recovery and you love your daughters very much. It's going to be okay, even when these rants come from your daughters.
DS8 had a similar rant not all that long ago. It was emotional and cleansing. I listened and didn't interrupt or comment. Then he wiped away tears, picked up his Alateen book, read pages on a certain subject and shared insight he never should have to attain, yet he is, and it's okay. We are laughing more and finding much joy in unexpected places.
http://www.batonrougealanon.org/quot...nked-page.html
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Good on not sending it, I assume he lives in denial that his alcoholism or behavior affects them. Not too long ago he stated a child has to be 6 years old before they have memories or something ridiculous like that.
Little future tripping here on your part. How your children grow up, what they think, how they handle situations, how they deal with negative things, has way more to do with you than him. Children can be raised by both parents and not learn these skills - my RAH is a testament to poor parenting by parents who are still married, and it screwed him up royally.
You are enough. I am sure there will be some issues along the way. You are enough to raise your kids into bright, successful, amazing adults no matter what HE chooses to waste his life doing.
Little future tripping here on your part. How your children grow up, what they think, how they handle situations, how they deal with negative things, has way more to do with you than him. Children can be raised by both parents and not learn these skills - my RAH is a testament to poor parenting by parents who are still married, and it screwed him up royally.
You are enough. I am sure there will be some issues along the way. You are enough to raise your kids into bright, successful, amazing adults no matter what HE chooses to waste his life doing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^^ I agree with these words-Stung, you are enough to raise them to have healthy lives. He may certainly give up his children bc of his pride, demons, or whatever other crap reason, but you are the constant. Peace, friend.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: NJ
Posts: 95
Reading this brought tears to my eyes, my father was not an alcoholic but all the same applies. Thank you for sharing, and yes not sending, that would probably lead to more hurt in terms of the way he would probably respond, or not respond...
Sending peace and comfort!
Sending peace and comfort!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: SoCal
Posts: 73
And now I'm crying at my desk!
My father was not an alcoholic (that I know of), but I've been told that prior to my birth, his parents "drank and partied", and my "stepmother" was; my stepfather IS an alcoholic, although you'll never hear my mother utter that word. However, this was/is my relationship with him.
I really hope my girls are able to enjoy a better relationship with their father (my AH). I can only hope I'm able to find my own recovery to balance the scales so they don't have to feel the way I have about their relationships.
My father was not an alcoholic (that I know of), but I've been told that prior to my birth, his parents "drank and partied", and my "stepmother" was; my stepfather IS an alcoholic, although you'll never hear my mother utter that word. However, this was/is my relationship with him.
I really hope my girls are able to enjoy a better relationship with their father (my AH). I can only hope I'm able to find my own recovery to balance the scales so they don't have to feel the way I have about their relationships.
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