Healing Ain't Always Pretty...
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Healing Ain't Always Pretty...
Warning: this is gonna be a stream of consciousness ramble...
Thanks to sr, aa, and some other acronyms I'm sure, I'm almost 1000 days sober. I'm more grateful for that every day. In general, my life has completely changed for the better- my marriage, my work life, my friendships, my financial situation, you name it.
But I've had a really rough couple of weeks. my new wife and I still live in different homes while we try to sell hers and find a new one for us that's doable from my work. After much searching, we found a lovely match. We were nervous about buying before selling, but did the math and found we could swing it for as long as needed. We were the first ones to see this house, but someone got an offer in a few hours before us. We missed it. Huge bummer. Then I got really sick, brochitis. Joy.
Then on Halloween, this young man we've been to heck and back with trying to get him help with his alcoholism, checked himself out of rehab. I talked to him, he seemed committed to sobriety, but I could tell he was the same man who went into rehab. I tried to talk to him about true recovery, that we have to be wiling to change ourselves or we will drink. If you don't work on what made you want to drink, you are bound to go back. Well, he did.
Two nights ago, he was on my partners doorstep drunk.she called me after. We had a long hard chat about the boundaries, our fears and prayers for him. If he doesn't sober up he's going to be homeless in the cold. He gets a bit violent when he drinks, he gets suicidal sometimes. Nobody can keep him safely in their home. Frankly, he's blown so many chances with us we don't want him with us.
I can't watch him die. He knows this. He knows I care about him. I told him I will never give up on him for as long as he breathes, but I can't watch him die.
That night is when things got crappy for me. I'm a recovering alkie, I am incredibly grateful for my sponsor and sober friendships. While I don't attend many meetings, I take service seriously. I tried very very hard to help this young man. I've taken him to meetings, the hospital, sat and held his hand in the hospital, visited him in rehab, gave him my own "lucky" copy of the big book. I most certainly care for this kid. If he asks me to take him to hospital or rehab again, I'll drop everything and take him again. But when he shows up drunk blaming everyone else for his lack of recovery, I gotta let him go.
Again, I can't watch him die. After I got off the phone with my wife, I started to have flashbacks. You see, my mother was one of us. She died of a drug overdose, but she was likely alcoholic too. I was 13 and didn't know about the drugs until I found them after her death, but in hindsight I know I was watching her die for some time. Until one late afternoon in September, when I walked into her bedroom and found her dead. I'm one of those "calm in a crisis" people. I stared at her belly and when I was sure she wasn't breathing, I told my dad I was calling 911. I may be kinda good Ina crisis, but clearly I was still very much a kid. Even on the phone with dispatch, telling them she wasn't breathing, that she was blue, it didn't register to me that she was gone.
The other night, my flashbacks were relentless. I couldn't stop crying. I'm tearing up now as I type. 30 years later, and it still gets to me. I see her body as I found it. She had kind of slithered under her bed as she died, so when my dad came in he threw the bed across the room. He was kind of hysterical. Strangely, I was the calm one. Maybe he understood better. That's probably it.
The other flashback I get is 6 days later, at her funeral. By then, I had found the drugs, so we knew about them. My dad made me promise to lie to anyone who asked how she died. For years, I had to say she had a heart attack. Trust me when you are a kid and someone finds out you don't have a mom, they always ask how she died. Every damn time.
I had cried off and on all week, like a normal kid, until her funeral. A bunch of her "friends" showed up. I didn't know much, but I could tell they were bad news. They made a big scene of fake grief. I was too disgusted to grieve myself. I just stared at my mom in the casket. But that made me feel awful too. You see, I had to pick her outfit. The funeral home warned me that there would be an incision from the autopsy up her neck. So I picked an outfit that I liked her in, one I knew she liked, that had a high collar. But it wasn't high enough. So I sat there, disgusted with these fake friends and their fake grief, staring at my mother's incision that I had failed to cover up. I didn't cry. I didn't cry at her funeral, and I didn't cry again until my twenties. To this day, my father won't go to funerals. No even his own brothers.
The other night, those flashbacks came and kept alternating and wouldn't go away. Usually they go away. I was kind of alarmed by their staying power. By then it was late, I didn't want to wake my partner, but my lovely sr friend was up. We texted for a while.
