BellJar7

I have tried to post on here since 7:30 this morning (my time it's now 11:29 pm).

Every single time I tried to submit the thread, it would pop up with a frowny face and a "failed server" message. But I could read all of your posts! I tried every five minutes for a while, at which point I needed to take my homeschooled child to his classes, and I told myself I would try again when I got home. I did.

Over and over again.

Still not posting. Same message.

I took a nap, as I've been sick since yesterday from a cold.

Tried again- no post.

I tried replying to other posts. Nothing. My computer would think and think, and then not post.

Damn, I was so proud.

Wednesdays are HARD for me. I wanted to check in from the moment I woke up and keep in check with you guys all day. I knew Wednesday would be harder for me than other days. On top of everything else, I've had a cold (hoping it's not bronchitis, which is what my husband brought home). I have felt awful.

I tried so hard to fight it. To post on here. To interact with you guys....

And then by 8 o'clock tonight, I couldn't shake it. I bought a bottle of wine.

I feel guilty and ashamed.

It's easy to blame the server that was perpetually down, even when the cravings were SO bad, and all I wanted was to connect to you guys to tell you the cravings were bad. But ultimately, I know the decision was mine. Which makes me hate me more than I already hated me. Which was a lot to begin with.

I am angry at myself because I caved, and because my first post to you guys this morning was very hopeful. I was very excited to share with you all my perseverance and my hopefulness. If ever there was proof needed that support and encouragement make all the difference in recovery, this is it.

I honestly tried to post every single time I felt stressed today! I got the same freaking message. It kept saying the server was down. I clicked the link to troubleshoot it, and it said over and over that no issues could be found.

I felt discouraged, angry, and then by the end of my SUPER stressful day, kind of ambivalent. I gave up. I caved. I know the ultimate choice was mine, and the better story would be to say that DESPITE the server issues on SR (or Chrome), I persevered and succeeded. But on day 3, I did not. I'm sorry, and more sorry to myself. I feel ashamed...

Please don't stop encouraging me, or rallying around me or supporting me. I'm worried that with enough "oopsies" (relapses) you guys will just quit reading my posts.

I'm not even remotely drunk. Just frustrated with myself and the situation.

So that's where I am today.

BellJar

Frank14

I just attempted to post a long reply to you, and you guessed it, things crashed and it asked me for my username/password! No lie. So, my abbreviated response is to keep posting and perhaps find someone you can talk to if this happens again (sponsor or friend?).

We've all been where you are. When I was in your spot I simply dropped off SR and drank alone. I was too ashamed to come on here, which was a big mistake.

The shame, self hatred, and guilt needs to go away immediately. This is simply a way for your AV to get its claws in you by making you weak and vulnerable. You need to love yourself and be a champion for your own recovery. You have a lot of courage to admit you have a problem and to make the effort to change. Think about all those with our affliction who are in complete denial and will never be helped.

Keep posting and we will get to the finish line one way or another, even if we stumble along the way.

Meraviglioso

Computer issues will make even the most easy going among us crazy! It is really annoying. One trick I have learned when posting on a forum and posting a long response is to always copy my message before hitting send. That way if an error message comes up I haven't lost what I have put a lot of time into writing, I just have to deal with the computer issue. Another quick note, I know in the recent past there was a problem with starting threads with multiple word headings. The trick around that was to put in one letter as a title, post your thread, then go back in and edit the title after it posted.

Are you still up now? Can you dump the rest of the wine? I completely understand drinking due to anger or frustration. I would throw my arms up and just think "screw it, if this is how it is, I'm drinking!" But drinking did nothing to change the situation, did it? Fortunately the site/computer issue seems to be worked out now, but it certainly wasn't you buying and drinking wine that did it!
Have you come up with a plan for how to handle stressful situations? I would suggest making a list of things you can do differently. I get it if you are resistant to actually going through the motions and thinking it out and making a list and following through. I was the same. In the past I had half-heartedly made a plan and just thought "I'm just not going to drink" that's it, that's my plan. But I failed and failed and failed.
I now not only have a plan but most importantly, I follow through. I had listed taking a walk when stressed. the other day I was feeling angry and stressed. i had mountains of work before me and I couldn't really afford the time away. But I needed that walk and if I drank I certainly would be less productive than if I took a 30-45 minute break to get some fresh air. So I did it. I didn't drink that day.
I have eating regularly as part of my plan and I have keeping fruit juice in the house and having a glass of juice if a craving comes as part of my plan. So, even if I don't really feel like eating or am not all that hungry I still make it a point to take a lunch break, make myself something, even if small, and sit and eat. If I start to feel a craving coming on, even just a hint, I immediately get myself a glass of juice.

