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Toxic Family & Amends?

Old 11-10-2015, 03:12 PM
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Toxic Family & Amends?

I come from a very toxic family. I know they're not going to change. I made two amends recently to family members. One went much better than expected, and the other didn't go well. She accepted the amends (it was a general thing) and brushed it off, but then the rest of the conversation went downhill.

She caught me totally by surprise. She got *extremely* nosy and pushy to know about my relationship with a few of my family members who I have chosen not to have a relationship with. One such family member was abusive, and I'm not sure she knows this or if it's my place to say. She seems to be viewing things only from these family member's side of the story, and not even asking for mine. I caved a little because I got thrown. She's usually not like this, but I've forgotten who she's become the last few years.

I told her what she wanted to hear, (what caused my not talking to these family members), and now I know it will get back to the other family members. It makes me look like the bad guy, because these particular family members are very good at making themselves the innocent victims.

This is how my family works. They are all sick, love drama and chaos, love to stir the pot, and treat me like a doormat, push me until I give in and say or do what they want. They've made me question my sanity because of how toxic they are. It's been good for my health to get away from them. But now with making amends, I am thrown back into their toxicity.

I don't know how to make amends to people who are still incredibly sick and toxic, or how to have a relationship with them if they are still incredibly sick and toxic. I don't know what God wants me to do to protect myself, and what to do to make them feel good for me making an amends.

I've heard confusing things about what amends are actually for. My sponsor says it's to clean up my side of the street, so I will be free. But I also hear that amends are for the other person to feel good. But my family is the type who if you make an amends, they'd throw it right back into your face or make you feel really badly about things. It's really hard to explain.

Also the amends I'm making is just general amends for how I behaved; nothing specific.

Any guidance, experience, suggestions would be greatly appreciate.
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Old 11-10-2015, 06:42 PM
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While a sponsor can advise ultimately it's up to you to decide if and how an ammend is to be made.
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Old 11-11-2015, 07:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Ken33xx View Post
While a sponsor can advise ultimately it's up to you to decide if and how an ammend is to be made.
Thanks for the reply. I guess I was just hoping for more specific guidance, that's all...
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Old 11-11-2015, 08:56 AM
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if our manner is calm, open and frank we will be gratified

Amends simply means to change not to say I'm sorry the amends are not about the other person some people will listen some won't some are happy for us some are not our life depends on cleaning up our past if we have taken the steps as they're laid out in the big book we have faced and gotten rid of the things in ourselves which has blocked us off from our own conception of a higher power we have learned and become aware of how our actions our behavior caused harm to other people with the family it tells us on the top of page 83 we sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as we now see it the tells us on the bottom of page 82 that there are a men's that we make and say thank you there are the amends of omission things we didn't do for instance you really needed me but I was so full of fear I was so full of myself I put drugs and alcohol ahead of everything in my life and I wasn't there for you and God willing that won't happen again now it's suggest that we leave the outcome in his hands we ask in meditation in the morning to be shown the way of kindness tolerance and love our lives depend on cleaning up the past the tells us on page 84 that we live in and practice steps 10 11 and 12 as we're making amends we don't just work step 9 wait until we're done we have discovered one day at a time we continue to take inventory daily make amends quickly if we harmed anyone pray and meditate and help others amends are away to get rid of the ball and chain of the past to make a clean slate we can't balk we do the best we can to change old behaviors we don't make amends to people if it will harm them some of the best amends we can make is to simply leave someone alone our behavior will speak louder than our words I hope this was a little help if you want more specifics message me or something I'm new at this internet stuff I attend actual fellowship and look people in the eyes
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Old 11-11-2015, 11:07 AM
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Hi Living in Peace .

9th step says ''Made direct amends to people we had harmed ,EXCEPT when to do so would injure them or others .

Its only my view but 'You ' are part of the others , 8th step goes on to part that says '' Became Willing '' to make amends it does not say we ''must '' .

