Why isn't Being Unhappy enough of a reason to leave?
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Why isn't Being Unhappy enough of a reason to leave?
Just an odd question with no right answer for you all today.
My best friend had a pretty significant breakdown this past weekend & one of the things she kept repeating was that she is just SO unhappy, SO unhappy, SO unhappy. Then she asked, "Why isn't that enough of a reason for me to leave? Why do I need a better reason?"
Her husband is a sober alcoholic (no program, he's only not drinking because she won't allow it) & also has a bipolar diagnosis. They do not share anything in life any longer, just people living in the same house who share a child. No attraction, no respect, nothing. They are exactly opposite in every important way, but none of that became clear until he got sober & medicated for his issues & he just dropped out of life completely.... totally passive.
Since there is no outright abuse & she feels "in control" (I know this is an illusion, she hasn't seen that truth yet though) she says she doesn't feel like she has a good enough reason to leave. That since her child is not being abused, it isn't That Bad.
I say, only a Codependent person could even THINK that way - that a so-called Normie would see value in the happiness they are letting go right by them while they cling to their Unhappy instead. That Happiness has value.
Anyone got any wisdom to share on this?
My best friend had a pretty significant breakdown this past weekend & one of the things she kept repeating was that she is just SO unhappy, SO unhappy, SO unhappy. Then she asked, "Why isn't that enough of a reason for me to leave? Why do I need a better reason?"
Her husband is a sober alcoholic (no program, he's only not drinking because she won't allow it) & also has a bipolar diagnosis. They do not share anything in life any longer, just people living in the same house who share a child. No attraction, no respect, nothing. They are exactly opposite in every important way, but none of that became clear until he got sober & medicated for his issues & he just dropped out of life completely.... totally passive.
Since there is no outright abuse & she feels "in control" (I know this is an illusion, she hasn't seen that truth yet though) she says she doesn't feel like she has a good enough reason to leave. That since her child is not being abused, it isn't That Bad.
I say, only a Codependent person could even THINK that way - that a so-called Normie would see value in the happiness they are letting go right by them while they cling to their Unhappy instead. That Happiness has value.
Anyone got any wisdom to share on this?
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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Being unhappy wasn't enough for me because:
1. I was getting things from the relationship(s) that offset the unhappiness. Financial assistance. The illusion of control over both my spouse and my spouse's relationship with our son. The ability to cast myself as the martyr.
2. I thought I deserved the unhappiness, because I had been dumb enough to find my way into the relationship in the first place. (A friend recently said to me "You did not give up your right to happiness just because you had a brutally awful marriage.")
3. And, as is the case for most of us, my idea of what was a "good enough" reason to leave constantly shifted more and more in the territory of "things are straight up horrible." Like the frog in the pot of slowly heating water. All the years of unhappiness completely numbed me to how rotten things were. She's not being abused? Maybe not physically, but I bet there's some emotional abuse going on. And I bet it's affecting her child a whole heck of a lot more than she realizes. But that's the nature of this beast. You're so unhappy, and the next thing you know, your "not abusive" spouse is calling you a c**t and trying to force his way into the bedroom you've gone into to get away from him.
((HUGS)) FS. Keeping your friend in my heart, too.
1. I was getting things from the relationship(s) that offset the unhappiness. Financial assistance. The illusion of control over both my spouse and my spouse's relationship with our son. The ability to cast myself as the martyr.
2. I thought I deserved the unhappiness, because I had been dumb enough to find my way into the relationship in the first place. (A friend recently said to me "You did not give up your right to happiness just because you had a brutally awful marriage.")
3. And, as is the case for most of us, my idea of what was a "good enough" reason to leave constantly shifted more and more in the territory of "things are straight up horrible." Like the frog in the pot of slowly heating water. All the years of unhappiness completely numbed me to how rotten things were. She's not being abused? Maybe not physically, but I bet there's some emotional abuse going on. And I bet it's affecting her child a whole heck of a lot more than she realizes. But that's the nature of this beast. You're so unhappy, and the next thing you know, your "not abusive" spouse is calling you a c**t and trying to force his way into the bedroom you've gone into to get away from him.
((HUGS)) FS. Keeping your friend in my heart, too.
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I agree with you. There are religious reasons, I suppose. But ultimately, I think only someone who does not believe that they have a fundamental right to be happy -- that they in fact deserve it -- would think that plain old unhappiness isn't enough. The extra sad part is that it isn't just her unhappiness in the equation -- she doesn't do HIM any favors by staying with him either. They BOTH deserve to be with people who WANT to be with them. Or to be alone to build that foundation of love within themselves. Her child deserves to have a healthier model for a relationship as well.
Very sad situation for all involved, driven -- as I see it, from the little detail presented here -- by your friends lack of self-esteem, self-respect, and self-love. The idea that self-sacrifice is noble in instances like this baffles me.
Very sad situation for all involved, driven -- as I see it, from the little detail presented here -- by your friends lack of self-esteem, self-respect, and self-love. The idea that self-sacrifice is noble in instances like this baffles me.
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You guys are SO smart!