I went to work the next day, yep the flashbacks were still there but stayed in the background. Yesterday I went to a yoga class, it was a really good one with lots of meditation. I came home and the flashbacks kicked up again. Today, in and out.
Maybe I'm grieving mom. Maybe I'm grieving dad too, because he may be walking around still but I lost him the same day as mom. He turned on me. I got yelled at a lot. I moved out as soon as I could, far far away. I've tried to have a relationship with him but it's never quite worked out.
But you know what I've learned? I've learned that I no longer feel any need to Blot stuff out.. I've had flashbacks since getting sober, and I've always ridden them out, but never this long. I now know I can do it. I know what triggered them (our alcoholic neighbor), but I have no idea why they're persisting. I think maybe it's just bubbling up as another layer of healing. Apparently I've got a lot of healing left. I have faith that with prayer, meditation, and honesty all things can heal. There's clearly more and when the time is right I'll find out what it is.
Another layer of healing. Healing from alcoholism, past trauma, all the crap in our lives. Things will bubble to the surface. **** will happen. But every time we deal with it, we get a little stronger. We get a little more light in our lives.
Thanks to sr, aa, and some other acronyms I'm sure, I'm almost 1000 days sober. I'm more grateful for that every day. In general, my life has completely changed for the better- my marriage, my work life, my friendships, my financial situation, you name it.
But I've had a really rough couple of weeks. my new wife and I still live in different homes while we try to sell hers and find a new one for us that's doable from my work. After much searching, we found a lovely match. We were nervous about buying before selling, but did the math and found we could swing it for as long as needed. We were the first ones to see this house, but someone got an offer in a few hours before us. We missed it. Huge bummer. Then I got really sick, brochitis. Joy.
Then on Halloween, this young man we've been to heck and back with trying to get him help with his alcoholism, checked himself out of rehab. I talked to him, he seemed committed to sobriety, but I could tell he was the same man who went into rehab. I tried to talk to him about true recovery, that we have to be wiling to change ourselves or we will drink. If you don't work on what made you want to drink, you are bound to go back. Well, he did.
Two nights ago, he was on my partners doorstep drunk.she called me after. We had a long hard chat about the boundaries, our fears and prayers for him. If he doesn't sober up he's going to be homeless in the cold. He gets a bit violent when he drinks, he gets suicidal sometimes. Nobody can keep him safely in their home. Frankly, he's blown so many chances with us we don't want him with us.
I can't watch him die. He knows this. He knows I care about him. I told him I will never give up on him for as long as he breathes, but I can't watch him die.
That night is when things got crappy for me. I'm a recovering alkie, I am incredibly grateful for my sponsor and sober friendships. While I don't attend many meetings, I take service seriously. I tried very very hard to help this young man. I've taken him to meetings, the hospital, sat and held his hand in the hospital, visited him in rehab, gave him my own "lucky" copy of the big book. I most certainly care for this kid. If he asks me to take him to hospital or rehab again, I'll drop everything and take him again. But when he shows up drunk blaming everyone else for his lack of recovery, I gotta let him go.
Again, I can't watch him die. After I got off the phone with my wife, I started to have flashbacks. You see, my mother was one of us. She died of a drug overdose, but she was likely alcoholic too. I was 13 and didn't know about the drugs until I found them after her death, but in hindsight I know I was watching her die for some time. Until one late afternoon in September, when I walked into her bedroom and found her dead. I'm one of those "calm in a crisis" people. I stared at her belly and when I was sure she wasn't breathing, I told my dad I was calling 911. I may be kinda good Ina crisis, but clearly I was still very much a kid. Even on the phone with dispatch, telling them she wasn't breathing, that she was blue, it didn't register to me that she was gone.
The other night, my flashbacks were relentless. I couldn't stop crying. I'm tearing up now as I type. 30 years later, and it still gets to me. I see her body as I found it. She had kind of slithered under her bed as she died, so when my dad came in he threw the bed across the room. He was kind of hysterical. Strangely, I was the calm one. Maybe he understood better. That's probably it.
The other flashback I get is 6 days later, at her funeral. By then, I had found the drugs, so we knew about them. My dad made me promise to lie to anyone who asked how she died. For years, I had to say she had a heart attack. Trust me when you are a kid and someone finds out you don't have a mom, they always ask how she died. Every damn time.
