So TIRED
lost n exhausted
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 26
So TIRED
I came here a couple of years ago all angry because my alcoholic son had been arrested for the first time. Everyone here was very welcoming and I believed he had hit bottom and would get his act together. Boy was I dumb.
After two more arrests (violent w/girlfriend he lives(d) with) She's a whole different story of psycho, and get this: she went to school and became a drug/alcohol counselor. HA! The irony.
During his last lock up I was diagnosed and going through treatment for cancer, my husband and I struggled with money issues due to medical bills as well as my still not having it together enough to go back to work, but not qualifying for any aid. We managed to squeeze out enough to put on his books so he could call and verbally abuse me while I was sick. Son gets out, finds a job that I have to drive him to and from, he's thirty and never had a license (thank God), then quit his job in June.
It gets quiet and they even start coming over to visit and have meals together like normal families. I've learned when things get quiet or "seem" semi-normal that's when my guard goes up because the chaos tornado is coming.
Last weekend his girlfriend called and told me how he had been stealing from her purse, got completely wasted during a football game, got into a fist fight with his best friend, exposed himself in front of the friends that were there and never made it to a job interview the following day. I didn't say much but he dropped hints that things weren't going too well. (ya think?)
Tonight he calls again, drunk. Tells me everything was going to hit the fan and nobody cares, we only care about his brother and that we (his family) could F-off while he predicted he would probably end up in jail again or homeless.
After the verbal abuse, he asks if he could move back in and hangs up on me twice. I gathered up our phones, turned them off and tossed them into a drawer for the night. Quack Quack Quack.
Sad thing is I think he may be right. Maybe I just don't care anymore. I write this at 1:30 am because you know, that's when all the action happens. For the first time I believe I can just go to sleep without laying awake worrying, because I am just too damn tired to worry about his mess of a life anymore.
Since coming here a couple of years ago I've basically just been a reader. I do go to alanon meetings when I feel healthy enough. Just want to thank everyone who shares on this site.
for listening.
After two more arrests (violent w/girlfriend he lives(d) with) She's a whole different story of psycho, and get this: she went to school and became a drug/alcohol counselor. HA! The irony.
During his last lock up I was diagnosed and going through treatment for cancer, my husband and I struggled with money issues due to medical bills as well as my still not having it together enough to go back to work, but not qualifying for any aid. We managed to squeeze out enough to put on his books so he could call and verbally abuse me while I was sick. Son gets out, finds a job that I have to drive him to and from, he's thirty and never had a license (thank God), then quit his job in June.
It gets quiet and they even start coming over to visit and have meals together like normal families. I've learned when things get quiet or "seem" semi-normal that's when my guard goes up because the chaos tornado is coming.
Last weekend his girlfriend called and told me how he had been stealing from her purse, got completely wasted during a football game, got into a fist fight with his best friend, exposed himself in front of the friends that were there and never made it to a job interview the following day. I didn't say much but he dropped hints that things weren't going too well. (ya think?)
Tonight he calls again, drunk. Tells me everything was going to hit the fan and nobody cares, we only care about his brother and that we (his family) could F-off while he predicted he would probably end up in jail again or homeless.
After the verbal abuse, he asks if he could move back in and hangs up on me twice. I gathered up our phones, turned them off and tossed them into a drawer for the night. Quack Quack Quack.
Sad thing is I think he may be right. Maybe I just don't care anymore. I write this at 1:30 am because you know, that's when all the action happens. For the first time I believe I can just go to sleep without laying awake worrying, because I am just too damn tired to worry about his mess of a life anymore.
Since coming here a couple of years ago I've basically just been a reader. I do go to alanon meetings when I feel healthy enough. Just want to thank everyone who shares on this site.
for listening.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Coolidge......I can identify with how exhausted you are....I have been there.
I gave been in exactly your shoes, over the years.....
Good move in putting away the phones.
He is trying to hit all of your "mother's guilt" buttons, of course. He knows where your hot buttons are better than you do.
