Amends to my x gf
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 287
Amends to my x gf
Hey guys.. so this part of my recovery is a little ways away but something ive been thinking about a lot. Im gonna be making my amends to my x. She knows about it and is willing to meet me in a couple weeks. Thing is, i think its a mistake we are broken up. Things got heated as alcohol relationships often do and i dont believe either one of us were thinking to clearly. But most important im looking for advise and experience about this. Any help is appreciated as always... thanks
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
The amends are for amends, no ulterior motive - not to ask for or expect anything from her. Let your sponsor walk you through it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Amends aren't for what you can get out of them.
This is why amends come LATER in the Steps, so you can be clear about your own motives and do the right thing for the right reason.
Listen to the folks telling you to work with your sponsor. You can easily make things worse--for both of you--if you don't do this at the right time, in the right way, for the right reason.
This is why amends come LATER in the Steps, so you can be clear about your own motives and do the right thing for the right reason.
Listen to the folks telling you to work with your sponsor. You can easily make things worse--for both of you--if you don't do this at the right time, in the right way, for the right reason.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 287
I worked 1-7 honestly and amends is where im at. I have not been in contact with my x in weeks so it appears she has moved on so i would like to do the same. This hole situation is A very dark cloud hanging over me. My sponsor seems to be taking the position of wanting me to move on from this relationship but basically leaving it ultimately up to HP. I dont see how it could make things any worse to look her dead in the eye And say in sorry to her. But maybe im not seeing what some of u are
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 287
Originally Posted by thomas11
I read A LOT of threads and posts that talk about alcohol and destroyed relationships. That alcohol destroyed the relationship mutually or from the sober one, or the drunk one. It seems to consume some people. I have two thoughts. One is that if your drinking was severe enough to ruin a relationship and seek help, that should be your focus, 100%. One the other hand, if you just want to address it and move on (and that's TRULY what you want to do), why wait? Meet her, make amends, go right back to your sober, single life. Its wasted time and energy to have it nagging at you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
There is a 12-step section here on SR where you may be able to explore this question further.
Because I'm not in a 12-step program, I don't feel qualified to offer much in response, save for it sounds like others have offered some solid feedback. I did look for a conversation on amends that took place in a series of threads called "Authenticity," which were led by a longtime SR member, RobbyRobot, who passed away earlier this year. Unfortunately, it was a lengthy series and I couldn't find what I was looking for.
The upshot of the passages I wanted to share was that it's important to remember amends are about the other person and acknowledging the harm our drinking caused them. It is to help make them whole again. It sounds like some work with your sponsor is a good plan before you do anything else.
Because I'm not in a 12-step program, I don't feel qualified to offer much in response, save for it sounds like others have offered some solid feedback. I did look for a conversation on amends that took place in a series of threads called "Authenticity," which were led by a longtime SR member, RobbyRobot, who passed away earlier this year. Unfortunately, it was a lengthy series and I couldn't find what I was looking for.
The upshot of the passages I wanted to share was that it's important to remember amends are about the other person and acknowledging the harm our drinking caused them. It is to help make them whole again. It sounds like some work with your sponsor is a good plan before you do anything else.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
A shaky amends most often leads to unintended consequences, including self-loathing, regret and shame. Not to mention resentment. The perfect storm for a relapse.
Making amends for ongoing or chronic bad behavior, abuse and neglect is best done from a place of growth and change in sobriety and can be another among acts of bad faith without a healthy dose of self-awareness. I think it requires a great deal of work and forethought, a willingness and an ability to take care of ourselves while we're vulnerable, and a level of honesty with which we may not be either comfortable or familiar.
Heartbreak is a part of life. Relationships end. People move on. It's a bitter pill to swallow, and I've choked on it more times than I would have preferred.
Tread lightly.
Making amends for ongoing or chronic bad behavior, abuse and neglect is best done from a place of growth and change in sobriety and can be another among acts of bad faith without a healthy dose of self-awareness. I think it requires a great deal of work and forethought, a willingness and an ability to take care of ourselves while we're vulnerable, and a level of honesty with which we may not be either comfortable or familiar.
Heartbreak is a part of life. Relationships end. People move on. It's a bitter pill to swallow, and I've choked on it more times than I would have preferred.
Tread lightly.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I'll come right out and say it gonzo, you've been obsessing over this relationship since you came to SR. Amends are not designed to repair relationships, they are simply part of the steps and necesary. View them for what they are and carry them out under the guidance of your sponsor.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Gonzo-I don't know the whole history of your relationship, so take what I say lightly; maybe just to shed some light and another 'angle'....it sounds like you really still love this girl and she still loves you, so it's mutual. Am I right about that?
