So, he has moved out and I'm ok
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
So, he has moved out and I'm ok
Well, the day came and went. He moved out and I've had the time and the space (although it's only been a few days) to reflect. And while I know I still have more healing to do I have found a few things during this process.
First, in his moving out I realized he was never here anyway. When he was physically in the house, which wasn't often, he was either working in his office or sleeping (read as: escaping). There was no conversation unless initiated by me, which was usually only responded to with, "ok" or "yeah" or "no" or nothing at all. When he wasn't in the house, well, he wasn't in the house. So, his leaving took the stress of him being here out. It took the stress of coming home and seeing his car in the driveway out. It took the heaviness out of my house. It has given me space. It's given me some peace. I can breathe. I can meditate wherever I want. I don't have to hide my purse. I play my music in my house all day long. I light candles at night. I clean the kitchen and it stays that way. My house is lighter and I feel lighter as well.
But the biggest thing for me was that for the past many, many years I have been so lonely and alone in the marriage that his leaving really didn't change that part of my world. There is no laughing together to miss, or great conversation, or warm hellos/goodbyes, no cuddling to miss. So much was missing from the marriage for so many years, that he had just become a body in the house. A roommate. Not someone I relied on. Not someone I shared anything with or that shared anything with me. I realized how little there really was in the marriage.
I had had so many weeks/months of worry about his leaving. What would I do? How would I live? Maybe I really do love him and I'll never find love again. Maybe it's better to stay comfortable uncomfortable. Maybe I can learn to deal with his nonsense. Maybe, maybe, maybe. The list went on and on. As it got closer to his leaving some of those worries started to drift away. My concern really was my adult kids and if they'd be ok. All those fears, all that worry, was just that...fear. And now I realize I can live, I can survive (better than ever), I will find work, I will maybe again find love, my kids will get through this (with time and hopefully some therapy), we will all be ok. I will be better than ok.
I realized I have unbelievable friends who have been with me every step of the way. Who would just listen to me cry for hours and say nothing. Just listen and be compassionate. That the more I opened up my heart, the more my circle widened and opportunities started to present themselves. I realized I had shut down my world for many years. I had completely shut myself off from the world and I am slowly starting to open up that door. And as I do that more and more great people are coming into my life.
I was so worried about turning 50 and being single. I am so excited to turn 50 now and what the world has to offer.
When all of this fell apart months ago I went to an Alanon meeting with such anger. "Why should I have to go to this, I'm not the one with the problem. I didn't ask for this. Look what he's turned my life into." I went to one meeting, walked out and said those people are crazy. Their situation is worse than mine. And I never went back for months. I went to therapy, did alot of yoga, read a ton of books and found this site. Slowly my anger started to dissipate and I started to see signs of my heart opening. I tried a few more meetings at the urging of you wonderful people on this site, but I still couldn't connect.
One day in yoga, I started to talking to someone I hadn't seen in years and told her my situation in a very quick nutshell. She said there was a meeting she's been going to for a while that she loves. Apparently she had issues in her family as well. I went to the meeting and everything changed. The feeling in that group was totally different. There was strength and hope and wisdom. I'm sure it was in the other meetings as well, but this one resonated with me. Not only have I kept going back, but I am now looking to start the steps with a sponsor. Something I never thought I'd do, but I get the value in it now.
I remember sitting in Alanon once and someone saying to a beginner, just keep coming, the magic will happen. And i remember thinking to myself "when, and how is that possible, and this makes no sense." I get it now. And it is possible. I think it's a matter of hearing the message over and over again. And being with people who get you and your situation and you get theirs. About using the tools and the sayings and the knowledge when events arise each day in my life. Alanon is a truly beautiful thing. This site is equally as wonderful. I see why people go for years. Alanon is something everyone can benefit from. The messages are for everyone, regardless of their life situation, but being in an alcoholic marriage they mean even more.