You say a lot of your family etc are ''toxic '' okay one thing I have learned is that you cannot reason or explain something to people who are ''Unteachable '' wisdom to know the difference .

What I have learned to do is ''detach '' from people who are loud ,aggressive ,people who live in a vastly different manner from myself and people who do not have standards or principles that I try to live by , for example take the AA slogans that we see on the walls of many AA meetings ,most of them try to show us how to have a ''normal way of thinking and living '' people who are loud and aggressive do not live by these principles .

Being ''Detached '' does not mean ignoring them it means stop trying to reason or defend yourself or your actions , I do not live in other peoples sickness or allow them to interfere with my way of living , yes even some family members , ''detachment can mean simply ''let go '' or in the case of ''family '' Let go with Love '' or ''let go and let god '' you simply cannot reason with unreasonable people ,you cannot make them '' accept '' you ? why ''unteachable ''

Move on and accept the things you cannot change , the 9th step just be ''willing '' that's all in relation to them .

AA taught me to be ''ruthless '' with my sobriety and do not allow anything or anyone interfere with it or my peace of mind and contentment . Desiderata talks about people who are vexations to the spirit ,as above ''loud and aggressive '' hope this helps ? take care .

Regards .
Stevie .
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Old 11-15-2015, 04:59 PM
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Originally Posted by stevieg46 View Post
Hi Living in Peace .

9th step says ''Made direct amends to people we had harmed ,EXCEPT when to do so would injure them or others .

Its only my view but 'You ' are part of the others , 8th step goes on to part that says '' Became Willing '' to make amends it does not say we ''must '' .
Hi Stevie. Apologies for my not replying sooner. I also feel that "you" are part of the others, although I notice people on the forum don't have a consensus. In my opinion, the God of my understanding would not want me to be harmed by making amends. Plus I think it's more that I didn't harm these specific people, although in their minds I did. My sponsor has said I do not owe them amends.

You say a lot of your family etc are ''toxic '' okay one thing I have learned is that you cannot reason or explain something to people who are ''Unteachable '' wisdom to know the difference .
Yes. That's a good point.

What I have learned to do is ''detach '' from people who are loud ,aggressive ,people who live in a vastly different manner from myself and people who do not have standards or principles that I try to live by , for example take the AA slogans that we see on the walls of many AA meetings ,most of them try to show us how to have a ''normal way of thinking and living '' people who are loud and aggressive do not live by these principles .
I've detached from them, with the help of a therapist who strongly suggested it, although the guilt was hard to deal with. It's helped me work on my recovery. And I fear that making amends to any family members are going to ruin that detachment. I already made a general amends to a family member that really was just more about getting in contact vs an actual amends, and she already mentioned these toxic family members and insinuated I was a bad person for not being in touch with them better. She is unaware of their abusive, toxic ways.

Being ''Detached '' does not mean ignoring them it means stop trying to reason or defend yourself or your actions , I do not live in other peoples sickness or allow them to interfere with my way of living , yes even some family members , ''detachment can mean simply ''let go '' or in the case of ''family '' Let go with Love '' or ''let go and let god '' you simply cannot reason with unreasonable people ,you cannot make them '' accept '' you ? why ''unteachable ''
That's a good point. There's one particular family member who is utterly impossible to reason with. Actually, more than one. She will fight tooth and nail and scream as loudly as her lungs would allow her to, in order to make her point that she is always in the right about.

Move on and accept the things you cannot change , the 9th step just be ''willing '' that's all in relation to them .
I certainly will keep that in mind.

AA taught me to be ''ruthless '' with my sobriety and do not allow anything or anyone interfere with it or my peace of mind and contentment . Desiderata talks about people who are vexations to the spirit ,as above ''loud and aggressive '' hope this helps ? take care .
That is such an important point. Why should I try to mend relationships with people, with love, kindness and tolerance, giving them amends they think I need to do, but that God, my sponsor, and my therapist do not think I need to do, only to harm myself in the process?

Many thanks.
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