THippy

When you decided to join Alanon, how did you tell your A, and how did they react?

firebolt

I just said I was going to an Alanon meeting. XABF asked what that was and I just said it's support for me with people going through the same things as me. He didn't really respond. But that the time I had an active alcoholic boss, I'm sure he chalked it up to "because of her." lol

Wisconsin

It never really came up. I did not feel the need to tell him, as the meetings I attended were over my lunch break at work, and I suspected it would create conflict.

I did, however, mention once that I read Al Anon stuff online. And that prompted five years of passive aggressive crap about how the Al Anon stuff turned me against him.

LexieCat

Do you tell him EVERYWHERE you go? If you think it's going to provoke unpleasantness, I'd skip the announcement and just go. You can say you're meeting some friends (true).

FindingAmy

I didn't tell him. I just went and so glad i did!

THippy

I do pretty much tell him everywhere that I go. Not because he demands it, we just do tell each other these things.
He and my DD16 have asked me if I'm okay in the last couple of days. I think they sense a difference in me and they're wondering what's up. I feel like there's this sleeping giant (recovery?) inside of me that is bigger than me and there's no way I can keep it a secret. I don't know if I should keep it a secret.
Yikes! I think I'll just keep it to myself for a while, until I'm feeling less raw.

LexieCat

You might keep it to yourself for the first few meetings, at least. Once you have a better sense of what it's about, you might be in a better position to explain it to someone else.

Hangnbyathread

My ex was the one that wanted me to go. Her AA group encouraged them to tell their family members.

Then she learned it was to help me get away from her and she hated it. I think she either thought or was told that Al-Anon is a companion to AA. In her minds that probably meant, it was a path to further enabling for her.

Shortly thereafter she hated AA and you know the rest of the story.

THippy

Do you mean that it was her perception that Alanon was to help you get away from her?
Do you think that's what Alanon is?
I'm just getting started here but I didn't think that was the goal of Alanon per se. More that it's about making yourself healthy. I do see that in most cases that leads to parting ways with the A in your life. I suppose that's the logical conclusion of the A never seeks recovery.
What a fun ride this is.

Hangnbyathread

Al Anon is about teaching you how to take care of you. It also teaches you about alcoholism, alcoholics, their typical paths followed and how to cope with that as part of your life if you choose to keep them in your life. Once I realized that most of the room has exactly the same type issues happening to them, it helps validate that you aren't crazy, aren't the problem, and are not responsible for trying to control what your drunk is doing.

Which places distance between you and the alcoholic. Distance from the perspective of, you will no longer be doing the same things to end up making yourself miserable. Which tends to go against the wishes of the alcoholic.

Now let me qualify this a bit. My class was 98% females. In long term relationships. With little resources or skills to be on their own. So the best they can hope for, and do get, is a support group that helps them cope with the life they will have. If nothing more than to just go to a place to talk. Hugely helpful for you.

FOR ME....it wasn't what I needed. I wasn't trying to figure out how to live with an alcoholic. I was trying to see if it would offer me some way I hadn't seen that would help her NOT be an alcoholic. I was already on my way out of the relationship. I had hoped this would give me some way to save what was once a good relationship, turned bad by alcohol.

Also FOR ME, I got turned off by the attachment to God Faith and Religion as the keys to successfully dealing with this. For those that it works for, I am delighted. For me it sent me in the other direction. I am a believer that we should be in control of our lives and outcomes before anyone or anything else. God didn't get me into this, I don't feel he needs to get me out of it.

But please hear me...there is NOTHING wrong with anyone finding peace and comfort from a faith based approach. Whatever works for you is what is important.

schnappi99

What was helpful to me in alanon was learning about how destructive to me and others my judgements were. I started out full of justified resentment etc about why we now had this alcoholism problem and how it was because of her blah blah. Turns out my justifications & determination to get what I think I need just turn me into a ***** and has for decades.

It felt peaceful to <stop> trying to control or even thinking about how & what I might or might not need to. Its why I keep coming back, because staying stopped is tricky and getting right-sized about whats my business and what isn't is a daily process.

It means to me I let her be in her space, not ignoring her but detaching. It does mean allowing the emotional distance to be what it needs to be, where before I was demanding closeness, always pushing for the intimacy (physical, emotional) I wanted. If that means we keep growing apart then it is what it is, hopefully the pendulum will swing back at some point, but either way what it means now is I can sit down with her (just did it this morning) and see how she's feeling about my attitude- am I pushing her away am I increasing the distance, or am I there and present and responsive and giving her the space to heal as she will. If she chooses to share things about herself thats great (she did not do so this time) but I am free to have no expectations which feels great.

Maybe its not perfect and I sure don't do a perfect job of it but it sure beats the fighting and anger.