Need opinions on this

Old 11-12-2015, 11:38 AM
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Need opinions on this

Yesterday, I went to see a therapist for another perspective. I filled him in on the problems with my AH. He truly felt that I need to put my foot down through a letter and truly prepare myself to leave this marriage if things don't improve. I would love some input on the following letter:

Your addiction has become unmanageable. I can no longer stand by idly and watch you slowly kill yourself. You say you want to save our marriage, but there are some things that must happen in order for our marriage to be saved.
1. You must go to a doctor and have your liver enzymes checked. I am concerned for your health.
2. You must consider getting help for quitting drinking. This means going to a rehab center to hear your options.
3. You must continue to see your therapist and take tangible steps to better your life, such as getting a job.

I will not budge on this. Yes, it is an ultimatum. I will not stay and watch you kill yourself and ruin your life. As much as I love you, I deserve a partner that will work to give us the best life possible. Your disease is keeping you from being that partner.
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Old 11-12-2015, 11:49 AM
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Please do not give him a letter like this until you are absolutely, 100%, completely and totally ready to follow through and leave. Do not give him this letter if you are hoping that these words will be enough to change him, but won't be able to leave yet if they are not.

Because I have to say, in my opinion, they probably will not be enough to change him. You have to prepare yourself for this in every way, if you decide to give him this letter. This is the most important thing. More important than what the letter says.

However since you are asking...I wonder would any of this be news to him? Have you never said these things before? Does he have no idea that his drinking is a problem for you?

And is "considering getting help for quitting drinking" really what you want from him? Or do you want him to quit? If that is what you want, you should say so and then let him figure out how to go about doing that. Your concern for his health is all well and good but it's only his concern for his health that will ever get him to a doctor.

I'm not a big believer in ultimatums, for the most part, but if you are going to give him one, give him one that would really make a difference if everyone followed through.

I'm not a big believer in ultimatums because I don't believe people really understand what losing something means until they have actually lost it. Which would mean he was making changes in order to avoid punishment (in his eyes) instead of really wanting to change his life (the only way something sticks -- again, in my opinion).

So there's all that for what it's worth. I hope this goes the way you want it to.
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Old 11-12-2015, 11:51 AM
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It’s been my experience that letters don’t work any better than all the many talks and talks you’ve probably already had.

It’s also been my experience that using “I” instead of the controlling “you will” it works much better.

I will no longer live my life with active alcoholism.

I will remove myself from this environment if a real plan of action is not shown.

I will continue to seek therapy for myself and how alcoholism has affected my life.

As apposed to………..

You must get your liver checked.

You must go to rehab.

You must continue seeing a therapist.
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Old 11-12-2015, 11:57 AM
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I must say that I agree with Sparklekitty. Ultimatums usually don't work for A's. I left my apt and told my AH that wasn't coming back until he checked into a therapy....well we (my 4 yr old son, 6mo daughter and I) were gone for 7 months until he finally checked in. You would think after a few weeks passed, maybe even a month or so he would've seen how serious I was. The problem was that he DID see how serious I was but HE WASN'T READY to get help, and that's what you have to be ready for. The saying goes...you lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink it. Hell, you can submerge the horse and he can drown on the water before he actually drinks it.

He's got to want it and don't be upset if your ultimatum isn't enough for him to "want it".
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Old 11-12-2015, 01:04 PM
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Good advice / suggestions here.
Don't expect it to "make" him change.

He has to want that for himself, and it doesn't sound like he is ready yet.
But your life will improve very quickly when you aren't dealing with an active addict.

Good luck.
Be sure you have some money stashed and a solid plan in place if you do indeed have to follow through
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Old 11-12-2015, 01:27 PM
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Letters like this accomplish little. In fact, someone here just had her alcoholic explode in anger while reading a similar letter.

Presumably you have said all of this before. You really don't need to spell out your conditions for staying. If he hasn't made a move to this point, it's unlikely he will have a sudden realization that he wants sobriety. If he does anything, it will be to placate you and get you off his back, and you will simply be prolonging the inevitable.