I had cried off and on all week, like a normal kid, until her funeral. A bunch of her "friends" showed up. I didn't know much, but I could tell they were bad news. They made a big scene of fake grief. I was too disgusted to grieve myself. I just stared at my mom in the casket. But that made me feel awful too. You see, I had to pick her outfit. The funeral home warned me that there would be an incision from the autopsy up her neck. So I picked an outfit that I liked her in, one I knew she liked, that had a high collar. But it wasn't high enough. So I sat there, disgusted with these fake friends and their fake grief, staring at my mother's incision that I had failed to cover up. I didn't cry. I didn't cry at her funeral, and I didn't cry again until my twenties. To this day, my father won't go to funerals. No even his own brothers.
The other night, those flashbacks came and kept alternating and wouldn't go away. Usually they go away. I was kind of alarmed by their staying power. By then it was late, I didn't want to wake my partner, but my lovely sr friend was up. We texted for a while.
I went to work the next day, yep the flashbacks were still there but stayed in the background. Yesterday I went to a yoga class, it was a really good one with lots of meditation. I came home and the flashbacks kicked up again. Today, in and out.
Maybe I'm grieving mom. Maybe I'm grieving dad too, because he may be walking around still but I lost him the same day as mom. He turned on me. I got yelled at a lot. I moved out as soon as I could, far far away. I've tried to have a relationship with him but it's never quite worked out.
But you know what I've learned? I've learned that I no longer feel any need to Blot stuff out.. I've had flashbacks since getting sober, and I've always ridden them out, but never this long. I now know I can do it. I know what triggered them (our alcoholic neighbor), but I have no idea why they're persisting. I think maybe it's just bubbling up as another layer of healing. Apparently I've got a lot of healing left. I have faith that with prayer, meditation, and honesty all things can heal. There's clearly more and when the time is right I'll find out what it is.
Another layer of healing. Healing from alcoholism, past trauma, all the crap in our lives. Things will bubble to the surface. **** will happen. But every time we deal with it, we get a little stronger. We get a little more light in our lives.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
I appreciate your honesty and could feel your distress in reliving all of what you have been through. But truthfully, what came through even more clearly was your strengths and that you are facing these memories head on, and reaching out for help as you navigate this upheaval. This too shall Pass is one of the most valuable reminders for ME....that yes, you have been triggered by recent events, but you recognize this for what it is....I am not diminishing your past and perhaps it's worth doing a 4th Step with your sponsor (if you are in AA, that is) or seeking a professional to help you through this temporary crisis.
You sound quite solid in your Recovery and very grounded. Sobriety doesn't mean that our lives are smooth sailing, but that we are much better equipped to handle whatever comes our way.
My best to you and hope that an even BETTER house comes your way!!
You sound quite solid in your Recovery and very grounded. Sobriety doesn't mean that our lives are smooth sailing, but that we are much better equipped to handle whatever comes our way.
My best to you and hope that an even BETTER house comes your way!!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
I'm really sorry this has bought up old memories for you.
It is hard to see a car crash happening in slow motion and knowing there's really jack all you can do.
You wouldn't be the decent caring and compassionate person you are if it didn't affect you wehav.
Continued prayers for you and your wife, and this young guy.
D
It is hard to see a car crash happening in slow motion and knowing there's really jack all you can do.
You wouldn't be the decent caring and compassionate person you are if it didn't affect you wehav.
Continued prayers for you and your wife, and this young guy.
D
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
(((We)))! I wish we could all be there hugging you in person. You are stronger than perhaps you realize. Flashbacks are definitely no fun but going through them can take away much of their power over time. It's not a picnic by any stretch. No child should have to go through such trauma. I think I know you well enough by now that I can honestly say that you will get through this.
I also understand how heartbreaking it can be to see your neighbor throwing away his chances when we know recovery is possible. Yet, he can only heal if and when he decides to do so.
I also understand how heartbreaking it can be to see your neighbor throwing away his chances when we know recovery is possible. Yet, he can only heal if and when he decides to do so.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
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Wow I didn't realize how looooooong that was until I posted. I didn't edit, lest I lose my nerve to post.
Hide, thank you for your kind words. A fourth step, hadn't thought of that. Now I gotta go do more work???
I definitely don't rule out counseling if this persists. Right now I think it's just part of the recovery. The more honest and open we are, the more we will have come up.
I definitely think it's worth it. If anyone new to recovery is reading this, please know it's worth it. This stuff is part of life and we live so much better when we shed light on things.