I left off the little detail that prompted the entire thing:
Her DD8 has started having random, hysterical crying fits. She feels so much pressure that she can't define, poor baby. She just knows that NO ONE is happy in her house.
It breaks my heart because she already struggles with low-level autism. When you add all this crap on top of that already big challenge, it gets so confusing between what is being driven by their life circumstances & what is an inherent struggle for her.
I didn't even think of religious reasons, but yes, I could see how that could hold some people back from such a big change.
I left off the little detail that prompted the entire thing:
Her DD8 has started having random, hysterical crying fits. She feels so much pressure that she can't define, poor baby. She just knows that NO ONE is happy in her house.
It breaks my heart because she already struggles with low-level autism. When you add all this crap on top of that already big challenge, it gets so confusing between what is being driven by their life circumstances & what is an inherent struggle for her.
I didn't even think of religious reasons, but yes, I could see how that could hold some people back from such a big change.
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Originally Posted by firebolt 
Coming to realize it was just hope that the universe would correct my bad choices without me having to do anything.
FireSprite, my DS5 has said to me REPEATEDLY over the past 10 weeks since we left that he likes it so much better now that we are happier, and smiling, and having a good time. Kids are waaaaaay more astute than even we "tuned in" parents give them credit for.
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Most of us are never TAUGHT how to:
A) Start a relationship properly
B) End a relationship properly
So we pitch ourselves into the abyss of LUVVVVV and SOUUUUUL MATES, with nary a carabiner to our name much less any ROPE, and thus leave ourselves with no discernible exit. so we think, well i guess i'm meant to stay HERE then - or wait for rescue, of the Divine Intervention sort...........
A) Start a relationship properly
B) End a relationship properly
So we pitch ourselves into the abyss of LUVVVVV and SOUUUUUL MATES, with nary a carabiner to our name much less any ROPE, and thus leave ourselves with no discernible exit. so we think, well i guess i'm meant to stay HERE then - or wait for rescue, of the Divine Intervention sort...........
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Originally Posted by firebolt
Coming to realize it was just hope that the universe would correct my bad choices without me having to do anything. Denial at it's finest!
Interesting!!!!!
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Originally Posted by Wisconsin
FireSprite, my DS5 has said to me REPEATEDLY over the past 10 weeks since we left that he likes it so much better now that we are happier, and smiling, and having a good time. Kids are waaaaaay more astute than even we "tuned in" parents give them credit for.
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Fear, of being alone, of the unknown, of failing without that safety net of someone to blame. If I have to tell the truth about this relationship it will bring the focus onto all of my failings as a partner and a human being.
Resentment. This person OWES me. Look at everything I put up with. If I leave now (five minutes before the miracle, as I read here recently) then I won't get the happiness that I deserve, my reward. I'd given up so much of myself to stay where I was that I didn't want to waste the time I'd already invested in the relationship.
Strength. I was strong enough to stick it out. I made a commitment and I have to see it through. (The alcoholic used this to his advantage when we were together, and there was a pretty funny moment during the trial where his new wife actually tried to shame me saying, "Yes, September of 2013, when she LEFT him" like it was something horrible I'd done TO my ex instead of FOR myself).
Denial. It's not really that bad. I lived in the monkey house for so long I couldn't actually smell the monumental pile of poo until I had some time away.
This makes me so grateful for my own recovery and I can see how far I've come in just over two years.
He is still stuck in his disease. The only real difference is his new enabler. I have a whole new life filled with true happiness and serenity.
Resentment. This person OWES me. Look at everything I put up with. If I leave now (five minutes before the miracle, as I read here recently) then I won't get the happiness that I deserve, my reward. I'd given up so much of myself to stay where I was that I didn't want to waste the time I'd already invested in the relationship.
Strength. I was strong enough to stick it out. I made a commitment and I have to see it through. (The alcoholic used this to his advantage when we were together, and there was a pretty funny moment during the trial where his new wife actually tried to shame me saying, "Yes, September of 2013, when she LEFT him" like it was something horrible I'd done TO my ex instead of FOR myself).
Denial. It's not really that bad. I lived in the monkey house for so long I couldn't actually smell the monumental pile of poo until I had some time away.
This makes me so grateful for my own recovery and I can see how far I've come in just over two years.
He is still stuck in his disease. The only real difference is his new enabler. I have a whole new life filled with true happiness and serenity.
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I also think it's the messages we get all our lives about "failed" marriages. I mean, everyone knows that in most cases there is a certain amount of responsibility on both sides--we don't have to call it "blame," necessarily, just basic acknowledgement that marriage involves two people.
And so we think that if we leave, we are acknowledging some failure on our part. We're giving up too soon. We just need to have more faith, and try harder.
My first husband was/is a lovely person. Sometimes I think, "was I selfish?" I was, but does that mean I should have stayed and that things would have been better, or even OK, if I had? The thing was, I was not happy being married to him. I don't think it's him, I think it's me and what I want from my life. My staying, unhappy and resentful, would not have been good for either one of us. I left because of my own limitations. My way of making it right was to be scrupulously fair with him during and after the divorce.
I dunno, I'm starting to ramble here. Maybe I'm rationalizing. I still think more harm would have come from my staying than has come about as a result of my leaving.