Your plan will be personalized to you. Things that you know to be healthy for you. Things that you know will calm you down. It is not easy, but it is worth the work.
Drinking in the face of anger and frustration at other people or situations is just cutting of your nose to spite your face. Take care of yourself. you are worth this.

Dee74

I'm sorry you had trouble posting BellJar.
I haven't been having issues so I can't offer you any advice.

I get a lot out of simply reading posts here tho - I can always find an old thread or post that speaks to me.

sometimes I needed to do that until the other urge, the destructive one, passed. But it always did

If there ever is a site issue that affects everyone we do have a back up forum:
Home | Recovery Forum

It's bare bones - and you'll need to register again as it's a separate forum - but if this site goes down, I always head over there

D

Soberwolf

Today is a new day what is your plan

tufty13

Hey BellJar, I think it's pretty amazing that you came back here to post.

Look at the positives, pick yourself up and start again. You sound like you really want this so give yourself a pat on the back for being here and not turning your back on this site.

You can do this and I've got a feeling you will!

Nowsthetime

First of all:

Don't be so hard on yourself. You say you hate yourself, and now even more. It starts from within! Be kind to yourself!

Second:

SR will always support you. We are like family here and you will always find that here.

Third:

No need to give us excuses or why you drank. Remember that this is about YOU, not us. We have all been there so no one will shame you for drinking specially when you come here to post.

So now what? What's your plan for the next time you can't log on here or post? We have to be prepared. Make that plan and work it.

Remember: everyday is a clean slate! Please be kind to yourself! You are a goodl person!!!!

JD

There is no failure as long as you keep trying to remain sober. It's just another learning experience on what you need to plan for and do differently next time. So glad you've come back here. That's the first step in the right direction.

alphaomega

((((((BELLJAR)))))

Don't stop quitting. Just keep quitting. Don't give up. Some of us, present company included, have to bang our heads against the wall a few more times before it finally sticks.

I technically "quit" every morning after a binge. I figured throughout my drinking career that was roughly 5000 times. 5000 day ones. Imagine that.

It was when I finally decided I absolutely could not, under any circumstance, live like that anymore, that those day ones became gradually less and less. And even then, I still struggled.

Because I refused to believe I couldn't moderate.

After about 4 years of having to face my denial over and over and over, my head started to really hurt from all the banging.

And then I just stopped banging.

But there was a lot of damage I had to face as a result.

You don't seem like a shrinking violet to me. You seem stronger and more resolute than a lot of people. It appears that when you "commit" you REALLY commit.

Now all you gotta do is apply that to yourself and your well being.

XO. AO

BellJar7

Thanks guys. I was really mad at myself last night. I didn't wake up hungover at all, because I didn't drink enough to get intoxicated. Maybe a little buzzed, but nothing like what I would drink when I was drinking heavily, so I guess that's a plus? I know abstinence is my goal, but I'm gonna give myself some props for exhibiting some level of self control.

Wednesdays are very very busy for me- the busiest day of the week. And even when I wasn't drinking heavily, wine would often greet me at the end of the night. So now I need a new plan. I lead a Bible study for women on Wednesday evenings, and we target our group for single women, divorced women, single mothers, in other words, often those who otherwise might not feel completely comfortable in church. I want to be a good example for them, as a lot of them are coming out of hard situations, and I hate thinking that after I leave them, I go home and drink. It feels wrong.

I think that's part of why I beat myself up so much. And then there's just the incredible amount of pressure I put on myself. Always have. Even when I was really little, I wasn't allowed by my family to act like a normal kid. I distinctly remember going to the lake one time with my family for a family reunion. All of my cousins went out to the lake and came back muddy and were chasing each other with some leeches they found. Just doing gross kid stuff, you know? My grandmother stuck her nose in the air and said to me, "You are not acting like them. You're such a little lady. I don't have to worry about you doing disgusting things like that." She didn't even bring my swimsuit for that trip. I knew what the expectations for me were, and I never wanted to let anyone down. I would just look in on everyone around me having fun and acting like kids, and I was the "little lady."