Addiction loves secrecy. Addiction wants us to bury stuff. I wrote this out because when it's out in the open, there isn't a darn thing my addiction can do with that.
Hide, thank you for your kind words. A fourth step, hadn't thought of that. Now I gotta go do more work???
I definitely don't rule out counseling if this persists. Right now I think it's just part of the recovery. The more honest and open we are, the more we will have come up.
I definitely think it's worth it. If anyone new to recovery is reading this, please know it's worth it. This stuff is part of life and we live so much better when we shed light on things.
Addiction loves secrecy. Addiction wants us to bury stuff. I wrote this out because when it's out in the open, there isn't a darn thing my addiction can do with that.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Hi, WeHave2Day,
I think that by virtue of recovering, we are inherently brave people.
Your life has prevailed upon you to build even more bravery. I cannot tell you that I have any solutions for your flashbacks, except to do what you have done so far -- strive to find peace in your life. Whatever form that takes.
You've been a good person to an addict -- caring above and beyond the call of duty. Dee is right; it's hard to watch the car crash. And you're right. You've got to let him go.
Take good care and know that there is a lot of support here. Best regards.
I think that by virtue of recovering, we are inherently brave people.
Your life has prevailed upon you to build even more bravery. I cannot tell you that I have any solutions for your flashbacks, except to do what you have done so far -- strive to find peace in your life. Whatever form that takes.
You've been a good person to an addict -- caring above and beyond the call of duty. Dee is right; it's hard to watch the car crash. And you're right. You've got to let him go.
Take good care and know that there is a lot of support here. Best regards.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi wehav2day, thank you for sharing. It is posts like yours that keep SR at the forefront of my daily life, and likely will for a long time. You obviously have endured a lot and have been quite the survivor. I applaud you. Very sorry about your family situation, and of course your friend. Surely there is a reason for your recent flashbacks, the brain is a very complex organ. Wish you the very best.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,129
This was a very very good post. You helped me more than you know.
I have been carrying around the fear of grieving my mother's death for two years. She died from cancer related to smoking and drinking.
Every time I think of her, I stuff it away for fear of a breakdown.
You just showed me there is a way and it won't kill me or hurt me to face it.
I'm sorry about your friend, and I hope you find a great place to live soon!
Thank you again, in your honesty you truly said a lot I needed to hear.
I have been carrying around the fear of grieving my mother's death for two years. She died from cancer related to smoking and drinking.
Every time I think of her, I stuff it away for fear of a breakdown.
You just showed me there is a way and it won't kill me or hurt me to face it.
I'm sorry about your friend, and I hope you find a great place to live soon!
Thank you again, in your honesty you truly said a lot I needed to hear.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,508
Originally Posted by wehav2day 
I've had flashbacks since getting sober, and I've always ridden them out, but never this long. I now know I can do it. I know what triggered them (our alcoholic neighbor), but I have no idea why they're persisting. I think maybe it's just bubbling up as another layer of healing. Apparently I've got a lot of healing left. I have faith that with prayer, meditation, and honesty all things can heal. There's clearly more and when the time is right I'll find out what it is.
Another layer of healing. Healing from alcoholism, past trauma, all the crap in our lives. Things will bubble to the surface. **** will happen. But every time we deal with it, we get a little stronger. We get a little more light in our lives.
Another layer of healing. Healing from alcoholism, past trauma, all the crap in our lives. Things will bubble to the surface. **** will happen. But every time we deal with it, we get a little stronger. We get a little more light in our lives.
whav my love ~ I know you have been ill, and I'm so sorry about the house.
And I am so sad for this young man. You are doing everything you can for him, and then you have to let go...as you know, and that can be so very painful.
It's no wonder that it has brought back the past with your parents. But yes love, I think you are right. This has bubbled up and refused to go away this time, because perhaps it is time to let it all out and finally begin to heal.
Sending you love my dear friend. ♥
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(((Melina)))), sorry about your mom. I stuffed my memories down for years too, and drank to forget them for good measure. if you let it out, it won't be fun, but it will get better. And you will lose the fear.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Just sending you a virtual hug. If the flashbacks persist, definitely seek out some professional help. The Steps are terrific, and can provide a lot of relief, but some things need a little "extra."
Thanks for your service, and remember--whether this kid stays sober or not, YOU are.