Also, given the possibility you both now realize it was a mistake to break up. That happens too and I tend to think in a positive light that reconciliation can be a very beautiful thing, especially if the love you feel for one another is still alive, and from what you have posted it is...
Now, as to whether there is still HEALING that needs to happen in order for you both to be whole: that is something I don't have access to knowing...only the two of you can determine that honestly and I guess try to be continue to be honest and objective, although I know from my own experience that where feelings are concerned it's hard to be objective.
I think most of us have an idea of what your sponsor would advise: don't rush it. But I can understand how you feel too and feeling like you don't want to waste anymore time you have missed with someone you really love.
Anyways, best to you both and take my input for what it's worth.
Also, given the possibility you both now realize it was a mistake to break up. That happens too and I tend to think in a positive light that reconciliation can be a very beautiful thing, especially if the love you feel for one another is still alive, and from what you have posted it is...
Now, as to whether there is still HEALING that needs to happen in order for you both to be whole: that is something I don't have access to knowing...only the two of you can determine that honestly and I guess try to be continue to be honest and objective, although I know from my own experience that where feelings are concerned it's hard to be objective.
I think most of us have an idea of what your sponsor would advise: don't rush it. But I can understand how you feel too and feeling like you don't want to waste anymore time you have missed with someone you really love.
Anyways, best to you both and take my input for what it's worth.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 287
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
I'll come right out and say it gonzo, you've been obsessing over this relationship since you came to SR. Amends are not designed to repair relationships, they are simply part of the steps and necesary. View them for what they are and carry them out under the guidance of your sponsor.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 287
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
Gonzo-I don't know the whole history of your relationship, so take what I say lightly; maybe just to shed some light and another 'angle'....it sounds like you really still love this girl and she still loves you, so it's mutual. Am I right about that?
Also, given the possibility you both now realize it was a mistake to break up. That happens too and I tend to think in a positive light that reconciliation can be a very beautiful thing, especially if the love you feel for one another is still alive, and from what you have posted it is...
Now, as to whether there is still HEALING that needs to happen in order for you both to be whole: that is something I don't have access to knowing...only the two of you can determine that honestly and I guess try to be continue to be honest and objective, although I know from my own experience that where feelings are concerned it's hard to be objective.
I think most of us have an idea of what your sponsor would advise: don't rush it. But I can understand how you feel too and feeling like you don't want to waste anymore time you have missed with someone you really love.
Anyways, best to you both and take my input for what it's worth.
Also, given the possibility you both now realize it was a mistake to break up. That happens too and I tend to think in a positive light that reconciliation can be a very beautiful thing, especially if the love you feel for one another is still alive, and from what you have posted it is...
Now, as to whether there is still HEALING that needs to happen in order for you both to be whole: that is something I don't have access to knowing...only the two of you can determine that honestly and I guess try to be continue to be honest and objective, although I know from my own experience that where feelings are concerned it's hard to be objective.
I think most of us have an idea of what your sponsor would advise: don't rush it. But I can understand how you feel too and feeling like you don't want to waste anymore time you have missed with someone you really love.
Anyways, best to you both and take my input for what it's worth.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 108
amends
absolutely not you have no idea to what extreme you've hurt this person amends means to change not to say I'm sorry and step 9 is exactly where it's supposed to be .....we face and be rid of the things in our selves which are blocking us so we can bring God with us you have to do the turnaround in step 4 you have to do a sex inventory the fourth question whom did I hurt is most of your amends so we can bring god with us you have to do the turnaround in steps 4 + 5/6 + 7 by the time you get to step 9 you will have the awareness and the understanding to what extreme you harmed an injured others not just what you did to people but the amends of omission you needed me and I wasn't there for you the bottom of page 82 the amends to our family passing all understanding the patient wives and mothers have had with alcoholics had this not been so there prehaps be no home or we would be dead we have to say thank you as well during the prior steps will enable us to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as we now see it we can't make amends to others to save our skin and harm them it's about cleaning our side of the street if our manner is calm frank and open we will be gratified we live steps 10 11 and 12 as we clean up the past page 84/3 paragraph it's too soon to make amends the best in mens you can make is by your behavior do the right thing today find a step sponsor and when you get to step 9 you will be able to sit down and properly make amends so long as it doesn't harm her any questions send me a message
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