I know I am rambling on, but I just had to say, that my husband's moving out has really opened my eyes and given me time to see that I am going to be ok, if not more than ok. I am strong and I really see my worth and my value that I hadn't known about for so long. I am excited to move forward and see what the world has to offer me.
Feeling really grateful and hopeful. Thank you all.
First, in his moving out I realized he was never here anyway. When he was physically in the house, which wasn't often, he was either working in his office or sleeping (read as: escaping). There was no conversation unless initiated by me, which was usually only responded to with, "ok" or "yeah" or "no" or nothing at all. When he wasn't in the house, well, he wasn't in the house. So, his leaving took the stress of him being here out. It took the stress of coming home and seeing his car in the driveway out. It took the heaviness out of my house. It has given me space. It's given me some peace. I can breathe. I can meditate wherever I want. I don't have to hide my purse. I play my music in my house all day long. I light candles at night. I clean the kitchen and it stays that way. My house is lighter and I feel lighter as well.
But the biggest thing for me was that for the past many, many years I have been so lonely and alone in the marriage that his leaving really didn't change that part of my world. There is no laughing together to miss, or great conversation, or warm hellos/goodbyes, no cuddling to miss. So much was missing from the marriage for so many years, that he had just become a body in the house. A roommate. Not someone I relied on. Not someone I shared anything with or that shared anything with me. I realized how little there really was in the marriage.
I had had so many weeks/months of worry about his leaving. What would I do? How would I live? Maybe I really do love him and I'll never find love again. Maybe it's better to stay comfortable uncomfortable. Maybe I can learn to deal with his nonsense. Maybe, maybe, maybe. The list went on and on. As it got closer to his leaving some of those worries started to drift away. My concern really was my adult kids and if they'd be ok. All those fears, all that worry, was just that...fear. And now I realize I can live, I can survive (better than ever), I will find work, I will maybe again find love, my kids will get through this (with time and hopefully some therapy), we will all be ok. I will be better than ok.
I realized I have unbelievable friends who have been with me every step of the way. Who would just listen to me cry for hours and say nothing. Just listen and be compassionate. That the more I opened up my heart, the more my circle widened and opportunities started to present themselves. I realized I had shut down my world for many years. I had completely shut myself off from the world and I am slowly starting to open up that door. And as I do that more and more great people are coming into my life.
I was so worried about turning 50 and being single. I am so excited to turn 50 now and what the world has to offer.
When all of this fell apart months ago I went to an Alanon meeting with such anger. "Why should I have to go to this, I'm not the one with the problem. I didn't ask for this. Look what he's turned my life into." I went to one meeting, walked out and said those people are crazy. Their situation is worse than mine. And I never went back for months. I went to therapy, did alot of yoga, read a ton of books and found this site. Slowly my anger started to dissipate and I started to see signs of my heart opening. I tried a few more meetings at the urging of you wonderful people on this site, but I still couldn't connect.
One day in yoga, I started to talking to someone I hadn't seen in years and told her my situation in a very quick nutshell. She said there was a meeting she's been going to for a while that she loves. Apparently she had issues in her family as well. I went to the meeting and everything changed. The feeling in that group was totally different. There was strength and hope and wisdom. I'm sure it was in the other meetings as well, but this one resonated with me. Not only have I kept going back, but I am now looking to start the steps with a sponsor. Something I never thought I'd do, but I get the value in it now.
I remember sitting in Alanon once and someone saying to a beginner, just keep coming, the magic will happen. And i remember thinking to myself "when, and how is that possible, and this makes no sense." I get it now. And it is possible. I think it's a matter of hearing the message over and over again. And being with people who get you and your situation and you get theirs. About using the tools and the sayings and the knowledge when events arise each day in my life. Alanon is a truly beautiful thing. This site is equally as wonderful. I see why people go for years. Alanon is something everyone can benefit from. The messages are for everyone, regardless of their life situation, but being in an alcoholic marriage they mean even more.