Of course you do care....that is why you are even here, writing....and why you are so exhausted. (this exhaustion is terrible for your I mmune system).
Also, be glad that he doesn't have a driver's license...because, in my opinion, the worst thing for an active alcoholic is having a driver's license.
It may be time for you to consider loving him from an even greater distance than you already have. That concept probably hits you very hard, right now...and, you probably can't conceive of enduring that---given how devoted you have been to him. You probably are afraid of losing the love between you and him. That won't really happen....but loving from a distance may be the only thing that can help either of you right now.
Try to keep in mind that allowing this to destroy you will not help him in the least!
I will suggest that the worst thing you can do is to let him move right back into your house. No adult child ever gets to sobriety in their parent's house.
It might ease reality for him, right now....but it will become even worse, down the road.
It sounds like he is getting ready for another round...maybe. I hope you and your husband will see clear to resist his pleas and accusations.....It won't be easy and it will feel awful to you...but, if he is ever going to accept his responsibilities in life...you will have to stop being his soft place to fall. Another thing to consider....the more you d for him....the more he will blame you and resent you, down the road.....(trust me on this!).
Mom.....hit alanon, again, of course.....does your h usband go with you....? That wouldn't be a bad idea, if he did.
My immediate suggestion---is to find a counselor who has several years of recovery time....A long recovered alcoholic can better guide you in knowing the next right thing.....better than anyone else...
Go to a few open AA meetings....that might sound counterintuitive....but, it can help.
Mom...this is going to be a marathon, more than a sprint as you are already finding out, no doubt.
You are going to need to gather all the support from others that you can....the more, the better.
I know you are too tired to read....but later, you can contact me by private message and I can give you the names of a couple of books written by mothers who went through the marathon (with success) and lived to write about it.....
There are not too many books written by the parents of adult alcoholics, I discovered......
this is not your fault.....
dandylion
I gave been in exactly your shoes, over the years.....
Good move in putting away the phones.
He is trying to hit all of your "mother's guilt" buttons, of course. He knows where your hot buttons are better than you do.
Of course you do care....that is why you are even here, writing....and why you are so exhausted. (this exhaustion is terrible for your I mmune system).
Also, be glad that he doesn't have a driver's license...because, in my opinion, the worst thing for an active alcoholic is having a driver's license.
It may be time for you to consider loving him from an even greater distance than you already have. That concept probably hits you very hard, right now...and, you probably can't conceive of enduring that---given how devoted you have been to him. You probably are afraid of losing the love between you and him. That won't really happen....but loving from a distance may be the only thing that can help either of you right now.
Try to keep in mind that allowing this to destroy you will not help him in the least!
I will suggest that the worst thing you can do is to let him move right back into your house. No adult child ever gets to sobriety in their parent's house.
It might ease reality for him, right now....but it will become even worse, down the road.
It sounds like he is getting ready for another round...maybe. I hope you and your husband will see clear to resist his pleas and accusations.....It won't be easy and it will feel awful to you...but, if he is ever going to accept his responsibilities in life...you will have to stop being his soft place to fall. Another thing to consider....the more you d for him....the more he will blame you and resent you, down the road.....(trust me on this!).
Mom.....hit alanon, again, of course.....does your h usband go with you....? That wouldn't be a bad idea, if he did.
My immediate suggestion---is to find a counselor who has several years of recovery time....A long recovered alcoholic can better guide you in knowing the next right thing.....better than anyone else...
Go to a few open AA meetings....that might sound counterintuitive....but, it can help.
Mom...this is going to be a marathon, more than a sprint as you are already finding out, no doubt.
You are going to need to gather all the support from others that you can....the more, the better.
I know you are too tired to read....but later, you can contact me by private message and I can give you the names of a couple of books written by mothers who went through the marathon (with success) and lived to write about it.....
There are not too many books written by the parents of adult alcoholics, I discovered......
this is not your fault.....
dandylion
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Cool, don't take it the wrong way when I say I enjoyed reading your post. You seem to have the right blend of cynicism and world weary humour, and you need it to get you through the treatment and put up with the drama.