And so we think that if we leave, we are acknowledging some failure on our part. We're giving up too soon. We just need to have more faith, and try harder.
My first husband was/is a lovely person. Sometimes I think, "was I selfish?" I was, but does that mean I should have stayed and that things would have been better, or even OK, if I had? The thing was, I was not happy being married to him. I don't think it's him, I think it's me and what I want from my life. My staying, unhappy and resentful, would not have been good for either one of us. I left because of my own limitations. My way of making it right was to be scrupulously fair with him during and after the divorce.
I dunno, I'm starting to ramble here. Maybe I'm rationalizing. I still think more harm would have come from my staying than has come about as a result of my leaving.
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Oh, the topic of "failed" marriages! My STBXAH has thrown THAT one in my face many, many times. "Now you have TWO failed marriages!" And now I'm almost ashamed to admit that thinking of that sort kept me hooked for a looooong time. And now I'm all "yep. It is what it is. If I have to wear two failed marriages like a badge of honor, I will, but frankly...that kind of thing does not define me anyway."
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Ignorance, fear, blame. ..... I get all of that too.
Making notes because we're going to a reiki healing circle tonight & I know this is gonna come up again. I know I can't change her world but I'm trying to understand it because our situations are very different. WE are very different, lol, but I can be a better friend/listener when I can see her POV & not just my own.
Making notes because we're going to a reiki healing circle tonight & I know this is gonna come up again. I know I can't change her world but I'm trying to understand it because our situations are very different. WE are very different, lol, but I can be a better friend/listener when I can see her POV & not just my own.
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I stuck around simply because I felt guilty. I was the only sane responsible person in his life. If I left him he would surely spiral out of control.
Once I realized he was spiraling worse with me catching him I bailed.
For his sake and mine.
The other reason being he really was a great guy when sober. He just was not sober enough of the time for my taste.
Once I realized he was spiraling worse with me catching him I bailed.
For his sake and mine.
The other reason being he really was a great guy when sober. He just was not sober enough of the time for my taste.
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Firesprite-
I think this has been alluded to in previous posts with great examples.
I truly thought my unhappiness was all my fault. I had gotten into the situation and I needed to pull up my big girl pants and deal. I took it on as my fault-I wanted the drinking to stop, but if I just made it all okay for him maybe I could change it. I truly felt that if I took "ownership" of it I could change it.
For me this is a great example of why my struggle lead me to be attracted to someone with an addiction.....and why I needed this relationship to heal. This was in place prior to meeting and loving him.
Recently I have been so grateful my ex had an affair. I did NOT take that as my fault in the same way and it allowed me some space to get angry which allowed me to get out/him to leave. I don't know that just being unhappy for long enough would have done it for me.
I think this has been alluded to in previous posts with great examples.
I truly thought my unhappiness was all my fault. I had gotten into the situation and I needed to pull up my big girl pants and deal. I took it on as my fault-I wanted the drinking to stop, but if I just made it all okay for him maybe I could change it. I truly felt that if I took "ownership" of it I could change it.
For me this is a great example of why my struggle lead me to be attracted to someone with an addiction.....and why I needed this relationship to heal. This was in place prior to meeting and loving him.
Recently I have been so grateful my ex had an affair. I did NOT take that as my fault in the same way and it allowed me some space to get angry which allowed me to get out/him to leave. I don't know that just being unhappy for long enough would have done it for me.
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Yeah, I used to wish my exes would have affairs. Selfishness again, in a way. I'd always rather have someone else be the "bad guy" than me. OTOH, I also have a very unfortunate tendency to forgive, so THAT would have been the ultimate irony. The guy cheats, the way I wanted, so I'm justified in leaving, but then I have to be the bigger person and forgive him--Aaaarrrgghh!! 
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I would say that the state of being unhappy is generally acute at first, as if you have flares, incidents, attacks of unhappiness, but they come and go. You go in circles, you hope, things get better, then they get worse. And with time, the cycles are shorter and shorter, and unhappiness becomes chronic. And at that point, the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving. You simply become unhappy with everything and hit the bottom.
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There's also the inertia factor. It just feels like so much WORK to leave. And, of course, it is, but the rewards can be immeasurable. Still, the tendency is to stay on your trajectory until something big enough comes along to push you out of your orbit onto a different path.
And fear of the unknown. You KNOW how things are right now--they might suck, but you don't know how much suckage might be down the road if you leave.
And fear of the unknown. You KNOW how things are right now--they might suck, but you don't know how much suckage might be down the road if you leave.
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Originally Posted by firebolt
I think i just had so much hope.
I used to think it was hope in his sobriety.
Coming to realize it was just hope that the universe would correct my bad choices without me having to do anything. Denial at it's finest!
I used to think it was hope in his sobriety.
Coming to realize it was just hope that the universe would correct my bad choices without me having to do anything. Denial at it's finest!
It's oh so easy to get lured into the thinking that you are being selfish in "only" wanting your own happiness. But kids see much more than we think, and if she's not happy, her kid knows - I know mine sense so much more than I'm comfortable with. (Just my .02)
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