thotful

DW and I finally have our 1st baby girl. After four years of trying and eventually using IVF, DW was pregnant. DD is five weeks old. DW posted on FB a picture of DD, and not surprisingly, there was an outpouring of likes and positive comments...except one. DM made some statement like, "She's beautiful. Too bad she won't be loved and cuddled by 20 relatives."

BG reminder: I've cut contact from 2 siblings and their wives. I'm to limited contact with a 3rd sibling and his wife. All due to not accepting my wife and refusing to make peace with both her and I.
It was on my wife's post, so she just deleted DM's comment. She thinks we can just invite DM and another non-estranged sibling to lunch or something to meet our little girl. (things have been hectic and I haven't gotten around to introducing DD to DM - granted, DM wasn't sending warm/fuzzy vibes my way). DW thinks ignoring the drama is the way to go.

Thoughts on this? Do I respond or just leave it be? (PS - I'm very open about my recovery work on FB - DM has never responded to anything in several years - on FB -, until now)

happybeingme

I think your wife is right. You need to accept that this is the way your family is. It won't change. So, just ignore your mother's comment. If it is too much to deal with you and your wife can always unfriendly your mother on Facebook or simply restrict what she sees.

makomago

This is the only advice of mine that's worth following, if I ever give you advice disregard it :-)

I'd say "bad for who, certainly not my daughter. You've shown your colours with that remark"

However, there is no reasoning with the unreasonable. The amount of times I've responded and I've fed the flames when actually, I don't need to defend my position and my truth and getting dragged back into the dysfunctions simply harms my serenity. today ... I say nuffin :-)

What would you like to say...? Suggestion ... say it here and be done :-)

Congratulations by the way, enjoy it. I really wish you all the very best and give her a little cuddle sent all the way from England and the the sober recovery
family :-)

tomsteve

Thoughts on this? Do I respond or just leave it be?
feed the fire or put it out.

Kialua

First use the little upside down triangle to the right top of her comment and put her on "Hide all from this user". She won't know you don't see it and you won't be bothered by her anymore. All others will see her ranting by herself.

Then meeting in public at a restaurant is advisable, seems like your wife is up to it. Only if she asks why you don't fb respond to her posts tell her firmly and calmly you will only respond to nice positive messages.

Then stay as far away from them as you can.

Good luck.

WMJ1012

One time when I was upset about someone's response to me on FB, a woman in recovery asked me simply, "What are you doing on social media?"

My decision was to keep a page now so I know what's going on with my graduating class as we get older. I say very little and am rarely on it.

I used to post recovery-related things until I realized I was breaking the traditions. I also found there's a time and place for everything. I had some dishonest motives in there like seeking approval.

The family stuff I had to put through the steps. Only God and a Big Book sponsor could help me with that. After I made my amends to the family for my part and cleaned my slate, then as life continued I could see who to keep in contact with at what level.

AnvilheadII

ignore it and move on. don't take the bait. rise above. being on social media always leaves us open to this kind of crap.

Hopeful22

I would ignore it. She's trying to push your buttons. If you respond, you are letting her know that it worked. And then she will do it again.
Ive had family members try the same thing. You can block them from seeing your posts without unfriending as well. It doesn't sound like you need this drama while adjusting to a newborn.
Congratulations btw. Focus on the joy of your child.

tromboneliness

Bingo. I do have an account on FB, but do not accept friend requests from relatives, with a very few exceptions (a few who get it). It goes without saying that if my parents were still around -- and if they did social media, which they didn't -- they'd be blocked!

T

PS -- and just as a general reminder, Facebook is not life. People can say what they want -- scr*w that.

thotful

Update:

Wife deleted the comment. I gave no response.

Called my mother up to invite her to lunch to meet baby. She said, "does it have to be in public?" and it turned out she wanted to visit our home. I told her it was chaotic, but she still wanted to visit. I told her I needed to talk it over with my wife. DW was OK with it - I'm not too thrilled. (note: we've had a major clutter issue for a while - less so now and haven't had anyone over to visit other than my MIL who helped us de-clutter during her 6 week visit to help with baby, etc)

I sent DM a text to say that it would be tentatively this coming thursday. I'm feeling anxious not knowing what to expect.

I'll let her show her true colors - whatever they will be. Her behavior will define how comfortable my wife and I are in the relationship. That will in turn define how much energy we will have for her.

I guess I'll wait and see. Trying to avoid having "expectations".

Kialua

Wow. Good luck. Don't let her push your buttons. Just add up the triggers and breathe a sigh of relief when she leaves.