I know I am rambling on, but I just had to say, that my husband's moving out has really opened my eyes and given me time to see that I am going to be ok, if not more than ok. I am strong and I really see my worth and my value that I hadn't known about for so long. I am excited to move forward and see what the world has to offer me.
Feeling really grateful and hopeful. Thank you all.
Just wanted to say, that was beautiful, I'll respond more when my tears stop. 
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Really happy for you! Being single for most of my 50s has been GREAT. Actually, I just did the math. I was 49 when I kicked out the last ex and I'm 59 now. Of course, I spent the first three years drinking (which isn't the optimal way to live alone), but since I got sober it's been terrific.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Amy, what a wonderful update!! So happy for you, you deserve to find and love yourself. You deserve a happy life without chaos.
As far as your kids gto, I think the greatest gift you can give them is a happy, healthy mom. An unhappily married mom just gives them a distortd view on relationships. a happy, single mom shows them what strength looks like, and shows them that they don't have to settle.
enjoy your freedom!
As far as your kids gto, I think the greatest gift you can give them is a happy, healthy mom. An unhappily married mom just gives them a distortd view on relationships. a happy, single mom shows them what strength looks like, and shows them that they don't have to settle.
enjoy your freedom!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
That's so awesome Amy! Everyone here kept telling me that things would come as I need them. I was apprehensive, but whadoyaknow - they do!
You are going to be better than ok - ride that happy wave - you are way stronger than you ever thought!
You are going to be better than ok - ride that happy wave - you are way stronger than you ever thought!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I can't like your thread enough! So very proud of you and happy for reclaiming your piece of happiness! I echo your sentiments in your paragraph re feeling so utterly alone in the marriage that there was very little to miss at the end. Sad isn't it that they remove themselves from life. Short of cooking dinner everynight and doing the grocery shopping, it's like my then husband didn't exist.
Kudos to you. Seriously happy for your future, Amy!
Kudos to you. Seriously happy for your future, Amy!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Amy,
It was such a fear of being "alone", then realizing that you had been alone a long time. I did this one year ago. I remember the first night in my new place and I slept. I hadn't slept that soundly in 20 years. This place was all mine. No garage door opening late at night, no one hitting my bed while stumbling to bed, me not looking out the window to see if his car was there. So many crazy things while dealing with an addict.
I am so proud of you, you conquered your fears and survived. Life is so much better with out them. Not saying you can't still worry and care, but so much better knowing that God is taking care of them, not us anymore.
Hugs my friend and enjoy your peace and quiet!!
It was such a fear of being "alone", then realizing that you had been alone a long time. I did this one year ago. I remember the first night in my new place and I slept. I hadn't slept that soundly in 20 years. This place was all mine. No garage door opening late at night, no one hitting my bed while stumbling to bed, me not looking out the window to see if his car was there. So many crazy things while dealing with an addict.
I am so proud of you, you conquered your fears and survived. Life is so much better with out them. Not saying you can't still worry and care, but so much better knowing that God is taking care of them, not us anymore.
Hugs my friend and enjoy your peace and quiet!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
I believe that if every one of us going through the trauma of an "A" in our lives could take a calm, peaceful week by ourselves with NO outside interference we would all gain strength and clarity. I think if we could do this and allow ourselves to empty our minds of all the BS and negative "talk" from the A, our friends and family and especially ourselves that at the end of the week we would have much more peace and perspective on everything.
Unfortunately most of us can't.
Amy, I am glad you are through the worst of it. Stay strong. Be happy!
Unfortunately most of us can't.
Amy, I am glad you are through the worst of it. Stay strong. Be happy!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Lyssy, you are so right. The space allows such quietness, such peace and such clarity. It's like turning off all the noise and settling down. It was something I was so afraid of and now I can't imagine having it any other way. Sometimes we just need to step away, out of the madness. In my case I was too afraid, and so he left, and I thank him for that. For the first time, his selfishness (of wanting his own bachelor pad) actually benefitted me and I'm so happy for that.
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