I guess you know that it's high time you stopped letting him come home, turned the phones on silent at night or whenever you feel like some peace, let his GF deal with her own problems her way. I mean you gave birth to him, did your best in raising him but you're not responsible for his whole life.
If you value your peace don't let him come within a mile of you at the moment. You need all the space, money and tranquility you can handle, but he's just sucking you dry. He might have turned up for that job interview if he knew he didn't have moving back home as his plan B.
I guess you know that it's high time you stopped letting him come home, turned the phones on silent at night or whenever you feel like some peace, let his GF deal with her own problems her way. I mean you gave birth to him, did your best in raising him but you're not responsible for his whole life.
If you value your peace don't let him come within a mile of you at the moment. You need all the space, money and tranquility you can handle, but he's just sucking you dry. He might have turned up for that job interview if he knew he didn't have moving back home as his plan B.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Just sending you hugs-time to take care of yourself. I understand the feeling of just not being able to do it anymore. You do feel like you've just stopped caring. You must take care of yourself-addicts will suck you dry...emotionally, mentally and physically. Giving him a place to live only enables. Btdt. Peace to you and I hope your son finds sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: On my life path
Posts: 32
Thank you Coolidge for your post.
Your situation with your AS echoes how and what I have seen with my mom and AB and, whom like you is living with cancer.
It drives the rest of my siblings crazy that his addictions come first and foremost and he doesn't see how the stress of his addictive life can further compromise her health. The one saving grace in their relationship (my mom and AB) is that they live 2 hours apart. That distance certainly keeps him physically anyway from interfering too much in her tending to her own well being.
On the flip side my siblings and I understand the difficulty she as his mom faces and we've had enough discussions about my AB's addictions to respectfully disagree with each other on how we each need to handle ourselves with having him as a part of the family. So when he calls her because he's short on rent money for the month because he got pissed off about something and gambled the rent money away while shooting back a shot or beer or two we "rationalize" that for my mom helping him out brings her less stress then knowing if she doesn't he could be living in his vehicle again.
Is it the best thing she could do? Not in my view but like all of us on this journey we have to come to and set our boundaries in our own time.
Sending you healing vibrations, strength and light.
Your situation with your AS echoes how and what I have seen with my mom and AB and, whom like you is living with cancer.
It drives the rest of my siblings crazy that his addictions come first and foremost and he doesn't see how the stress of his addictive life can further compromise her health. The one saving grace in their relationship (my mom and AB) is that they live 2 hours apart. That distance certainly keeps him physically anyway from interfering too much in her tending to her own well being.
On the flip side my siblings and I understand the difficulty she as his mom faces and we've had enough discussions about my AB's addictions to respectfully disagree with each other on how we each need to handle ourselves with having him as a part of the family. So when he calls her because he's short on rent money for the month because he got pissed off about something and gambled the rent money away while shooting back a shot or beer or two we "rationalize" that for my mom helping him out brings her less stress then knowing if she doesn't he could be living in his vehicle again.
Is it the best thing she could do? Not in my view but like all of us on this journey we have to come to and set our boundaries in our own time.
Sending you healing vibrations, strength and light.
Last edited by SoulLight; 11-11-2015 at 04:53 AM. Reason: missed/incorrect
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Go easy on his g/f. She's been LIVING WITH an abusive drunk, which will make anyone seem a little "psycho." When/if you talk with her again, suggest she contact the National DV Hotline and/or her local shelter and talk with an advocate.
I second the suggestion of Al-Anon for you, as well as going no-contact with your son. Nobody has to put up with verbal abuse.
Hugs, glad you're back here.
I second the suggestion of Al-Anon for you, as well as going no-contact with your son. Nobody has to put up with verbal abuse.
Hugs, glad you're back here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
(((coolidge)))
this is a really really good thing - and will lead you to some serenity through it all!