Thanks for your service, and remember--whether this kid stays sober or not, YOU are.
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Thank you, Lexie that means a lot. Yeah right now I'm at the wait and see stage with the flashbacks. The more I think about it, the more it feels they are like little earthquakes in my recovery, making cracks to let the light through. Gosh tha sounds hippy, but it's how it feels.
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My lovely friend...you went through and saw more than a child ever should. Our parents are supposed to protect us from trauma and provide a safe loving environment...and when that doesn't happen, the scars stay with us for a long long time.
As you know, I had some difficult times in childhood, and flashbacks were a symptom for me too. Not so much now, with support I seem to have moved past the worst, although of course I can't predict when or if an event will trigger a spate of them again.
This is tough, because our natural instinct is to want to block them out, whereas for me, I had to move through them with the complete understanding that thoughts cannot hurt me. I am safe now. I am no longer that little girl.
You are an amazing person. Even with all those life events going on, you reached out to someone in need and offered them a hand of support. But you cannot save him. As much as you want to, that decision is his. You cannot save him any more than you could have saved your Mum. Life truly sucks sometimes.
Do what you need to do. If the flashbacks persist, you may need to go and talk it through with someone professional. In the meantime...please look after you with prayer, meditation and kindness.
You are a strong, courageous, loving person wehav, and I love you loads. And what an advert for sobriety...standing tall throughout all this. ❤️❤️❤️
As you know, I had some difficult times in childhood, and flashbacks were a symptom for me too. Not so much now, with support I seem to have moved past the worst, although of course I can't predict when or if an event will trigger a spate of them again.
This is tough, because our natural instinct is to want to block them out, whereas for me, I had to move through them with the complete understanding that thoughts cannot hurt me. I am safe now. I am no longer that little girl.
You are an amazing person. Even with all those life events going on, you reached out to someone in need and offered them a hand of support. But you cannot save him. As much as you want to, that decision is his. You cannot save him any more than you could have saved your Mum. Life truly sucks sometimes.
Do what you need to do. If the flashbacks persist, you may need to go and talk it through with someone professional. In the meantime...please look after you with prayer, meditation and kindness.
You are a strong, courageous, loving person wehav, and I love you loads. And what an advert for sobriety...standing tall throughout all this. ❤️❤️❤️
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Originally Posted by wehav2day
(((Melina)))), sorry about your mom. I stuffed my memories down for years too, and drank to forget them for good measure. if you let it out, it won't be fun, but it will get better. And you will lose the fear.
It's nice to meet you, and thank you again. You really soothed me by speaking my thoughts out loud. It's so so helpful what happens here on SR!
I hope you can distance yourself from your alcoholic friend. Like, now. I know it hurts but it's the only way to preserve yourself. Have you gone to the Friends and Family forums? I've found it helpful to read from the codependents and Alanon perspective.
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Originally Posted by wehav2day
Addiction loves secrecy. Addiction wants us to bury stuff. I wrote this out because when it's out in the open, there isn't a darn thing my addiction can do with that.
THAT statement if so flipping brilliant...it's so true. Thank you for that. (Well for the rest of your post, of course, but especially for that.)
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Jeni, thank you my friend. I'm not averse to seeing a pro on this, but so far I think it's recovery growing pains. Thankfully I have friends like you as my recovery network.
Thank hp for recovery networks!!
Melina, by all means see someone if it helps you. Get it all out. Don't be afraid. There's a healthy, happy free person inside of you, you can find her and help her flourish.
Kitty, it's absolutely true. I think of secrets and shame kind of like the wicked witch in Oz. shine light on them, and they fizzle away like the witch with water. Kind of weird, but it's a visual that makes me smile.
The flashbacks are further in the background so far today. We'll see how the rest of the day unfolds...
Thank you everybody for reading and responding! Your comments have been helping me a lot!!
Thank hp for recovery networks!!
Melina, by all means see someone if it helps you. Get it all out. Don't be afraid. There's a healthy, happy free person inside of you, you can find her and help her flourish.
Kitty, it's absolutely true. I think of secrets and shame kind of like the wicked witch in Oz. shine light on them, and they fizzle away like the witch with water. Kind of weird, but it's a visual that makes me smile.
The flashbacks are further in the background so far today. We'll see how the rest of the day unfolds...
Thank you everybody for reading and responding! Your comments have been helping me a lot!!
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