JK130

Your original plan to visit away from your home sounds less stressful. Anywhere else and you can leave when you want. As the new parents, you get to call the shots. Enjoy that new baby!!!

EveningRose

I have deleted most of my relatives from my FB account. Problem solved.

thotful

Mother sent another similar comment after my Thanksgiving pic of my baby. Sent her a personal message and said, "Since you can't have healthy communication with me on FB, I am unfriending you. I have sent an e-mail about opportunities to meet with us and DD. If you would like to communicate further, give me a call."

I then went and cleaned house on my fb.

Unfriended and blocked mother
unfriended and blocked low-contact brother (the one that didn't respond when I blatantly asked if my wife wasn't welcome in his life, but I was)
unfriended and blocked an ex-best friend (this one feels really sad - he never responded to my phone message that my wife was pregnant)
blocked a few cut-off siblings (don't want them seeing pics of our baby) and their wives

Cleaned up the garbage. It's not like they were participating on my fb anyways. The rare comments if any were disrespectful.

I've left the ball in my mother's court. She hasn't called. Oh well. That door can remain open indefinitely. I'm not chasing her anymore.

(I also sent my SIL an offer - wife to estranged sibling - to meet our DD with her 3 kids - but only with respected boundaries - no response from her - oh well, her loss)

CodeJob

Hi Thotful.

That is a big change for you. How are you feeling?

Hope your little one is growing and healthy! Hope your wife is doing well too!

thotful

Feeling better. Still struggling. Counselor seems like he's flipped a 180. Said things like, "you're acting like a drunk", "I'm concerned that you're consumed with anger", "you're being mean, vicious, etc", and that I get an adrenaline high from interacting with some of my FOO - that I get some sick satisfaction from beating them over the head (due to my e-mail to SIL offering her the opportunity to meet our daughter, but only with our boundaries in place - that I didn't trust her, but was willing to see if she would respect boundaries) - I really wonder if he has lost his objectivity (he's a new grandparent with a couple month old grandchild) - that he's compromised.
I've left my last two sessions with him feeling much worse. Much of what he says doesn't seem to fit how I'm really feeling.
I don't feel anger. I completely accept them as they are. I love them. I care about them. I thought my e-mail was about as gracious as I could be - this was a person who was cut-off before asking to see our daughter. She didn't apologize. Made no amends. Just trying to get us to feel sorry for her in being able to "love and cherish" our daughter. No indication of wanting a relationship with us. Just no - nope on that front. I gave her the benefit of the doubt in my mind.

I might need to switch counselors - at least to get a second opinion. Everyone else in my life says my counselor is full-of-bs.

I can really see why cut-off is what people do. It's equivalent to no longer drinking alcohol. That a person realizes that any interaction at all is compromising due to their addiction to the drama - to the back-and-forth - to the poison. and that cold turkey no more contact is the only way out -(no more alcohol period - nada - nothing). Interesting how that parallels. No more alcohol/complete abstinence = No more toxic family/ZERO contact

EveningRose

Drawing some lines is behaving like a drunk???

Yeah, not sure I'd continue with such counseling. I found, with XH, that counseling is hit and miss. The first counselor knew XH was up to no good and begged me to pretend everything was okay for the sake of the kids. No. Good thing I didn't, as he was also burning through credit cards and we would have ended up homeless--hard to pretend on a matter like that.

The second one believed everything XH said, hook, line, and sinker, swallowed it all, and told me I needed to work on my anger problem.

The third counselor was helpful. But it took some looking.

PurpleKnight

Sometimes we got to detach ourselves from the madness that is going on around us, and that means our own family, when my dad was drinking I made sure to separate my own life from his, why should someone else's addiction affect others?

Think of your little girl, she doesn't need this, she doesn't deserve to be in the middle of it all, so protect her, protect your family, ignore the critics, no matter who they are, and live your life and be happy!!

thotful

Thanks. The counselor also argued that I have no empathy for my family. That it was insulting and humiliating to invite my mother to see our child at the library (the 1st time to see baby). That I'm in complete denial.

In our 3rd session while things weren't going well, he said he couldn't help me anymore and ended the session half-way through. I made it clear that I know my feelings, thoughts, and motivations and they did not match with what he was saying. We didn't see eye to eye. I tried to find out why he was acting so differently and I don't think I got a sufficient answer.

On to a new counselor.

Kialua

This counselor sounds like he knows nothing about Acoa? Interesting. Good idea to find one that has at least a book about it.