For the first time I believe I can just go to sleep without laying awake worrying, because I am just too damn tired to worry about his mess of a life anymore.
lost n exhausted
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 26
Thanks to each and every one of you! All I could do was shake my head affirmative with each of your replies.
I cannot make the newcomers meeting tonight but plan to go to the alanon friends and family meeting tomorrow night.
Right now I am trying to decide what next. I really want to do nothing. Do I answer a call today and verbally tell him he is not welcome here (which will most likely lead to more verbal abuse/hang up) or just not answer at all and letting him figure it out (which most likely will end with him on the doorstep to demand the rest of his things he's been keeping here in case they break up. He's pretty crafty). Knowing him, he'd wait until late night to come over here and cause a stink as my hubs works third shift.
Personally, I'd like to go no contact at all and let him stew for a while since I've never done that so far, but I'm angry...so possible to not make a good decision is high right now.
I'm thankful for the support here, I have none anywhere else outside of Alanon.
I cannot make the newcomers meeting tonight but plan to go to the alanon friends and family meeting tomorrow night.
Right now I am trying to decide what next. I really want to do nothing. Do I answer a call today and verbally tell him he is not welcome here (which will most likely lead to more verbal abuse/hang up) or just not answer at all and letting him figure it out (which most likely will end with him on the doorstep to demand the rest of his things he's been keeping here in case they break up. He's pretty crafty). Knowing him, he'd wait until late night to come over here and cause a stink as my hubs works third shift.
Personally, I'd like to go no contact at all and let him stew for a while since I've never done that so far, but I'm angry...so possible to not make a good decision is high right now.
I'm thankful for the support here, I have none anywhere else outside of Alanon.
Last edited by coolidge; 11-11-2015 at 09:44 AM. Reason: Son lives eight blocks away so can walk here easily.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Take a few days to think about it--I agree that it's best not to make major decisions in the heat of anger. I think I'd avoid calls from him for the next few days while you mull this over (and maybe pray about it and talk about it at your meeting).
You could consider writing a letter or sending him an email once you've decided, and spell it all out. You can express the fact that although you love him, his behavior is disrespectful and upsetting and you can't have that in your life.
Hugs, I know it's difficult.
You could consider writing a letter or sending him an email once you've decided, and spell it all out. You can express the fact that although you love him, his behavior is disrespectful and upsetting and you can't have that in your life.
Hugs, I know it's difficult.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Coolidge....I am glad you came here...and, certainly, hang around! Also, like I said....find a counselor that is a long time recovering alcoholic to help you with these kinds of decisions. Nobody understands an alcoholic like another alcoholic---one who had been there and is recovering.....
One thing that I finally did was to take out a no trespassing o rder for my son. If he comes on the property, you can call the police and they will remove him....but, not necessarily arrest him. You cannot let him come into the house or welcome him, in any way....you just call the police if he comes to the house or on the property.
I also packed all of his stuff and put it outside in plastic bags.
I said that I would never allow alcoholism in my house again....and, I haven't...lol.
this is difficult stuff, I know.....but, so is the H*** you are living through....
dandylion
One thing that I finally did was to take out a no trespassing o rder for my son. If he comes on the property, you can call the police and they will remove him....but, not necessarily arrest him. You cannot let him come into the house or welcome him, in any way....you just call the police if he comes to the house or on the property.
I also packed all of his stuff and put it outside in plastic bags.
I said that I would never allow alcoholism in my house again....and, I haven't...lol.
this is difficult stuff, I know.....but, so is the H*** you are living through....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Hi and reading this makes ME exhausted. Personally I would write him an email so he'll have it in writing and won't be able to cut you off and yell at you and he can refer to it later. And let him know in the email that you will be blocking his emails and phone calls for at least 6 months to a year (or whatever) so he can get his life figured out and you can recover yourself. Remind him that he is an adult and must take responsibility for his life and learn that there are consequences to his actions. Hit send, then REST my friend. It could save his life for you to do this. And it will definitely be a good thing for you.
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