In high school, I was a high achiever. Never partied. Never drank. Never went to a party where there was alcohol! Didn't party in college either. Never drank until my 21st birthday even, not because of some moral feelings about it, but because I'm a rule follower, and those are the rules.

I remember when I was in 10th grade, I made a C in a class, and my parents reacted like I had devastated the entire family. Like I had really let them down. I had a friend who at the same time was really losing herself. She was into drugs, had recently had an abortion, took alcohol on a school sanctioned trip... She was in a bad place making lots of bad choices. I had a fight with my dad because I didn't think by comparison I was doing so badly to get a C in math. They didn't seem to care.

I was the pedestal kid, and it still lives with me today. It's so hard to have that much pressure put on you. To be forced into a mold your entire life and deny the natural urges you have even as a child to just be silly or messy or to chase your cousins with leeches. I was never allowed to fail at anything. They'd sign me up for dance, piano, violin, choir, you name it, I was expected to excel.

By the time I got to college, I didn't even know what I wanted to major in because they hadn't told me what to major in! So my mom pushed journalism (I've always been a good fiction writer, but I have NO interest in journalism). I took some classes and was bored out of my mind. So my dad pushed for me to be an English teacher. Again, I got into it and hated it. So I just chose a major. Something I was good at that I thought might be easy so I could get out as soon as possible. I did well, but it didn't really make me happy, and I ended up with one of those useless degrees that is way too specific to be marketable. They had crafted me to be so perfect that when I was finally out on my own, I had no idea what I wanted in my life because I was never allowed to explore my OWN interests.

I was forced to be good at everything to the point where now I don't think I do anything exceptionally well, even though I do. I don't think I'm a good mom. I don't think I'm a good writer. I don't think I'm a good teacher (I homeschool one of my children). I don't think I'm a very good wife. I'm not a good housekeeper. I KNOW I'm a good counselor, but I am not in a place where I should be counseling anyone right now.

So here I am. Beating up on myself. Treating myself unkindly.

I have to somehow reverse a lifetime of measuring my worth as a person and a woman by how excellent I am at everything I put my hand to. I need to somehow learn how to love myself even when I fail, or even when I'm trying, or even when I'm not. I have to learn to love myself in my shortcomings; maybe even because of my shortcomings. That's what makes me human, and I was raised to be unhuman. I was raised to be an example, a manifestation of my parents awesome parenting skills. I was just supposed to be a billboard for their success as people. They forgot that I'm a person too.

So. How does one do that?

doggonecarl

As hard as recovery is, look how hard continued drinking makes it.

You sound more frustrated at yourself for caving than you did at the server error. Seems drinking didn't help at all. So when drinking doesn't work anymore, it is time to take if off the table as your fall-back solution.

biminiblue

I feel you, sister. Please listen to this song. It speaks to your pain, and will help heal you.

firstymer

I didn't have the pressure that you did when I was growing up. But I have always been driven to be a high achiever. I suppose I would benefit from therapy to address my own "issues" but, instead, I decided to address my alcohol use in relation to who I am, warts and all. In other words, I am a Type A, driven person. Alcohol made me less productive, less happy and more anxious.
By giving up alcohol, I am more productive, more happy and less anxious.

Do I still have issues to address? I know that I do. But I am better able to tackle them sober than drunk. And, in the meantime, I am a lot more productive now that I am sober.

One other benefit of sobriety is that I have started to like myself more than when I was drinking. As others have said, you need to be kinder to yourself. To give yourself credit for the many, many good things that you do. For me, sobriety made it easier for me to finally like myself - something that I hadn't done for a long time.

And don't ever think that SR will give up on you. We won't. Of that much I am certain.

Quirky

Hang in there, you can do this.

Soberwolf

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html

Dee74

I think a lot of us have felt the pressure of being the go to person or perhaps even the exemplar for others.

The simple truth is when that pressure leads you to drink as a solution, it's an maladaptive response to what may be becoming an unhealthy ideal.

I used to strive to impossible levels of perfection.

It's taken a long journey, but I've learned to cut myself a break - I don't need to do everything, I don't need to injure myself physically or mentally to do a good job, and I can goof off and not feel guilty about it.

I can strive to do my best, but I must also accept that my best on any given day may be different to another day.

I will make mistakes, I will fall short, I will act in haste...and that ok because it's part of the human experience - iu happens to other people too

In short, I've learned to love myself and care for myself in the same way I do for others.

the paradox is I think that makes me even more effective than I used to be as an obsessed perfectionist

D