Tomorrow is my anniversary...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 77
Tomorrow is my anniversary...
...and it is the first one I am spending single....So I wrote him the following letter that he will never read....
Tomorrow is our anniversary. Six years ago we vowed to take care of each other in front of our family and our friends. We said our words and made our promises. Such easy things to forget, weren't they? Once they no longer served your ego or addiction their meaning faded until they were no longer even ghosts.
For years you beat me, belittled me, raped me, and tried to tear me down. It didn't work. And now, dear...now that you have realized that you didn't break me... you try a new tactic. Every scratch of graphite exactly what you think I want to hear. Such pretty words from such a broken person. Letters crafted to precision. So perfect in every way they could be taken from the script of a romantic movie about forgiveness and redemption. Words so late hold no weight for me. They no longer touch the part of me that cried out to hear them for so long. Have you forgotten me? Forgotten who I am? Fiercely loyal until I'm not. Once something is dead, it is dead. I told you that I would never take off the ring you gave me unless things were over. The ring has been off for a long time, it was simply still on my finger as a reminder of those broken promises. So please, take your pretty words and peddle them elsewhere.
Do you know that it is like to be afraid to breathe? Each breath so sharp and painful it is like glass in your lungs? Every inhale and exhale so filled with painful emotions it takes everything in you to not scream? When you do, don't let me know. I will not compare scars with you anymore.
There was a time when I felt such pity and concern for you...my beautiful, damaged boy. Every blurred night I worried, held you, helped you...After a time you beat those feeling into anger and disgust. And then...nothing. I no longer felt anything as I stepped over you passed out on the floor, incoherent and angry. Turn off the lights and go to bed. Became easy as holding my breath.
On this eve of what is supposed to be a remembrance of bonds, I want you to know something...I don't forgive you.
And I am breathing.
Tomorrow is our anniversary. Six years ago we vowed to take care of each other in front of our family and our friends. We said our words and made our promises. Such easy things to forget, weren't they? Once they no longer served your ego or addiction their meaning faded until they were no longer even ghosts.
For years you beat me, belittled me, raped me, and tried to tear me down. It didn't work. And now, dear...now that you have realized that you didn't break me... you try a new tactic. Every scratch of graphite exactly what you think I want to hear. Such pretty words from such a broken person. Letters crafted to precision. So perfect in every way they could be taken from the script of a romantic movie about forgiveness and redemption. Words so late hold no weight for me. They no longer touch the part of me that cried out to hear them for so long. Have you forgotten me? Forgotten who I am? Fiercely loyal until I'm not. Once something is dead, it is dead. I told you that I would never take off the ring you gave me unless things were over. The ring has been off for a long time, it was simply still on my finger as a reminder of those broken promises. So please, take your pretty words and peddle them elsewhere.
Do you know that it is like to be afraid to breathe? Each breath so sharp and painful it is like glass in your lungs? Every inhale and exhale so filled with painful emotions it takes everything in you to not scream? When you do, don't let me know. I will not compare scars with you anymore.
There was a time when I felt such pity and concern for you...my beautiful, damaged boy. Every blurred night I worried, held you, helped you...After a time you beat those feeling into anger and disgust. And then...nothing. I no longer felt anything as I stepped over you passed out on the floor, incoherent and angry. Turn off the lights and go to bed. Became easy as holding my breath.
On this eve of what is supposed to be a remembrance of bonds, I want you to know something...I don't forgive you.
And I am breathing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 77
Thank you everyone! This is such an amazing and safe place.
Refiner---I didn't look at it that way when I wrote it but I you're right. It is hard to forgive something when you no longer feel anything for that person. It would be like forgiving a rug that tripped someone for me (If that makes any sense?) The most important thing I did was forgive myself. For awhile I felt like I had made such a huge mistake in staying, in leaving, in doing nothing and in doing everything. I forgave myself and that was liberating.
And thank you all for the hugs. I needed that today. It turned out not to be as hard as I thought it would be. I really think that writing this helped purge a lot of what was festering inside for a good long time. It helped me get through my day. I think I will add to my "If I ever" pile. It is my pile of self reminders on why I removed him from my life if I ever start to doubt myself.
Again though, and I mean this most sincerely, thank you everyone for making me feel safe to heal. It means so much to me.
Refiner---I didn't look at it that way when I wrote it but I you're right. It is hard to forgive something when you no longer feel anything for that person. It would be like forgiving a rug that tripped someone for me (If that makes any sense?) The most important thing I did was forgive myself. For awhile I felt like I had made such a huge mistake in staying, in leaving, in doing nothing and in doing everything. I forgave myself and that was liberating.
And thank you all for the hugs. I needed that today. It turned out not to be as hard as I thought it would be. I really think that writing this helped purge a lot of what was festering inside for a good long time. It helped me get through my day. I think I will add to my "If I ever" pile. It is my pile of self reminders on why I removed him from my life if I ever start to doubt myself.
Again though, and I mean this most sincerely, thank you everyone for making me feel safe to heal. It means so much to me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Hugs to you and keep breathing. I'm proud of your strength. Someone wrote on here once "Forgiveness is not forgetting. It's remembering and letting go." I thought that was such a great and powerful line. Let it go. You are doing amazing.
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