If you've had enough, I'd suggest you start making some concrete plans in that direction. Have you talked to a lawyer? That might be a good first step to find out what your options, rights, and obligations might be if you leave.
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Old 11-12-2015, 01:59 PM
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You must.....man that just makes me flatten my ears back and want to hiss. NO ONE likes to be told what to do, especially in a tone that has a parental element to it. How would it feel if a letter like that came YOUR way with list of MUSTS on it....

1. you must lose 20 pounds
2. you must mow the grass in summer and shovel snow in winter
3. you must go back to college and finish up your degree by August 2016
4. you must get a better paying job
etc
etc


some of your musts aren't even quantifiable....one could say he HAS been CONSIDERING quitting for a long long long time now. or considered getting help. and what does BETTER ONESELF really mean? that is totally open to interpretation. your MUSTS are very passive- aggressive, you are not stating clearly what YOU want, besides the liver check....all else is vague and sketchy.

and i imagine it will go over like a lead balloon.
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Old 11-12-2015, 03:16 PM
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I've been finding this family disease of alcoholism to be completely counter-intuitive!

Even two weeks ago with talking with my husband's counselor at a mental health center had me momentarily looking for statements like "when this happens, then..." Talking with my Alanon sponsor helped greatly in getting my focus back on my life, my fitness to take care of things... and then the "little details" (which used to be HUGE monsters to me!!) all have worked out, one day at a time.

There have been many well-meaning therapists at rehab that gave us advice. Some was excellent, some not so much, and some that I've found to not be helpful at all. What's wonderful about it all is finding my own footing and taking what helps and storing the rest.

Great, great, great move on reaching out for help. Letters like this that some earlier therapists/counselors had me write, I could see later on that they were for my own benefit, not to change him. Some may not have intended it that way, that's just how it worked for me. Now I might write them here or in a notebook, but I no longer give those kind of things to my husband. It's never worked in the way I wanted it to, so I changed up how I use this tool.
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Old 11-12-2015, 03:29 PM
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Yup, I wrote a ton of letters like that, most of which I trashed. They can be very therapeutic to WRITE, because they can help clarify in our minds what we are living with and what we no longer are willing to live with, as well as making the possibility of leaving REAL to US. But as a tool for communicating with the alcoholic? Nah.
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Old 11-12-2015, 04:33 PM
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I actually found it more useful to write a letter to myself giving ME my ultimatums. My letter read something like:

1. I will no longer accept alcoholism in my life
2. I will no longer disrespect my AH by insisting that he live his life the way I dictate
3. I will no longer try to control my AH's illness or the choices that he makes in relation to this
4. I will keep my children physically and emotionally safe
5. I will pursue what makes me, and my family (being the kids and me) happy
6. I have a concrete plan, now I will enact it
7. I will not sacrifice my children's happiness any longer
8. I will make hard decisions that I know will bring a better life in the long run, even if it means that I, and possibly the kids will feel pain in the short term

My letter to me was far more effective than any of my words or letter to my AH.

If you are going to write him a letter, at least say what you mean. And mean what you say.

E.g. is it going to be enough for you that he "considers getting treatment". I considered winning the lotto last night but that doesn't mean it is going to happen!! And if you say you wont live with alcoholism - you need to mean that. Empty threats compound the problem.

Best wishes.
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Old 11-12-2015, 10:23 PM
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Thank you all for your thoughts and input. It's amazing how much wisdom I get from al-anon and all of you. My gut was telling me this letter was a bad idea, and you all pretty much confirmed that. I need to find the courage to take action to take care of ME. And that means there is nothing wrong with my exit plan, and I don't need to continue to beg him to change. I wish my circumstances were different, and I could leave sooner, but it looks like I will be stuck in this home until the lease is up in May. But in the grand scheme of things, 6 more months will be ok. I can live with that. Thanks again for all the wisdom.
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