utopia

HI
i just joined, ive been a member of alanon for 8 months but my past still affects me, because i drag it with me in the present.
its not that i love being a victim its that its comfortable, i know survival mode i can cope witha crisis and i can deal with rejection and expect to be used and treated like ****.

what i find funny is how terryfying happiness and love can be. i recently entered a relationshipand i went in saying id have no expectations and be owed nothing, how ready i can be to sabotage something when it doesnt go how i want or expect. too much like my father whose behaviour would change from model dad to worst nightmare. dont like the cross burden of "hey im a victim of abuse and alcoholism so thus im justified in being jumpy and mistrustful and anxious!"

thats why i find this and alanon etc so miraculous, to know im not some crazy freak, human byproduct sorting hi stuff out, that imnot alone and that even moreso theres a higher power with me all the way, that lets me know i dont have to measure my self by whati think isreality, what i perceive is anothers view of me, even if i was correct in thinking he world wanted to destroy me (which is rubbish, selfpitying cladtrap lol) i should know that 'gods' love is unconditional and that i can change my self, i can change this thwarted perception that im just not good enough to keep a rlsp

will they leave and take their affection like my dad? do i want another raging open sore like that? sometimes love is worth the risk and i have to learn that ill always have god and alanon, il stop here but any thoughts o comments triggered by this?
peaceout

best

Looking at that part of your post seems to tell me why they say...one year before changes.

If you expect to be treated like **** you could end up getting just what you ask for.
You need to realize you are worth much more then that.
Big step when we try to step out of our comfort zones.
From the inside of the door the step needed looks bigger then our legs can do in 10 giant steps.
Well I have found that once I took that leap of faith and made that first step out and then looked back.... What looked like 100 feet was only 2 inches.
From the outside of the door... the 2 inches of step has given 100 feet of knowledge and growth.
Step out of that comfort zone. Realize... You are worth it. You are loved. People do care. hmmm survival mode and crisis? You would make a good ER nurse. Manager of a fast paced business office.
Politician in the states? *LOL* opps! Should be talking uplifting high esteem jobs. OK even some of them are good as well.

Still though... Remember... You are worth it.

Magichappens

Hey utopia,
Love is a risk. But I have found that since I have been in Al-Anon, I am not as dependant on one person to fulfill everything in me. It takes a burden of my SO and I don't feel as let down when he stumbles or has a weak time and can't be supportive of me. I can lean on people in my group. And they can lean on me. That is something that I never experienced before.

Glad you joined us. These forums, along with Al-Anon and therapy, have been a great part of my recovery. I hope it becomes part of yours. Be sure to check out the "friends and families of alcoholics" forum, formerly known as the Al-Anon forum. Hugs, Magic

JT

utopia,

The beginnings of recovery are all rough edges. Things are changing. Sometimes fast and sometimes slow. Changing into who you want to be means finding out who you are. Chaos is comfortable and serenity is not. It is not what you are used to. That is why it is "one day at a time". For one day set aside your expectations and appreciate what is there. For one day pay attention to the tape in your head and press stop. For one day when you want to react one way, do the opposite. Then watch what happens. One day...that is all there is.

Hugs,
JT